Recently, I bought myself a subscription to the Dropout channel on Youtube, because Dimension 20 and Make Some Noise were making up so much of my recommended clips on TikTok and Instagram. I suppose that was also why I was recommended the Last Meals episode that Brennan Lee Mulligan was on.
It was such a good episode. As it is, I love food so much and would love to have a pretend last meal for myself sometime, so I love the concept of Last Meals. I think one afternoon, when I have nothing to do (it will probably just be tomorrow on the bus to school or something), I'm gonna write out all the foods I'd want at my last meal, and there will be so many courses and cuisines.
Brennan, as well as his Dropout co-star Zac Oyama, are two of whom I perceive to be the wholesomest men on Earth that I truly admire, so obviously this episode of Last Meals was just more of the same. Brennan talks about when he fell in love with his wife Izzy, and one of the courses was something that his wife would make, he talks about their child and his nerdy side, he talks about community and socialist ideas, the way he always does, and it was just an hour ish well spent, and I enjoyed it greatly.
Speaking of my ideal man, I've been really thinking about men and my dating life, as I am inclined to do. I think I teeter-totter between thinking men are genuinely not good enough to date as opposed to myself being avoidant and having daddy issues, and therefore refusing to settle down. I do think most of the time it is the former that feels the most valid and real to me.
I think sometimes I feel like I'm at an impasse because I don't tend to find leftist men attractive, and the pool of leftist men in Nanaimo is a very tiny one to pick from in the first place. As I'm generally a reflective person, I've tried to really dissect my criteria and sit with it, and I honestly don't think anything can budge.
For one, yes I acknowledge it's superficial for me to only date men I think are attractive, but it would also be hypocritical if any man who wants to date me didn't admit to their own superficiality. I know they know I know I'm pretty. I have always been a regulation hottie, I did a tiny bit of modelling in Singapore, and like, yeah I was blessed with good genes, right? For one thing, I don't want to settle with a man whom I'm not attracted to, because I don't want a man to benefit or get more out of the relationship than I do. Like, let's be for real, I'm smart, I'm funny, I cook and clean, maybe due to having been an elder sister or just being a Type A person, I'm used to planning and being nurturing and doing emotional labour, and you're telling me I may also have to settle with dating a man I'm not even attracted to? Why? What do I get out of the relationship? No, thank you.
Beyond that, too, I like people for the same reason everyone likes other people and makes friends with them: they recognize parts of themselves in others that they enjoy and appreciate. If I find myself attractive (which I very much do, as you very well know), of course I'm going to be drawn to other men whom I think are attractive. But here's the thing, right, as much as I was blessed with good genes, and as much of a leftist as I am, I also know what works for me. I wear what I like, I go for regular hair appointments (by regular I mean once or twice a year), I wear contact lenses, I take supplements so I function optimally for my body, I love my skincare regime and stick to it regularly. And then you have the majority of men who don't even look like they're trying. Like, you want to date me, and you don't acknowledge that the first reason you want to do so, is because I have been conditioned by the patriarchy to put a lot of effort into the upkeep of my appearance, and you don't look like you're doing the same? If you can recognize that you like me and are drawn to me because I wear fun clothes and am feeling myself, perhaps you could also embody those behaviours so women can be drawn to you.
I don't know, I think the meme that I'm brought to right now is just, what do you bring to the table? I'm bringing the entire table, what can you bring, babes???? Sometimes I'm sad that I have not found a lifelong partner, but sometimes, like now, I think I really am more comfortable and confident in myself and in what I want, that I do not want to ever settle for less than what I deserve and desire.
And now, to try and negate (impossible!) all that talk of men, I will talk about some new women friends I've made in the past couple of weeks. One of my newest friends is Teju. On our first hangout, we went into Windowseat Books (a really great independent local bookstore in downtown Nanaimo - they supported the Palestine Literature Festival that happened last month), Teju saw me looking through a BC-based baking book, Thyme For Dessert, and when I put it down and walked around the store, she bought the pretty hefty book for me. What a lovely gesture for our first meeting!
Last week, I met Teju again, and this time with new friends Nilou and Megan. We had dinner at Black Rabbit and Nilou was so funny I laughed till I cried. Mind you, that was their first impression of me! Whenever I spend time with women like that, which tends to be more and more often as I try to be more intentional as to how I'm spending my time, I really see less and less value in the company that a man can provide.
On Friday, I met another new friend for the first time. Her name is Stephanie and she's from Montana in the US. While talking about Montana, she said that Yellowstone was filmed there, and because she was from a small town, she heard that whenever the Yellowstone crew would order sandwiches or catering from the local eateries, they would not tip. This appalled me because do you know how big Yellowstone (the TV show) is???? The first episode alone had three helicopter scenes! I've now made up my mind not to watch it.
Anyway, Stephanie asked me if I wanted to see a ballet with Indigenous dancers that night, so I said yes. Before we went in to the theatre, we found out we'd both seen the episode of Last Meals with Brennan, and the episode had just dropped the day before, so I knew instantly that she probably had similar values as I do, to be recommended the same kind of media content. The ballet was called Pisuwin, and it was put on by the Atlantic Ballet Company in Canada. The producer came out, and as he was Indigenous, he spoke about how his mother had said, she recalled once upon a time, when people like them weren't allowed in spaces like the theatre. The performance itself was extremely moving, but I kept thinking about his words, how he was the first of his bloodline to be involved in the ballet, and how I was pretty much the first of my bloodline to watch a ballet with Indigenous dancers.
Oftentimes, the world is dark and dreary, but the women around me do such warm things, like buy books or take me to the ballet, knowing how broke I still am as an international student. I am grateful, grateful, grateful, to be alive yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment