Monday, May 18, 2020

STILL


what I want from this is learn to let go
no, not of you, of all that's been told
but killers reinvent and believe
and this leans on me just like a rootless

fuck you
and all we've been through
I said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good 
that you can let me out, let me out, let me out
of this hell when you're around

let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out
and fuck you, fuck you, I love you
and all we've been through

This rendition is so much better than the album version and it's such a bad quality video, sigh. I feel like Lisa Hannigan's soft accompaniment is heartwrenching. I have never heard "fuck you" said or sung a sadder way. It is so painful. One of the things that absolutely tears into me is when I'm settled in my life and my (biological) father appears, saying something that I really don't need or want to hear. It drains so much energy from me, because I think it gives me a weird sense of hope, and I cannot do the cordial thing until he eventually does something out-of-whack again, and leaves again. I think that's why when I leave someone's life, anyone's life, I try my best not to reappear, because I really don't want to be the person that causes anyone else to feel exhausted. Every time I want to do something, I think: would either of my parents do such a thing, and how would it make me feel? Then I usually do the opposite.

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