Tuesday, August 13, 2019

ROARING 20'S


this is my roaring, roaring 20's
I don't even know me
roll me like a blunt 'cos I wanna go home


I have unpacked my luggage after our trip to Japan. It was a lovely summer vacation, we experienced many things together and we ate a lot of good food. Ten days next to someone is a long time to spend, or maybe it seems that way to me, 'cos I've never been in a proper relationship and I've never lived with anyone with the exception of my family. Lucas and I spent quite a bit of time talking. We talked about why we wanted the things we want in life. Sometimes I think relationships could turn out like a quadratic graph, and once you have reached the maximum value of the curve, you can only go downwards. Conversely, perhaps once you have reached the minimum value, you can only go upwards. If it's a good relationship, maybe it's more like a sine curve with ups and downs, instead of a quadratic function. I don't know, I'm just a 29-year-old girl who regularly talks to myself, what do I actually know??? I was reminded of when I was friends with Khalis, whom I sort of used to date, ish. At one point of time in our friendship before we just lost contact because of life, he said his girlfriend at the time didn't like him being friends with me, even though I had never met her and I never made a move on him once he had a girlfriend. At another point of time, he told me that I reminded him of the agape definition of love, which in common terms means I have a love for everyone. I don't know where this is going. I'm in the midst of taking out a bank loan for my studies in New York. I am very excited to be doing women, gender and sexuality studies in one of the most sexually liberal places in the world. I think one of the hardest things to reconcile in my life is the fact that my mother is religious and regularly in denial, like when I was leaving for Japan with Lucas, my mom asked me to "respect myself and the relationship", which means she honestly had high hopes that I wouldn't be physically intimate with him. In contrast, I believe the women (and hopefully men) in my course will be much more in tune with talking about sex openly, engaging in and encouraging it healthily, as well as fostering difficult conversations in regard to intersections of race and sex. While I'm moving to New York, Lucas is also planning to move there with his career, and I think the general plan is for us to move in together. However, I also think that this Asian (or at least Singaporean) thing of moving out of your parents' place right into your marital home doesn't allow for much independence in between. I think, at 29, I have the emotional maturity and independence of a much younger person in say, the US or Australia. I want to be able to live by myself and explore the person I am, and my own life, at least before I settle down. I don't know where I'm going with this, it's like life has just begun for me, and I don't want to think of it in terms of being me with respect to Lucas, I want to be a separate and independent entity. Don't get me wrong, I love Lucas very much. I look into his crystal blue eyes and think of when a guy at Naoshima told Lucas he had beautiful eyes, and I encouraged the flirtation between both of them by telling the Japanese guy (honestly) that Lucas thought he was cute. I love it when I'm the person rubbing sunscreen onto Lucas' sunburned neck and shoulders. I love giving him a foot massage that simultaneously relieves his foot pain and also tickles him, so that he's torn between wriggling and keeping still to enjoy the massage. Lucas is amazing, politically aligned with me, is soft and sweet and affectionate, he's intelligent and smart, he makes me laugh and I make him laugh, we're great together. And yet. And yet I still don't know where this is going. I feel like I haven't had the time that some people have had, to find out who I really am.

Tuesday, August 6, 2019

FLORENCE + THE MACHINE

It's my last night in Tokyo, with Lucas. Travelling with a partner is very different from what I'm used to. I used to couchsurf and make friends easily, but different phases of life call for different experiences. This place holds a lot of memories. My sharp memory has always been a double-edged sword, I remember all the details and forget none. When Joey was here, he sent me photos of a patchwork doll he saw in a park. Adam had a half-Japanese girlfriend, he introduced me to Terrace House and I still continue to watch it and think of him, and Bennett was extremely excited when he told me he'd found the exact same ramen in Brooklyn that he'd had in Japan. I am happy now, though, so I look back and I thank every person for having gotten me to this point of happiness in my life. On this trip, Lucas and I have each had some bowel movement problems. My period started yesterday, and I usually have a bit of the runs when my period cramps are bad. Last night in bed, Lucas asked when my worst menstrual period had been, and I told him about the time in May/June last year. I usually know my period cramps can get terribly painful, but this one time, they still managed to surprise me. Even though I was on my off day, wearing a comfortable sweater and having eaten a full meal of pasta and drank a mug of hot chocolate during a premium cinema experience, I still could not get through the entire movie, so I went to the nearest public restroom. In the toilet, the cramps were so bad and I had absolutely no energy to go get painkillers, despite the full meal, so I lay down on the cubicle floor clutching at my stomach for two hours waiting for the pain to subside. Lucas has no sisters and he doesn't have the best relationship with his mother, so I told him what I have experienced and seen as a woman, and maybe as a woman having grown up in Asia. Due to the fact that for much of history until recently, medicine as an industry has been dominated by men, sometimes male doctors misdiagnose and underdiagnose symptoms and conditions faced by women, right. The fact is, sometimes periods can hurt as much as a heart attack, and they can actually take a toll on the mental and physical wellness of a woman/anyone with a period. So, anyway, I told Lucas that sometimes extremely painful periods are caused by strange, abnormal things like the fallopian tubes being twisted or in the wrong positions or any such thing, and sometimes I wonder if that's what's happening in my body because I don't believe period pains should be so excruciating. Having listened to me describe the things that could be wrong with a reproductive system, Lucas turned away and said he was queasy 'cos he couldn't handle the thought of blood. This man!!!!! White men are the most fragile!!!!!!!! Anyway, we went through mishaps in Nikko because we wanted to see a waterfall, but we kept missing the bus schedules and whatever, but even though I was tired as fuck, we were both deliriously making each other laugh, and as I started off in this post, travelling with someone is massively different than travelling by yourself. I wanted to stay angry when things didn't go my way, but he made me laugh against my will, and anyway Lucas is out of the shower, we are heading to Kyoto tomorrow, travelling with the love of your life is gr8, 372163/10 I absolutely recommend and I hope you find the love of your life okbye. I might write a little bit better when I get home or when Lucas isn't looking over my shoulder, I would not live here because it is extremely homogeneous and they are not used to seeing a dark-skinned person and every time I feel like they're looking at me, I can't tell if it's my outfit or it's because they're not used to seeing a brown person!!!!!!! All photos and superfluous captions are here.

