CONUNDRUM

One time, I was having a conversation with my sister Lyssa and she said I tend to contradict myself. I say men are trash but I also am impatient to marry or find the right one, etc. I told her, among the sea of trash, there are definitely some good men left, an absolute layer of cream as opposed to gunk and filth that dominate the sea. I also think I deserve a man like that, because at the very least, I think all women deserve a man like that, but especially because I'm a good person who does good things and I'm self-aware about my good and my bad, and I like a man who is self-aware, about his good and his bad. Upon thinking about this further, I realize perhaps this is why women may start catfights with each other, because a good man is a prized possession, a rare gem. Within that tiny selection, I now have to search even further for someone I'm compatible with. The size of my dating pool is like a kid's inflatable backyard pool. The entire gender needs to be revolutionized for the good of humankind. First up, why do men behave like fuckboys?

PRECISION

I dreamt I met Lin-Manuel Miranda, and I took a photo with him and he asked not to post it on social media immediately, so people wouldn't stalk him, and this is literally what he actually does in real life, so I thought it was real. He had his dog Tobillo with him. I also showed him my tattoo, and told him Hamilton saved my life, which it kinda did, and still is doing. Yesterday was International Women's Day, so I've been seeing quotes all over social media but the one I currently identify with is: there is no force more powerful than a woman determined to rise.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT

One of my close friends is pregnant, and it might be an anembryonic pregnancy, or a type of miscarriage where the baby does not have a heartbeat. At least, on her previous checkup, this is what the doctor said, but she's waiting for a bit longer to check whether it is definitely the case. I hope it isn't and the baby pulls through. I know my friend and her boyfriend were happy and looking forward to it, and she would be a really good mother.

She hasn't told many people, but she approached me about the pregnancy because I'm one of the few people our age who has experienced being pregnant. It reminded me of a couple of paragraphs I read in Michelle Obama's memoir, in which she says a miscarriage is lonely, painful and demoralizing. Michelle Obama was the First Lady of the United States for two terms, she was a highly successful lawyer in her own right, she is well-educated, and generally wholesome and well-rounded, and if she could feel lonely and demoralized from a miscarriage, I just hope people know that it's a much bigger mental hurdle for women than it may seem to be. I also hope that people know it's okay to talk about things that are difficult to talk about, and more than that, it is even more important to talk about things that are difficult. This is what Michelle Obama says about it:

After many years of taking careful precautions to avoid pregnancy, I was now singularly dedicated to the opposite endeavor. I treated it like a mission. We had one pregnancy test come back positive, which caused us both to forget every worry and swoon with joy, but a couple of weeks later I had a miscarriage, which left me physically uncomfortable and cratered any optimism we'd felt. Seeing women and their children walking happily along a street, I'd feel a pang of longing followed by a bruising wallop of inadequacy. The only comfort was that Barack and I were living only a block from Craig and his wife, who now had two beautiful children, Leslie and Avery. I found solace in dropping by to play and read stories with them.

If I were to start a file on things nobody tells you about until you're right in the thick of them, I might begin with miscarriages. A miscarriage is lonely, painful, and demoralizing almost on a cellular level. When you have one, you will likely mistake it for a personal failure, which it is not. Or a tragedy, which, regardless of how utterly devastating it feels in the moment, it also is not. What nobody tells you is that miscarriage happens all the time, to more women than you'd ever guess, given the relative silence around it. I learned this only after I mentioned that I'd miscarried to a couple of friends, who responded by heaping me with love and support and also their own miscarriage stories. It didn't take away the pain, but in unburying their own struggles, they steadied me during mine, helping me see that what I'd been through was no more than a normal biological hiccup, a fertilized egg, that for what was probably a very good reason, had needed to bail out.

ROCHESTER

I emailed CUNY about my transcripts a week ago and I haven't received a response, besides the automated one when I first sent it. My transcripts that I mailed a month ago don't seem to be updated and I don't know if they got lost or just haven't been processed. CUNY is in charge/an umbrella of 25 institutions so maybe that's why there's a delay but ergh I don't want my applications to be incomplete by the time they make a decision. Breathe in, breathe out. It's okay, Sarah, remember if you cannot change an outcome, you might as well be calm instead of anxious about it. Also, CUNY's motto (translated from Latin to English) is the education of free people is the hope of humanity, also translating to why the hell was I born in Singapore, seriously? At this rate, I might as well just submit my name in for 90-Day Fiancé and marry an American for the visa. o<-<

DED

So ever since I moved back, I've been in the same room as my third sister Aqilah (who's also the one who modified my bike). She moved into my room when I moved out but now we're sharing and the youngest sister is the only person who has her own room in this apartment (that's what happens when you have seven people living in a household). Anyway! So Aqilah and I were talking about Titanic while we were each on our respective phones, and she asked me, "Shakespeare wrote it, right?" Titanic! Written by Shakespeare! I almost died laughing out loud. She just said "I'm embarrassed, I'm going to sleep" hahahahahaha. Also today I thought when I'm more financially stable in life (and also maybe if I'm living in the US and have more freedom) I'm gonna get birth control. It had better help with the period pains. I'm not having the pains now, not yet for the month, but I just thought preemptively, birth control might improve my quality of life by 10473829%. I'm only exaggerating by a factor of, slightly.

END GAME

Taylor Swift wrote a piece titled 30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30, and because, after five years, I can no longer pretend to be a closet stan, I have picked out the ones I thought resonate strongest with me, or things that I should really, really, really try to remember.

ONE: I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me that I look 🔥🔥🔥. I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

THREE: Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.

EIGHT: I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

SIXTEEN: Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know... get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.

EIGHTEEN: Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

NINETEEN: Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

TWENTY-TWO: How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

TWENTY-THREE: I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

TWENTY-FIVE: I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

TWENTY-EIGHT: I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

THIRTY: My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

PAY IT FORWARD

One of my friends, Bhavna, is heading to volunteer with a couple of friends at a refugee camp in Bangladesh this May. They formed Project Rohingya Sisu (PRS), a Singapore-based initiative that aims to empower Rohingya children through education and supporting their mental well-being. You can find out more about them here: projectrohingyasisu.com

You can make an impact with them on this journey by donating to the cause via http://bit.ly/PRSgiveasia or helping them spread the word to more people. On their behalf, I would like to thank you in advance, this really means a lot!

CLOSURE

One of the mantras I really like to be reminded of is: if you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed over people who never cut you.

I believe this is relevant to me because each of my parents had their issues while growing up, and they still have their issues now, and it's always spilled over to me, and continues trickling down to their respective kids and families, because neither of them has gone for therapy or sought continuous psychiatric help for the situations they were in.

My mother had stage three cancer, for goodness' sake. That alone is enough to take an immense toll on any person's mental health, but my maternal grandmother (the one we live with) and I just recently concurred that my mother is not a person who talks about her problems, who shares her issues with anyone else, for fear of burdening them. The problem with this is no matter how much you try to shoulder a burden alone, sooner or later it will affect your children and loved ones, in more insidious ways. Your beliefs are skewed, the pain you want to carry by yourself hardens you and you are now hard, instead of soft towards others.

The last time I saw Joey was September 7, 2016. It has been 911 days since I saw him in person, although we did chat, on and off, for close to a year following that.

Before I met Joey in LA, the last big thing that had happened to me romantically was I fell for a guy who was engaged to be married, and I didn't know. That means when I was in LA meeting Joey, I was in fact trying to heal from having been manipulated, used and betrayed.

I liked Joey a lot. It didn't matter that he was an engineer who is basically the most techbro person I've ever dated and will ever date. We didn't speak the same language when we spoke, he would watch rocket launches and I would read a book while listening to Hamilton. I was interested in languages, he was interested in math and science.

In the aftermath of having been the third party (although I do count myself as also having been cheated on 'cos I was completely lied to), I told Joey I was afraid of being honest with my feelings, and he told me he also found it hard to face up to his feelings, or to express them. This was no surprise, he was obviously a techbro.

Nevertheless, I liked him because you cannot explain feelings. We went to Big Wok, a place for Mongolian BBQ on Manhattan Beach, and the paper placemats had horoscopes printed on them. Joey made a dig about how horoscopes were definitely "not something somebody just made up out of nowhere."

We ate sushi after he'd bought his motorbike at Thousand Oaks. He told me he never used to like sushi until he was older. Once he'd gotten his bike, he asked if I wanted to go for a ride with him, but I was at his place with only one set of clothes, so I wore his jacket and jeans, which were oversized on me, because I'm "tiny and the average techbro who gyms during his lunchtime is able to bench-press my weight."

