Monday, May 25, 2020

THE VAT OF ACID EPISODE

I just set a limit for my Instagram use because I found out today that I average four hours of daily use. If I sleep for eight hours, that means I spend a quarter of my daily waking life on Instagram. That ain't it, Sarah, it really ain't it. I actually really enjoy scrolling through memes on Instagram, the Explore page is always curated so well based on my liked and saved posts. My Explore page either has existentialist memes or Taylor Swift. Today I spent an hour having a Zoom call with my extended family for Eid, one of the two big Muslim celebrations. I'd recorded the call so while watching it afterwards, I realized I really dislike my voice on playback. My voice is one of the things I actively dislike about me, I know most people don't like the sound of their own voices but my voice is just bleh, like it's just an in-between kind of voice that doesn't sound deep enough to be inspirational nor high enough to be sweet. It's annoying. Another thing I felt today was when I looked at photos I had taken, and was not pleased at my button nose, I definitely think I could look better with a thinner, sharper nose but then I stopped myself of course and questioned why I had bought into such Eurocentric ideals of beauty. Most people with high, fine noses are not Asian, and I'm clearly Asian. Why have the ideals of beauty not included features that can be found mostly on Asian people? Fuck white people and fuck colonization. Fuck every single white person in the world who has never felt guilt, who don't acknowledge the benefits they reap from hundreds of years of white people acting barbaric and claiming superiority over other people in the world and from systemic racism that still penalizes people of color for the exact same shit that white people engage in. Non-whites can't be "looking suspicious" in public without getting shot down, whilst the whites are protesting for haircuts. Shut the fuck up, white people. Honestly, shut the fucking hell up. I'm not sure how I got here from talking about my nose, but there you go. Today's stream of consciousness, brought to you by a member of an oppressed society.

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