Saturday, July 13, 2019

JUST ADD WATER

I spent some time with one of the people from work I'm closer to, Kyrene, and we talked about what we both thought of love. She said she doesn't really think romantic love exists, more of a convenient justification for people to marry one person and procreate/copulate. I am inclined to agree, I'm not sure I can see myself committing to one single person for a lifetime, and then we both read an article in which science says love doesn't exist. I told Lucas about the conversation I'd had with Kyrene. He knows, as it stands, that I don't even really know what love means, or I have a warped idea of it. The fact is I saw my parents in a turbulent relationship. While fighting, one parent would ask me to throw away something the other had bought for them as a gift, the other would tell me not to. Whichever side I picked, I would still be wrong and one would still end up angry at me. The next thing I knew, they would tell me they loved each other and loved me. So now I have to keep unlearning what I've been taught love was. I have to tell myself that drama does not mean love. I have to re-parent and teach myself that I do not have to love a distant/avoidant partner, one that I have to work and plead to receive attention from. Lucas knows all this, and we speak about all this, and he read yesterday's post and we talked about it and how it affected him. He said, of my conversation with Kyrene, that he's known for a long time that what we know as romantic love are just chemical reactions in the brain, mostly to perpetuate the human race and all that jazz. He said, still, that he knows he loves me, because he and I want the same things, that we believe and work for the same things, that he's always wanted a partner he could talk to like a friend. We sang karaoke, just Lucas and I. We are both not the greatest singers. In fact, that's being very nice to our egos. Neither of us sings well, but enclosed in a tiny space, we listened to each other's warbling voices. When I am at his place, we play Taboo and we have our own inside jokes, like all couples do. I don't claim to know what love is, most of the time I don't know what it is, but whatever I feel for Lucas, it is strong enough to keep me safe and protected for a long, long time, I hope.

Friday, July 12, 2019

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Hello, how are you? Did you get that promotion you were working so hard for? I hope you've met someone new. Sometimes when I'm in a car I wind down the window and it feels like that summer. Hello, how are you? You finally started that band you've always wanted to, and it looks way cool. I'm so proud of you, and I hope you receive that token from your parents. Hello, how are you? I wonder if you know every time someone talks about horoscopes I think about you and how much you knew about them, you said you had to know something well, before you could hate it and rebutt it. Hello, how are you? I will always have fond memories and a special place in my heart for you, telling me about the @midtownuniform account and when we laughed together at such Chads in Manhattan. Hello, how are you? I have loved and missed you all and sometimes I wonder if your ghosts will all stay with me even as I collect more memories with the love of my life.

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

PANDORA'S BOX

I just finished reading Inheritance by Balli Kaur Jaswal. I don't know why Lucas recommended it to me so strongly and he even got me my copy of it. He kept saying I would be able to see how much the writer seemingly hates Singapore, which is apparent through the different characters' rants about it. As I read it, I completely related with many of the viewpoints of the "East" versus "West" that has always seemed to plague us. I also wonder if Lucas actually subconsciously meant for me to pick up on the mental health issues in the book.

When I first read the chapters introducing the protagonists, I started to feel confused and dizzy. It felt very intense, but in a way I'd never really felt, regardless of the book I was reading. So one of the characters has bipolar disorder, and she doesn't get diagnosed with it until she's close to thirty, and her family being a traditional Punjabi family pre-millennium, have never heard of bipolar disorder either, and they don't deal with it very well at all.

As I read Inheritance, I kept feeling discomfort. I must say it was written very well because I wanted to keep reading it, but it struck my raw nerves. I imagine that it must be like when I read a novel about someone struggling with sexuality issues and I enjoy reading about how eloquently it's written and communicated, but could and would never feel the pain that an LGBT reader would feel reading it.

I kept crying at the end of Inheritance, especially because she writes that in this case in particular, it was genetically inherited, and the father who didn't raise any of his children all that well, also has bipolar disorder, or at least a serious enough mental illness.

My sister has depression, and my father, I think he has bipolar disorder, or at least he has also been diagnosed by the institute of mental health in Singapore. Every time I think of all the things I abhor that he's done, I wonder if any of that could have been contributed by his mental illness.

I also know I have a tendency towards mental instability. I remember things I wrote, about Joey, or Bennett, or whomever the subject was. Some things I cringe about, and some things I feel outrightly embarrassed by. I remember one instance in which I blacked out, I don't remember what happened in a block of 24 hours, and I have a female anatomy, so anything could have happened to me in that time period.

It worries me, and it saddens me. Most days I function as normally as any person would, but it takes a lot of energy. Any day that passes without event is a day I subconsciously give thanks for, that I got through without constant monitoring, or medication.

There are things about me that are always at odds with myself. Sometimes I think, people are right, I shouldn't write about everything. It will live online forever, and I will only embarrass myself by it. On other days, I tell myself, the people in Singapore are used to a cookie-cutter, squeaky-clean impression of life. There are not many people who may find support or even relateable anecdotes of someone with shaky mental health. I want to tell you that I exist.

I smile and laugh a lot, but a lot of the time, that is not how I feel. On many days, for many hours, I think the human population is too stupid and it will be left behind. I think humanity has no hope to deal with climate change because everyone has their heads in the sand, like ostriches. I think in this day and age, if you're not depressed, there must be something wrong with you. I think things like this, and it worries me, because I know part of me isolating myself and putting myself on a different level, is definitely my mental stability.

My biggest fear is that I'm legitimately crazy and that I'm too much to handle. I'm scared Lucas will stop loving me because I will say something in a moment of psychosis or paranoia. I'm scared I will never be able to make something of my life, because I'm cuckoo. I really want to be able to do something in spite of this.

Monday, July 8, 2019

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD

It is the third day of my period and this is already my third period I've had since being in a relationship with Lucas. My cramps are still constant, but Lucas has been taking care of me with a rubber waterbottle filled with hot water, and now I have some sanitary products at his place. There is already more color in his room since we got together, there's something pink of mine hanging on his clothes rack, there is the purple Taboo game we were playing. We are still getting to know each other, and hopefully I speak for both of us when I say we both love what we discover each day. I really hope everybody who wants this, finds this. I say everybody who wants this because I know it would be silly to assume this is what everyone's happiness is, some people are happy by themselves, or happiness to them is finding love or company in different people, and that's cool for them. We've booked our airbnb for the upcoming trip to New York, it's actually a train ride across in Jersey, but if I do get in school, we will be living in one of the boroughs, so there is no hurry. I'm very nervous just even thinking about going to school, I would be one of the first two people in my extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins to be studying overseas. The first one went to Australia, and I will be more than twice the distance and time away.