We watched Salmon Fishing in the Yemen together, and The Little Prince, and Pacific Rim. He laughed at all my choices, but he watched them anyway. While I was in LA, I had fun with him, and I guess I held those memories really close, just because I was really happy and I thought it was a good way to heal from the past.

The night we raced back to LA from Malibu in his Mazda, I desperately needed to pee (the number of times I needed to pee when I was out with him and he told me to just do it by the side tho....) but apart from the memory of myself in a dark portaloo, I also remember the immense star-filled sky that night. Say what you want about the LA population being fake, the city and coast remain one of the most romantic backdrops of the world. I put my hand around his on the clutch, and he allowed it to go on while he drove.

Joey was a techbro, but he also knew how to charm women. He had boyish good looks, he played the violin and piano, and he drove and rode mercilessly. He barely needed to try, and so he didn't.

Once I'd gotten news of my miscarriage, he dropped off the radar. I have to admit though, I did send him a message to leave me alone so that I could heal. But then I gradually texted him again, but he didn't respond to my messages unless they were suggestive and frisky in nature.

In the past year or so, I have written abrasively about him, and while I still do think there's more than a little truth to him having been a class-A fuckboy, a portion of my anger and resentment was also misdirected towards him, instead of at my mom and how she handled my situation. I hadn't had the energy or wherewithal or mostly hindsight to really face up to the underlying concepts and cultures that were brewing up storms in my life.

He was a fuse, but the lifestyle and community I'd been born in were the ticking time-bomb. As the person I am, that bomb had to and would have gone off one way or another. I think June through the third quarter of my last year was one of my most unstable periods in life, during which I was not sure if it was worth the courage and struggle to keep going on another day, and another, and yet another. So I went for therapy.

To this day, I feel a little guilt and a little shame for going on such rants about Joey. Just a little. I mean, he really did not contend with me unless it was a visceral form of communication for pleasure, and this was even after he knew he'd gotten me pregnant and I came from a conservative family, and he knew I was a fragile person with delicate mental health issues. He didn't handle it well, and sometimes, being a techbro just doesn't cut it as an excuse.

I really don't know how to find closure or whether it can even be found. But I can try. I'm trying for my own sake, because unless and until I really heal from this, I can't be content and healthy in my future relationships, and I really do want to be. I don't know if he still reads this, but somehow or other, news will travel to him anyway, so. It's been 911 days, and while he might have contributed to some of the down days, I could also have sought better help for my mental health, or I could and should have done it earlier.

Whether he reads this or not, I think what's important is, in my heart I forgive him. I forgive him wholly, and do not begrudge him. I do not need him to write me an apology or have any measurable form of remorse for me to forgive him. The point is not in his intention, it is in mine. I'm only just realizing that this could be close to true closure because if it were to be about him being apologetic, in the event that he never feels nor expresses his remorse, I would still be hanging on a thread and never be at ease. This way, I decide and am able to make my own peace by forgiving and forgetting (the anger and resentment). I hope he also lets it all be in the past and has forgotten and forgiven me. It's time for me to live and let live.

DELICATE FUCKING FLOWER

So I did some work today but I also spent half an hour doing this for my desktop. I mean... Time that you enjoy is not time wasted, right?

Today, I had a guy that I matched but never met in New York, suddenly text me, and he said he was up to video chat if I was. I no longer had the text conversation or his number so did not know who he was, at all. I said I was back in Singapore, and he said he knew, so that means he must be following me somewhere, and that would also mean he would know about Ben. I declined his invitation and told him I'd gone through the online dating with someone else (Adam) only to find out we weren't what we expected each other to be. And then in the afternoon, my first ex-boyfriend, the one whom I never felt strongly for, also asked if I was up for coffee. He's also married, and he usually works overseas but he's back for a short break. I'm not really interested 'cos I wouldn't say we're friends, we don't keep in touch and never talk, so I don't know why we would even have coffee. To be honest, the only people I would ever want to meet again are probably Joey and Bennett. Joey, because I remember listening to this podcast where a woman meets a man who had once slept with her with a grey area of consent, and this had happened way back before date rape was a thing. They met, even after each of them had moved on and started families and it became a story of reconciliation and recovery, of sorts. If that kind of thing could give me closure, I wouldn't mind meeting Joey. I'm not hell-bent on it, but I'm not against it. However, I really think every other man I used to date needs to stay the hell away, I'm running out of excuses to give as to why I'm not interested in meeting. I just don't see a point. If we're not already friends, I don't want to be friends. (Just in case you needed this disclaimer, I'm not saying Joey ever did anything without my consent, I just meant we went through a weird, negative thing that I perhaps took really long to move on from, I don't know if it's possible to get closure, I don't even know if closure is a real thing. Also, every time I thought I could get closure from my dad by trying to be on healthy terms with him, he just disappoints me, until I just decided you know, I cannot and will not waste any more energy on this. Some people are just never going to be worth the effort and forgiveness. So closure? Can it happen? Who knows?)

DUNNING-KRUGER

Thanks to Viv, I watched Behind The Curve on Netflix, it's about people who believe that the Earth is flat and that conventional science and education are all conspiracies. Tim Urban appears on it, along with psychiatrists and CalTech astrophysicists, other science writers. The flat-earthers are divided, most of them can be clearly seen to have some kind of personality disorder, a delusion of sorts, they're paranoid and whatever. They conduct their own experiments to prove there is no curvature to the world, and when the results don't corroborate their theories, they come up with other excuses as to why it doesn't work. They believe the sun and the moon are just hanging from the sky on top of a flat plane and that we are all in a dome like in the set of The Truman Show. I mean??¿¿?¿? It is very weird and my sisters were also saying "how can anyone believe the earth is flat?" And yet, and yet, if I asked my mother and grandmother what they think about evolution, and vaccines, and whether the Earth is flat, they would probably scare me with their answers. It is mentioned in the documentary that sometimes flat-Earthers can seem like ordinary people, living among us. My youngest sister who is fifteen years old doesn't even know if she believes in dinosaurs. It's like, it always seems ridiculous when someone else believes something slightly off-base, but it's so hard to believe something you've always held to be true, to be the thing that's off-base. People just cherry-pick what they want to believe and leave whatever they find undesirable.

PATRIOT ACT

The new episode of Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj is about civil rights under the Trump administration, and it basically highlights how Ben Carson, Betsy DeVos, Wilbur Ross etc, work against the very communities they're supposed to protect. It really is sad to see that the only problem the show has is in choosing which cases to even expound on and explain, because the administration just seems to be doing worse and worse things all the time.

So I was talking to a friend at work yesterday, and she asked me whether I was planning to date again. I told her I was waiting to see how my school applications will go, 'cos I applied to study either psychology or women and gender studies, at four different colleges in New York, 'cos I just applied through CUNY. The results will be out starting March 18, and if I do get in, I'd be starting school in fall this year, right.

I said I didn't feel there was a point in dating now, 'cos I might (or might not, I don't know) be leaving in the third quarter of the year to study for four years in the US. She said I should just have fun, go out for dinners, just enjoy the company, and not take things too seriously, 'cos she's engaged to be married at the end of the year, and she misses just dating around. She's not even the first girl friend who has told me this in the past two weeks.

The thing is I really admire and you could even say I envy people who can do that. I always try to do things like that and it never works out. I'm not an easy-breezy casual dater, even if I do think people should date around before getting married.

Look, I remember the things people say and do, way beyond what the people probably even meant or intended to. Nick said I was the first person to have made him come after he'd gotten a divorce from his ex-wife, which I then realized was an exact line that happened in Friends. I met Nick in 2015, four years ago, when I went to LA the first time.

I remember Joey's number, which drives me insane, because those are nine digits I haven't texted for close to two years. I've changed my phone twice and gotten a new laptop since, and the number is lodged stubbornly in my brain. For goddamn what? I don't even know. I remember Adam putting on a record while he cooks his dinner.

I remember all the things about all the men I've dated, the one who had an STD, the one who doesn't believe in monogamy, the one whose parents recently got divorced once their kids had grown up, the one who got cheated on. I remember Ben telling me about Tux wanting to sniff at drinks and food in human dishes, just to know what it is, without any interest in actually consuming it.

On my timeline of my brain, you could slice a tiny portion and I would be able to pan in on it and magnify it for you. So no, I really don't think imma try to date casually anymore. Me outtie! Me outtie! I'M OUT!

