Oooooft. It's been A Week. I saw that a new Netflix show had dropped, it's called Hello, Privilege, It's Me, Chelsea, a documentary by Chelsea Handler. When I saw the title, I was apprehensive because this is a white woman who's made it in the comedy world, making a documentary about white privilege. How many ways could this go wrong? Oh, so many. I watched it waiting for it to go wrong, I thought "oh no, she's going to profit off of her own privilege of the ability to make this documentary and she either doesn't realize it or is conscientiously doing so!!!" She starts by interviewing a room full of people of color in college/school, and the good thing is, they were not afraid to call her out on it, on all the things that could also go wrong. I think they made her feel rightly uncomfortable, they didn't hold back, so that was a good tone to set for the rest of the show. She goes on to interview black men, a table of Republican white women (who, of course, true to form, did not see any privilege), she goes to Oktoberfest and calls out other white people, yadda yadda yadda. I thought it was a documentary done very well, even as a person of color who anticipated all the ways it could have gone wrong. She interviews an ex-boyfriend, highlights the fact that when she was in her late teens dating a black guy, when they were caught doing drugs or breaking any law, she always got to slide under the radar and the boy always got punished, and he did 14 years in jail, in total. The only difference between them was obviously? Their skin. The message from the documentary is it no longer is about people of color holding the conversation and justifying their pain, their disenfranchisement, their disadvantages in society. White people have to have the conversations, and they have to be comfortable with making other white people uncomfortable. I do think this documentary should be viewed by all white people, but if you are a white person who doesn't already believe white privilege exists, and that every white person benefits from it (regardless of the class of society you are from: white trash vs upper echelons), I doubt you would be here, reading this? I hope everyone I know would certainly be aware of the privileges they hold.
Two days ago, Lush Singapore had its staff party, and I got ready at Lucas' place, while he was at work. One of his housemates, Sonia, is battling breast cancer, and she's on hospitalization leave, so that was the first time I got to properly talk to her. I told her I'd seen my mom go through her battle with breast cancer too, and we compared notes on family and whatnot. Sonia went to graduate school in London, and she told me the best place for fish and chips is Poppie's in Camden Town. Not that I have any plans to travel to Europe anytime soon, I'm going to be a broke student for at least the next four years. We shared our love for tea, and she loves Disney, so she lent me her seashell-shaped Tarte makeup palette for me to bring as an accessory to the staff party, 'cos I was going as Ariel. I had a very chill time bonding with Sonia, and I look forward to becoming proper friends with her.
I had lots of fun at the party. I was in the lip-sync battle, and I "swam on the floor", and even though I can't do splits, I did a death drop, just to make my RuPaul's Drag Race-watching friends in my team proud. If you'd followed my Instastories, you'd have seen all my awkward moves, but lots of people replied saying I was cute and I'm so glad these people love me!!!!!! It's all worth the bruises I have on my knees from the death drop (also documented on Instastories)! I made a major booboo on that night, though.
So firstly, because I'm in Singapore and because a majority of Singaporeans wouldn't know, I gotta say that cisgender people are people who identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, according to their sexual organs. For example, I identify as female, which aligns with the female sex organs I was born with, so I am cisgender. After the lip-sync battle, after I'd taken off my Ariel wig and swam and rolled and done the split, I was panting and I looked at the other representatives of the other teams. My first response was "oh my god I'm the only girl here", and the girl next to me, she's not cisgender (meaning she's transgender) but she identifies as female and for as long as I've known her, she's identified as female. She said "and what's that supposed to mean?" and then I knew I'd fucked up, so I apologized and I've apologized again since then, and I think she's forgiven me, but I'm not sure.
Today, Lucas sent me an article with a photo of Justin Trudeau in blackface for a college party twenty years ago. He was supposed to be Aladdin. I can't speak on behalf of Justin Trudeau and what his thoughts on it now are, he's been interviewed by Hasan Minhaj on Patriot Act and sometimes it does seem Trudeau is yet another lip-service kinda guy, and he doesn't really follow-through with his policies, so I can't vouch for his character. The photo was from two decades ago, though, and social stigmas change, so I don't think it's fair to hold him accountable unless he truly doesn't show remorse for it. I always think it's shady when political opponents bring up events from beyond a decade ago, because we've all made mistakes, and we've all changed and moved on from things we used to believe and do. I used to believe in God and sins and I felt guilt at premarital sex, and now I'm a completely different person in three years, so I'd say twenty years is a long enough window for someone to have educated themselves and moved past their old mistakes. I do, however, believe that when you've fucked up, you should just own up to it and believe you've fucked up and are changing to do better, and then commit to that. I'm saying this because I know I fucked up with my "I'm the only girl here" comment, and it was wrong and I was in the wrong.
I really want to attend a Patriot Act live taping session. I'd love to meet Hasan Minhaj. My four favorite people in the world are all in New York: Hasan Minhaj, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Taylor Swift. I'm not there yet, but I will be soon enough.
Wednesday, September 18, 2019
Thursday, September 12, 2019
ALLURE
I went to therapy today. First of all, I might really be bisexual because I keep thinking about my therapist's voice and laughter. So that's not cool. I already have my own issues piled up, and I never imagined sexuality to be added on to the pile. I also don't know how to bring up to my therapist that I might be attracted to girls because I've never felt it before but I'm feeling it now for her. She must be like "omg here we go again, yet another client thinks they're falling for me" and also, half of my session I'm talking about my relationship with Lucas, so how would this even fit in with the rest of my feelings?
This week, I was resting at Lucas' before work, and I found out the extent of how messy his hidden stash in his wardrobe was. He had charging cables tangled with contact lenses on top of socks stuffed into umbrellas in a mess of hair products. I called him a man-child, which he wasn't happy about, then we set on a project to organize his room, buying compartments and bins from Muji. I'm a very organized and tidy person, if you didn't know, my wardrobe is color-coordinated and everything I own has to have a place where it can be kept. I thought that was the Asian in me, until I learnt the ways anxiety can manifest. His room is much cleaner and more organized now, and I felt extremely productive this week.
Next weekend, we have tickets to The Projector, to see a recording of a BBC interview with Margaret Atwood, who wrote The Handmaid's Tale and its sequel, The Testaments. Both are about a sexist dystopia in which women have practically no rights. I've read The Handmaid's Tale, it was Lucas' gift to me, and he wants us to watch the TV series together before the interview. I liked the book for how it was written, but the subject matter weighed heavy and drained me. Sometimes I think Lucas doesn't feel what I feel, of course he's not a woman and in this lifetime, men will never be stripped of their rights the way women are. He watches and reads things for entertainment but I come from a community (regardless of the fact that I don't believe in Islam nor any religion), that in certain areas of the world, make it dangerous or impossible for girls to go to school.
I can now see and hear my therapist the way I can visualize Lucas in my head. She reminds me of Ruby Rose because she dresses and presents androgynous but her voice is soft, definitely softer than mine. I find myself very intrigued by her. Do I bring this up to her or???? Is there a conflict of interest, should I change therapists? *rubs my temples* ....why does my brain make things so tough on me.... I just snorted at a retort to no one... You know how everyone thinks I only date white men? Well my therapist is Asian and I'm clearly attracted to her so take that!!!
This week, I was resting at Lucas' before work, and I found out the extent of how messy his hidden stash in his wardrobe was. He had charging cables tangled with contact lenses on top of socks stuffed into umbrellas in a mess of hair products. I called him a man-child, which he wasn't happy about, then we set on a project to organize his room, buying compartments and bins from Muji. I'm a very organized and tidy person, if you didn't know, my wardrobe is color-coordinated and everything I own has to have a place where it can be kept. I thought that was the Asian in me, until I learnt the ways anxiety can manifest. His room is much cleaner and more organized now, and I felt extremely productive this week.
Next weekend, we have tickets to The Projector, to see a recording of a BBC interview with Margaret Atwood, who wrote The Handmaid's Tale and its sequel, The Testaments. Both are about a sexist dystopia in which women have practically no rights. I've read The Handmaid's Tale, it was Lucas' gift to me, and he wants us to watch the TV series together before the interview. I liked the book for how it was written, but the subject matter weighed heavy and drained me. Sometimes I think Lucas doesn't feel what I feel, of course he's not a woman and in this lifetime, men will never be stripped of their rights the way women are. He watches and reads things for entertainment but I come from a community (regardless of the fact that I don't believe in Islam nor any religion), that in certain areas of the world, make it dangerous or impossible for girls to go to school.
I can now see and hear my therapist the way I can visualize Lucas in my head. She reminds me of Ruby Rose because she dresses and presents androgynous but her voice is soft, definitely softer than mine. I find myself very intrigued by her. Do I bring this up to her or???? Is there a conflict of interest, should I change therapists? *rubs my temples* ....why does my brain make things so tough on me.... I just snorted at a retort to no one... You know how everyone thinks I only date white men? Well my therapist is Asian and I'm clearly attracted to her so take that!!!
Friday, September 6, 2019
MISS AMERICANA
& THE HEARTBREAK PRINCE
Taylor Swift's new album, Lover, is quite a bop, I think there are an equal number of tracks between this and on 1989 that I really love. The only bonus is perhaps this one has The Man, a song about feminism and how much more a woman has to do to be "on par" with a man, and Miss Americana, which is an ode to politics. It's about the general vibe of American politics, and how her team is on the "losing side" and how she's so sad she paints the town blue. Taylor Swift singing about politics is character growth and maturity and I'm very proud of her I don't care what you say!!!! Apart from those two, I really, really like Paper Rings, which is a fun bop about how if you like someone, you'd marry them, even with paper rings.
I absolutely adore my therapist's smile and laugh, and voice. So that has me a little confused, but sexuality is fluid and on a spectrum, so!!!
It's been a godawful long week. I went to the hospital to see the gynae for my nightmare of period cramps and got prescribed very strong painkillers. In a couple weeks or so, I have to go back for a pelvic ultrasound to check whether I have endometriosis or whatever other dysfunction in my reproductive system, or if my cramps are just excruciating for regularly performing periods! Fun!!!!!! Also the gynae was in the exact same room as the one I was in during my miscarriage three years ago, because that's the only hospital in Singapore dedicated to women and children. Fun, fun, fun.
I'm sore all over, I need a massage, and until now I don't think I've felt like I want to marry anyone with a paper ring. In seven billion people, what are the odds that someone else aligns with you in pretty much all the ways that matter? Do you think I could find someone who doesn't believe in the death penalty, supports the LGBTQ+ movement and gender and sexuality equality, thinks the political centrist stance is basically one of cowardice and not a real stance, is willing to work to protect the environment for the sake of underdeveloped communities of the world who don't have the fortune enough to survive impending climate change -- as opposed to working for money until they die, believes Palestine is and should be a free state, doesn't believe in religion and is free enough to voice it to the world, listens to Taylor Swift and yadda yadda yadda? Am I the only one? How do I calculate the odds of this?
I absolutely adore my therapist's smile and laugh, and voice. So that has me a little confused, but sexuality is fluid and on a spectrum, so!!!
It's been a godawful long week. I went to the hospital to see the gynae for my nightmare of period cramps and got prescribed very strong painkillers. In a couple weeks or so, I have to go back for a pelvic ultrasound to check whether I have endometriosis or whatever other dysfunction in my reproductive system, or if my cramps are just excruciating for regularly performing periods! Fun!!!!!! Also the gynae was in the exact same room as the one I was in during my miscarriage three years ago, because that's the only hospital in Singapore dedicated to women and children. Fun, fun, fun.