Sunday, June 30, 2019

JOLLIBEE

On days I need a little bit of a perk-me-up, I talk to Tina, or Irene, who are both at least half-Asian, and have faced their share of racial intersectional issues, and who both now reside in the US. I think generally people, whether from work, or the ones I've met through my travel, or my family members or whatever, they just let me ramble on about my thoughts, and I'm like the train that never runs out of steam. I do, actually, really depend on people propping me up every now and then, because I'm a human bean, and I never know if the course I'm setting sail on is ever the right one, if there even is such a thing as a right one. It takes so much time and energy to keep resetting myself, as if I have a map and compass, to decide whether there are parts of myself and my past that I want to reconcile with my future, or to simply leave it all behind.

These are the things that have helped me through the past week.
Irene: I think it's so important to understand what's wrong with society in the country where we live and the difficulties in our own race in order to breakthrough and unlearn the toxic behaviors. It doesn't mean we don't love our background or our ethnicity, but it's also the best parts of ourselves that get hidden because people prescribe to tradition and convention and don't feel ready to confront reality.

What's good is that many Singaporeans younger than us, especially women, are more and more open and aware of these goings-on and feel bold to take it into their own hands to explore who they are and be against the Asian patriarchy. But it's also gonna take time for things to catch up there.

And yes, while over here the dialogue is more ahead than a lot of places in the world, there are still so many difficult issues going around here, which I'm sure you are aware of! But it definitely is somewhat better living somewhere urban and has much more open leanings that are people-centric and with a social justice understanding, ie. where you've already been like NYC. (But of course a lot of hidden political affiliations that some ppl don't wish to display)

It's a very Asian thing where if you are outspoken that they expect you to just keep your opinions to yourself and fall in line to maintain harmony. Difficult, man. Sometimes we gotta voice out things because it's the right thing to do. 

Tina: I'm so sorry about your second friend. It's painful, but growing up and growing out of friendships is an unfortunate side effect to growing up in general. Different people for different stages.

Feminism is also SO relative and it's unfortunate when people fail to neglect that relativity. I've read your posts and you're very clear on the fact that you know your stance isn't like the majority of people around you. Like yessssss you're aware that your views are more US-centric (which is why you wanna move lmfao duh).

Feminism, racism, intersectionality means different things for different people especially when you put into context that everyone lives a different life with different needs.... but it's so upsetting and heartbreaking when friends warp your views against their own and make you out to be the bad guy when you're trying to communicate that relativity with critical reasoning and respect.

I'm sorry about your friend, but I'm so happy you've found solace and more in your partner. You're a radical romantic and you deserve this!

Lucas: For me the biggest culture shock is Singapore itself. Having lived and been in other Western countries (excluding Eastern Europe in my definition of Western) the US, while liberal in many places --- especially NY, is probably the least liberal of western countries but compared to Singapore it's still decades ahead. So I can't imagine how it would be coming from SG to somewhere where you can do so many things I take for granted.
I'm in the midst of scheduling my CUNY admissions tests in August, and it will be nice to be able to wear just one layer or so in New York! Also, I will have to start studying soon.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

FAIRY LIGHTS

I just wanted to reiterate that Han was a very good best friend, and we were great friends for close to two decades. I will always feel fondly about those times. I realize that sometimes I synthesize fear and hurt as anger immediately, so it sounds like I feel vindictive about Han, but I'm not. I have written many angry things about maybe Joey, and about my mom and dad, and I think most of it was just because I feel/felt hurt and neglected, but I recognize the things they've done for me. I acknowledge that my mother raised me for 26 years before she eventually really made me feel unsafe, and 26 years is not a small amount of time. Despite acknowledging everything my mother has done for me to shape me into the person I am, I also do know that I can no longer live with her for the rest of my adult life. I feel slightly guilty because I know Han has been there for me through the past three years which were some of my toughest times, and I cannot be there for her when she needs me during her wedding this year, but I do hope before this, it's been a balanced friendship, and I did as much for her as a friend as she's done for me. I hope I provided solid covers when she needed them, I hope I provided company when she needed it, and I hope that neither of us is indebted to the other.

There are many people I know who might need or want to read this, even if some people I know might already understand what I'll be trying to put across. I'm not being personal, honestly, I think many people whom I'm even still talking to would still need to read this. They are people I work with, my family members, friends I know from previous social circles. I initially said a couple of blogposts ago that I didn't care enough to justify the things I said, but I figure if I'm eventually going to study women and gender issues, I must eventually write about things similar to these following ones, so I may as well get a little bit of practice, though this is in no way of academic standards. I read a lot about feminism and feminist issues, these are my interests and passions so obviously I read more about such theories than perhaps other people would have. I don't think it is my responsibility to always be educating everybody else, because for one, not everyone is up to being educated, for two, it takes a lot of emotional labor and sometimes I just want peace of mind, and for three, these articles and resources are readily available online and elsewhere, and if someone truly wanted to, they could Google phrases and terms without having to even speak with me.

A number of people, not just the friends I've mentioned in recent posts, took some issue (to different extents) with my caption about Lucas. If you've already forgotten it, I'll make it simpler by quoting it here:
Men raised in Southeast Asia, particularly the communities I identify with, have internalized misogyny, and my peers have only very recently been taught to recognize it, let alone to unlearn such behaviors. I have not found a man my age who's gone for therapy, never been on a date with a local man who's acknowledged the privilege he carries. I've witnessed firsthand how toxic masculinity (but also systemic institutional racism) has driven the men among my loved ones to violence, to drink, to substance abuse, without ever considering that perhaps all these burdens could be lifted off their shoulders if they just spoke about their feelings, if they didn't depend on one singular woman as their therapist, best friend, lover and mother all in one.
Some of them think the paragraph above is racist thinking, and here I come to defend it.

In Singapore, it doesn't matter what race you are. I've heard parents of my female friends ask them to get married before sleeping over at their boyfriend's place or they would lose their worth. They could be Chinese, Indian, or Malay and this would happen. Mothers would say this, and fathers would say this, and what I'm trying to highlight with this is that not only men are sexist, women can also be complicit in sexism and misogyny. A woman's worth is dependent on how many men she's been with or if she's been with any man at all, but interestingly enough, nobody says this about their sons. Nobody tells their son not to sleep over at their girlfriend's place, because he doesn't lose any worth, but if they do have sex, then suddenly the woman is worthy of less respect in their eyes. In Malaysia, a Muslim man is still legally allowed to marry four women if he's financially, emotionally, mentally capable of treating them equally. Note that for people who practise Sharia law, they always use the qualification that when this was first in place, it was to ease the burdens of girls and women who were struggling and had lower social standings. So, instead of changing those impressions and the laws in place to ease the lives of women, it became defensible for a man to marry more women to help them instead. In China, the younger generation are still fighting against this notion of 'surplus women', which is when women reach their 30s and are still single, they're looked at as having less value because supposedly they couldn't find a man who's wanted to settle down with them, even if they're single by choice. Older women who are unmarried even face discrimination at their workplaces, because they're looked at as flawed. In India, marital rape is legal, or there is no law in place against marital rape. This means that if you are a married woman, your husband can have sex with you whenever he pleases, even without your consent.