GABRIELLA

Before I left for work today, my sisters were watching High School Musical at the part where Gabriella stands up during one of the basketball games and sings, TROOOOOYYYYY, because HSM is crazy weird like that. My brain would not stop thinking about the word Troy and I could not get why Troy had captivated my interest. Walking to the train station, I recalled that the apartment Bennett stays in is on Troy Ave. This bit of information did not come easily to me. In my last week in New York, I wanted to leave him a package without letting him know but I didn't have his address 'cos the previous times he'd booked a Lyft for me or we had made the trips to and fro, together. So I couldn't Postmates the parcel to him, I didn't have his address nor could I even recall the street names. Because I never know when to give up, I tried to remember the names of the businesses I'd seen when we were walking to his place from the Subway. I also didn't have enough time to make the trip there by train before I left, so I had to Lyft there. I pinned my destination by approximation on the Lyft map, and arrived slightly after 1am, and then I saw the exact address. Technology is a very useful resource. Also, I do the weirdest shit in the name of love.

LINDA

Some nights will always be harder than others. You will not know why. I do not know why. I just know that I am happy for you, you who have found somebody to lean on, who have found someone who's got something you need, have found a darling who has stood by you and will stand by you. The thing is just that I am ready to be that person and I don't know where that person for me is. Tonight is a tough one and I don't know why. Some nights like tonight, when I don't feel very good, I am actually reminded of when I was much younger, maybe up to the age of ten. When I was at my dad's apartment, I don't know why, but I somehow knew clearly that being at his place, on weekends with or without my mom, did not make me happy. I would stay up at night, either crying silently or just not being able to sleep. I don't know why, I just didn't feel safe, or maybe I didn't feel loved. It wasn't so much as anything that ever happened, I can't explain but I just didn't feel good or cared for. Feelings are feelings are feelings, and you know, in retrospect, I can't really remember what went on at any point of time to tell you why I felt such and such as a kid. I don't like tonight, because it makes me remember bad nights as a kid. That's all. It will pass.

CHIDI GETS A STOMACHACHE

So the scene where Chidi and Eleanor receive a montage from Michael, has actually been cut by NBC themselves and is on Youtube. It's all in the soundtrack I think, they use Lost Fur from Where The Wild Things Are and wahhhh, it just shreds away at my heart. I really want to find my Chidi and not be separated from him. Today I thought I should really learn to drive, and of course, of course I remember the first and only time I was allowed to drive. 9000 miles away from where I am, in the parking lot of a Kaiser Permanente. Did you know Ken Jeong used to work at Kaiser, when he was a practising physician? When you go somewhere with all your heart, you will leave pieces of it, pieces of yourself everywhere. I want to find a partner, whom I can drive with, by my side for years and years and years. I don't want to leave them behind and have to forget them. Ah Jesus, The Good Place is the ultimate worst.

TRAINING

I don't know why I need to pen this down now but here I am. One time, when I was changing to an L train, we (as in all the commuters from the train I was on who were also transferring to the L) were rushing down a stairway, 'cos we'd seen the sign on the platform upstairs that said the L was there and leaving. There was a couple who were in front of me, taking a leisurely stroll and chatting with each other happily, and I was behind them, and there was a man behind me frustrated that the couple were technically blocking the way and taking their time. He snapped "can y'all move along, the train is here and it's leaving!" but given that it was an interchange, it was noisy and I don't think they even heard him. I felt the same sentiments as the man, but as a Singaporean sheep, I don't express when I am upset, I keep it in and whine when I am home. When we had all got into the L and were seated, for whatever reason in the world, it was just waiting there and didn't move off anyway. I sat in my seat and I thought, how strange it was that we were all taking the same train, and the couple were in a good disposition despite not rushing for it, the man was irritated and had hurried in vain since the train was not moving off, and I was silent throughout, observing the futility of getting yourself all flustered. This all took place within three minutes at the maximum, but it's been on my mind for weeks.

RAMONA FLOWERS

I just rewatched Scott Pilgrim and now my head is full of those sound effect words, like "kapow" and that kinda thing. Also, I am sorely tempted to cut my hair and dye it a Manic Panic color, like all pink, then blue, then green. But I'm 29 this year, and I really don't wanna be that girl who still lives like she's a movie character. Like Ramona and Scott, I have seen signs of exes reappearing in my life. For example, remember Jon who had another girl at the airport when I was in a cab with him from his apartment? Yeah he started following me on Instagram. I am not interested at all in dating him again. In fact, I am not interested in any man I've dated in Singapore, so I'm not gonna be dating for half a year, which will be the longest it's been since 2014? It feels good though, my mental health/mood-tracking app has been stable and on the positive side and it's nice to know that my non-dating streak will be working in tandem with that. My deadline for writing is Feb 28, which gives me three days. 28 is my favorite number but deadlines? Not my favorite thing in the world.

A SIMPLE FAVOR

You know being in Singapore, a past British colony, I was raised to spell the British way, meaning I would use realise and favourite and colour, and then I grew up and I mixed with more Americans and I've spent a cumulative five months in the US, over three different trips, and I started spelling things like realize and favorite and color. I am currently writing something rather lengthy, and I keep mixing up the way I spell things, and the thing this makes me think is I really tend to be caught in between: the past and the future, the radically conservative and the radically liberal, the emotional and the rational. Also, there is a deadline that I have to meet so I'd better write, and not get distracted on a tangent. Have a lovely week ahead! So much love x

SHARK TANK

I started watching Shark Tank. I think it recently got added to Netflix Singapore, and people here had never heard of it. There are also no other shows like it that exists locally, at least not to my knowledge. So someone with an idea for a business or a prototype for an invention pitches it to a panel of "sharks", who then decide whether they want to invest in the idea or business. Sometimes no one invests, sometimes they try to outbid each other to win over the business proposition. I have always had a phobia of the actual animal shark, and that's why I always wanted to be lowered in a "shark cage" in one of my trips, one day, just to say I faced my fear, but today, I realized, perhaps facing a round of shark investors may not hurt either. (Definitely doing the shark cage once in my life, even though I do think there is a risk I might really pass out in the water.)

LAUV

to be young and in love in 
New York City
to not know who I am but still know that
I'm good long as you're here with me

to be drunk and in love in 
New York City 
midnight into morning coffee 
burning through the hours talking 

damn, I like me better when I'm with you 
I like me better when I'm with you 
I knew from the first time, I'd stay for a long time 
'cause I like me better when 
I like me better when I'm with you 

I don't know what it is but I got that feeling 
waking up in this bed next to you 
swear the room, yeah, it got no ceiling 
if we lay, let the day just pass us by 
I might get to too much talking 
I might have to tell you something

MOONSHINE

The moon is possibly the biggest I've ever seen it. It's time for moon shots, for everything you know to be set aside and for steps to be taken outside of the frame of mind of everything that's been done before. If you don't ask extraordinary questions, you cannot know the extraordinary answers. The moon has always been constant, and yet it appears to be so bright tonight. So big and bright.

DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT

So I'm not a dancer, I don't dance but this is now my new favorite dance scene, it's from The Umbrella Academy, which is a series worth watching. This is from episode 6. I want to dance to this choreography with my husband when we get married. It's okay if we're not dancers, we will learn this dance. Also you should prolly watch the scene on Netflix for the quality, the cinematography with all the flickering lights in the park is really quite stunning.

HOLD ME TIGHT

The message of EFT is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection. Adult attachments may be more reciprocal and less centered on physical contact, but the nature of the emotional bond is the same. EFT focuses on creating and strengthening this emotional bond between partners by identifying and transforming the key moments that foster an adult loving relationship: being open, attuned, and responsive to each other.

Today EFT is revolutionizing couple therapy. Rigorous studies during the past fifteen years have shown that 70 to 75 percent of couples who go through EFT recover from distress and are happy in their relationships. The results appear lasting, even with couples who are at high risk for divorce. EFT has been recognized by the American Psychological Association as an empirically proven form of couple therapy.

There are thousands of EFT-trained therapists in North America and hundreds more in Europe, England, Australia, and New Zealand. EFT is being taught in China, Taiwan, and Korea. More recently, major organizations, including the U.S. and Canadian military and the New York City Fire Department, have sought my help in introducing EFT to distressed members and their partners.

EFT's ever-broadening acceptance and application has also brought growing awareness of this approach to the public. Increasingly, I have been besieged by pleas for a simple, popular version of EFT, one ordinary folks can read and apply on their own. Here it is.

Hold Me Tight is designed to be used by all couples, young, old, married, engaged, cohabiting, happy, distressed, straight, gay; in short, all partners seeking a lifetime of love. It is for women and for men. It is for people from all walks of life and all cultures; everyone on this planet has the same basic need for connection. It is not for people who are in abusive or violent relationships, nor for those with serious addictions or in long-term affairs; such activities undermine the ability to positively engage with partners. In those instances, a therapist is the best resource.

