Sunday, April 4, 2021

FAIT ACCOMPLI

When I first met Lucas, one of the first things I saw him post was an Instastory that said “healing is not linear”. How apt, or how curious it is, that it describes how I am, at the end of the relationship. When I broke up with him, I’d expected to hurt right after the breakup, so I gave myself a little time and space to hurt. I listened to Taylor Swift’s saddest songs, and I thought I was healed. I didn’t picture myself four months later, being awake at extreme times, pushing my brains to expand a little bit more, to learn a little bit more, to churn out words for just a little while longer. I didn’t see myself working two jobs, running to photoshoots, juggling earning an income and simultaneously spending it all on educating myself, with no one by my side. In 2019 to the end of 2020, in all my tumultuous times, when I was learning, when I was growing, when I was literally pushing the boundaries of the person I was to become the person I am, Lucas was always, constantly by my side. Now he is not. I suppose I am grieving the loss of his consistency, the solidity he provided. The grief is overwhelming me, I did not expect it and therefore sometimes, at the mention of any word I associate with Lucas, I start crying, at work, during a shoot, while in a class at 2am. Currently I have makeup on, waiting for my turn to model for some photos to advertise a product that I actually would use and advocate (I’ll talk about it when it’s out and ready). At this moment, typing about this, I am grieving and trying not to cry so my makeup stays intact. The tears will come and they have come. They say you will never truly get over the people whom you love, and I suppose that’s one way of knowing I did love Lucas. Also, fuck the non-monogamy thing. There is no way in hell I could do that in the next five years. I don’t have anything against his new partner, I know Lucas and I trust they will be happy together, and I’m happy to know that, but at the same time, Jesus Christ, it does hurt to see him with someone else. I don’t know how to reconcile humankind’s history of communal families and having multiple partners ingrained in our DNA, and the conditioning we’ve all had to commit to one individual for the rest of our lives. But that’s not a question I have to figure out now. I’m also really not even the type to fuck around, despite what some people think I’ll be doing in Canada. I’ve got two new vibrators since the breakup, but I haven’t slept with anyone since Lucas. I haven’t even kissed anyone since Lucas. I fully advocate for people doing whatever they want with their bodies, but unfortunately I’m not a no-strings-attached kind of person. I have a gazillion strings attached to the person I am. When we first got together, I truly did envision living out the rest of my life with Lucas, and I grieve the loss of that. I’ve decided, when I next date, I want to be fully intentional. I want to be healed and self-aware, and I want it to be long-lasting. I want a really long dating period, of at least six months, to gauge if it’s a person I can and really want to commit to, before even putting any label on a relationship. I really don’t want to go through another breakup, I think I’ve had enough in my life and I’m not doing well at all with this one.

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