I told a friend of mine that Lucas is bisexual, and the first thing they said was "has he gotten tested??" and I asked what for, to which the response was, "for AIDS!" I heard from a newly-made friend that during Eid festivities, her extended family was over at her place. An uncle of hers decided to show a clip of a gay couple being interviewed or something, to the family in the living room, with the sole purpose of mocking the gay couple. This is a clip that just exists somewhere in the world, not begging to be watched, yet this uncle-person brought it into the collective consciousness of his family so they could make fun of them. In the last week, I met two men who are not religious, but who had their spouses converted to Islam, just so that the men's parents would accept their marriages. Another friend said a man told her she was lesbian because it's just a phase, and she just needed to "try some dick".

When a few people read my caption about men in Southeast Asia embodying internalized misogyny and toxic masculinity, they said it was racist because it sounds like I think all Asian men have this problem, whereas I acknowledged myself that white men could be misogynists or they could not be, and it had nothing to do with their race. So, they were basically using #notallAsianmen on me. These friends of mine, they don't exist on online forums like I do, they are doing other important things like teaching the next generation of people or saving their lives, but here is what's wrong with #notallmen. Even if these female friends of mine have not experienced misogyny from the men they personally know, many countless women in Asia have. That's why I had a lot of agreement to my caption, even if it was supposed to be about my love for Lucas. Saying #notallAsianmen means you are again mollycoddling men's feelings, despite the fact that women in Asia have been oppressed and repressed for ages and ages, even if at the hands of other women. These stories I'm sharing aren't about men, they are about how women have experienced life at the hands of a patriarchal society. Here are links for further reading: 6 Reasons "Not All Men" Misses The Point, Because It's Derailing Important Conversations, Why Men Should Stop Saying #NotAllMen. Immediately., and A Response to the Not All Men Argument. I quote:
Feminist motions to change the inferiority of women and femininity in the public and private sphere require the support of both sexes. Statements about men that relay personal incidents aren’t sexist. The current and long-standing power dynamics between men and women put men above women in society, more often allowing men a voice. When men avoid validating these stories, that only perpetuates the systematic oppression of women. It may be uncomfortable to read statements about men’s treatment of women and they may seem like generalizations, but if you’re truly not a sexist or misogynistic person, there should probably not be the resentment that comes with the indignant, “not all men are like that, I’m not!”
Here is where I have a problem with Asian-raised men as opposed to white men, or even Asian society as opposed to Western society. I am a very opinionated woman, and I have called out the elders in my family, or the men in my family, despite this making me the black sheep. I don't think that being older makes you automatically wiser, and even if my cousins or aunts agree with me, nobody voices it except privately to me. The Asian family unit depends strongly on hierarchy. Just because I exist, and people like me exist, it doesn't mean the problem is somehow gone. It means we've just struggled through very difficult situations. Remember the men I said who had their partners convert just for the sake of pleasing their parents? That's unfortunately still the common reality in Singapore. Asians are not comfortable with calling out other people or being called out, they'd rather pretend everything is a-okay, until the cows come home. I recently told a friend at work a guy was cute, and she said he looked like a nerd, and I told her nerds are the best, because they're willing to learn. I'm sure there are good, non-problematic men in Asia, of course I do, I have cousins and friends married to great men, but unless and until these men can accept and acknowledge that an overwhelmingly misogynistic society exists in Asia, and they can call out other men, whether it's their brother/father/friend/son, or even the women in their lives, the mothers/daughters/sisters, and until men can feel comfortable with letting the conversation be about the problems that women face, instead of about men and their feelings (pertaining to patriarchy and misogyny), the society will never change. This is the major difference, that the Western world recognizes problems and call each other out on it, so that everybody can learn and change. We need to accept that a part of call-out culture is healthy for progress, because if we don't change society now, there is simply no time left before climate change.

And now, I would like to share Mahirah's paper (edited very slightly for typos but not content). This has no relation to the rest of this post, I just read it recently and enjoyed it. She studies criminology, and is a Malay-Muslim, and I'm always very proud of her, so if you'd still like to think I have racist thinking, go ahead. I have no more words. She also wrote: Which groups in Singapore may be said to experience institutionalised racism and how does this influence their life chances? which you can find here.
Why is it so difficult to imagine a society without prison?

Introduction

During the pre-enlightenment era, society utilised public executions and corporal punishments in order to assert social control (Foucault, 1995). In his book Discipline and Punish, Foucault introduced the gory imagery of capital punishment and juxtaposed this with the conception of the prison as the more advanced and seemingly ‘humane’ method of punishment (Foucault, 1995, p.231). This paper understands prisons as its broad definition of institutions that legally hold convicted offenders and are instruments for society to prevent and control crime (MacCormick, 1950). With cognisance that societies are contextual and ever-changing, this paper will refer to society as the modern-day society in this 21st century, and unless geographically-specified, the global society as a collective. Placing imprisonment in the international context will allow for a wider understanding of the phenomena across geographical locations.

Every country has its own penal system which is based off the country’s collective cultures, values and belief systems. However, prisons are omnipresent in every country’s legal system albeit in different forms and structures. This essay builds upon Foucault’s claims that it is almost impossible to abolish prisons due to the “carceral network” that infiltrates throughout society. The carceral network is the prevalence of prisons in every aspect of society such that it normalises and legalises the prison as a punitive measure (Foucault, 1995). This essay posits that the reason why it is so difficult to think of a society without prison is because the concept of prison is deeply embedded in the cultural, economic and political realms of society. This will be shown through (1) Penal culture, (2) Prison and popular culture, (3) Prisons in economic and political spheres.

Prisons’ Infiltration in Society

1. Penal culture

Penal culture is defined by both “the law, policy and practices” which informs the use of prison as a form of social control, and also the “broad system of meanings, beliefs, ideas and symbols” which shapes people’s perceptions of prison and the meanings that they attach to it (Cunneen, 2013, p.2). The use of imprisonment as a response to crime and social disorder is increasing rapidly around the world- with the global prison population now well over 10 million (Jacobson, Heard and Fair, 2017). The concept of prison has become so synonymous with punishment (Melossi and Pavarini, 1981) that it has made it difficult to imagine a society without prison. In this section, this paper will elucidate the existing penal culture in relation to the ways prison is perceived to control crime by society.