I've divided the book into three parts. Part One answers the age-old question of what love is. It explains how we often slip into disconnection and lose our love, in spite of the best intentions and the greatest insights. It also documents and synthesizes the massive explosion of recent research into close relationships. As Howard Markman of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver says, "This is moon shot time for couple therapy and education."

We are, at last, building a science of intimate relationships. We are mapping out how our conversations and actions reflect our deepest needs and fears and build or tear down our most precious connections with others. This book offers lovers a new world, a new understanding of how to love and love well.

Part Two is the streamlined version of EFT. It presents seven conversations that capture the defining moments in a love relationship, and it instructs you, the reader, on how to shape these moments to create a secure and lasting bond. Case histories and Play and Practice sections in each conversation bring the lessons of EFT alive in your own relationships.

Part Three addresses the power of love. Love has an immense ability to help heal the devastating wounds that life sometimes deals us. Love also enhances our sense of connection to the larger world. Loving responsiveness is the foundation of a truly compassionate, civilized society.

To help you through the book, I've included a glossary of important terms at the end.

I owe the development of EFT to all the couples I've seen over the years, and I make liberal use of their stories, disguising names and details to protect privacy, throughout this book. All stories are composites of many cases and are simplified to reflect the general truths I have learned from the thousands of couples I have seen. They will teach you as they taught me. This book is my attempt to pass that knowledge on.

I started seeing couples in the early 1980s. Twenty-five years later, it amazes me that I still feel passionately excited when I get down in a room to work with a couple. I still get exhilarated when partners suddenly understand one another's heartfelt messages and risk reaching out to each other. Their struggle and determination daily enlightens me and inspires me to keep my own precious connection with others alive.

We all live out the drama of connection and disconnection. Now we can do it with understanding. I hope this book will help you turn your relationship into a glorious adventure. The journey outlined in these passages has been just that for me.

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be..." Erica Jong has written. "It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, your risk is even greater." I couldn't agree more.

I started reading Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson today. Your only takeaway from this should be that if you are interested in dating me, whoever you are, you should also be reading it, because from this point on, I will only date anyone who has read this book.

BERHENTI BERHARAP

For some reason, for any number of reasons, today I thought back on my life. I just sat and thought about things that have happened, decisions I have made, memories I have kept and tweaked and deconstructed and reconstructed, whether accurately or otherwise.

When I was nineteen or so, I had my second boyfriend. He was Christian, and he didn't want his rather staunch family to know about me, because they wouldn't have approved that I came from a Muslim family (at the time, I was also a half-assed Muslim believer, although I was never practicing).

I was never really able to talk about him online, or mention him by name, even though we spent pretty much all our time together in school, and he was my best friend in the debates club. I made things very difficult for myself, and very likely for him, and we were on and off for a long time, because even at that time, I was already fond of transcribing my daily life, and sometimes, he would be there in all my ramblings and he wouldn't ask me to take it down, but it almost always strained things between us.

We were happy, though, when we were in love. It was very romantic, and I never doubted that he was true to me, despite the running around in half-secret. It made it all the more precious, I suppose. I don't know if I was his first love, but he was mine. I don't know why I never felt the same with my first boyfriend, I guess you really don't choose who you love, but with this second one, I felt it always. I wasn't the best of debaters, I wasn't consistent, sometimes I would make great impassioned speeches, I liked being the whip speaker, or the last in the team, but it wasn't like I had a formula down pat, it was almost always a fluke.

I remember really admiring this second boyfriend of mine, he was the president of the club when I was vice-president because we studied in the same cohort/class/year. I remember he would be encouraging in debates, when I did well, he would be extremely supportive, and when I didn't do well, he would always give me constructive feedback. He felt like my partner. He is happily married now, and I'm extremely glad and happy for him, although we are not friends anymore, and it no longer affects me, which was a hell of a long time coming.

The thing is, as a person who feels things with almost an acute intensity as I think in tangents, it is near impossible to let go of anything I witness in life. I went and fell for someone I barely knew, and I learned that he used Head and Shoulders shampoo (I still remember it was the almond variation). I asked him what animal he would like to be, and he said an owl, because owls can turn their heads round almost fully, and I was intrigued by this because I didn't know why that was even a factor in wanting to be an animal.

I answered his 3am calls, knowing full well he was not serious and would most likely break my heart. I let him drive me around Malibu, we were scorched in the afternoon heat, then let the breeze run through our hair while I took in the stars in the night sky, knowing it was not going to last. I tend to ask the men I date what they think is a pressing problem in the world, so I asked and he told me religious extremists, which I did not know at the time was such foreshadowing and would become so pertinent in my life, showing itself in large part because of him. When I left, I wrote him a note on an owl postcard.

I got pregnant, and to be honest, even now in my mindset, I don't think it should have been such a big deal. I knew my family wasn't going to take it well, though, so my brain and heart were in turmoil, and true enough, when they eventually found out, even though I had already miscarried, it didn't go down well.

I grew up and am still living in a household that still dictates what clothes I can leave the house in, that still makes comments when I paint my nails. Even though everyone pretty much knows I have a tattoo, I am possibly never going to wear anything that will expose any part of it to them, because it will likely actually break their hearts, metaphorically. When they found out, they retaliated in the weirdest but most passive-aggressive reactions. It was like everything I did upset them, but the tattoo remained unspoken of.

When I was going to New York, both my mom and grandma, who both live in the same apartment as I do now, explicitly said things like not to make the same mistakes and to be a good girl, meaning they expected me not to sleep with men that I am not legally wedded to.

Of course, the easy thing would be to continue doing whatever I wanted to do (which I did) and not speak of it, because that's what a lot of people do. I couldn't and cannot bring myself to do it that way, because apparently I have no gene for self-preservation.

I don't like pretending to live by someone else's rule, because for one, it just sets a precedent that you also believe what they are doing to be right, which I don't, and then you have to set the same example that they set for you, for future generations. I don't like abiding by bigoted rules, nor pretending to do so. It is whacked, the standards they live by and the standards I live by are completely contrasting.

They really inherently, honest-to-goodness believe in an afterlife, and they would rather live in denial, than accept that I don't believe in the same thing, because based on their beliefs, the consequences for a person like me are too unfathomable and thus the fear instilled in them makes it easier to deny the truth. It's been so ingrained.

I think, if not for my family, I would be quite relaxed, and I would be able to have fun and live in the moment (as much as is consistent with my personality -- I mean, I'm not even much of a partier). Living in fear is a thing that bothers me, I don't think fear is a thing that motivates me.

The confusion I went through during my pregnancy and miscarriage, eventually turned into full-blown depression. This affected me intensely and for a very long time, and it got so bad, even on my good days, I wondered whether the emotions I'd felt and the things I'd done, were me, or my depression/mental health. I questioned the extent of my self as opposed to my mental health issues, I didn't know if my happiness was real happiness or the high point in a manic-depressive situation. I didn't know if I would ever be really okay again.

I say all this because I truly believe if I had had the support of a family that was rational and logical, and I wasn't made to feel like premarital sex was a sin, that my having gotten pregnant was a punishment for having gone against a higher power, that the depression from my miscarriage was a premeditated test for my character, the last couple of years would have gone much differently than it did.

I think about my desire to live in the States, and of course there is a lot of.... white noise, I feel as if I might be taking up space there, I don't know if I would be accepted, I ask myself why I can't just take the easy route, and live where I've always lived. And then I think of Hamilton, and the story of US independence. They used to be a British colony, much like most of the world's countries. If they hadn't felt unsettled and restless enough, they would never have pushed to be free.

This is the person I am, the same one who likes and loves random people off the street. The one who makes my exes' current and future girlfriends uncomfortable because I just want to be friends with and understand everyone, and because I want to remain friends with everyone I've dated. The same person who makes my dates feel like they have to compare with previous men because I can't stop rambling about people I used to love in my life.

Today I also even thought, even if seemingly unrelated, about my real dad. Before I left for New York, he asked to meet for dinner and I agreed 'cos I thought it would be good to leave on a good note. He then came for dinner with my youngest siblings, both younger than ten years old, and let me know that he was broke.

The fact that he was broke and that I had to foot the bill for us was not even what really gnawed at me, it was the fact that during dinner, he mentioned Under Armour headphones for working out with and whether I could look out for them while I was in the States. This was at the same dinner that he was too broke to apparently afford. The only reason I didn't mention it anywhere is 'cos I knew my mother would lord it over my head, she used to think that every failure of my father's, is a personal victory for her, even though my very young half-siblings could be affected.

Today I think about how the chosen family members I have made for myself have proven to be more reliable, than some of my own blood relatives. I thought about so much today and my conclusion was: if you want a simple life, don't be Sarah Mei Lyana.