I'm sore all over, I need a massage, and until now I don't think I've felt like I want to marry anyone with a paper ring. In seven billion people, what are the odds that someone else aligns with you in pretty much all the ways that matter? Do you think I could find someone who doesn't believe in the death penalty, supports the LGBTQ+ movement and gender and sexuality equality, thinks the political centrist stance is basically one of cowardice and not a real stance, is willing to work to protect the environment for the sake of underdeveloped communities of the world who don't have the fortune enough to survive impending climate change -- as opposed to working for money until they die, believes Palestine is and should be a free state, doesn't believe in religion and is free enough to voice it to the world, listens to Taylor Swift and yadda yadda yadda? Am I the only one? How do I calculate the odds of this?
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
NOT SUMMER
The time has almost come upon us. I should have been asleep three hours ago but as you can see, I am clearly not. In about three days, it will be three years to the day I took the flight back from LA, then discovered that I was pregnant, then miscarried. At which point, my great depression commenced. Even still, I yearn for LA. Or perhaps especially so, I yearn for LA because LA was pre-depression. I love the sun, I love the beach, I like solitary hikes by myself because if you still haven't been able to tell, I don't even really like talking to most people!!! (Or perhaps this was a post-depression thing.)
Anyway, today I was watching the videos of my second trip to LA, the two-month solo one, and I actually giggled thinking of the man I fell in love with. He is (was? don't know) a scientist with SpaceX, and he raced cars and motorbikes and he did not treat women particularly well, at least not while I was there. When I told Adam that Joey insisted we tip our pizza guy, Adam scoffed and said "that's what we all do here!" ....I literally loved someone for being a decent human being, doing the bare minimum, least ever. Don't twist my words, I still don't think he's a bad guy, he's a guy with good and bad sides, like we all are, but truly, what on Earth was I thinking??
In fact, even Adam is a privileged kid, in my eyes. And the Ben who was in Singapore, his Harvard education was fully funded. (One of them voted Bernie and the other for Hillary.) My current boyfriend hates the corporation he works for, hates Elon Musk and Richard Branson and capitalism, and wants to join the guerrilla fighters to save the environment (what guerilla fighters??? I don't even know!!!!). What is even my taste in men and what connects them all to each other?? White skin and the fact that I can insult them all and they have to accept it 'cos their ancestors colonized my continent??
Sometimes, like Joaquin Phoenix's character in Her, I feel like I've felt the most intense version of everything I'm ever gonna feel in my life, and the rest of it will just pale in comparison.
Anyway, today I was watching the videos of my second trip to LA, the two-month solo one, and I actually giggled thinking of the man I fell in love with. He is (was? don't know) a scientist with SpaceX, and he raced cars and motorbikes and he did not treat women particularly well, at least not while I was there. When I told Adam that Joey insisted we tip our pizza guy, Adam scoffed and said "that's what we all do here!" ....I literally loved someone for being a decent human being, doing the bare minimum, least ever. Don't twist my words, I still don't think he's a bad guy, he's a guy with good and bad sides, like we all are, but truly, what on Earth was I thinking??
In fact, even Adam is a privileged kid, in my eyes. And the Ben who was in Singapore, his Harvard education was fully funded. (One of them voted Bernie and the other for Hillary.) My current boyfriend hates the corporation he works for, hates Elon Musk and Richard Branson and capitalism, and wants to join the guerrilla fighters to save the environment (what guerilla fighters??? I don't even know!!!!). What is even my taste in men and what connects them all to each other?? White skin and the fact that I can insult them all and they have to accept it 'cos their ancestors colonized my continent??
Sometimes, like Joaquin Phoenix's character in Her, I feel like I've felt the most intense version of everything I'm ever gonna feel in my life, and the rest of it will just pale in comparison.
Monday, September 2, 2019
SIMULATION THEORY
A few days ago I had a dream in which we were all living in a simulation. After the dream, I have been feeling extremely calm. Muse is performing at the Singapore F1 race in two weekends, and I'm hoping to catch them live again. They were one of my two favorite concerts I've ever seen live, the other being Taylor Swift, so yeah, I guess I live in extremes. If I were a sim, I wonder if I'm an entertaining one. One time, Adam said that the way I think is very different from how other people might think. I hope my value as a sim is not in the way I'm perceived by men, that would be so boring. I must have inherent values and skillsets besides my dating history. I'm taking this way too seriously. My therapist might wanna know about it. Lucas has been making me watch Star Trek: Discovery, he's a Trekkie and wants me to be one as well. If I were in a simulation, I would find myself a very boring subject 'cos all I ever do is watch Netflix. Then again, if the non-simulated person was watching us in our simulation, and all they ever did was watch us, maybe they'd find it relatable that all we ever wanna do is watch Netflix. I was reading A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking, and I was halfway through it. It was a chapter about quarks, integer spins and whatever, and I realized I could no longer follow it. I couldn't picture it in my head, I didn't understand and I began questioning why I thought I would be able to understand quantum physics from a book, considering I didn't do well in high school Physics. It did not track. I stopped reading it and perhaps I will watch it on a Youtube video instead, perhaps illustrations may enlighten me better, although again, why I even want to understand quantum physics is beyond me, besides the fact that I know my brain is capable of it (with patience) and I want my brain to know all the things it's capable of.
Friday, August 30, 2019
FOSTER THE PEOPLE
I went to my friend's 21st birthday party last night. After we'd eaten, we played Mario Kart on Wii, a round of foosball, and a round of life-size jenga. Sometime during the party, Lucas said he was bored and if we went to parties that his friends threw, they would have better music and better aesthetic. My period is due tomorrow, according to the app, so I might be extra touchy, but that struck my nerve. The music being played was the type of music I listen to, and the aesthetic was exactly the aesthetic I had for my 28th birthday last year, and I showed Lucas a photo of it. He tried to backpedal, but I was pissed off. Lucas says he doesn't think I'm basic, and he doesn't like "basic" people, but I'm the poster girl of basic, and I'm not ashamed of it. I unabashedly love Taylor Swift and pop music. I love the look of mass-produced fashion, or at least I don't dress "alternative". I love what I love, and I don't like people who shame other people for being proud of what they love (unless it's, you know, guns or whatever). Lucas said he didn't mean that he thinks he and his group of friends are cooler than myself and my friends, but he used the words "better music" and "better aesthetic" and that's close enough. Secondly, whatever the aesthetic and music being played, he was there with me, and being bored while I'm right there next to him, also annoys me. Having conversation with a loved one should not depend on where you are and what you're doing.
Anyway, I went for therapy this week and I told Lyssa about it. I said it sort of reminded me of this Hindi movie we'd both seen together, where Shah Rukh Khan acts as Alia Bhatt's therapist, and she falls for him, romantically. I think if you have a good therapist, you are likely to find yourself being extremely fond of them. I like my therapist a lot, I don't know why, is it because they let me say my darkest thoughts for an hour (because they're being paid to) or because I feel safe with them. Who knows??? I think health insurance should cover seeing a therapist, but I highly doubt that will ever be the case in Singapore.
Anyway, I went for therapy this week and I told Lyssa about it. I said it sort of reminded me of this Hindi movie we'd both seen together, where Shah Rukh Khan acts as Alia Bhatt's therapist, and she falls for him, romantically. I think if you have a good therapist, you are likely to find yourself being extremely fond of them. I like my therapist a lot, I don't know why, is it because they let me say my darkest thoughts for an hour (because they're being paid to) or because I feel safe with them. Who knows??? I think health insurance should cover seeing a therapist, but I highly doubt that will ever be the case in Singapore.
Thursday, August 29, 2019
Thursday, August 22, 2019
THE GREATER DEPRESSION
Every time I think I'm not depressed, I read some news. The latest is that the Amazon is on fire, not even accidentally, but intentionally so by the president of Brazil. If you have not read about Bolsonaro, there is an episode of Hasan Minhaj's Patriot Act on Netflix that summarizes the Brazilian president. Every day while commuting to work, I think a hundred things. What if there were a worldwide tax on having children? Every birth is taxed a billion dollars, so only billionaires can have kids. The billions collected in taxes then pay for environmental repair. I've slowly but surely inched toward the conclusion that it's unethical to have children. It's unethical to the child because their generation are the ones who'll have to face rising temperatures, rising costs of food due to farming and agricultural difficulties from rising temperatures, rising everything!!! Our kids if we have any, are going to be burdened by the boomers' generation and it's not fair for these people!!!!! It's also unethical toward the collective global environment because kids are new people, who are then taxing on the environment. As my own person, I can choose to refrain from using plastic bags, stick to using non-disposable products, eat sustainably, buy only secondhand clothes. But the moment I introduce a baby to the world, that new life now needs diapers, pacifiers, new clothes, new furniture, and kids love toys and unnecessary things!!!! We are living in an era of the greatest depression with no light at the end of the tunnel. I understand that kids are, on a cellular family unit, supposed to make people feel happy and fulfilled, but in the grand scheme of things, these tiny tots are distractions from reality, and the reality is the planet is on fire!!!!!!!!! I'm not blaming anyone who already has kids, but jesus christ it really is tough to have conversations with my friends, because I am at an age where I'm surrounded by people who are giving birth. I truly think we should at least wait till someone comes up with a real solution to climate change before going back to having kids. The worst part is the billionaires really do not seem to care, they have the money to live in mansions, they ride around in their comfortable cars, they don't know how the rest of the world suffer in our tiny apartments, sweating while walking to take public transport (which doesn't work nor have functioning A/C), so they're not at all motivated to solve the issues at hand. The only thing billionaires care about is money (I'm certain the only way you can become a billionaire is by caring very much about money), so the only thing that might work is taxing them, so they either pay to have babies, or they don't, 'cos they don't wanna part with the money.
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK
Sometime within the past month, an influencer called Preetipls made a reaction video calling out the main media agency in Singapore for using brownface. The agency and all involved parties made a half-assed apology then Preetipls was reported, for "inciting racial conflict" or whatever. First of all, here are 9 Phrases Allies Can Say When Called Out Instead of Getting Defensive.
This is what has transpired in the past few days. I would like to say this is not personal, I don't care about this person's exact identity and you shouldn't, either, but this is the general tone you can get from the majority of Singaporeans. They don't understand racism, they downplay it when they're perpetrating it, they focus on their own hurt instead (and in doing so, are still not focusing on the hurt they have caused and how they can learn from it) and this is exactly the kind of reason I'm beyond ready to leave this goddamn country. Just FYI, 76% of the population are Chinese, 15% are Malay (that's what I am), and ethnic Indians make up 7.4%.
Also, I will be using names from One Direction instead of real names, except for mine, because you clearly know who I am.
Again, I just want to say this isn't about this particular person or setting, I just think the system in Singapore is fucked. I think more people need to be held accountable, especially when you work in a workplace like Lush. I feel like Lush holds itself by its brand values, by accepting people from all walks of life without prejudice, so making race-related comments, even in a casual way, makes me extremely uncomfortable. I really want to move to New York, so that I'm not the most woke (for lack of a better word) of people, how weird is that. It's tiring when I really am so progressive, and that I'm vocal, so every time someone fucks up, somehow it always ends up on my shoulder to call them out, and I JUST WANT TO LIVE.