In order to control crime, penal culture sees deterrence as an important role of imprisonment as punishment. The rationale behind the concept of deterrence was introduced by early classical thinkers like Jeremy Bentham and Cesare Beccaria (Moran, Wright and Decker, 1996). According to the utilitarian calculus behind rational choice theory, individuals would rationally calculate whether the pains of punishment outweigh the pleasure of ‘crime’ (Moran, Wright and Decker, 1996). Hence, under this utilitarian calculus, imprisonment is an effective deterrent to crime insofar as it brings greater pain to the individual than the gains of committing the crime. In a speech regarding prison reform, the Justice Secretary of the United Kingdom mentioned that “prison deprives offenders of their liberty and certain freedoms enjoyed by the rest of society and acts as a deterrent” (Ministry of Justice, 2018). Deterrence is also mentioned as an aim of punishment in the functions of various prisons (Singapore Prison Service, 2019; National Institute of Justice, 2016). Prisons are built to deter crimes, with its functions propagated by prison institutions and government officials.

Another aspect of penal culture that cements the need for prisons is the idea that prisons rehabilitate offenders. In this notion, prisons are seen as instrumental in turning offenders into law-abiding citizens. In Singapore, the Singapore Prisons Service prides themselves with the mission to “...enforce secure custody of offenders and rehabilitate them, for a safe Singapore”, (Singapore Prisons Service, 2019). In Chua’s book, The Making of Captain of Lives, he narrates how he transformed Singapore’s prison system, from being overpopulated and rooted in punitive measures to seeing a steady decline in the prison population due to the shift towards a rehabilitative approach (Chua, 2012). In Australia, prisons serve the same rehabilitative purpose by providing educational, vocational and reintegrative programmes for inmates (Heseltine and Day, 2017). Prisons are seen to be crucial into turning offenders into ‘good’ citizens.

Prisons serve to incapacitate offenders as well. Jeremy Bentham places incapacitation along utilitarian lines. He reasons that incapacitation is a suffering that is justifiable insofar as it reduces future crimes from the imprisoned offender (Zimring and Hawkins, 1995). This sentiment is shared with Bauman (2000) who explains that the rising prison population reflects society’s need to take the offender away from society so that they will no longer be able to harm the public. The basis of incapacitation is to protect society from violent or corrupt individuals. If prisons were non-existent, how else would society protect itself from sexual or violent offenders?

Penal culture also consists of society’s beliefs that there is a need to punish those who have transgressed the law (Bauman, 2000). Durkheim introduces the idea of “collective conscience”, in which it is society’s moral values which are deemed to be sacred (Garland, 1991, p.122). Violations of the law is seen to be an act of violation against society’s “collective conscience”, which inevitably invokes “moral outrage and a desire for vengeance” from society (Garland, 1991). Imprisonment meets the retributive aim of punishment in the eyes of society as it punishes those who go against society’s collective moral conscience. Penal culture sees prison as instrumental in controlling crime with its functions of deterrence, rehabilitation, incapacitation and retribution. However, scholars and criminologists contend the effectiveness of the prison. Academics have argued that prisons do not sufficiently deter crime (Scott and Codd, 2010). Contemporary academic discourses are shifting away from the utilitarian view of rational choice theory, positing that there are multiple factors that can predispose an individual to criminality and not all offenders are “rational utility maximizers” (Saunders and Billante, 2003, p.4). Scott (2013) posits that the notion of rehabilitation in prisons is deterministic and focuses too much on the pathologies found in individuals and/or society. Prison abolitionists like Davis (2012) believe that prisons mostly incapacitate those who are marginalized from society and in doing so, reproduce and maintain social and economic inequalities. These social and economic inequalities are evident as majority of prison inmates in the United States are from “lower working-class, black and minority ethnicity, migrant and foreign national lawbreakers” (Scott, 2013, p.14).

However, this paper contends that despite their arguments, the reality is that prisons around the world still function on the basis of deterring crime, rehabilitating and incapacitating offenders. It is difficult for society to imagine a world without prisons as today’s penal culture is insistent that prisons are the answer to controlling crime and order in society.

2. Prisons in Popular Culture

Prison is deeply embedded in the society of today’s popular culture. Although a contested term, this paper understands popular culture as the “culture of the people” (Brummett, 2006, p.4). This encompasses but is not limited to, a dominant set of beliefs, values, practices and tangible artefacts that reflect the majority of a given society. Popular culture is simultaneously a product of and informs the mass media. In this section, this paper will explain how the concept of prison has permeated into the popular culture of today’s society through media and penal tourism, such that it has become an irrefutable symbol of punishment. Consequently, how the representation of prison in popular culture misinforms society on the realities of prison.

It is hard to think of a society without prison when the concept of prison as a viable form of punishment has been indoctrinated through various mediums of popular culture. In the media, there is a fascination with glamourizing prison and prison life. Shawshank Redemption, a movie that revolves around two imprisoned men is one of the most popular films of its genre, gaining multiple awards and nominations (IMDB, 2019). In 2013, over 18,000 people visited Ohio Reformatory and other film sites of Shawshank Redemption (Shulz, 2014), clearly showing the impact the film had on the public. Netflix’s Orange is the New Black, an Internet series showcasing life and day-to-day drama in a women’s federal prison, was Netflix’s most watched original TV series of its time (Denham, 2016). Media representation of prison is crucial in shaping the opinions of the public towards prison (Brown, 2013). Although media representation of prison is not depicted to be a flawless and incorruptible institution, there are recurring themes that the characters face life-changing experiences in prison, which insinuates that the prison is central to the character development of these characters. Despite prison films depicting the need for prison reform, the message that prison is a social necessity is clear. With the general acceptance of prison as a functional aspect of society as depicted in the media, this consequently makes it harder for society to contemplate the notion of prison abolishment.

