Tuesday, May 12, 2020

PLETHORA

This post may make no sense to anyone who isn't me but it's okay because this post is for me. Isn't it weird and even strangely, bizarrely beautiful that you can be hurt most by the people you love most, and you will most hurt the people who love you most. Up till my early twenties, I made friends pretty easily. In school, when I travelled, at work, etc. It was only in the past three years when I started fighting regularly with my mother over bodily autonomy, over religion, over any and every thing, that I realized I'd grown up conditioned to please both her and my dad, and I had poor boundaries with everyone else because I hadn't learned to set boundaries with my parents. In the past couple of years, I think I've subconsciously been trying to set stronger boundaries with everyone, including but not limited to my parents. Unfortunately, because I hadn't had much experience and practice, I veered too far into being harsh and overstepping boundaries instead of negotiating new ones. I miss my previous best friends, nostalgia is a very strong thing for someone who ruminates obsessively like me. I have hurt some people, people I've dated (I can name three in the state of New York), people I've been friends with, and most if not all of them have loved me. I don't want to be angry, but I also recognize that some breaks are better made clean. I did love you, and I hurt you, and I'm sorry that I hurt you. When you feel the need to break up but you don't acknowledge it or talk about it, it will sooner or later surface as toxic behaviors in the relationship. I talked to Viv about writing a letter or letters to people whom I feel I miss, but I realized it is okay if they don't read it. I was feeling unsettled because I was carrying a lot of dissatisfaction within myself, but that is an emotion that I am feeling, and I alone am responsible for what happens to it. I felt wronged and misunderstood from what was said and what was done, and it manifested as anger and upset, and again, those feelings are mine to settle and put away. The quote that pops up tonight is "find what you love and let it kill you" to which I say, no thanks. Today I've learned healthy ways of coping, and I'm applying them, and I can love without letting it kill me.

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