This is what has transpired in the past few days. I would like to say this is not personal, I don't care about this person's exact identity and you shouldn't, either, but this is the general tone you can get from the majority of Singaporeans. They don't understand racism, they downplay it when they're perpetrating it, they focus on their own hurt instead (and in doing so, are still not focusing on the hurt they have caused and how they can learn from it) and this is exactly the kind of reason I'm beyond ready to leave this goddamn country. Just FYI, 76% of the population are Chinese, 15% are Malay (that's what I am), and ethnic Indians make up 7.4%.
Also, I will be using names from One Direction instead of real names, except for mine, because you clearly know who I am.
Louis: Hey sarah, I get that u were offended & u prolly misunderstood me bc what I'm saying didn't mean that u r not Malay. Just meant that ur skin colour defines u at the first look. Aft knowing u it's like speaking to a white girl. & i've told u this like so many times. I guess I said it the wrong way this time. My bad for that I'm sorry. But what I'm disappointed abt is u not coming to me straight & going around telling people what I told u. It really hurts to get stab in the back just like that.
& also, I rlly said that bc I didn't want to include u with like me saying other Malays lazy. Bc I think u r not?? But I'm rlly sorry if I offended u.
Sarah: Hey Louis, I'm not sure what went down between Zayn and yourself, I think it might have been better if she'd talked to both of us together so we could clear up exactly what happened and what everyone thinks. The reason I brought it up to Zayn is because you made a racist remark that Malays don't do things well the first time and create a double job. That statement itself was wrong, if Niall really didn't do her job with stacking the paper bags, maybe it's really just Niall's fault and you could have just told her straight.
Then you said you didn't consider me Malay, which is another offensive statement. I know I don't agree with traditional Malay views on gender and families and whatnot, but I cannot change my race. Just because I don't practice certain cultural or religious beliefs doesn't mean I can change to being not Malay. I was offended because I am Malay, and because I disagree about all Malays being lazy. Maybe they are "backwards" in terms of mental health, or male-female relationships and sexuality etc, but i don't think that someone who is Malay is automatically lazy or incompetent at their jobs. Just because you don't identify me as Malay doesn't mean I shouldn't be offended on behalf of my race. My family members are Malay, my close friends are Malay, they might not have similar political beliefs as me but they've all worked hard to get very far in their own professions.
Even in our own store, I think Liam has always been hardworking. She puts in the effort with training notes, she does what she needs to as a keyholder, so when you brought her up about the perfume shipment thing, I felt it was unfair. Even if she really didn't help on that day, I still think it's not right to just lump it under the fact that she's Malay. It's just not right to use a person's race as an excuse to calling the whole race lazy or incompetent.
I'm sorry I didn't go straight to you, but I wasn't sure how. I think you knew when you first said that all Malays are lazy, that it was a remark that was offensive and problematic, and that's why you tried to differentiate me away by saying I don't count as Malay. You were already trying to take away any reaction I could have to your statement and I was the only Malay person working on that night and I didn't know how to bring it up.
Not everybody can get along with everybody, but I hope you really change your mindset about all Malay people. I hope you have more Malay friends and know that maybe if there any flaws in them, you can teach them whatever you think can be changed. Otherwise, you may miss out on different experiences in life just cos you think Malays are lazy. Behavior can be changed and learnt, and I don't want to ever believe I have any characteristic flaw just because I was born in whatever community. For example, I was born in a Malay family and you acknowledged that I'm "different", so if I can be different, then all Malays can be different from each other. Some could be lazy but it doesn't reflect on any other Malay.
Louis: First of all, I did not say Niall Malay that’s why create double job. I have just been cleaning up after her through my entire shift - like cleaning demo bowls and refilling tissue all. Which she should have done bc I didn’t see her do anything after that. At that point I did not say anything abt Malays yet. It was only until I recalled during the perfume shipment she also didn’t help that’s when I said it? But I’m just saying that bc during the perfume thing only the Chinese were doing all the packing and unpacking. But ok enough of that.
Yes saying it is wrong but that’s what a lot of people think? & im sure u have made negative remarks abt Malays before? But ok my bad for saying such nasty things about them.
Yes for sure I know Liam is hardworking it’s just that coincidentally she was at that situation hence i said it bc I’m annoyed? But I’ve alrd apologise to her bc I know she’s not one of those Malays?
& I love u guys as Malay friends as colleagues I can feel else way? It’s just two diff situations?
I just felt that u rlly dk the whole story bc all u heard was bits and pieces & u took that info and generated it real quick? Telling Zayn is fine? But why tell Harry & Liam? I see no point to tell them? It just seem rlly childish to like not clear the air with me and start creating issues between me & the others?
Sarah: I was the person you said all this to, how can i be the one who heard bits and pieces?
Louis: I didn’t even tell u everything
Bc u seem so uninterested
So I just stop talking
U rlly gave me no reaction at the ffm then I just keep quiet alrd
I didn’t even expect it to escalate this way? And I rlly never even think so much? I was just having a Long day from school stuff & coming to work having to clean up so much rlly sucks
I swear if I knew u would take it v personally I would have watch what I said?
And I know words that come out from me isn’t always the nicest
But I never expected u to take it v seriously
Whatever it was I apologise sincerely for all these unnecessary commotion stirred in you & ur close ones I didn’t mean it ok?
Again, I just want to say this isn't about this particular person or setting, I just think the system in Singapore is fucked. I think more people need to be held accountable, especially when you work in a workplace like Lush. I feel like Lush holds itself by its brand values, by accepting people from all walks of life without prejudice, so making race-related comments, even in a casual way, makes me extremely uncomfortable. I really want to move to New York, so that I'm not the most woke (for lack of a better word) of people, how weird is that. It's tiring when I really am so progressive, and that I'm vocal, so every time someone fucks up, somehow it always ends up on my shoulder to call them out, and I JUST WANT TO LIVE.
AVENTADOR
I'm so tired of love songs
tired of love songs
tired of love songs
just wanna go home
wanna go home
wanna go home
tired of love songs
tired of love songs
just wanna go home
wanna go home
wanna go home
Sunday, August 18, 2019
CIRCADIAN CICADA
A couple days ago, we had this question asked at work: which of your character traits has been most useful? I hadn't decided on mine, but Cat and Cheru said it was my authenticity, or the fact that I can be real. I'm glad they said that. I do like that about myself. When I like or dislike anyone, it is very obvious, I cannot act otherwise and it saves me a lot of effort and time. Sometimes I also feel like trash, and I break down, and I have never seen the need to mask it, not on social media nor in real life. I don't like people who are inauthentic, I don't think life is a bed of roses and people shouldn't pretend that it is. Anyway, yesterday I read that one of the problems with cleaning up plastic in the oceans is that it's broken down to microplastic bits and it would be a monumental task to sort out the plastic from oceanic life and other stuff, rendering it impossible. I know you can magnetize certain plastics, so if all that plastic was magnetized, it could be attracted to a magnet. Otherwise, all hard plastics manufactured from this point forward should be magnetized so that in a decade from now, you could use a gigantic magnet to basically attract all the plastic in the oceans. Any businesses making non-magnetizable plastics should be fined a hefty sum. I don't know if this isn't feasible because it costs much more to produce such plastics, but tbh, the alternative cost is our Earth continuing to die, making it uninhabitable, which is the ultimate cost, isn't it? Alternatively, scientists should really synthesize a bacterium or animal or whatever, that only eats or breaks down plastic, and release the bacteria/creatures in the oceans. I don't know why this issue is pressing me so much (actually I know why, bc I don't wanna see this planet burn to hell), and also I'm not a scientist, but Jesus, CAN SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME PLEASE COME UP WITH IDEAS. We're in 2019, we've got nuclear reactors, we've changed our approach to quantum physics a myriad of times, we're trying to colonize Mars, and no one has figured out what to do with plastic waste in our waters?! For fuck's sake.
Saturday, August 17, 2019
COMET
I pray for the wicked on the weekend
Mama can I get another amen?
oh, it's Saturday night
swear to God I ain't ever gonna repent
Mama can I get another amen?
oh, it's Saturday night
Mama can I get another amen?
oh, it's Saturday night
swear to God I ain't ever gonna repent
Mama can I get another amen?
oh, it's Saturday night
Friday, August 16, 2019
INTUITION
I don't have a degree, my highest level of education so far is a diploma from a Singaporean polytechnic. I'm older than most college students but I do know I'm gonna put in my all, and be the best student I've ever been in my life. You might also know that I don't have the richest of parents, and each of my parents has at least three kids younger than I am (my mom has three, my father has five). If you do believe in me as well as in furthering the education of any individual who wants to study, please consider contributing funds for my tuition. It would be nice to be able to focus on studying and pulling the best grades without having to worry about putting food on my table, although I do know the occasional instant ramen is part of an authentic college student experience. I also intend on going for therapy, so my mental health is in check while I study. Also, I do think the planet doesn't have very many centuries to go before a climate crisis, so I don't believe there is any reason to hoard your wealth for the future. I used to think I'm a pessimist, but I think I'm just being a realist now. I'm currently applying for all sorts of scholarships and funding opportunities. There are first-in-family scholarships I can apply for 'cos neither of my parents has a degree, immigrant scholarships, minority scholarships, and returning/continuing education scholarships 'cos it's been close to a decade since I was last in school. I don't know if I'll receive any of it because there are always going to be thousands upon thousands of applicants competing for mere hundreds of spots. I'm trying, though. I can't wait to go back to studying! Thank you for always being with me on all my journeys.
Thursday, August 15, 2019
GENESIS AND CATASTROPHE:
A TRUE STORY
Once every couple of years or so, I think about one of my favorite short stories, that also happens to be historically factual. It was written by Roald Dahl in 1962. Roald Dahl has written famous children's stories, one of which is my absolute favorite, Matilda. However, he also wrote many twisted and dark adult stories, which I also absolutely adore and favor.
“Everything is normal,” the doctor was saying. “Just lie back and relax.” His voice was miles away in the distance and he seemed to be shouting at her. “You have a son.”
“What?”
“You have a fine son. You understand that, don’t you? A fine son. Did you hear him crying?”
“Is he all right, Doctor?”
“Of course he is all right.”
“Please let me see him.”
“You’ll see him in a moment.”
“You are certain he is all right?”
“I am quite certain.”
“Is he still crying?”
“Try to rest. There is nothing to worry about.”
“Why has he stopped crying, Doctor? What happened?”
“Don’t excite yourself, please. Everything is normal.” “I want to see him. Please let me see him.”
“Dear lady,” the doctor said, patting her hand. “You have a fine strong healthy child. Don’t you believe me when I tell you that?”
“What is the woman over there doing to him?”
“Your baby is being made to look pretty for you,” the doctor said. “We are giving him a little wash, that is all. You must spare us a moment or two for that.”
“You swear he is all right?”
“I swear it. Now lie back and relax. Close your eyes. Go on, close your eyes. That’s right. That’s better. Good girl...”
“I have prayed and prayed that he will live, Doctor.”
“Of course he will live. What are you talking about?”
“The others didn’t.”
“What?”
“None of my other ones lived, Doctor.”
The doctor stood beside the bed looking down at the pale exhausted face of the young woman. He had never seen her before today. She and her husband were new people in the town. The innkeeper’s wife, who had come up to assist in the delivery, had told him that the husband worked at the local customs-house on the border and that the two of them had arrived quite suddenly at the inn with one trunk and one suitcase about three months ago. The husband was a drunkard, the innkeeper’s wife had said, an arrogant, overbearing, bullying little drunkard, but the young woman was gentle and religious. And she was very sad. She never smiled. In the few weeks that she had been here, the innkeeper’s wife had never once seen her smile. Also there was a rumour that this was the husband’s third marriage, that one wife had died and that the other had divorced him for unsavoury reasons. But that was only a rumour.