Another aspect of popular culture that which reinforces legitimacy of the prison lies in penal tourism. According to Brown (2013), thousands of people embark on commercialized defunct prison tours annually. Former prisons refurbished as museums serve to educate the public on the historical aspects of the construction and need for prisons. Welch narrates that penal tourism is an instrument for the social construction of the “dream of order” (2015, p.92). The dream of order is defined as the notions of punishment that are mandated in order to maintain society (Welch, 2015). This is illustrated through penal museums that educate the public on the ideals of order which shaped society as it is today (Welch, 2015). Taking a look at the Argentine Penitentiary Museum, Welch found that it is used by state officials as a means to convey a certain narrative about “Argentine penology and state making” (2015, p. 33). This was done so by highlighting aspects of penal reform that shows the Argentine state as benevolent and withdrawing information that could potentially stain the state’s reputation (Welch, 2015). Welch (2015) concludes that penitentiary museums promote legitimacy of the state and the ways in which it has used punitive measures in order to protect and maintain society. Museums are widely accepted by the public as a legitimate social authority and hence, the cultural transmissions and messages that they portray are likely to be unquestioned by visitors (Welch, 2015). Therefore, if institutions like museums convey messages of prison legitimacy, society would be receptive to the notion of prison as a form of social control as it has successfully done so throughout the course of history.

Hence, media and penal tourism are elements of popular culture that inform and shape society’s perceptions of prison. It is difficult to think of a society without prisons when its importance and impact on society are propagated through popular culture. If society has been indoctrinated through various mediums of the legitimacy of the prison institution, it would then make it difficult to imagine alternative ways of punishment and how society would function without prisons.

3. Prisons in Economic and Political Spheres

The previous sections have shown how prisons have permeated society through the prevalence of penal culture and the image of prisons in popular culture. This section will show how prisons have permeated the economic and political spheres of society. With the global prison population seeing a 24% increase since the year 2000 (Walmsley, 2018), this paper suggests that this rising of the prison population is partly due to the popularity of both penal populism and the privatisation of prisons resulting in the commodification of prisons (Scott, 2013).

In the past three decades, there has been a global shift towards increased incarceration rates and policies that promote harsher punishments for offenders (Fenwick, 2013). This punitive discourse on crime control is echoed through western societies like the United Kingdom (UK), and the United States (US) and even Southeast Asian societies like Japan (Fernwick, 2013; Pratt, 2007). Penal populism can be described as the public’s general anxieties towards the prevalence of criminal activities in society and how the current criminal justice systems are in dire need of reform (Pratt, 2007). Penal populism is also a political discourse in which the political elites wax lyrical on criminal justice reformations and the need to be tougher on crime therefore pandering to the public’s anxieties towards crime and social disorder (Fernwick, 2013). Similarly, Roberts suggest that it is “a set of penal policies designed to win votes rather than to reduce crime or to promote justice” (2002, p.5).

Penal populism is a discourse that politicians often engage in to win over the votes of the public. Pratt (2007) suggests that then US president Clinton paved the way for electoral success based on penal populism. Clinton spearheaded the Democrats to presidential victory in the US by championing a campaign that promoted the death penalty and mass incarceration (Pratt, 2007). In the year 2001, the UK’s then New Labour party held the motto ‘tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime’, which proved to be effective as they managed to achieve electoral success that year (Newburn and Jones, 2005). Politicians in New Zealand emerged victorious as well when they applied a similar motto for their political campaigns (Pratt and Clarke, 2005). In Japan, the waning of the public’s confidence in their criminal justice system was one of the antecedents to the introduction of greater public involvement in the criminal justice sector (Fernwick, 2013). Emerging political opponents gave emotive arguments on the demand for justice and harsher punishments, using tones of alarm and anxiety, which eventually won over the public (Fernwick, 2013). The pattern is clear across geographical locations, that politicians exploit the anxieties of the public towards crime and disorder to push their own political agendas.

Penal populism has caused the demonisation of criminals, resulting in the legitimisation of harsh punitive policies. Clinton mandated the ‘Three Strikes and You’re Out’ policy that places recidivist offenders in life imprisonment (Pratt, 2007). In Britain, political rhetoric of the Conservatives saw the prison as a site for social exclusion for deserving individuals who are seen to be “immoral” (Scott, 2013, p.49). In New Zealand, public sentiment managed to convince politicians to reform the 2002 Sentencing Act to impose stricter punishments, one of which are long and often indefinite prison charges for sexual and violent crime offenders (Pratt and Clark, 2005). In England and New Zealand, where penal populism was most effective, England saw its prison population rate “rate increased from 88 per 100,000 of population in 1992 to 145 in 2006” while the latter country saw an increase, “… from 128 in 1995 to 189 in 2006” (Pratt, 2007, p.23). Although situated in different geographical locations, there is a similar template that can be derived from the above examples of the effects of penal populism- that the public generally feels that there is a need for more punitive measures and there is a dissatisfaction with their current criminal justice systems, hence allowing politicians to tap on their anxieties to pursue their electoral interests. In each of these scenarios, the exacerbated use of prison as punishment seems to be the only way to satiate the public’s need for harsher punitive policies.

Prison has been so ingrained in the economical realms of society such that it has become an aspect of economic life (Levin, 2014). Levin (2014) explains that the normalisation of prison as a commodity was symbolised by the Belgian-Dutch exchange. In 2009, 500 Belgian prisoners were sent to Dutch prisons in exchange for an annual payment of £26 million (Levin, 2014). This Belgian-Dutch was beneficial for both nations as Belgium could not accommodate its growing prison population whereas the Netherlands had plenty of prison space that were left vacant (Levin, 2014). Although it may seem to be a justifiable deal as it is in the interest of both nations, the inmates’ rights were left neglected. Levin (2014) observed that the well-being of the inmates was not recorded and being sent to a Dutch prison would make them vulnerable and incapable of reporting abuse. The privatisation of prisons is when private corporations are in-charge and provide prison services when it is supposed to be a public sector responsibility (Levin, 2014). This has led to the commodification of prisons and exploitation of labour of inmates as a source of profit (Levin, 2014). According to Thompson, inmates are a lucrative source of cheap labour for corporations to exploit, especially in the midst of an economic downturn (Thompson, 2012). Thompson (2012) also suggests that Americans think that prison labour is economically beneficial for society. Privatisation of prisons occurs in places like the UK, Australia, Mexico and South Africa. Private sectors are increasingly managing prisons to meet the demand of the increasing prison population (Allen and English, 2013). However, the nature of for-profit prisons disincentivises proper funding for the well-being and rehabilitation of inmates to cut costs. Private prisons are often insufficiently equipped and are breeding grounds for abuse of inmates (Thompson, 2012). Furthermore, Appleman (2018) suggests the nature of forced labour on inmates is reminiscent of the practices of forced work imposed upon slaves before slavery was abolished, especially since the racial makeup of private prisons in the US are mostly of minority races.

