Thursday, March 14, 2019

UNLEARNING

There are a couple of things that I know for sure I dislike about each of my parents. It is not enough or it is easy enough for me to critique them or criticize them for such traits, but the toughest part is obviously unlearning those behaviors and teaching myself to do and be otherwise. One from my mom is that she is high-strung, and so it is that I am constantly battling between an inherent learnt programming to react to things in a high-strung manner, and being mellow and chill about things. It feels almost like schizophrenia, I have to constantly second-guess myself and ask, is this reaction the real me, or is it the me I learnt from observing my mother? It's even harder because I still live with her, still hear her complaints about the reality television we watch, of her disapproval towards strangers making out. And then there is my dad. I'm not even sure where to begin with him, but I feel very strongly about his... priorities. I feel like at age 46 you should have learnt and matured enough to at least get your shit together financially, but this still doesn't seem to be the case. The only reason I can think of is perhaps he lacks a proper system of priorities and prioritizing. If you are a father of three in your household, then I don't see a reason for you to be too broke for dinner, and if you are, then the thought of branded headphones shouldn't turn up until the phrase "too broke for dinner" leaves your lexicon for the rest of your lifetime. If you are not too broke for dinner, then I'm not sure why you would say you are, in which case your priority is still not your children's well-being and mental health, because children should not have to hear or worry about their parents being short of money, especially when they're younger than ten. Having said all that, it is a tough act to remind myself to balance being mellow and kind and forgiving towards myself, but also to prioritize financial responsibilities and consideration of everyone within the circle of people I could potentially affect in my life.

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