The doctor bent down and pulled the sheet up a little higher over the patient’s chest. “You have nothing to worry about,” he said gently. “This is a perfectly normal baby.”
“That’s exactly what they told me about the others. But I lost them all, Doctor. In the last eighteen months I have lost all three of my children, so you mustn’t blame me for being anxious.”
“Three?”
“This is my fourth... in four years.”
The doctor shifted his feet uneasily on the bare floor.
“I don’t think you know what it means, Doctor, to lose them all, all three of them, slowly, separately, one by one. I keep seeing them. I can see Gustav’s face now as clearly as if he were lying here beside me in the bed. Gustav was a lovely boy, Doctor. But he was always ill. It is terrible when they are always ill and there is nothing you can do to help them.”
“I know.”
The woman opened her eyes, stared up at the doctor for a few seconds, then closed them again.
“My little girl was called Ida. She died a few days before Christmas. That is only four months ago. I just wish you could have seen Ida, Doctor.”
“You have a new one now.”
“But Ida was so beautiful.”
“Yes,” the doctor said. “I know.”
“How can you know?” she cried.
“I am sure that she was a lovely child. But this new one is also like that.” The doctor turned away from the bed and walked over to the window and stood there looking out. It was a wet grey April afternoon, and across the street he could see the red roofs of the houses and the huge raindrops splashing on the tiles.
“Ida was two years old, Doctor... and she was so beautiful I was never able to take my eyes off her from the time I dressed her in the morning until she was safe in bed again at night. I used to live in holy terror of something happening to that child. Gustav had gone and my little Otto had also gone and she was all I had left. Sometimes I used to get up in the night and creep over to the cradle and put my ear close to her mouth just to make sure that she was breathing.”
“Try to rest,” the doctor said, going back to the bed. “Please try to rest.” The woman’s face was white and bloodless, and there was a slight bluish-grey tinge around the nostrils and the mouth. A few strands of damp hair hung down over her forehead, sticking to the skin.
“When she died... I was already pregnant again when that happened, Doctor. This new one was a good four months on its way when Ida died. ‘I don’t want it!’ I shouted after the funeral. ‘I won’t have it! I have buried enough children!’ And my husband... he was strolling among the guests with a big glass of beer in his hand... he turned around quickly and said, ‘I have news for you, Klara, I have good news.’ Can you imagine that, Doctor? We have just buried our third child and he stands there with a glass of beer in his hand and tells me that he has good news. ‘Today I have been posted to Braunau,’ he says, ‘so you can start packing at once. This will be a new start for you, Klara,’ he says. ‘It will be a new place and you can have a new doctor... ”’
“Please don’t talk any more.”
“You are the new doctor, aren’t you, Doctor?”
“That’s right.”
“And here we are in Braunau.”
“I am frightened, Doctor.”
“Try not to be frightened.”
“What chance can the fourth one have now?”
“You must stop thinking like that.”
“I can’t help it. I am certain there is something inherited that causes my children to die in this way. There must be.”
“That is nonsense.”
“Do you know what my husband said to me when Otto was born, Doctor? He came into the room and he looked into the cradle where Otto was lying and he said, ‘Why do all my children have to be so small and weak?”’
“I am sure he didn’t say that.”
“He put his head right into Otto’s cradle as though he were examining a tiny insect and he said, ‘All I am saying is why can’t they be better specimens? That’s all I am saying.’ And three days after that, Otto was dead. We baptized him quickly on the third day and he died the same evening. And then Gustav died. And then Ida died. All of them died, Doctor... and suddenly the whole house was empty.”
“Don’t think about it now.”
“Is this one so very small?”
“He is a normal child.”
“But small?”
“He is a little small, perhaps. But the small ones are often a lot tougher than the big ones. Just imagine, Frau Hitler, this time next year he will be almost learning how to walk. Isn’t that a lovely thought?”
She didn’t answer this.
“And two years from now he will probably be talking his head off and driving you crazy with his chatter. Have you settled on a name for him yet?”
“A name?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure. I think my husband said that if it was a boy we were going to call him Adolfus.”
“That means he would be called Adolf.”
“Yes. My husband likes Adolf because it has a certain similarity to Alois. My husband is called Alois.”
“Excellent.”
“Oh no!” she cried, starting up suddenly from the pillow. “That’s the same question they asked me when Otto was born! It means he is going to die! You are going to baptize him at once!”
“Now, now,” the doctor said, taking her gently by the shoulders. “You are quite wrong. I promise you you are wrong. I was simply being an inquisitive old man, that is all. I love talking about names. I think Adolfus is a particularly fine name. It is one of my favourites. And look-here he comes now.”
The innkeeper’s wife, carrying the baby high up on her enormous bosom, came sailing across the room towards the bed, “Here is the little beauty!” she cried, beaming. “Would you like to hold him, my dear? Shall I put him beside you?”
“Is he well wrapped?” the doctor asked. “It is extremely cold in here.”
“Certainly he is well wrapped.”
The baby was tightly swaddled in a white woollen shawl, and only the tiny pink head protruded. The innkeeper’s wife placed him gently on the bed beside the mother. “There you are,” she said. “Now you can lie there and look at him to your heart’s content.”
“I think you will like him,” the doctor said, smiling. “He is a fine little baby.”
“He has the most lovely hands!” the innkeeper’s wife exclaimed. “Such long delicate fingers!”
The mother didn’t move. She didn’t even turn her head to look.
“Go on!” cried the innkeeper’s wife. “He won’t bite you!”
“I am frightened to look. I don’t dare to believe that I have another baby and that he is all right.” “Don’t be so stupid.”
Slowly, the mother turned her head and looked at the small, incredibly serene face that lay on the pillow beside her.
“Is this my baby?”
“Of course.”
“Oh... , oh... but he is beautiful.”
The doctor turned away and went over to the table and began putting his things into his bag. The mother lay on the bed gazing at the child and smiling and touching him and making little noises of pleasure. “Hello, Adolfus,” she whispered. “Hello, my little Adolf.”
“Ssshh!” said the innkeeper’s wife. “Listen! I think your husband is coming.”
The doctor walked over to the door and opened it and looked out into the corridor.
“Herr Hitler?”
“Yes.”
“Come in, please.”
A small man in a dark-green uniform stepped softly into the room and looked around him.
“Congratulations,” the doctor said. “You have a son.”
The man had a pair of enormous whiskers meticulously groomed after the manner of the Emperor Franz Josef, and he smelled strongly of beer. “A son?”
“Yes.”
“How is he?”
“He is fine. So is your wife.”
“Good,” The father turned and walked with a curious little prancing stride over to the bed where his wife was lying. “Well, Klara,” he said, smiling through his whiskers. “How did it go?” He bent down to take a look at the baby. Then he bent lower. In a series of quick jerky movements, he bent lower and lower until his face was only about twelve inches from the baby’s head. The wife lay sideways on the pillow, staring up at him with a kind of supplicating look.
“He has the most marvellous pair of lungs,” the innkeeper’s wife announced. “You should have heard him screaming just after he came into this world.”
“But my God, Klara... ”
“What is it, dear?”
“This one is even smaller than Otto was!”
The doctor took a couple of quick paces forward. “There is nothing wrong with that child,” he said.
Slowly, the husband straightened up and turned away from the bed and looked at the doctor. He seemed bewildered and stricken. “It’s no good lying, Doctor,” he said. “I know what it means. It’s going to be the same all over again.”
“Now you listen to me,” the doctor said.
“But do you know what happened to the others, Doctor?”
“You must forget about the others, Herr Hitler. Give this one a chance.”
“But so small and weak!”
“My dear sir, he has only just been born.”
“Even so... ”
“What are you trying to do?” cried the innkeeper’s wife. “Talk him into his grave?”
“That’s enough!” the doctor said sharply.
The mother was weeping now. Great sobs were shaking her body.
The doctor walked over to the husband and put a hand on his shoulder. “Be good to her,” he whispered. “Please. It is very important.” Then he squeezed the husband’s shoulder hard and began pushing him forward surreptitiously to the edge of the bed. The husband hesitated. The doctor squeezed harder, signalling to him urgently through fingers and thumb. At last, reluctantly, the husband bent down and kissed his wife lightly on the cheek.
“All right, Klara,” he said. “Now stop crying.”
“I have prayed so hard that he will live, Alois.”
“Yes.”
“Every day for months I have gone to the church and begged on my knees that this one will be allowed to live.”
“Yes, Klara, I know.”
“Three dead children is all that I can stand, don’t you realize that?”
“Of course.” “He must live, Alois. He must, he must... Oh God, be merciful unto him now... ”
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
ROARING 20'S
this is my roaring, roaring 20's
I don't even know me
roll me like a blunt 'cos I wanna go home
I have unpacked my luggage after our trip to Japan. It was a lovely summer vacation, we experienced many things together and we ate a lot of good food. Ten days next to someone is a long time to spend, or maybe it seems that way to me, 'cos I've never been in a proper relationship and I've never lived with anyone with the exception of my family. Lucas and I spent quite a bit of time talking. We talked about why we wanted the things we want in life. Sometimes I think relationships could turn out like a quadratic graph, and once you have reached the maximum value of the curve, you can only go downwards. Conversely, perhaps once you have reached the minimum value, you can only go upwards. If it's a good relationship, maybe it's more like a sine curve with ups and downs, instead of a quadratic function. I don't know, I'm just a 29-year-old girl who regularly talks to myself, what do I actually know??? I was reminded of when I was friends with Khalis, whom I sort of used to date, ish. At one point of time in our friendship before we just lost contact because of life, he said his girlfriend at the time didn't like him being friends with me, even though I had never met her and I never made a move on him once he had a girlfriend. At another point of time, he told me that I reminded him of the agape definition of love, which in common terms means I have a love for everyone. I don't know where this is going. I'm in the midst of taking out a bank loan for my studies in New York. I am very excited to be doing women, gender and sexuality studies in one of the most sexually liberal places in the world. I think one of the hardest things to reconcile in my life is the fact that my mother is religious and regularly in denial, like when I was leaving for Japan with Lucas, my mom asked me to "respect myself and the relationship", which means she honestly had high hopes that I wouldn't be physically intimate with him. In contrast, I believe the women (and hopefully men) in my course will be much more in tune with talking about sex openly, engaging in and encouraging it healthily, as well as fostering difficult conversations in regard to intersections of race and sex. While I'm moving to New York, Lucas is also planning to move there with his career, and I think the general plan is for us to move in together. However, I also think that this Asian (or at least Singaporean) thing of moving out of your parents' place right into your marital home doesn't allow for much independence in between. I think, at 29, I have the emotional maturity and independence of a much younger person in say, the US or Australia. I want to be able to live by myself and explore the person I am, and my own life, at least before I settle down. I don't know where I'm going with this, it's like life has just begun for me, and I don't want to think of it in terms of being me with respect to Lucas, I want to be a separate and independent entity. Don't get me wrong, I love Lucas very much. I look into his crystal blue eyes and think of when a guy at Naoshima told Lucas he had beautiful eyes, and I encouraged the flirtation between both of them by telling the Japanese guy (honestly) that Lucas thought he was cute. I love it when I'm the person rubbing sunscreen onto Lucas' sunburned neck and shoulders. I love giving him a foot massage that simultaneously relieves his foot pain and also tickles him, so that he's torn between wriggling and keeping still to enjoy the massage. Lucas is amazing, politically aligned with me, is soft and sweet and affectionate, he's intelligent and smart, he makes me laugh and I make him laugh, we're great together. And yet. And yet I still don't know where this is going. I feel like I haven't had the time that some people have had, to find out who I really am.