MARTIN SHKRELI

I was watching Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj. Today's episode is about prescription drug pricing in the US. Insulin is priced stateside, roughly the same per unit as LSD and Chanel No. 5 EDP. Big Pharma is pretty much the epitome of rich fucks who have too much money and time and nothing better to do with their lives. Today I learned the term Pharmacy Benefit Manager, or PBM, who are essentially parasites or middlemen who don't actually bring any value to any transaction.

TREMOLO

So my youngest sister found my PSP and I began replaying Loco Roco, which is the most inane game but has the funnest soundtrack and adorable characters. You can switch to even a pink blob.

(i. Yes everything I own is pink and ii. Yes I should be writing, leave me alone!!!)

Also, one of Lyssa's favorite things in life was to watch me play Spyro: Year of the Dragon, and one of my favorite things in life was to play it just for her to watch. That's our all-time favorite game in life.

I decided that to propose to me, someone has to get a Playstation (do they even still make those?) and a Spyro: Year of the Dragon disc and let me complete the game again for Lyssa before I will marry.

MEMORIES OF THE ALHAMBRA:SPOILER ALERT

My sister and I started watching Memories of the Alhambra. It's about an augmented reality game, developed by a young South Korean boy living in Granada, Spain. The game looks and feels amazing and completely life-like and if it actually existed in real life, it would sell out for sure. We were just watching it being played and it was addictive, I can't imagine if we were playing it. The endorphin release pattern must be equally strong if not even stronger. The creator patents the game under his sister's business, that she doesn't know of. The sister runs a small, run-down hostel. One day, an investor is interested in her hostel because he knows about and wants to own the game, and he offers her a time-limited offer of 10 billion Korean won, if she signs within ten minutes. Every ten minutes, the offer goes down by a billion won. She eventually signs and receives the ten billion won, which is 12 million Singapore Dollars. Before the deal, she was maintaining the hostel, she was a tour guide in Granada for Korean tourists, she translated documents between Korean and Spanish, she works at a musical instrument store. After the deal, she's richer by 12 million Singapore Dollars. If someone offered me 12 million SGD, I would barely read the contract. You can have my soul for all I care. I would take the money, buy a visa to migrate to the States, get an apartment, save one million for potential health issues (one in three people will get cancer in their lives -- that could be you, me or a person unrelated to either of us, but then I've got the cancer genes), and then, assuming each person's undergrad and grad studies ran up to 500,000 USD, I would find ten girls from underprivileged communities and give them the money to pursue their studies. I love thinking about ridiculous things like this. There are enough people in the world who are wealthy enough to give away 12 million SGD (9 million USD) like that, it's not even a dream so much as whether you know how to talk to the right people. It's all just a numbers game. Some people love numbers, some people love games.

JEREMY BEARIMY

So Lyssa was watching her all-time fave TV show, The Good Place, that I used to love when it was still being a comedy. She was re-watching the latest episode so far, S3E12, Pandemonium, the one where Chidi has to get his memory erased, and Eleanor would be the only one who remembers their love story. Before they proceed, Michael shows the couple a film reel of all their highlights together so far, and it has me bawling, even though I'd also seen it more than once. After Chidi has his memory erased, Eleanor talks to Janet, who is in summary, a robot who knows everything.

Eleanor: Janet?
Janet: Hi there.
Eleanor: Can you just, you know, like, tell me the answer?
Janet: Sorry?
Eleanor: You know, the answer. To everything. You know all there is to know in the universe. Crunch the numbers. Tell me the answer. What's the point of love if it's just gonna disappear? And how is it worse to not love anybody? There has to be meaning to existence, otherwise the universe is just made of pain and I don't like the thought of that. So, tell me the answer!
Janet: I know how you feel. Back on Earth, I had to watch Jason have no recognition of me. It felt like... right before someone pushes a plunger and murders you.
Eleanor: Sure.
Janet: The more human I become, the less things make sense. But that's part of the fun, right?
Eleanor: What do you mean?
Janet: If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn't be special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design. It would just be a big, dumb food processor. But, since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it's euphoria. In all of this randomness, in this pandemonium, you and Chidi found each other and you had a life together. Isn't that remarkable?
Eleanor: Pandemonium is from Paradise Lost. Milton called the center of hell "pandemonium", meaning "place of all demons". Chidi tricked me into reading Paradise Lost by telling me Satan was, and I quote, "my type". A big, mean, bald guy with a goatee, I mean, he wasn't wrong.
Janet: Oh no, that's very on-brand for you.
Eleanor: I guess all I can do is embrace the pandemonium. Find happiness in the unique insanity of being here, now.
Janet: We'll do this together. In the words of the man that I love... "I got you, dog."

OH SARAH

How do you tell someone you miss them? How do you say life is short, fuck it, please think of me? How do you express the fact that being calm and cool is breaking you down, in a world that has demonised having feelings as weakness? I'm so tired. I just wish someone would fight as hard as I would. God knows the benchmark would not be set so high if I weren't such a fighter.

AUTONOMY

I'm on day two of my period and as usual, it's uncomfortable enough to keep me awake. This is after I've popped two Advils to avoid the regular excruciating cramps. I'm considering removing my ovaries, more and more, but I'm a little worried my life partner might want kids. I know adoption is an extremely viable option that I'm increasingly inclined towards, and my body is my body is my body and if a man thinks any less of me if I can't have kids then what the fuck am I with such a man for, right? But, I don't know, I've changed my mind about some pretty serious things in life in the past three years, what if one day I really find someone I want to start a family with and actually want my own kids? Jeez. Will there come a time I will value my blood relatives over someone I could adopt? Why do I have to be a woman in this world? Decisions, decisions, decisions.

MR. POOPYBUTTHOLE

Today I was going through my Instagram Story archives and I saw the one of Ben telling me about Grand Central Station while we were there and his voice soothed me and made me smile. If you don't think Valentine's Day has made me miss him to no end, I'm not sure if you really know me.....

B: "my school was actually the basis, one of the three schools that were the basis for..."
S: "Gossip Girl? Oooh!"
B: "yeah.. the people that the characters were heavily based on.. were actual people that I went to school with"

How strange it was that I fell for him. When I was first listening to all of that, I did not know nor realise I would like him so much.

When I was in New York, one of the prompt answers I had on Hinge was Best Travel Story: I went to SpaceX when I dated someone in LA.

Quite a few matches I had that week, responded to that prompt with, "oh damn, that's a cool date to beat", which I find strange.

Maybe it's just the person I am, but I think people need to be nicer to themselves, regardless of their jobs. More often than not, people who hustle hard at their jobs are lacking in some other aspect. And people who have principles I find most admirable may be struggling, just 'cos they've got morals and are trying to work things out in life. It all just boils down to what each person finds important. And working for lots of money makes no sense to me 'cos in a world with homeless people, being a millionaire or anywhere close to it is not a moral outcome. It's all just pishy caca. You are not the company you work for.

SANS SERIF

I keep thinking about how excited Ben was at having found the same exact ramen that he had had in Japan, right in Brooklyn. I had ramen with my cousin when I got back, and the restaurant had a panel of The Great Wave off Kanagawa, a banner of which Ben had in his room, and which I gave him a lapel pin of, from The Met. What does it all mean? It means nothing, but it means all the things. Nothing is absolutely good nor bad, nothing is absolutely meaningful nor meaningless. Nothing is absolutely absolute.

LIGHT

I met my cousin Hazwani last night, and I also had a workout session with Han today. Both times, I told them about Bennett. They separately asked things like, you're okay if he dates someone else? You don't wanna try long distance? I answered internally to myself, no I don't want him to date anyone else, and yes I do want to try long distance. But I'm unable to confirm where my life is going, not for at least a month or so, and it is unfair to expect him to wait on a word I am unsure of, not so soon after we'd just gotten to know each other. Ben did say sometime before I really had to leave, that he did want it to be me, and I do still want it to be him. I tell myself, well if he dates someone else and it works out, then good for him, I will be happy. Yet I will not be dating, I'm finally taking time to myself, to let the rest of my life fall into place. I have gone through this a couple of times before, sometimes you rush things and it still doesn't work out because it was never going to. If he and I don't find a more suitable relationship and neither of us settles for anything less, then que sera, Sarah.

JET LAG

I'm in the living room of my mom's apartment, listening to my sister Aqilah and her boyfriend do their homework. It's so strange how first relationships are, when girls don't yet realise what mansplaining is, or that it's being done to them, and they don't call it out. I don't say it out loud, because I think people should be able to make their own decisions and learn from them but wow, what a learning curve that is. I'm leaving home in a bit to go for a swim with Han, I hope that helps to set my sleep pattern to something that remotely resembles those of the people living in this country. This post is here to serve no real purpose besides giving me something to do to keep myself awake. I miss Ben. Mochi reminds me of Tux.