In politics, politicians often exploit the anxieties of the public by promoting punitive policies. These punitive policies utilise prisons as the most vital and in some cases, the only means of punishment. In economics, privatisation of prisons as a response to the overpopulation of incarcerated individuals instead of looking into the structural causes of mass incarceration legitimises the use of prisons as a tool of crime control. The casual exploitation of the labour of inmates point towards the normalisation of prisons such that mass incarceration is not seen to be a societal problem but instead, an opportunity for business corporations to utilise cheap labour. Hence, it would be difficult to imagine a society without prisons as it is prevalent in the economic and political spheres of society.

Conclusion

It is difficult to think of a society without prisons because the idea of prisons has infiltrated the cultural, economic and political realms of society. Penal culture informs the public on the deterrent, rehabilitative, incapacitation and retributive functions of prison. Prisons' presence in popular culture; in the media and in penal tourism legitimises the use of prisons by validating its importance in crime control. The idea of prisons as a form of social control is propagated by politicians who utilise penal populism in their campaign rhetoric. Prisons have also shown to be beneficial to the economy in part of business corporations profiting from exploiting the labour of prison inmates. Hence, its existence in various facets of society makes it difficult to imagine a society without prison.

Although this paper has briefly included the problematic aspects of prison, how its effectiveness is dubious in the realm of academia and how it is exploitative and potentially neglects the rights of incarcerated individuals, it is hard to shift towards a paradigm of prison abolition as there will be gaps in society where prison has filled the notions of punishment and crime control. However, prison abolitionists would argue that the pain and suffering caused by prison institutions should be an impetus for society to question the norms of imprisonment (Scott, 2013). Davis (2013) contends that instead of relying on imprisonment to control crime, society needs to take responsibility for the structural inequalities and social problems that beget the need for prisons. In order for society to be able to accept prison abolition, the factors that make it hard to imagine a society without one as outlined in this essay need to be addressed. As mentioned by Davis (2012), an entire revolution of society’s current institutions is needed in order to imagine a society without prisons. Davis (2012) suggests that there needs to be a demilitarisation of education systems, free and accessible physical and mental health services and a justice system rooted in reconciliation and reparation. However, such a feat would require a lot of determination and willingness from society to entertain alternatives to prison. Therefore, it is only difficult to imagine a society without prisons insofar as society is unwilling to undergo major changes in dismantling deep- rooted socio-economic and political problems that result in the dependency on prisons.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

MERCURIAL

I received another call today. My sister's teacher said she hasn't been going to school, and I know this, because I can see her at home, asleep when she shouldn't be. Her teacher said she's told him just last week about the depression diagnosis and her new meds. He says he suggested a deferment of her school semester but she refused because she wants to get school over and done with. I can see it from her point of view, with her brain on depression mode and the fact that she's already stretched out her school years long enough, school must be dreadful to finish even later than she absolutely has to. Conversely, I also see her teacher's point, in that if she does defer and tries to only cope with her mental health, and if she succeeds, school may be much more within her means and less dreadful if her brain isn't in depression mode. I'm tired, I'm trying to think of the next time the family will talk about this, and my mother has to be coaxed to be more understanding towards my sister, and my sister has to be coaxed to be nicer to herself. Sometimes I really feel like even though Lyssa can at times be my best friend in the world, it's not healthy for both of us to live in the same house because when one of us is depressed, the other's mental health obviously is affected as well. I hope my sister will be stable when I am away for school. My family still needs a lot of guidance in interacting with people with mental health issues. I know my sister is not technically my ward, and I am not responsible for her, I did not sign up to be her or anyone's mother, but I recall very well when I went through my miscarriage and my mother didn't respond the way I needed her to, and I was lost, even at 26 or 27 years of age. My sister is 23 this year. She has the same mother that I do. I don't want her to go through the same feelings that I had to, not if I can help it. I really hope these meds work for her. I keep running into money issues and although I joke about it, Lucas is not my sugar daddy and I do not use his money unless I absolutely need it, and I also don't like feeling indebted to him, or to anyone. People who don't think money can buy happiness clearly don't have enough money. I always say if you have money, you can always try to find the right therapist for yourself and suddenly your problems will fall into perspective. It may not be constant happiness, but at least you won't be depressed. I'm gonna try to sleep.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

RED LOBSTER

So in my recent times, I was wearing a dress that you might call revealing, because it had a plunge neckline as well as being short for someone of my height. I was sitting outside a mall, using my phone, near a smokers' area, so there were many other people smoking and using their phones. There I was minding my own business, when a security guard came up to me and said "sorry, miss, but there are people looking at you" and from then on, I felt uncomfortable, so I went into the mall and walked around instead. I told this to everyone I knew, and one of them said perhaps the guard was trying to be nice and helping me out. Personally, I would say that could have been his well-meaning intention, but it still made me uncomfortable. I didn't appreciate it for the fact that he told me, because I'd gone from being in my own space and feeling myself, to feeling like I had done something wrong and had to move away. I also thought it curious that he felt it was his business to tell me when I was alone, and as much as I ponder it, I don't think he would have done the same if I had a male companion and other men were still staring at me. This means that as a woman on my own, I would need to be policed and looked after, whereas with a man, the man would have been enough authority that I wouldn't need any other person to save me. When I told this anecdote to multiple people and one of them told me the guard was trying to help, this person also said, so you'd rather if people didn't say anything? So if you were witnessing a rape, you wouldn't have helped? And this triggered very strong emotions in me. I told this person outright, that that was an inane ridiculous parallel to have made. First of all, the guard made the decision to inform me that people were looking at me, meaning that he thought I should be changing my behavior to fit my surroundings. If I witness a rape, I'd be stopping and bashing the rapist, not focusing on the victim at the time of the incident. This person I was talking to completely missed the point that by talking to me about my attire instead of telling off the men whom he thought might have been indecently leering, he was essentially giving off the signal that men own women's bodies, that if I'm dressed skimpily, that they have the right to leer at me, and that they cannot and shouldn't be stopped. On the one hand, I'm cool with it, myself and my big dick energy, I get enough stares regardless of my clothes so I know assholes will be assholes. On the other hand, the guard clearly doesn't think it's okay for the men to be "looking at me", so why did he talk to me about it instead of the other men? Because he's a misogynist who thinks women should only fit themselves into spaces that the men allow them, that's why. Further on in my conversation with said person who made the "rape example", I said this is why I think I belong in LA or NY or anywhere with more liberal values than in Singapore, because my tits could be showing through my clothes and people would be comfortable enough with it to allow me to be me. This person then said, these are different places with different values, of course you can't expect Singaporeans to react the way those places do. Then the person brought up that they had also watched Knock Down The House, and they didn't understand why I'd want to move to the US, where there is constant turmoil and people are still fighting for insurance and gender equality, etc. I figure the person probably meant also the Alabama situation, where they basically overturned abortion and reproductive rights by decades, but by that time, I realized we had very different views and it was a night I didn't wanna spoil by talking politics. As with everything else, it eventually has to resurface though, so here it is. First of all, as I recall, I've only mentioned my desire to move to either the West Coast or the East Coast of the US. Those two states have vastly different state laws than the Midwest and wherever else might be backwards in USA. The USA is a gargantuan mix of lands and people and therefore, politics, but there are federal laws and then there are state laws. I consider myself well-informed enough to know where I would fit in and be happy, and obviously I would not ever choose a red state like Alabama. Also, as compared to Singapore (which has no mininum wage so a retail worker like me is never presented as having as much value and worth to society) New York State's minimum wage is $15USD an hour, which is SGD$20/hour. This means that I could be doing the exact same job that I have right now and I'd be earning more than twice as much. When I was in New York, I was happy because regardless the state of politics, the people there care enough to riot and make a big fuss and fight for people who are being failed by the system. This is the state that voted in AOC to overhaul their previous Congressman with all his money and connections, for fuck's sake. In Singapore, the motto is keep your head low, and to live and let live. I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't live by that motto. This person I had this conversation with, they said I couldn't dress the way I'd be able to dress in LA/NY, because I'm not there and I should mind my place, but then they also said they didn't understand why I'd want to move to the US, because with a grand old paintbrush, they decided to paint a nation of fifty states with one similar stagnant color, the way Singapore has always been. I don't like my own decisions to be undermined, it might have taken ten years longer in my life, but I know where my happiness lies, and this country I was born in ain't it, chief. This ain't it.