Tuesday, August 6, 2019
FLORENCE + THE MACHINE
It's my last night in Tokyo, with Lucas. Travelling with a partner is very different from what I'm used to. I used to couchsurf and make friends easily, but different phases of life call for different experiences. This place holds a lot of memories. My sharp memory has always been a double-edged sword, I remember all the details and forget none. When Joey was here, he sent me photos of a patchwork doll he saw in a park. Adam had a half-Japanese girlfriend, he introduced me to Terrace House and I still continue to watch it and think of him, and Bennett was extremely excited when he told me he'd found the exact same ramen in Brooklyn that he'd had in Japan. I am happy now, though, so I look back and I thank every person for having gotten me to this point of happiness in my life. On this trip, Lucas and I have each had some bowel movement problems. My period started yesterday, and I usually have a bit of the runs when my period cramps are bad. Last night in bed, Lucas asked when my worst menstrual period had been, and I told him about the time in May/June last year. I usually know my period cramps can get terribly painful, but this one time, they still managed to surprise me. Even though I was on my off day, wearing a comfortable sweater and having eaten a full meal of pasta and drank a mug of hot chocolate during a premium cinema experience, I still could not get through the entire movie, so I went to the nearest public restroom. In the toilet, the cramps were so bad and I had absolutely no energy to go get painkillers, despite the full meal, so I lay down on the cubicle floor clutching at my stomach for two hours waiting for the pain to subside. Lucas has no sisters and he doesn't have the best relationship with his mother, so I told him what I have experienced and seen as a woman, and maybe as a woman having grown up in Asia. Due to the fact that for much of history until recently, medicine as an industry has been dominated by men, sometimes male doctors misdiagnose and underdiagnose symptoms and conditions faced by women, right. The fact is, sometimes periods can hurt as much as a heart attack, and they can actually take a toll on the mental and physical wellness of a woman/anyone with a period. So, anyway, I told Lucas that sometimes extremely painful periods are caused by strange, abnormal things like the fallopian tubes being twisted or in the wrong positions or any such thing, and sometimes I wonder if that's what's happening in my body because I don't believe period pains should be so excruciating. Having listened to me describe the things that could be wrong with a reproductive system, Lucas turned away and said he was queasy 'cos he couldn't handle the thought of blood. This man!!!!! White men are the most fragile!!!!!!!! Anyway, we went through mishaps in Nikko because we wanted to see a waterfall, but we kept missing the bus schedules and whatever, but even though I was tired as fuck, we were both deliriously making each other laugh, and as I started off in this post, travelling with someone is massively different than travelling by yourself. I wanted to stay angry when things didn't go my way, but he made me laugh against my will, and anyway Lucas is out of the shower, we are heading to Kyoto tomorrow, travelling with the love of your life is gr8, 372163/10 I absolutely recommend and I hope you find the love of your life okbye. I might write a little bit better when I get home or when Lucas isn't looking over my shoulder, I would not live here because it is extremely homogeneous and they are not used to seeing a dark-skinned person and every time I feel like they're looking at me, I can't tell if it's my outfit or it's because they're not used to seeing a brown person!!!!!!! All photos and superfluous captions are here.
Saturday, July 13, 2019
JUST ADD WATER
I spent some time with one of the people from work I'm closer to, Kyrene, and we talked about what we both thought of love. She said she doesn't really think romantic love exists, more of a convenient justification for people to marry one person and procreate/copulate. I am inclined to agree, I'm not sure I can see myself committing to one single person for a lifetime, and then we both read an article in which science says love doesn't exist. I told Lucas about the conversation I'd had with Kyrene. He knows, as it stands, that I don't even really know what love means, or I have a warped idea of it. The fact is I saw my parents in a turbulent relationship. While fighting, one parent would ask me to throw away something the other had bought for them as a gift, the other would tell me not to. Whichever side I picked, I would still be wrong and one would still end up angry at me. The next thing I knew, they would tell me they loved each other and loved me. So now I have to keep unlearning what I've been taught love was. I have to tell myself that drama does not mean love. I have to re-parent and teach myself that I do not have to love a distant/avoidant partner, one that I have to work and plead to receive attention from. Lucas knows all this, and we speak about all this, and he read yesterday's post and we talked about it and how it affected him. He said, of my conversation with Kyrene, that he's known for a long time that what we know as romantic love are just chemical reactions in the brain, mostly to perpetuate the human race and all that jazz. He said, still, that he knows he loves me, because he and I want the same things, that we believe and work for the same things, that he's always wanted a partner he could talk to like a friend. We sang karaoke, just Lucas and I. We are both not the greatest singers. In fact, that's being very nice to our egos. Neither of us sings well, but enclosed in a tiny space, we listened to each other's warbling voices. When I am at his place, we play Taboo and we have our own inside jokes, like all couples do. I don't claim to know what love is, most of the time I don't know what it is, but whatever I feel for Lucas, it is strong enough to keep me safe and protected for a long, long time, I hope.
Friday, July 12, 2019
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Hello, how are you? Did you get that promotion you were working so hard for? I hope you've met someone new. Sometimes when I'm in a car I wind down the window and it feels like that summer. Hello, how are you? You finally started that band you've always wanted to, and it looks way cool. I'm so proud of you, and I hope you receive that token from your parents. Hello, how are you? I wonder if you know every time someone talks about horoscopes I think about you and how much you knew about them, you said you had to know something well, before you could hate it and rebutt it. Hello, how are you? I will always have fond memories and a special place in my heart for you, telling me about the @midtownuniform account and when we laughed together at such Chads in Manhattan. Hello, how are you? I have loved and missed you all and sometimes I wonder if your ghosts will all stay with me even as I collect more memories with the love of my life.
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
PANDORA'S BOX
I just finished reading Inheritance by Balli Kaur Jaswal. I don't know why Lucas recommended it to me so strongly and he even got me my copy of it. He kept saying I would be able to see how much the writer seemingly hates Singapore, which is apparent through the different characters' rants about it. As I read it, I completely related with many of the viewpoints of the "East" versus "West" that has always seemed to plague us. I also wonder if Lucas actually subconsciously meant for me to pick up on the mental health issues in the book.
When I first read the chapters introducing the protagonists, I started to feel confused and dizzy. It felt very intense, but in a way I'd never really felt, regardless of the book I was reading. So one of the characters has bipolar disorder, and she doesn't get diagnosed with it until she's close to thirty, and her family being a traditional Punjabi family pre-millennium, have never heard of bipolar disorder either, and they don't deal with it very well at all.
As I read Inheritance, I kept feeling discomfort. I must say it was written very well because I wanted to keep reading it, but it struck my raw nerves. I imagine that it must be like when I read a novel about someone struggling with sexuality issues and I enjoy reading about how eloquently it's written and communicated, but could and would never feel the pain that an LGBT reader would feel reading it.
I kept crying at the end of Inheritance, especially because she writes that in this case in particular, it was genetically inherited, and the father who didn't raise any of his children all that well, also has bipolar disorder, or at least a serious enough mental illness.
My sister has depression, and my father, I think he has bipolar disorder, or at least he has also been diagnosed by the institute of mental health in Singapore. Every time I think of all the things I abhor that he's done, I wonder if any of that could have been contributed by his mental illness.
I also know I have a tendency towards mental instability. I remember things I wrote, about Joey, or Bennett, or whomever the subject was. Some things I cringe about, and some things I feel outrightly embarrassed by. I remember one instance in which I blacked out, I don't remember what happened in a block of 24 hours, and I have a female anatomy, so anything could have happened to me in that time period.
It worries me, and it saddens me. Most days I function as normally as any person would, but it takes a lot of energy. Any day that passes without event is a day I subconsciously give thanks for, that I got through without constant monitoring, or medication.
There are things about me that are always at odds with myself. Sometimes I think, people are right, I shouldn't write about everything. It will live online forever, and I will only embarrass myself by it. On other days, I tell myself, the people in Singapore are used to a cookie-cutter, squeaky-clean impression of life. There are not many people who may find support or even relateable anecdotes of someone with shaky mental health. I want to tell you that I exist.
I smile and laugh a lot, but a lot of the time, that is not how I feel. On many days, for many hours, I think the human population is too stupid and it will be left behind. I think humanity has no hope to deal with climate change because everyone has their heads in the sand, like ostriches. I think in this day and age, if you're not depressed, there must be something wrong with you. I think things like this, and it worries me, because I know part of me isolating myself and putting myself on a different level, is definitely my mental stability.
My biggest fear is that I'm legitimately crazy and that I'm too much to handle. I'm scared Lucas will stop loving me because I will say something in a moment of psychosis or paranoia. I'm scared I will never be able to make something of my life, because I'm cuckoo. I really want to be able to do something in spite of this.
When I first read the chapters introducing the protagonists, I started to feel confused and dizzy. It felt very intense, but in a way I'd never really felt, regardless of the book I was reading. So one of the characters has bipolar disorder, and she doesn't get diagnosed with it until she's close to thirty, and her family being a traditional Punjabi family pre-millennium, have never heard of bipolar disorder either, and they don't deal with it very well at all.
As I read Inheritance, I kept feeling discomfort. I must say it was written very well because I wanted to keep reading it, but it struck my raw nerves. I imagine that it must be like when I read a novel about someone struggling with sexuality issues and I enjoy reading about how eloquently it's written and communicated, but could and would never feel the pain that an LGBT reader would feel reading it.
I kept crying at the end of Inheritance, especially because she writes that in this case in particular, it was genetically inherited, and the father who didn't raise any of his children all that well, also has bipolar disorder, or at least a serious enough mental illness.
My sister has depression, and my father, I think he has bipolar disorder, or at least he has also been diagnosed by the institute of mental health in Singapore. Every time I think of all the things I abhor that he's done, I wonder if any of that could have been contributed by his mental illness.
I also know I have a tendency towards mental instability. I remember things I wrote, about Joey, or Bennett, or whomever the subject was. Some things I cringe about, and some things I feel outrightly embarrassed by. I remember one instance in which I blacked out, I don't remember what happened in a block of 24 hours, and I have a female anatomy, so anything could have happened to me in that time period.
It worries me, and it saddens me. Most days I function as normally as any person would, but it takes a lot of energy. Any day that passes without event is a day I subconsciously give thanks for, that I got through without constant monitoring, or medication.
There are things about me that are always at odds with myself. Sometimes I think, people are right, I shouldn't write about everything. It will live online forever, and I will only embarrass myself by it. On other days, I tell myself, the people in Singapore are used to a cookie-cutter, squeaky-clean impression of life. There are not many people who may find support or even relateable anecdotes of someone with shaky mental health. I want to tell you that I exist.
I smile and laugh a lot, but a lot of the time, that is not how I feel. On many days, for many hours, I think the human population is too stupid and it will be left behind. I think humanity has no hope to deal with climate change because everyone has their heads in the sand, like ostriches. I think in this day and age, if you're not depressed, there must be something wrong with you. I think things like this, and it worries me, because I know part of me isolating myself and putting myself on a different level, is definitely my mental stability.