JAMEELA JAMIL

"....Tell him about sex. Not just reproduction, but sex. The fun, pleasurable part of it. The joy of equal pleasure and enthusiastic consent. Do not shy away from this. Do not make it an awkward topic in your house. Because if you push him into the shadows, he will find Pornhub in there and that will become his teacher. And nobody needs that shit. I believe that learning sex from porn is like learning how to drive from watching The Fast and The Furious, a fucking terrible idea. Tell him about the history of the word no for women and how new it is to our vocabulary, and how if he were to abuse our historical conditioning to bend to the whims of men, it would be the greatest sin and sign of weakness that he could show. And when it comes to sex, tell him technical consent isn't the gold standard. It is just the basic, complete, most bare foundation. And anything less than a woman being enthusiastic about something sexual that is about to happen is a sign that he must stop and talk to her. Tell him that being generous in the bedroom will be reported far and wide among the lands -- because we tell each other everything, and his name shall become legend among us...."

Jameela Jamil is an actual queen. Please watch this speech, I love it and it is very important and very true. A generous man in the bedroom is rare, and therefore very precious. And very cute. Okay bye!

SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD

In the many twists and turns of my romantic history, I almost feel like I've learned a thing or two from each stage so that I can utilise them for the big boss. Like Scott, some lessons had to be repeated so I would actually learn them properly. Fall would be a great season to love someone I've fallen in love with.

RAISE A GLASS TO FREEDOM(SOMETHING THEY CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY)

Remember the time my mom changed my bike from a fixie to a freewheel, without asking or telling me, because she thought it was safer? So I came back and my sister Aqilah had added a phone-holder, a bottle-holder and I don't know what else to it. I mean, I know I left home but like, it woulda been nice to have been asked about my things. On the plus side, I guess I don't have to spend money on those additions. On the neutral side, I doubt they'll help me not cycle and fall right into a drain. That was 4 years ago and still the trauma lives. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Edit: also my youngest sister Arina left her wallet at home so I just passed it to her at recess so I'm now officially the eldest sister again. Why does anyone have more kids when you're expected to bail them out over and over again? This even includes bailing me out. Sigh.

MOONSHOT

I watched Before Sunrise on the plane. I think it was my third time seeing it. It's one of my favorite romantic films, and all it is, is two strangers talking to each other. That's the best way to fall in love, talking non-stop about things. Also, I'm now in Singapore, but I'll be back where I belong soon enough. In the meantime, hello sun! I can now walk out wearing just one layer, and also flip-flops! Oh how my toes have missed being free. On the way back, I took ANA flights and damn, do the Japanese get food right. It's like somebody told them: airplane fare, but make it fashion.

Also my stopover in Japan is now my one and only time there but I had only one hour in transit. For someone who loves Japanese food, I've never been to Japan, which is a mighty waste. I must go there when I'm earning more, go on a food trail or something. One of my ex-bosses said something that has stuck with me for the past 5, 6 years? She said, don't keep spending your money travelling to nearby places, because chances are you'll find similar mindsets and cultures and lifestyles and experiences to your own. To really grow and push your thinking and boundaries and challenge yourself as a person, you should travel as far away as you can, and see how differently people live. I've kept that advise and used it, and I think I'm better for it.

NO GREATER LOVE

Today I recalled again that time is not a measure of love, that I was with a guy for close to two years, and I didn't really feel much for him, that I liked being liked, and he was the first person who said they liked me.

I love Tina, and I am profoundly glad we got to know each other through a Facebook group for feminists, perhaps two years ago. We never really spoke to each other, and in fact I deleted my Facebook last year, so it was like we weren't even in each other's lives, just strangers who could have unfollowed each other on Instagram, but didn't. Tina has an exceptional memory, so she tells me what she learned in linguistics, about Kachru's concentric circles of English, how some Americans tend to be surprised that I speak English "very well", 'cos I don't come from a Western country. Singapore is English-educated, we were colonized by the British, so whether I like it or not, I speak English just as well as the British have taught me to. She tells me about Frankenstein, how Mary Shelley had written about it for her pain of having lost a child, and Frankenstein was basically her way of using pain to birth something greater. Tina talks about all these feminist notions and feminist writers and she also talks about her previous dating life. She tells me about when she was in more "fucked up" times, or at least about her misadventures in dating, and it helps. I feel like with Tina, I have found my tribe. She's half-Filipino so she understands the pressure of conservative Asian cultures, and yet she also lets me know if I have anything sexual I want to ask about, I can ask her. It's one thing to have friends back home in Singapore tolerate or give me just enough room to talk about sex or the like, but it is another to have a two-way conversation, to know that I'm not just being not-judged, but that I have a listening ear as well as someone else's stories to take away and learn from. Tina is sentimental just like I am, we feel so much and she reads a lot and she somehow knows the right thing to say or the right book or film or whatever it is to point me towards, so I can relate to something greater than I am. She likes silly things like astrology and she also literally serenaded me with How Do I Live at karaoke while kneeling on the ground, she's so melodramatic. She's so fun and live-in-the-moment I admire her so much and want to be her in those moments. I look at her and her boyfriend of four years, Sean, and I think, one day I will live with a long-term boyfriend and we will be like them. I'm so happy that she's found Sean, I'm happy that she does things like get balloons for him after a bad work day, and that they go bird-watching and lose their city stresses to the park, and they love each other in a comfortable, safe way even though they've both been through shit before this. In New York, as it is in other places, it is difficult to find love, and perhaps like anywhere else, it is also difficult to make real friends. I'm grateful that I found a sister in Tina, and I love her.

On our first date, Bennett ordered a grilled mac and cheese sandwich, which means yes, there is macaroni and cheese between two slices of bread, which is then grilled, because this is America. I noticed that he wasn't eating much while I was almost done with my food, which apart from being caused by him telling me about his life, he also said was due to the fact that he was nervous, and he gets nervous when you know you like someone new. I thought it was adorable he said it, men don't generally speak to me so candidly like that, I wear my heart on my sleeve but it is rarely reciprocal. Ben has two and a half cute somewhat-pixellated hearts tattooed on the left of his chest, like when you have three lives in a video game and you're midway through your first life. I have never met a man with such a dorky tattoo, and I have never liked any tattoo so much, as much as my own. (This is not to say that I saw his tatts at the diner, it is winter and we were both sensibly clothed in layers.) We walked around Manhattan, talking about sci-fi books, him gushing about Westworld, myself trying to take in his story as well as I was taking in every new view I'd not yet gotten accustomed to. He is the first person to have brought me into Central Park, that night there looked to be some sort of commotion going on, there was a South American country's flag being carried on but neither of us recognised what it was, though I think I guessed Venezuela. We talked about productivity, and trying to define what we each meant by productivity. At the park, before he asked if I wanted to make out (leading me to guffaw for a good three minutes), he told me something very tender. Sometimes I can tell when people say things 'cos they've been reading what I write, and sometimes I know that they try not to fall into that trap of just being what I'm seeking, and with Ben, I just felt like I'd met a male counterpart of myself. He's honest and vulnerable because he's honest and vulnerable, and I like it that he wasn't trying to hide it, nor was he trying to play it up like some kind of get-in-my-pants badge either. I talked to him about my life story, which we joked about quizzing him on because I'd embellished it with so many details, and then when I asked him questions I hadn't even mentioned in the story explicitly but just during our rambling conversations, he remembered all of them. He told me about his life story, and I remember all of it, and I won't put it here because those details are for me and not for you, but I found it the most endearing because men don't usually share their life stories so easily, you have to work for it, you get to five dates, you get one nugget of important information, etc, but Ben told me his life story, like I'd told him mine. There is a comfort I feel with him that I don't ever want to forget, I trust him so much, we did something together for the first time and I was loud in a way that I didn't even think about and embarrassed his housemates would hear, and I was like omg what is going on. We talked about good things and bad things and things we were good at and bad at, and he has the most gorgeous curly hair, and pretty eyelashes. He spent the first three nights saying "I really like you, Sarah" and saying good and nice things about me, without an agenda beyond wanting to let me know he felt it. I like Ben a lot, and you might doubt it but I wouldn't, I do love him. We played word games, because he also studied linguistics, and there is a point when chemistry usually ends and you're left hanging for the right words to say to each other, but I never felt it with Bennett. 

