Sunday, June 21, 2020

WAVES

There are several things that have happened this week, most of them good. However, my feet have been consistently numb and I feel dizzy when I move or turn my head to do anything. At the end of last week, I got really worried I was going to die on that night and I could not, did not go to sleep till 4am. When I read them all together, they could be a panic attack but I'm not a doctor so I'm not sure. They could all be isolated. I might need to get on medication. I've taken anti-anxiety meds before (in 2017) but they didn't make me feel very good and so I stopped. I don't even remember which drugs those were. Sometimes I get a little paranoid and worry too much about things, then I talk about the symptoms and it goes away, like some ailments that plague the average human being in life, so I hope this is one of those times. I went for a run and it didn't send away the symptoms, so I doubt it has to do with exercise.

I've had two meetings with the mental health collective. In the first one, we watched Short Term 12, which starred Brie Larson, Rami Malek and Stephanie Beatriz. They work at a sort of halfway house for children and the film was very well done, in my opinion. We then discussed our thoughts about the movie and what moved me during that meeting was there were close to 40 of us watching the movie (over Zoom) and we agreed that we all cared about the same thing and we could make a difference if we all worked together and with each other. It was a nice important moment.

At the second meeting, we discussed our agenda. One of the proposals we wanted to make is to have vending machines in visible locations across Singapore, to dispense important mental health resources to distract anyone who might be suicidal, or even to lift the moods of anyone who might be having a bad day. My task is to do research on previous initiatives that have been taken by any other organizations to see if there have been barriers, etc. Tomorrow is our next meeting. Generally I feel that the more of such resources there are around the island, the easier it is for someone to recall that there are people who care for them when they're down and out, especially for those who don't have strong support systems in their lives. If you have any feedback regarding this situation, please reach out to let me know.

A few days ago, I received an email. I'd sent an email to a person I'd seen in a Netflix documentary, and she replied! She sent me well-wishes and a small donation towards my studies. It made me elated because these small things really make me feel that other people care and motivate me to go on this path, as tough as it is. I've written her a thank-you email. I feel very strange asking people for donations to my study fund, especially because I know there are so many things to worry about. Do you worry about Yemen, or Uyghur Muslims, or Black lives, or climate change, or Indigenous lives, or any of the thousands of things you could be worried about? It's okay if you do, and if you choose even one cause to champion for, that's enough.

I'm extremely worried that the panic attacks, if that's what they are, will get more frequent and debilitating, as the date draws nearer, and the financial responsibilities loom larger, and all the things happen. That's why I'm trying to acknowledge and verbalize them all so hopefully that means I negate some of the fear, and some of the paralysis. Therapy seems to be helping, though. I may need to ask whether people see their therapists more than once a week. 

We'll be okay. We will be okay.

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