Friday, September 13, 2019

ALLURE

I went to therapy today. First of all, I might really be bisexual because I keep thinking about my therapist's voice and laughter. So that's not cool. I already have my own issues piled up, and I never imagined sexuality to be added on to the pile. I also don't know how to bring up to my therapist that I might be attracted to girls because I've never felt it before but I'm feeling it now for her. She must be like "omg here we go again, yet another client thinks they're falling for me" and also, half of my session I'm talking about my relationship with Lucas, so how would this even fit in with the rest of my feelings?

This week, I was resting at Lucas' before work, and I found out the extent of how messy his hidden stash in his wardrobe was. He had charging cables tangled with contact lenses on top of socks stuffed into umbrellas in a mess of hair products. I called him a man-child, which he wasn't happy about, then we set on a project to organize his room, buying compartments and bins from Muji. I'm a very organized and tidy person, if you didn't know, my wardrobe is color-coordinated and everything I own has to have a place where it can be kept. I thought that was the Asian in me, until I learnt the ways anxiety can manifest. His room is much cleaner and more organized now, and I felt extremely productive this week.

Next weekend, we have tickets to The Projector, to see a recording of a BBC interview with Margaret Atwood, who wrote The Handmaid's Tale and its sequel, The Testaments. Both are about a sexist dystopia in which women have practically no rights. I've read The Handmaid's Tale, it was Lucas' gift to me, and he wants us to watch the TV series together before the interview. I liked the book for how it was written, but the subject matter weighed heavy and drained me. Sometimes I think Lucas doesn't feel what I feel, of course he's not a woman and in this lifetime, men will never be stripped of their rights the way women are. He watches and reads things for entertainment but I come from a community (regardless of the fact that I don't believe in Islam nor any religion), that in certain areas of the world, make it dangerous or impossible for girls to go to school.

I can now see and hear my therapist the way I can visualize Lucas in my head. She reminds me of Ruby Rose because she dresses and presents androgynous but her voice is soft, definitely softer than mine. I find myself very intrigued by her. Do I bring this up to her or???? Is there a conflict of interest, should I change therapists? *rubs my temples* ....why does my brain make things so tough on me.... I just snorted at a retort to no one... You know how everyone thinks I only date white men? Well my therapist is Asian and I'm clearly attracted to her so take that!!!

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