My biggest fear is that I'm legitimately crazy and that I'm too much to handle. I'm scared Lucas will stop loving me because I will say something in a moment of psychosis or paranoia. I'm scared I will never be able to make something of my life, because I'm cuckoo. I really want to be able to do something in spite of this.
Monday, July 8, 2019
NATASHA BEDINGFIELD
It is the third day of my period and this is already my third period I've had since being in a relationship with Lucas. My cramps are still constant, but Lucas has been taking care of me with a rubber waterbottle filled with hot water, and now I have some sanitary products at his place. There is already more color in his room since we got together, there's something pink of mine hanging on his clothes rack, there is the purple Taboo game we were playing. We are still getting to know each other, and hopefully I speak for both of us when I say we both love what we discover each day. I really hope everybody who wants this, finds this. I say everybody who wants this because I know it would be silly to assume this is what everyone's happiness is, some people are happy by themselves, or happiness to them is finding love or company in different people, and that's cool for them. We've booked our airbnb for the upcoming trip to New York, it's actually a train ride across in Jersey, but if I do get in school, we will be living in one of the boroughs, so there is no hurry. I'm very nervous just even thinking about going to school, I would be one of the first two people in my extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins to be studying overseas. The first one went to Australia, and I will be more than twice the distance and time away.
Sunday, June 30, 2019
JOLLIBEE
On days I need a little bit of a perk-me-up, I talk to Tina, or Irene, who are both at least half-Asian, and have faced their share of racial intersectional issues, and who both now reside in the US. I think generally people, whether from work, or the ones I've met through my travel, or my family members or whatever, they just let me ramble on about my thoughts, and I'm like the train that never runs out of steam. I do, actually, really depend on people propping me up every now and then, because I'm a human bean, and I never know if the course I'm setting sail on is ever the right one, if there even is such a thing as a right one. It takes so much time and energy to keep resetting myself, as if I have a map and compass, to decide whether there are parts of myself and my past that I want to reconcile with my future, or to simply leave it all behind.
These are the things that have helped me through the past week.
Irene: I think it's so important to understand what's wrong with society in the country where we live and the difficulties in our own race in order to breakthrough and unlearn the toxic behaviors. It doesn't mean we don't love our background or our ethnicity, but it's also the best parts of ourselves that get hidden because people prescribe to tradition and convention and don't feel ready to confront reality.
What's good is that many Singaporeans younger than us, especially women, are more and more open and aware of these goings-on and feel bold to take it into their own hands to explore who they are and be against the Asian patriarchy. But it's also gonna take time for things to catch up there.
And yes, while over here the dialogue is more ahead than a lot of places in the world, there are still so many difficult issues going around here, which I'm sure you are aware of! But it definitely is somewhat better living somewhere urban and has much more open leanings that are people-centric and with a social justice understanding, ie. where you've already been like NYC. (But of course a lot of hidden political affiliations that some ppl don't wish to display)
It's a very Asian thing where if you are outspoken that they expect you to just keep your opinions to yourself and fall in line to maintain harmony. Difficult, man. Sometimes we gotta voice out things because it's the right thing to do.
Tina: I'm so sorry about your second friend. It's painful, but growing up and growing out of friendships is an unfortunate side effect to growing up in general. Different people for different stages.
Feminism is also SO relative and it's unfortunate when people fail to neglect that relativity. I've read your posts and you're very clear on the fact that you know your stance isn't like the majority of people around you. Like yessssss you're aware that your views are more US-centric (which is why you wanna move lmfao duh).
Feminism, racism, intersectionality means different things for different people especially when you put into context that everyone lives a different life with different needs.... but it's so upsetting and heartbreaking when friends warp your views against their own and make you out to be the bad guy when you're trying to communicate that relativity with critical reasoning and respect.
I'm sorry about your friend, but I'm so happy you've found solace and more in your partner. You're a radical romantic and you deserve this!
Lucas: For me the biggest culture shock is Singapore itself. Having lived and been in other Western countries (excluding Eastern Europe in my definition of Western) the US, while liberal in many places --- especially NY, is probably the least liberal of western countries but compared to Singapore it's still decades ahead. So I can't imagine how it would be coming from SG to somewhere where you can do so many things I take for granted.I'm in the midst of scheduling my CUNY admissions tests in August, and it will be nice to be able to wear just one layer or so in New York! Also, I will have to start studying soon.
Sunday, June 16, 2019
FAIRY LIGHTS
I just wanted to reiterate that Han was a very good best friend, and we were great friends for close to two decades. I will always feel fondly about those times. I realize that sometimes I synthesize fear and hurt as anger immediately, so it sounds like I feel vindictive about Han, but I'm not. I have written many angry things about maybe Joey, and about my mom and dad, and I think most of it was just because I feel/felt hurt and neglected, but I recognize the things they've done for me. I acknowledge that my mother raised me for 26 years before she eventually really made me feel unsafe, and 26 years is not a small amount of time. Despite acknowledging everything my mother has done for me to shape me into the person I am, I also do know that I can no longer live with her for the rest of my adult life. I feel slightly guilty because I know Han has been there for me through the past three years which were some of my toughest times, and I cannot be there for her when she needs me during her wedding this year, but I do hope before this, it's been a balanced friendship, and I did as much for her as a friend as she's done for me. I hope I provided solid covers when she needed them, I hope I provided company when she needed it, and I hope that neither of us is indebted to the other.
There are many people I know who might need or want to read this, even if some people I know might already understand what I'll be trying to put across. I'm not being personal, honestly, I think many people whom I'm even still talking to would still need to read this. They are people I work with, my family members, friends I know from previous social circles. I initially said a couple of blogposts ago that I didn't care enough to justify the things I said, but I figure if I'm eventually going to study women and gender issues, I must eventually write about things similar to these following ones, so I may as well get a little bit of practice, though this is in no way of academic standards. I read a lot about feminism and feminist issues, these are my interests and passions so obviously I read more about such theories than perhaps other people would have. I don't think it is my responsibility to always be educating everybody else, because for one, not everyone is up to being educated, for two, it takes a lot of emotional labor and sometimes I just want peace of mind, and for three, these articles and resources are readily available online and elsewhere, and if someone truly wanted to, they could Google phrases and terms without having to even speak with me.
A number of people, not just the friends I've mentioned in recent posts, took some issue (to different extents) with my caption about Lucas. If you've already forgotten it, I'll make it simpler by quoting it here:
In Singapore, it doesn't matter what race you are. I've heard parents of my female friends ask them to get married before sleeping over at their boyfriend's place or they would lose their worth. They could be Chinese, Indian, or Malay and this would happen. Mothers would say this, and fathers would say this, and what I'm trying to highlight with this is that not only men are sexist, women can also be complicit in sexism and misogyny. A woman's worth is dependent on how many men she's been with or if she's been with any man at all, but interestingly enough, nobody says this about their sons. Nobody tells their son not to sleep over at their girlfriend's place, because he doesn't lose any worth, but if they do have sex, then suddenly the woman is worthy of less respect in their eyes. In Malaysia, a Muslim man is still legally allowed to marry four women if he's financially, emotionally, mentally capable of treating them equally. Note that for people who practise Sharia law, they always use the qualification that when this was first in place, it was to ease the burdens of girls and women who were struggling and had lower social standings. So, instead of changing those impressions and the laws in place to ease the lives of women, it became defensible for a man to marry more women to help them instead. In China, the younger generation are still fighting against this notion of 'surplus women', which is when women reach their 30s and are still single, they're looked at as having less value because supposedly they couldn't find a man who's wanted to settle down with them, even if they're single by choice. Older women who are unmarried even face discrimination at their workplaces, because they're looked at as flawed. In India, marital rape is legal, or there is no law in place against marital rape. This means that if you are a married woman, your husband can have sex with you whenever he pleases, even without your consent.
I told a friend of mine that Lucas is bisexual, and the first thing they said was "has he gotten tested??" and I asked what for, to which the response was, "for AIDS!" I heard from a newly-made friend that during Eid festivities, her extended family was over at her place. An uncle of hers decided to show a clip of a gay couple being interviewed or something, to the family in the living room, with the sole purpose of mocking the gay couple. This is a clip that just exists somewhere in the world, not begging to be watched, yet this uncle-person brought it into the collective consciousness of his family so they could make fun of them. In the last week, I met two men who are not religious, but who had their spouses converted to Islam, just so that the men's parents would accept their marriages. Another friend said a man told her she was lesbian because it's just a phase, and she just needed to "try some dick".
When a few people read my caption about men in Southeast Asia embodying internalized misogyny and toxic masculinity, they said it was racist because it sounds like I think all Asian men have this problem, whereas I acknowledged myself that white men could be misogynists or they could not be, and it had nothing to do with their race. So, they were basically using #notallAsianmen on me. These friends of mine, they don't exist on online forums like I do, they are doing other important things like teaching the next generation of people or saving their lives, but here is what's wrong with #notallmen. Even if these female friends of mine have not experienced misogyny from the men they personally know, many countless women in Asia have. That's why I had a lot of agreement to my caption, even if it was supposed to be about my love for Lucas. Saying #notallAsianmen means you are again mollycoddling men's feelings, despite the fact that women in Asia have been oppressed and repressed for ages and ages, even if at the hands of other women. These stories I'm sharing aren't about men, they are about how women have experienced life at the hands of a patriarchal society. Here are links for further reading: 6 Reasons "Not All Men" Misses The Point, Because It's Derailing Important Conversations, Why Men Should Stop Saying #NotAllMen. Immediately., and A Response to the Not All Men Argument. I quote:
And now, I would like to share Mahirah's paper (edited very slightly for typos but not content). This has no relation to the rest of this post, I just read it recently and enjoyed it. She studies criminology, and is a Malay-Muslim, and I'm always very proud of her, so if you'd still like to think I have racist thinking, go ahead. I have no more words. She also wrote: Which groups in Singapore may be said to experience institutionalised racism and how does this influence their life chances? which you can find here.
There are many people I know who might need or want to read this, even if some people I know might already understand what I'll be trying to put across. I'm not being personal, honestly, I think many people whom I'm even still talking to would still need to read this. They are people I work with, my family members, friends I know from previous social circles. I initially said a couple of blogposts ago that I didn't care enough to justify the things I said, but I figure if I'm eventually going to study women and gender issues, I must eventually write about things similar to these following ones, so I may as well get a little bit of practice, though this is in no way of academic standards. I read a lot about feminism and feminist issues, these are my interests and passions so obviously I read more about such theories than perhaps other people would have. I don't think it is my responsibility to always be educating everybody else, because for one, not everyone is up to being educated, for two, it takes a lot of emotional labor and sometimes I just want peace of mind, and for three, these articles and resources are readily available online and elsewhere, and if someone truly wanted to, they could Google phrases and terms without having to even speak with me.
A number of people, not just the friends I've mentioned in recent posts, took some issue (to different extents) with my caption about Lucas. If you've already forgotten it, I'll make it simpler by quoting it here:
Men raised in Southeast Asia, particularly the communities I identify with, have internalized misogyny, and my peers have only very recently been taught to recognize it, let alone to unlearn such behaviors. I have not found a man my age who's gone for therapy, never been on a date with a local man who's acknowledged the privilege he carries. I've witnessed firsthand how toxic masculinity (but also systemic institutional racism) has driven the men among my loved ones to violence, to drink, to substance abuse, without ever considering that perhaps all these burdens could be lifted off their shoulders if they just spoke about their feelings, if they didn't depend on one singular woman as their therapist, best friend, lover and mother all in one.Some of them think the paragraph above is racist thinking, and here I come to defend it.