ANGELS

for New York, for Bennett, for Tina, for Cupid and Psyche, for all the guardian angels:

they would be in love, love, love

and every day I'm learning about you

the things that no one else sees

and the end comes too soon

like dreaming of angels

and leaving without them

and living without them

being as in love with you as I am

being as in love with you as I am

being as in love with you as I am

being as in love, love, love

love, love, love

love, love, love

xx

TRUE LOVE WILL FIND YOU IN THE END

Today I hung out with Tina, my best friend in New York. We had Mexican food and I'd thought I'd be able to have good horchata for a final time in the US before leaving, but the horchata we had was horrible. We also went to Sephora for me to check out US-exclusive makeup, and then we went to Books Are Magic, where I got a book and a souvenir T-shirt for myself. I don't like the idea of souvenirs because souvenirs are touristy and I don't quite like to visit a place as a tourist, but I do like the bookstore a lot and the tee looked comfy, so I got it. While eating, Tina asked whether I had any favorite moments in New York, and so I listed some of them, in no particular order.

One was being at the Women's March and watching Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and so many inspiring women, that entire day was electric, plus the disastrous first date that we got to eavesdrop on was epically bad. One was when I was eating a bagel with Adam at a park in Greenpoint. That was one of my first weeks here, and the temperature had really just started dropping, so neither of us really even wanted to be out. I was so cold that I pretty much inhaled the bagel, and to my brain at the moment, I'd never appreciated food as much as I was doing then. It was amazing. Bagels in the cold are now a thing. Another was seeing a proposal at Brooklyn Bridge, and then another definitely when a stranger danced with me as we both listened to a drummer, on opposite platforms waiting for either of our trains to arrive between us and break our eye contact. I had a brilliant first date at Slate NY, I enjoyed the date very much, and we stepped out onto a snowing night, which was romantic and magical, but never evolved into anything more, and yet it was a great date nonetheless. Karaoke with Tina was extremely fun, and I challenge anyone to be more fun than Tina is at karaoke, the woman is one-of-a-kind and I wish everybody could know her. I went to Alexander Hamilton's grave with Ben, and on the same day some pigeons shat on his coat while we were at the castle that has a view of the Statue of Liberty. Bennett took me to Grand Central Station, and he told me that his prep school was one of the schools that Gossip Girl was based on, we looked down at the crossing crowds, and we felt small and inconsequential in a good way, the way you do when you look at stars, and we headed to Central Park, where he proceeded to ask me whether I wanted to make out, and I remember laughing non-stop because he was the cutest. He is the cutest. Tomorrow might make the list, Tina and I are going to the Met!

so kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me

I'M CALLING IT

I haven't thought of the one for ages. I haven't believed in the idea of the one in a long time, nor do I do now. It's not like I believe in God nor fate nor do I think there is a person made just for everyone in this world. I think the one is just the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with who chooses the same with you, and that could literally be anyone. I do, however, think that I've done my fair share of dating, to know what I want, and what doesn't cut it. (I also think that dating enough should be the norm and recommended. You spend years of your life taking on jobs and determining the right profession to be happy in. It should be the same with your romantic life. These are two of my favorite articles that back it up.) It takes real effort for me to feel like I've never felt before. And yet it takes no effort to talk about climate change and our projected values for the world. I've dated maybe forty men in my life, seriously or one-off things, and not a single one has ever asked me "would you like to make out?" on a first date. At Central Park, no less. You had New York on your side. I was very amused to have been the one to tell you that the MBTI was thought up by two women who had no scientific background, and of course I knew you think the whole thing is foolish. It's like I knew slow walkers are your pet peeves, and yet you told me I could let you know if you were walking too fast for me. You could never walk too fast for me. It feels easy to think of you, am I back in middle school? The answer would be no, because I've never been to middle school and I have no clue what ages comprise middle-school-dom.

We saw a family with two kids who had lollipops, one of them asleep. I wanted to tell you but I was preoccupied: one time, I fell asleep sucking on a Chupa Chups lollipop and I woke up with ants in my mouth. One time, we took the Subway and although it shouldn't usually feel so comfortable with someone new that you can fall asleep together on a train ride, we both did, with your head on mine. Also, may I just say, I have no idea where I placed my glasses so I'm typing this with my phone literally four inches away from my face. That's irrelevant to this post, it's just me being a dumbass.

POLAR VORTEX

If you Google polar vortex, I think the definition is "so cold Sarah could die", I mean literally try it and see. The temperature in Singapore now is 88°F, which I have lived in for 28 years. The temperature in Queens now is 13°F. I don't believe in God but who do I pray to for help?

FEAR IS THE HEART OF LOVE

When it's good, it's easy. Sometimes you try so hard and you blame men for not trying hard enough, but I think I've just now learned that the fact they don't try means they don't think you're right for them, and that's okay. When it's good, you don't have to stay up wondering why they're not holding onto you while you sleep, you don't have to struggle wondering why you're still awake while they sleep, you don't have to make up conversation by yourself while they're driving, you don't have to provide justifications and qualifications for love, you don't have to wonder why they don't seem to say they like you very often, you don't have to grip onto topics of common interest and pretend you understand their lingo, because they won't do it for you. Sometimes it's good, and you can talk about anything, and they will feel warm and comfortable, and you will like their dorky video-game-three-lives-heart tattoo as much as they like the tattoo on your spine, sometimes they will tell you you are beautiful and you believe it, sometimes you think they are just as beautiful and try your best to make them believe it, sometimes they are wonderful and feel just right, and sometimes you play games and it's easy to connect because you like the same things and dislike the same things and sometimes, it's easy because it's good.

IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

Is there a scale to impostor syndrome? Is it measured by how often you feel it, how intense you feel it, the duration of time for which you feel it in any one moment? Over the last few years, I've read about nationalist rhetorics, of Trump and his goddamn wall, of Brexit, and you know the gist. I wonder if anyone looks at me in New York and thinks I am here to steal a job that should rightfully belong to someone who was born here. I feel less than, I feel not good enough. I don't even have a college degree, I've never been to college. I tend to think a lot about what other people think about me, and I worry all the time, that people don't want me here. It's silly because I have brains and I'm capable, I'm sure I can do a lot of jobs just as well as other candidates, plus I have the hunger for it, to prove myself, to prove that I belong. Singaporeans qualify for the H1B1-Singapore visa, which costs 460 USD to file. $460, that's the same price as like, a new phone. Why not? Why not me? Why not now?

Also, upon further pondering, I just thought about the people I know who weren't born in Singapore but are living and working and studying in Singapore, and I don't think any of them is stealing anyone's job so, pfffft, shut up and settle down, Sarah. If someone has a bigoted opinion about immigrants, you shouldn't care about them.

AMPERSAND

Bukankah saya seorang berbangsa Melayu? Apabila saya menulis CV, saya mencatat bahawa saya boleh berbual dan menulis dalam bahasa Inggeris, Melayu dan juga Mandarin. Namun, jika anda boleh membaca tulisan ini, anda pun akan faham bahawa saya tidak berkebolehan untuk berbual atau menulis dalam Melayu secara lancar. Saya tidak tahu apa CV dalam bahasa Melayu pun. Apabila saya menulis dalam bahasa Inggeris, ternyata saya selesa dan berpengalaman menulis dalam bahasa Inggeris, apabila saya menulis dalam bahasa Melayu, tulisannya seperti seorang kanak-kanak berumur enam tahun. Perkataan demi perkataan, saya berfikir dalam bahasa Inggeris, dan saya fikir, apa perkataan ini dalam Melayu. Sesungguhnya saya rasa ini sesuatu yang patut dikasihan, kerana bahasa Melayu adalah bahasa yang sungguh romantis, bahasa elok untuk menulis pantun, dan saya tidak pernah menggunakannya, melainkan menggunakan bahasa pasar untuk berbual bersama keluarga saya. Adakah ini makna sebenar seorang bilingual? Saya rasa sememangnya tidak.

Am I not Malay? When I am putting together a CV, I state that I'm able to speak and write in English, Malay and also Mandarin. However, if you can read this, you'd understand that I don't have the ability to speak nor write smoothly in Malay. I don't even know what CV is in Malay. When I write in English, it is obvious I'm comfortable and experienced writing in English, when I write in Malay, the writing seems to be that of a six-year-old child's. Word by word, I think in English, and I think, what's this word in Malay. I do think this is regrettable, considering Malay is a romantic language, a language for poetry, yet I have never used it but to speak coarsely with my family members. Is this what it really means to be a bilingual? I think not.

(Also, I wrote this awkward paragraph in Malay first and then I wrote the smoother, more eloquent paragraph in English. Sigh.)

