Monday, March 11, 2019

FIRST STRING

I don't think I've said this here, but the Ben I used to date in Singapore, he and I had a little something happen while I was in New York. His name is Benjamin, so to avoid confusing y'all, I will refer to them by their full names in this post. Benjamin and I met as friends, after I'd broken up with Adam. The second time I met Benjamin in New York, it was the week I'd also started to date Bennett. At that time, Bennett and I were not yet an item but I liked him a lot, but of course I used to be with Benjamin in Singapore and there were old feelings. At the end of that week, Bennett asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, and I did, and I really liked him, but the next day, I met Benjamin 'cos he'd arranged to bring me to Alexander Hamilton's grave, and to go to museums. I went, and I told Benjamin that Bennett and I had gotten together-together, like an item. He got upset 'cos he hadn't expected it, although I had told him about Bennett while I was dating him. Benjamin then said it was unfair, that I'd gone to New York and gotten together with Adam, then even Bennett, and that I was "shoving it in his face". I told Benjamin that I thought we were friends and I treated him as a friend by telling him about the men I was dating, but he wasn't ready. I told him he was the one who dumped me when we were dating long-distance after he'd gone back to New York from Singapore. I told him that hurt me because that was when I was still unstable and hadn't gone for proper therapy, and I asked him why he broke up with me then, if he still liked me. He said he only broke up because we were not in the same place, and he didn't see us being physically together, but now that I'd made my way to New York, he realized he wouldn't ever underestimate me again. After that day when he brought me to Hamilton's grave, I told him we could only be friends through our entire lives, because I was done, and I couldn't feel the same anymore. I'm not looking for temporary dates who are only there when times are good and easy, I want someone who can see a future with me, who's in it for the long haul. I'm not even asking for help to uproot myself and implant myself in the US, all I need is someone who sees my worth and will wait and be by my side through it. It is not on me if anyone doesn't fight for me or with me, and then thinks they are entitled to me. If you allow me to do it on my own in my tough times, then why on earth would I want you to be my partner when things are easy?

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