In Singapore, it doesn't matter what race you are. I've heard parents of my female friends ask them to get married before sleeping over at their boyfriend's place or they would lose their worth. They could be Chinese, Indian, or Malay and this would happen. Mothers would say this, and fathers would say this, and what I'm trying to highlight with this is that not only men are sexist, women can also be complicit in sexism and misogyny. A woman's worth is dependent on how many men she's been with or if she's been with any man at all, but interestingly enough, nobody says this about their sons. Nobody tells their son not to sleep over at their girlfriend's place, because he doesn't lose any worth, but if they do have sex, then suddenly the woman is worthy of less respect in their eyes. In Malaysia, a Muslim man is still legally allowed to marry four women if he's financially, emotionally, mentally capable of treating them equally. Note that for people who practise Sharia law, they always use the qualification that when this was first in place, it was to ease the burdens of girls and women who were struggling and had lower social standings. So, instead of changing those impressions and the laws in place to ease the lives of women, it became defensible for a man to marry more women to help them instead. In China, the younger generation are still fighting against this notion of 'surplus women', which is when women reach their 30s and are still single, they're looked at as having less value because supposedly they couldn't find a man who's wanted to settle down with them, even if they're single by choice. Older women who are unmarried even face discrimination at their workplaces, because they're looked at as flawed. In India, marital rape is legal, or there is no law in place against marital rape. This means that if you are a married woman, your husband can have sex with you whenever he pleases, even without your consent.
I told a friend of mine that Lucas is bisexual, and the first thing they said was "has he gotten tested??" and I asked what for, to which the response was, "for AIDS!" I heard from a newly-made friend that during Eid festivities, her extended family was over at her place. An uncle of hers decided to show a clip of a gay couple being interviewed or something, to the family in the living room, with the sole purpose of mocking the gay couple. This is a clip that just exists somewhere in the world, not begging to be watched, yet this uncle-person brought it into the collective consciousness of his family so they could make fun of them. In the last week, I met two men who are not religious, but who had their spouses converted to Islam, just so that the men's parents would accept their marriages. Another friend said a man told her she was lesbian because it's just a phase, and she just needed to "try some dick".
When a few people read my caption about men in Southeast Asia embodying internalized misogyny and toxic masculinity, they said it was racist because it sounds like I think all Asian men have this problem, whereas I acknowledged myself that white men could be misogynists or they could not be, and it had nothing to do with their race. So, they were basically using #notallAsianmen on me. These friends of mine, they don't exist on online forums like I do, they are doing other important things like teaching the next generation of people or saving their lives, but here is what's wrong with #notallmen. Even if these female friends of mine have not experienced misogyny from the men they personally know, many countless women in Asia have. That's why I had a lot of agreement to my caption, even if it was supposed to be about my love for Lucas. Saying #notallAsianmen means you are again mollycoddling men's feelings, despite the fact that women in Asia have been oppressed and repressed for ages and ages, even if at the hands of other women. These stories I'm sharing aren't about men, they are about how women have experienced life at the hands of a patriarchal society. Here are links for further reading: 6 Reasons "Not All Men" Misses The Point, Because It's Derailing Important Conversations, Why Men Should Stop Saying #NotAllMen. Immediately., and A Response to the Not All Men Argument. I quote:
Feminist motions to change the inferiority of women and femininity in the public and private sphere require the support of both sexes. Statements about men that relay personal incidents aren’t sexist. The current and long-standing power dynamics between men and women put men above women in society, more often allowing men a voice. When men avoid validating these stories, that only perpetuates the systematic oppression of women. It may be uncomfortable to read statements about men’s treatment of women and they may seem like generalizations, but if you’re truly not a sexist or misogynistic person, there should probably not be the resentment that comes with the indignant, “not all men are like that, I’m not!”Here is where I have a problem with Asian-raised men as opposed to white men, or even Asian society as opposed to Western society. I am a very opinionated woman, and I have called out the elders in my family, or the men in my family, despite this making me the black sheep. I don't think that being older makes you automatically wiser, and even if my cousins or aunts agree with me, nobody voices it except privately to me. The Asian family unit depends strongly on hierarchy. Just because I exist, and people like me exist, it doesn't mean the problem is somehow gone. It means we've just struggled through very difficult situations. Remember the men I said who had their partners convert just for the sake of pleasing their parents? That's unfortunately still the common reality in Singapore. Asians are not comfortable with calling out other people or being called out, they'd rather pretend everything is a-okay, until the cows come home. I recently told a friend at work a guy was cute, and she said he looked like a nerd, and I told her nerds are the best, because they're willing to learn. I'm sure there are good, non-problematic men in Asia, of course I do, I have cousins and friends married to great men, but unless and until these men can accept and acknowledge that an overwhelmingly misogynistic society exists in Asia, and they can call out other men, whether it's their brother/father/friend/son, or even the women in their lives, the mothers/daughters/sisters, and until men can feel comfortable with letting the conversation be about the problems that women face, instead of about men and their feelings (pertaining to patriarchy and misogyny), the society will never change. This is the major difference, that the Western world recognizes problems and call each other out on it, so that everybody can learn and change. We need to accept that a part of call-out culture is healthy for progress, because if we don't change society now, there is simply no time left before climate change.
And now, I would like to share Mahirah's paper (edited very slightly for typos but not content). This has no relation to the rest of this post, I just read it recently and enjoyed it. She studies criminology, and is a Malay-Muslim, and I'm always very proud of her, so if you'd still like to think I have racist thinking, go ahead. I have no more words. She also wrote: Which groups in Singapore may be said to experience institutionalised racism and how does this influence their life chances? which you can find here.
Why is it so difficult to imagine a society without prison?
Introduction
During the pre-enlightenment era, society utilised public executions and corporal punishments in order to assert social control (Foucault, 1995). In his book Discipline and Punish, Foucault introduced the gory imagery of capital punishment and juxtaposed this with the conception of the prison as the more advanced and seemingly ‘humane’ method of punishment (Foucault, 1995, p.231). This paper understands prisons as its broad definition of institutions that legally hold convicted offenders and are instruments for society to prevent and control crime (MacCormick, 1950). With cognisance that societies are contextual and ever-changing, this paper will refer to society as the modern-day society in this 21st century, and unless geographically-specified, the global society as a collective. Placing imprisonment in the international context will allow for a wider understanding of the phenomena across geographical locations.
Every country has its own penal system which is based off the country’s collective cultures, values and belief systems. However, prisons are omnipresent in every country’s legal system albeit in different forms and structures. This essay builds upon Foucault’s claims that it is almost impossible to abolish prisons due to the “carceral network” that infiltrates throughout society. The carceral network is the prevalence of prisons in every aspect of society such that it normalises and legalises the prison as a punitive measure (Foucault, 1995). This essay posits that the reason why it is so difficult to think of a society without prison is because the concept of prison is deeply embedded in the cultural, economic and political realms of society. This will be shown through (1) Penal culture, (2) Prison and popular culture, (3) Prisons in economic and political spheres.
Prisons’ Infiltration in Society
1. Penal culture
Penal culture is defined by both “the law, policy and practices” which informs the use of prison as a form of social control, and also the “broad system of meanings, beliefs, ideas and symbols” which shapes people’s perceptions of prison and the meanings that they attach to it (Cunneen, 2013, p.2). The use of imprisonment as a response to crime and social disorder is increasing rapidly around the world- with the global prison population now well over 10 million (Jacobson, Heard and Fair, 2017). The concept of prison has become so synonymous with punishment (Melossi and Pavarini, 1981) that it has made it difficult to imagine a society without prison. In this section, this paper will elucidate the existing penal culture in relation to the ways prison is perceived to control crime by society.
In order to control crime, penal culture sees deterrence as an important role of imprisonment as punishment. The rationale behind the concept of deterrence was introduced by early classical thinkers like Jeremy Bentham and Cesare Beccaria (Moran, Wright and Decker, 1996). According to the utilitarian calculus behind rational choice theory, individuals would rationally calculate whether the pains of punishment outweigh the pleasure of ‘crime’ (Moran, Wright and Decker, 1996). Hence, under this utilitarian calculus, imprisonment is an effective deterrent to crime insofar as it brings greater pain to the individual than the gains of committing the crime. In a speech regarding prison reform, the Justice Secretary of the United Kingdom mentioned that “prison deprives offenders of their liberty and certain freedoms enjoyed by the rest of society and acts as a deterrent” (Ministry of Justice, 2018). Deterrence is also mentioned as an aim of punishment in the functions of various prisons (Singapore Prison Service, 2019; National Institute of Justice, 2016). Prisons are built to deter crimes, with its functions propagated by prison institutions and government officials.
Another aspect of penal culture that cements the need for prisons is the idea that prisons rehabilitate offenders. In this notion, prisons are seen as instrumental in turning offenders into law-abiding citizens. In Singapore, the Singapore Prisons Service prides themselves with the mission to “...enforce secure custody of offenders and rehabilitate them, for a safe Singapore”, (Singapore Prisons Service, 2019). In Chua’s book, The Making of Captain of Lives, he narrates how he transformed Singapore’s prison system, from being overpopulated and rooted in punitive measures to seeing a steady decline in the prison population due to the shift towards a rehabilitative approach (Chua, 2012). In Australia, prisons serve the same rehabilitative purpose by providing educational, vocational and reintegrative programmes for inmates (Heseltine and Day, 2017). Prisons are seen to be crucial into turning offenders into ‘good’ citizens.
Prisons serve to incapacitate offenders as well. Jeremy Bentham places incapacitation along utilitarian lines. He reasons that incapacitation is a suffering that is justifiable insofar as it reduces future crimes from the imprisoned offender (Zimring and Hawkins, 1995). This sentiment is shared with Bauman (2000) who explains that the rising prison population reflects society’s need to take the offender away from society so that they will no longer be able to harm the public. The basis of incapacitation is to protect society from violent or corrupt individuals. If prisons were non-existent, how else would society protect itself from sexual or violent offenders?
Penal culture also consists of society’s beliefs that there is a need to punish those who have transgressed the law (Bauman, 2000). Durkheim introduces the idea of “collective conscience”, in which it is society’s moral values which are deemed to be sacred (Garland, 1991, p.122). Violations of the law is seen to be an act of violation against society’s “collective conscience”, which inevitably invokes “moral outrage and a desire for vengeance” from society (Garland, 1991). Imprisonment meets the retributive aim of punishment in the eyes of society as it punishes those who go against society’s collective moral conscience. Penal culture sees prison as instrumental in controlling crime with its functions of deterrence, rehabilitation, incapacitation and retribution. However, scholars and criminologists contend the effectiveness of the prison. Academics have argued that prisons do not sufficiently deter crime (Scott and Codd, 2010). Contemporary academic discourses are shifting away from the utilitarian view of rational choice theory, positing that there are multiple factors that can predispose an individual to criminality and not all offenders are “rational utility maximizers” (Saunders and Billante, 2003, p.4). Scott (2013) posits that the notion of rehabilitation in prisons is deterministic and focuses too much on the pathologies found in individuals and/or society. Prison abolitionists like Davis (2012) believe that prisons mostly incapacitate those who are marginalized from society and in doing so, reproduce and maintain social and economic inequalities. These social and economic inequalities are evident as majority of prison inmates in the United States are from “lower working-class, black and minority ethnicity, migrant and foreign national lawbreakers” (Scott, 2013, p.14).