ON A GOOD NOTE

When I left Singapore, my manager wrote me a letter. It was funny 'cos Aileen always said she wasn't good with words, and as long as I was working at Lush Vivo, they always knew me as the girl who was good with words, right. But then Aileen wrote me this goodbye note, and I bawled. I think, given my strange childhood and many suckerpunches in my past, it is really hard for me to inherently believe in my worth, but when my manager who works with me and sees me on a weekly basis for a year or so, writes good things about me, I just feel good to know I'm special. I'm special, and sometimes it scares other people that I'm so different, but that's on them, and not on me. I must remember that if ever any man doesn't think I'm special or doesn't treat me like I'm special, I can do without these men. My worth is more than a man who is scared to admit and see me for what I am. This is what my manager wrote:

Dear Sarah,
I actually don't know what to write. You see, I'm terrible with goodbyes and I refuse to say goodbye. From day 1, when you were wearing a red shirt, clutching a book, undies showing (in a good way) claiming to be feminist, you already stood out amongst the crowd. Nope it's not your fluent impressive way of introducing yourself, nor your height. =) It was your kindness. Somehow I knew then and there you were a good person. There wasn't anything that changed my mind: your non-religious way, history, lifestyle, beliefs. No matter what you do or say, we just knew, you were a good person. So much so it scared some people. At first, your sincerity and kindness were doubted and I would like to apologise that I wasn't able to protect you, and you had to go through a difficult time at first. But not long after that people really saw who you really are and you started taking care of everyone, including me. I don't think there's any way that I can thank you enough for being a good friend/sister/staff/colleague. My only regret is we don't have much memories outside work (but God knows even if I turn back time we still won't have much cos we're that old and lazy to go out). Lol. Also, every time I work with you, it doesn't feel like work, just hanging out with a friend. That's why in general I don't need to hang out with you outside of Lush to consider you one of my dearest friends. I really suck at expressing my feelings but I hope you get the gist of how much you mean to me and how much I'll miss you. I pray to all Gods that they guide you while you chase your dreams in New York. I believe in you Sarah, we all do. Please do not forget us when you're a famous New York Times best-selling author. Stay in touch. Text me when you need someone to talk to. I promise to reply. Even after three months.
❤ you. Aileen.

Damn, people always hustle me, saying they're not good with words, and then they make me cry!! I'm supposed to be the writer!!

THE ONE WHERE FRIENDSHIP HAS EQUAL VALUE TO ROMANCE

Sarah: Maybe one day i will reconnect with him when he and i are both in better places

Tina: But I think having a hard boundary like you said is healthy. Only dating people who make you feel good is a requisite most people don't bother with when they should

Sarah: !!!!! I'm glad that i finally learned it

Tina: Do you watch wong kar wai films??

Sarah: This man compliments me, tells me he really likes me, talks through his feelings with me, tells me about his life story, and i've been settling for non-commital emotionally unavailable men for what???
Sarah: No what's up!!

Tina: awhhhhhhhh
Tina: Sarah
Tina: That's so sweet
Tina: I'm surprised you haven't! He's like PEAK Asian cinema. A lot of his films are about lost love though
Tina: What you said reminded me of one of my favorites by him called "2046"

Sarah: I'm gonna see it when i'm back in SG, looks good but i can't do lost love now when i'm grieving New York and completely knocked over and beat up
Sarah: But i do want to see it!

Tina:

Sarah: Oh geez

Tina: Yeah I don't blame you
Tina: I'm so freaking cathartic
Tina: I douse all my wounds in salt lol
Tina: but do try them when you're feeling better. most are actually set in Hong Kong though there are some bits of his films set in old Singapore I think
Tina: Bennett sounds amazing

Sarah: Okay i will and will let you know what i think!
Sarah: Bennett is a very special man

Tina: I'm glad you could find a real connection that makes you feel good

Sarah: I'm glad too
Sarah: We keep telling each other
Sarah: He says he's happy he had a perfect week with me before i leave, but i think he's sad and upset that i got the bad news a day after he actually asked me to be his girlfriend, so i think i won't be seeing him again before i leave bc it's just hard and sucks for both of us

Tina: Oooohhhhh no
Tina: Now that's salt in the wound
Tina: Well if you think that's what you need then don't see him

Sarah: Yeah i think i'm more salt than wound for now
Sarah: (shrug emoji)

Tina: God
Tina: You're romantic but like
Tina: So much more reasonable than me
Tina: Or most of my friends even lol

Sarah: Haha i dunno, i think i've been through enough bad things from my environment that i really don't wanna add on to it of my own accord, if i can help it. I really really really cross my fingers that in a couple of years or so, i will be able to be with Bennett and we will both be in better places in our lives. As a hopeless romantic, i do want this to happen.

Tina: You're so optimistic. I love it.
Tina: Obviously I didn't know you very well before you were here
Tina: But it seems like you've done a lot of important growth in just a few short months
Tina: And no matter what happens, you're prepared for it, and you're better because of it.

Sarah: I am, i am better, but to be honest also, having you around to bounce off my feelings for the past two months, i'm amazed at how you always say the things i need to make me feel so much
Sarah: ❤

Tina: honestly like
Tina: I just ADORE you

THE REALITY OF EXPECTATIONS

Me: it's okay, it will be okay, I will be okay
Also me: *sobs and lies in my own pool of tears for 24 hours*
Me, ever the eternal optimist: crying is good, it releases manganese in the form of tears and relieves the amount of stress and sadness I feel

ON BEING HUMAN

When I was growing up, as many millions other people would have when they were growing up, I heard the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I think this is definitely an inspiring question, but it also feels a lot like Disney. Disney tells you that if you are a good person, then at the end of the day, good things will always happen for you. If you are a pretty princess, you will always find your prince. If you work hard enough, then you get to be what you want to be. Outside of Disney movies, it isn't so simple. You can't just be an astronaut if your country doesn't have a space program. Love doesn't magically happen and continue happily ever after. Sometimes you fall in love and they live ten thousand miles away from you. If you're born in Asia, in a conservative religious family, sometimes what is expected of you is wildly different than what is expected of a person born in America. I have many close female friends in Singapore, but across all my social circles, I have never been able to discuss female masturbation. It is a taboo, and I wonder if any girls in Singapore have close friends that they talk about it with. I wonder if I just have to increase the variety and diversity of my social circles. I was walking on Union Sq/4th Ave, and I met a homeless black man. He pointed out my Marceline boots, and then he proceeded to have a 30-minute session telling me about James Jackson and Emmett Till. James Jackson is a white supremacist who used a sword to kill a homeless African-American man two years ago, and James Jackson is on trial now. James Jackson said himself, that he feels angry when he sees black men go out with white women. When James Jackson was growing up, I wonder if anyone had asked him what he wanted to be, and I wonder if he'd thought he wanted to be a white supremacist who kills black men. In the Hamilton musical, the theme of leaving a legacy is a strong recurring one, and Alexander Hamilton never saw the legacy he left behind, he died before receiving any real recognition. In Michelle Obama's Becoming, she highlights that even though she did work hard and stayed in school and was a planner and an exceptional lawyer, and became the first black First Lady of the United States, the work had been put in generations before her own efforts had started. Her great-great grandfather had been a slave, but her grandparents worked hard, and her parents worked incredibly tirelessly, to make sure Michelle Obama and her brother got everything they needed to climb out of the South Side of Chicago. The idea of a legacy unbalances me, I don't think I want kids, especially because of climate change, and I have no idea what kind of an Earth I would be bringing my children into. My parents didn't personally see me through a steady education, which I understand, because they had me when they were eighteen. I was ten when they were twenty-eight. I'm 28, and I don't even know what I'm doing with my life right now, let alone if I had a ten-year-old kid in tow. I think, what I'm trying to say is, what I'm trying to do is, somehow allow myself to feel better. Millions of people didn't become the things they wanted to be when they grew up. Millions of people aren't doing what makes them happy. Some people are happy because they wanted to have families and be good parents, and some of them have achieved that, at least. It's not what I want. What I want is to know that I have value in the world, even if I never achieved my ambitions, and even if I don't create a path for my kids to achieve what they want. I think the problem with Disney is it teaches you to crave positive outcomes by working hard, and sometimes that's not the case. I have been a good person, and I have lived bravely. If you ask me now what I want to be, I'll tell you I want to be an American. Yet the two are mutually exclusive. Even if I don't feel I belong in the country I was born in, even if the environment is not one that encourages and supports my happiness, I want to feel like a good person, that I have done enough to be human. And I think I have. Every time you feel a fear of failure, but take a step towards overcoming that fear, I believe it makes you human. Every time something bad happens to you, but you use it to understand other people and how they have been shaped, instead of allowing it to shape the person you are, you are human. Every time you recognise your behaviors have been problematic, and you look back on them and allow yourself time and space to learn and grow instead of never facing your issues, you are human. I have done enough to be human, and I can live with that.