Sunday, December 20, 2020

GERANIUM


honey, when I'm above the trees 
I see this for what it is 
but now I'm right down in it 
all the years I've given 
is just shit we're dividing up 
showed you all of my hiding spots 
I was dancing when the music stopped 
and in the disbelief I can't face reinvention 
I haven't met the new me yet 

there'll be happiness after you 
but there was happiness because of you 
both of these things can be true 
there is happiness 

past the blood and bruise 
past the curses and cries 
beyond the terror in the nightfall 
haunted by the look in my eyes 
that would've loved you for a lifetime 
leave it all behind 
and there is happiness 

tell me, when did your winning smile 
begin to look like a smirk? 
when did all our lessons start to look 
like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt? 
I hope she'll be a beautiful fool 
who takes my spot next to you 
no, I didn't mean that 
sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury 
you haven't met the new me yet 

there'll be happiness after me 
but there was happiness because of me
both of these things I believe
there is happiness 

in our history 
across our great divide 
there is a glorious sunrise 
dappled with the flickers of light 
from the dress I wore at midnight 
leave it all behind 
and there is happiness 

I can't make it go away by making you a villain 
I guess it's the price I pay for seven years in heaven 
and I pulled your body into mine every goddamn night 
now I get fake niceties 
no one teaches you what to do 
when a good man hurts you 
and you know you hurt him too 

honey, when I'm above the trees 
I see it for what it is 
but now my eyes leak acid rain 
on the pillow where you used to lay your head 
after giving you the best I had 
tell me what to give after that 
all you want from me now 
is the green light of forgiveness 
you haven't met the new me yet 
and I think she'll give you that 

there'll be happiness after you 
but there was happiness because of you too 
both of these things can be true 
there is happiness 

in our history 
across our great divide 
there is a glorious sunrise 
dappled with the flickers of light 
from the dress I wore at midnight 
leave it all behind 
oh, leave it all behind 
leave it all behind 
and there is happiness


A week ago, I received mail from my team that I was doing volunteer work with. It was a keepsake for me to bring to Canada. They'd made a plaque of sorts, it looks like a screenshot of a track playing on Spotify, with the photo of me dressed up as Taylor Swift for Halloween and the song they'd chosen was Clean, because at the time they'd asked me for my favorite song, it was my favorite song. evermore had not yet been dropped, but now it has, and I think happiness is now my all-time favorite, and it's a masterpiece. If you do one thing for me this year, please press play on the video above, and listen to it once.

I think Taylor Swift has grown so much since writing 1989, the album that Clean is from. Happiness, despite its title, is about the end of a relationship, and it's written so real, in both its sadness and joy. It is about how two people can have given each other happiness, and how these two same people can also find happiness after each other, elsewhere, in other people, in other places. A couple hours ago, I received a text, it was from Joey, he said "you're a good person, and you will make someone very happy." If you have not been in my life long enough, Joey is the person who got pregnant with me. I used to say he got me pregnant, but he and I both were caught up in the consequences together, and neither of us made the decision to get pregnant. It just happened to us, because we were young and foolish. 

I used to think, or perhaps I still do think, Joey is the person who acts as proxy for my father. My father left the family when I was about six, and despite his multiple infidelities, despite the fact that he was rarely financially responsible for myself or my sister, I think I insidiously tried to win his approval many, many times over many, many years. I would be the one who would clean up his marital messes with my mother, I would still take care of his mother, because I still cared. This year, I didn't, and I don't. In 2020, whenever my father texted or asked to meet up, I would give him the bare minimum of my attention, or I would plain ignore it. I hadn't found the ability nor motivation to do the same with Joey. Tonight, though, just because he said I'm a good person and that I will make someone very happy, I realized that was all I wanted or needed. I wanted his approval. I want the acknowledgement of someone who's refused to acknowledge me as a person. I think that's the bare minimum I could receive, and I'm fine with that. He was a proxy for my father, and neither of them really deserves my energy. The ironic thing is by sending me that message, he was telling me not to spend any more energy on him, and in that tiny gesture, he was much, much bigger than my father has ever been, and it broke the proxy. Joey is not my father, and I don't need his approval. I needed him to resurface my childlike tendencies, and to avoid such situations, ever again. I am also really, very proud of Joey for sending me that. I think he's always been a massive bro-type person, and for him to do something with an ounce of maturity, I can tell there has been a lot of growth in his character.

Today, Jaysen was being his usual self, annoying the hell out of me in the backroom, so I asked, "why are you so annoying?" He said "'cos I love you" and I saw it as my one chance. I don't know how it works among you and your opposite-sex coworkers, but I don't say "I love you" to the men I work with. I can be affectionate with the girls, sure, I love them and I can say I love them, but I'd never said so to Jaysen. I said I love you too. I didn't know what it meant, I didn't know if it was platonic, but I said it. I don't know about Jaysen's life, he works multiple jobs too, so I don't know if he's dating or if he likes someone from one of the gyms he teaches at. I don't know much about him. I just knew that was my one chance to say I love you, so I said it. Does it mean I will remember that his favorite scent is geranium, and his rice purity score is 22? Probably. There is so much in my head at any one time, I'm thinking of the song happiness, I think about how Lucas made me happy, and how I want someone else to make him happy because he deserves it, I think about how I was happy with Joey, with Ben, and Adam, with so many people, who are now happy with other people, and I'm happy for them. It's weird saying it now, but when I'm at work, the person I want to see out of the corner of my eyes is Jaysen. If I can be near him, I will make my way to be near him, just within the confines of our job requirements. Will it mean something in the greater scheme of life? Probably not. But do I want to feel as safe and comfortable in my day to day life whilst I am tired out from interacting with strangers I really don't care one bit about? Yes I do, he brings me small happinesses, the way my other coworkers also do. At the end of the day, it makes me feel safe. It makes me think of the one time I was trying to push him out of the way while we were on the store floor, and he didn't budge a tiny bit, because the man is pretty built, so I told him I didn't realize he was so solid, but he is. He's like a well-rooted tree, physically and mentally and I think that's a good thing to look for in a partner, so maybe that's what's coming next, somewhere in my future.

1 comment:

pogeme said...

Weird that someone so far from your past would text that out of nowhere. Glad you're moving on, though. Also I think it had been obvious to very many people you and Lucas were not meant to be