Monday, October 5, 2020


I'm halfway through my visa application but there is a lot of documentation I have to procure and settle, including a medical checkup. I hate medical checkups. I had a mini panic attack today, looking at how much I have left to do. Applying for my visa, on top of my password, I was asked to set five of my own questions and answers as verification, so I did. The questions are things like who likes The National, who did I kiss at Central Park, who worked at SpaceX, and the like. There are five questions and five names. I find it hilarious. I don't know why. You can't explain humor.

I had a therapy session and my therapist explained what the brain is made up of. She says the reptilian parts of our brains, the one that's evolved from millions of years ago, is hardwired to panic and perceive threats at the tiniest of notions, and it all happens so fast, if I'm not mindful, a lot of my reactions are just my reptilian brain in action. Then we have the mammalian parts of our brains, that control our emotions, and then the prefrontal cortex, the part that's able to be mindful and think slow. My therapist says, based on stressful childhood situations and events that have happened in my past, my reptilian brain is quick to judge what it thinks are signs of danger, which explains why I can be fatalistic and pessimistic. We are embarking on a journey to rewire and reprogram my brain so that I can balance my instant reflexes, with my rationale that takes in more information, to churn out something that's more in the middle. It's going to take practice but it will one day be second nature, just like it is for me to ride a bicycle. My therapist asked whether I could cycle and how I learned, and I remember clearly. My father taught me, and I remember thinking what the fuck is this man doing, placing me on this gigantic bicycle with no training wheels, I'm going to fall and die, this is child abuse. But he pushed, and I pedalled, and eventually, now I like to cycle.

I hope my school therapist will be as good as my current one, because I sure as hell won't be able to afford one that's not covered by student insurance. Also, at the end of the session, my therapist emailed me saying she enjoyed our session. I know this is because I am very vivid when I recount situations and I also really say whatever I want because I know she's not supposed to judge me. I don't know if you know, but in therapy circles, there are people who try to get validation from their therapists, because they just want to please everyone. That's another issue I should work on, but we'll take one step at a time. I couldn't help but feel pleased, maybe she'll miss me when I move too.

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