Friday, May 29, 2020


I looked at my bank account today, and felt alright. I have a bit of a buffer for when I move to Canada and start studying. By a buffer, I mean money for rent and monthly expenses and bills, because of course I took out an education loan to tide over my tuition fees. It would help if I landed a solid part-time job or side hustle in Nanaimo so I can keep up the buffer and also pay the interest on my student loan.

I'm terrified, though. I think my mother's style of parenthood was such that she has her daughters codependent on her, or at least myself and Lyssa are, from the same dad. My two half-sisters may be less codependent, I think? I'll be on my own for the next four years, and I'll have to figure out my own finances and emotional stability, etc.

I really like my current therapist, she's so sweet and she's been so generous with the complimentary therapy sessions in the past two months of isolation. It seems like it may even continue for the next month of isolation in Singapore, she hasn't raised the issue of fees at all. She's always so happy to hear that I'm doing yoga, I'm going for my walks, she writes me fantastic emails and she's so nice, yet I fucked up twice by forgetting about our session two weeks in a row! I don't know why, all I have to do is turn on my webcam at 10am, not some unreasonable timing, and somehow some part of my subconscious hates myself so much I can't even turn up on time to online therapy.

I'm very scared of being all alone in Vancouver. On the one hand, being away from everyone and focusing on me is exactly what I've wanted for so long, but on the other hand, I will be away from everyone and so far away in terms of time and distance which means I will actually be alone, on my own. I used to be part of a wolf pack, but soon I may be a lone wolf. I say that as if I won't make friends, as if I haven't always been some sort of people-magnet all my life. I just hope I start to attract all the right people.

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