However, this paper contends that despite their arguments, the reality is that prisons around the world still function on the basis of deterring crime, rehabilitating and incapacitating offenders. It is difficult for society to imagine a world without prisons as today’s penal culture is insistent that prisons are the answer to controlling crime and order in society.
2. Prisons in Popular Culture
Prison is deeply embedded in the society of today’s popular culture. Although a contested term, this paper understands popular culture as the “culture of the people” (Brummett, 2006, p.4). This encompasses but is not limited to, a dominant set of beliefs, values, practices and tangible artefacts that reflect the majority of a given society. Popular culture is simultaneously a product of and informs the mass media. In this section, this paper will explain how the concept of prison has permeated into the popular culture of today’s society through media and penal tourism, such that it has become an irrefutable symbol of punishment. Consequently, how the representation of prison in popular culture misinforms society on the realities of prison.
It is hard to think of a society without prison when the concept of prison as a viable form of punishment has been indoctrinated through various mediums of popular culture. In the media, there is a fascination with glamourizing prison and prison life. Shawshank Redemption, a movie that revolves around two imprisoned men is one of the most popular films of its genre, gaining multiple awards and nominations (IMDB, 2019). In 2013, over 18,000 people visited Ohio Reformatory and other film sites of Shawshank Redemption (Shulz, 2014), clearly showing the impact the film had on the public. Netflix’s Orange is the New Black, an Internet series showcasing life and day-to-day drama in a women’s federal prison, was Netflix’s most watched original TV series of its time (Denham, 2016). Media representation of prison is crucial in shaping the opinions of the public towards prison (Brown, 2013). Although media representation of prison is not depicted to be a flawless and incorruptible institution, there are recurring themes that the characters face life-changing experiences in prison, which insinuates that the prison is central to the character development of these characters. Despite prison films depicting the need for prison reform, the message that prison is a social necessity is clear. With the general acceptance of prison as a functional aspect of society as depicted in the media, this consequently makes it harder for society to contemplate the notion of prison abolishment.
Another aspect of popular culture that which reinforces legitimacy of the prison lies in penal tourism. According to Brown (2013), thousands of people embark on commercialized defunct prison tours annually. Former prisons refurbished as museums serve to educate the public on the historical aspects of the construction and need for prisons. Welch narrates that penal tourism is an instrument for the social construction of the “dream of order” (2015, p.92). The dream of order is defined as the notions of punishment that are mandated in order to maintain society (Welch, 2015). This is illustrated through penal museums that educate the public on the ideals of order which shaped society as it is today (Welch, 2015). Taking a look at the Argentine Penitentiary Museum, Welch found that it is used by state officials as a means to convey a certain narrative about “Argentine penology and state making” (2015, p. 33). This was done so by highlighting aspects of penal reform that shows the Argentine state as benevolent and withdrawing information that could potentially stain the state’s reputation (Welch, 2015). Welch (2015) concludes that penitentiary museums promote legitimacy of the state and the ways in which it has used punitive measures in order to protect and maintain society. Museums are widely accepted by the public as a legitimate social authority and hence, the cultural transmissions and messages that they portray are likely to be unquestioned by visitors (Welch, 2015). Therefore, if institutions like museums convey messages of prison legitimacy, society would be receptive to the notion of prison as a form of social control as it has successfully done so throughout the course of history.
Hence, media and penal tourism are elements of popular culture that inform and shape society’s perceptions of prison. It is difficult to think of a society without prisons when its importance and impact on society are propagated through popular culture. If society has been indoctrinated through various mediums of the legitimacy of the prison institution, it would then make it difficult to imagine alternative ways of punishment and how society would function without prisons.
3. Prisons in Economic and Political Spheres
The previous sections have shown how prisons have permeated society through the prevalence of penal culture and the image of prisons in popular culture. This section will show how prisons have permeated the economic and political spheres of society. With the global prison population seeing a 24% increase since the year 2000 (Walmsley, 2018), this paper suggests that this rising of the prison population is partly due to the popularity of both penal populism and the privatisation of prisons resulting in the commodification of prisons (Scott, 2013).
In the past three decades, there has been a global shift towards increased incarceration rates and policies that promote harsher punishments for offenders (Fenwick, 2013). This punitive discourse on crime control is echoed through western societies like the United Kingdom (UK), and the United States (US) and even Southeast Asian societies like Japan (Fernwick, 2013; Pratt, 2007). Penal populism can be described as the public’s general anxieties towards the prevalence of criminal activities in society and how the current criminal justice systems are in dire need of reform (Pratt, 2007). Penal populism is also a political discourse in which the political elites wax lyrical on criminal justice reformations and the need to be tougher on crime therefore pandering to the public’s anxieties towards crime and social disorder (Fernwick, 2013). Similarly, Roberts suggest that it is “a set of penal policies designed to win votes rather than to reduce crime or to promote justice” (2002, p.5).
Penal populism is a discourse that politicians often engage in to win over the votes of the public. Pratt (2007) suggests that then US president Clinton paved the way for electoral success based on penal populism. Clinton spearheaded the Democrats to presidential victory in the US by championing a campaign that promoted the death penalty and mass incarceration (Pratt, 2007). In the year 2001, the UK’s then New Labour party held the motto ‘tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime’, which proved to be effective as they managed to achieve electoral success that year (Newburn and Jones, 2005). Politicians in New Zealand emerged victorious as well when they applied a similar motto for their political campaigns (Pratt and Clarke, 2005). In Japan, the waning of the public’s confidence in their criminal justice system was one of the antecedents to the introduction of greater public involvement in the criminal justice sector (Fernwick, 2013). Emerging political opponents gave emotive arguments on the demand for justice and harsher punishments, using tones of alarm and anxiety, which eventually won over the public (Fernwick, 2013). The pattern is clear across geographical locations, that politicians exploit the anxieties of the public towards crime and disorder to push their own political agendas.
Penal populism has caused the demonisation of criminals, resulting in the legitimisation of harsh punitive policies. Clinton mandated the ‘Three Strikes and You’re Out’ policy that places recidivist offenders in life imprisonment (Pratt, 2007). In Britain, political rhetoric of the Conservatives saw the prison as a site for social exclusion for deserving individuals who are seen to be “immoral” (Scott, 2013, p.49). In New Zealand, public sentiment managed to convince politicians to reform the 2002 Sentencing Act to impose stricter punishments, one of which are long and often indefinite prison charges for sexual and violent crime offenders (Pratt and Clark, 2005). In England and New Zealand, where penal populism was most effective, England saw its prison population rate “rate increased from 88 per 100,000 of population in 1992 to 145 in 2006” while the latter country saw an increase, “… from 128 in 1995 to 189 in 2006” (Pratt, 2007, p.23). Although situated in different geographical locations, there is a similar template that can be derived from the above examples of the effects of penal populism- that the public generally feels that there is a need for more punitive measures and there is a dissatisfaction with their current criminal justice systems, hence allowing politicians to tap on their anxieties to pursue their electoral interests. In each of these scenarios, the exacerbated use of prison as punishment seems to be the only way to satiate the public’s need for harsher punitive policies.
Prison has been so ingrained in the economical realms of society such that it has become an aspect of economic life (Levin, 2014). Levin (2014) explains that the normalisation of prison as a commodity was symbolised by the Belgian-Dutch exchange. In 2009, 500 Belgian prisoners were sent to Dutch prisons in exchange for an annual payment of £26 million (Levin, 2014). This Belgian-Dutch was beneficial for both nations as Belgium could not accommodate its growing prison population whereas the Netherlands had plenty of prison space that were left vacant (Levin, 2014). Although it may seem to be a justifiable deal as it is in the interest of both nations, the inmates’ rights were left neglected. Levin (2014) observed that the well-being of the inmates was not recorded and being sent to a Dutch prison would make them vulnerable and incapable of reporting abuse. The privatisation of prisons is when private corporations are in-charge and provide prison services when it is supposed to be a public sector responsibility (Levin, 2014). This has led to the commodification of prisons and exploitation of labour of inmates as a source of profit (Levin, 2014). According to Thompson, inmates are a lucrative source of cheap labour for corporations to exploit, especially in the midst of an economic downturn (Thompson, 2012). Thompson (2012) also suggests that Americans think that prison labour is economically beneficial for society. Privatisation of prisons occurs in places like the UK, Australia, Mexico and South Africa. Private sectors are increasingly managing prisons to meet the demand of the increasing prison population (Allen and English, 2013). However, the nature of for-profit prisons disincentivises proper funding for the well-being and rehabilitation of inmates to cut costs. Private prisons are often insufficiently equipped and are breeding grounds for abuse of inmates (Thompson, 2012). Furthermore, Appleman (2018) suggests the nature of forced labour on inmates is reminiscent of the practices of forced work imposed upon slaves before slavery was abolished, especially since the racial makeup of private prisons in the US are mostly of minority races.
In politics, politicians often exploit the anxieties of the public by promoting punitive policies. These punitive policies utilise prisons as the most vital and in some cases, the only means of punishment. In economics, privatisation of prisons as a response to the overpopulation of incarcerated individuals instead of looking into the structural causes of mass incarceration legitimises the use of prisons as a tool of crime control. The casual exploitation of the labour of inmates point towards the normalisation of prisons such that mass incarceration is not seen to be a societal problem but instead, an opportunity for business corporations to utilise cheap labour. Hence, it would be difficult to imagine a society without prisons as it is prevalent in the economic and political spheres of society.
Conclusion
It is difficult to think of a society without prisons because the idea of prisons has infiltrated the cultural, economic and political realms of society. Penal culture informs the public on the deterrent, rehabilitative, incapacitation and retributive functions of prison. Prisons' presence in popular culture; in the media and in penal tourism legitimises the use of prisons by validating its importance in crime control. The idea of prisons as a form of social control is propagated by politicians who utilise penal populism in their campaign rhetoric. Prisons have also shown to be beneficial to the economy in part of business corporations profiting from exploiting the labour of prison inmates. Hence, its existence in various facets of society makes it difficult to imagine a society without prison.
Although this paper has briefly included the problematic aspects of prison, how its effectiveness is dubious in the realm of academia and how it is exploitative and potentially neglects the rights of incarcerated individuals, it is hard to shift towards a paradigm of prison abolition as there will be gaps in society where prison has filled the notions of punishment and crime control. However, prison abolitionists would argue that the pain and suffering caused by prison institutions should be an impetus for society to question the norms of imprisonment (Scott, 2013). Davis (2013) contends that instead of relying on imprisonment to control crime, society needs to take responsibility for the structural inequalities and social problems that beget the need for prisons. In order for society to be able to accept prison abolition, the factors that make it hard to imagine a society without one as outlined in this essay need to be addressed. As mentioned by Davis (2012), an entire revolution of society’s current institutions is needed in order to imagine a society without prisons. Davis (2012) suggests that there needs to be a demilitarisation of education systems, free and accessible physical and mental health services and a justice system rooted in reconciliation and reparation. However, such a feat would require a lot of determination and willingness from society to entertain alternatives to prison. Therefore, it is only difficult to imagine a society without prisons insofar as society is unwilling to undergo major changes in dismantling deep- rooted socio-economic and political problems that result in the dependency on prisons.
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