Sunday, June 21, 2020

BIRD'S EYE

Dear Adam, the night we broke up for real, you had a panic attack and I was very worried about you. Seeing the political movements in New York City reminds me of you sometimes. I hope you are doing really well with your partner and I really hope you cope in the most stable way possible, even with everything going on around you.

Dear Ben Glaser, often when I do things in Singapore, I see little spots of where we did things together. Those moments have always remained and will always remain uniquely ours. I remember how insanely fast we got to saying I love you, and to this day, that remains true. The museum, the takeaway food, when my mother pretended to feed you mango while we had a video call. You are different from anyone else, and I will always remember pigeons in New York with you.

Dear Bennett, when I met you I remember how comfortable things felt. For the first time in a long time I felt how easy it was to connect with someone just by being myself. Nothing I said had to be contrived. The cat, the board games, the food, and the books. I will always remember our first date in Central Park, and how you made me only believe in Hinge for dating apps. I think you are a wonderful person and I hope you know that.

Dear Joey, I didn't know you well enough to have all the feelings for you, and yet I did. Who knows how? Certainly not I. I have always made qualifiers for you, wanting to believe you to be a perfect person that no one is. Oh, maybe he's changed, oh but maybe he does believe in defunding the police, maybe he's also out there protesting, maybe he really was busy, maybe his words from long ago meant something different than what I thought it meant. I don't know if that's love, but that's what my mom does for me, and she says she loves me so, I suppose I've inherited that from her.

Dear Lucas, I love you very much. You have been the source of much of my happiness this past year. I'm afraid of being in a long-distance relationship with you because I did that with my ex from school, and it didn't pan out all too well. You're a brilliant person, and I wish I had all my issues sorted out so you didn't have to constantly be the one stable person in this relationship. I want to give you your raving opinions of Better Call Saul but instead I am only Breaking Bad. I don't know how you have stayed with me through this entire season, but you make me laugh when I least expect to. Thank you.

Dear Tina, I miss you so. I loved your random statements (of fact or opinion) while we walked around, popping into every other shop just to get out of the cold of winter. "People always think that rising divorce cases are a bad statistic, but they don't consider that women used to stay with their cheating or abusive or incompetent husbands because the women had no means of supporting themselves. We've now progressed to where women are independent enough to do better for themselves that they can leave their husbands." At times like tonight, I do wish I could talk to you about the mess that is in my head, and listen to your sage words that might make me cry, but somehow feel wise and better afterwards. I know, however, that you have your own things to process, from being in New York, from all the things happening there, from life. I just hope you know how much I miss you.

I feel a love for people, and learned it's called agape. This means that I don't have to be remotely related to or acquainted with someone for me to care about their safety and well-being in society (inasmuch as they also care for other strangers). I hate it that all the people I loved, I've lost them as friends. 

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