Friday, May 17, 2019

KENDAMA

I received rejection emails from two of the colleges. I guess I've been expecting it, but of course I'm still really bummed. It makes me really sad and I feel like I wish I were better at life. It just feels like I've been living so haphazardly, and the worst part is that Singaporeans tend to have a cookie-cutter route in life, so I just feel more and more inadequate and incompetent. I know I'm not the only one trying and perhaps not succeeding at something, everybody has made attempts to improve their situations in life, everybody wants something, and sometimes don't ever get what they want. Some people want to study, some people want better work opportunities, some people want babies. I'm exhausted, it's been a tiring week and I just want to sleep. I saw a butterfly at work two nights ago, at first I was excited about it because butterflies are supposed to be a sign of change and metamorphosis, and now I realize it might have been dead, which would then signify stagnation, and the fact that no matter how hard you want it to, some things never change.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

REYNOLDS NUMBER

I went to the CUNY student center website and the status of each application is still pending, it still says it's being reviewed. So I went to Google it, and apparently applying through CUNY, it doesn't send my applications to all four colleges at once. They send it to your first choice, then wait for the status to be confirmed, and in the case of a rejection, they send it to the second choice on the list, and so on and so forth.

Anyway, we were at work and we wrote letters for Father's Day and eventually this photo was taken.


This was the content of my letter:
Dear Dad,

We are writing a letter each to our fathers. From the things going round my circle of colleagues, it sounds like half of us don't have the healthiest relationships with our dads. We are making jokes about it but it clearly affects us more than we'd like it to. Perhaps there is a lot more to being a father than simply having children. I thank you because seeing the way you and Mom raised your children equipped me with the knowledge of what to do and what not to do. Perhaps the things you've done are due to things that have happened to you that you have been unable to process. I hope that one day you have the courage and initiative to seek help, so that you can correct the behaviors I think don't reflect as good traits for a parent to have. Maybe one day you will be financially responsible, you will be faithful, you will be a good role model for your kids, and so that you can be proud of yourself. This is my sincere wish for you, so that all your kids would be able to see how far you'd have grown and developed.

Happy Father's Day,
Sarah

Sunday, May 12, 2019

OOH BABY DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S WORTH?

Yesterday I had a great birthday lunch with Pamela, and then I met Han for a chill dinner. Both were great, I filled them in about Lucas and they all want to meet one another. They asked what I felt about Lucas, and how it's been different from the other people I've dated. I told them Lucas seems much more dedicated and committed, like I have not had a moment of worry or doubt. I've gotten so used to being anxious in relationships or in dating, like wondering why someone hasn't texted back, or why I feel ticked off at something they've said, but it's so far been smooth-sailing and stable and calm, and I could get used to this.

This morning, Lucas sent me a text:
Just want you to know that I did in fact dream of us tonight. It was a really wonderful dream in which we were an elderly couple. We looked like dates but we were cute. Not gonna lie, this is something i want to work towards. This dream has got me feeling so much right now.

I really love you a lot Sarah. There are so many reasons to love you each day.

I love your qualities. You are a strong, wise, caring and resilient woman who has been always been able to move forward through everything life has thrown at you. You are like a superhero to me.

I love how I can be myself around you. I can be vulnerable and truthful without fear of judgement or ridicule. You are supportive, kind, understanding and so gentle with my heart.

I love your kisses. I love your smile. I love your smooth skin. I love your boobs. I love your cute dimple smile. I love your manja energy. I love your BDE. I love and appreciate how much effort you put into us.

This is just a small sample of the many reasons why I love you from what I’ve discovered so far. As our relationship grows I cannot wait to continually find new reasons to love you.
I sent a screenshot of the text to Tami, a friend from work, and she said this: OMAGAAAAHHHHH KYAAAA!!!!! Lucas is THE MAN! Pls proteccc him at all costs this kind of man is critically endangered!!

I laughed aloud when I read critically endangered. Don't I know it, my love, don't I know it.

Friday, May 10, 2019

KIRBY

Me when I don't have a boyfriend: men r trash the entire male population needs to level up
Me when I have a boyfriend: men r trash the entire male population needs to level up but also


Thursday, May 9, 2019

TELL ME, PRINCESS

The past two nights, Lucas called after I ended work and we talked about past dates and past lives. He said he had a pet lizard when he was young and I asked him for an estimate of how big it was, and he said 27cm. Twenty-seven centimetres!!! Does it seem like I can gauge how long that is??? I told him to tell me in terms of like an arm or a shoe or something. He says I have BDE, which I kinda do, truly, when I'm not in a depression phase. We went to the REWILD climate change exhibition today, it's based on Netflix's documentary Our Planet and it was interactive and pretty cool. Then we went to pop his chili crab cherry at Newton Circus Food Centre, which he gave a solid 8.4!!! We went back to his place, which he shares with two cool girls. It has a rainbow scarf hung above the window and posters of badasses like RBG, and on one wall his housemate has post-its pasted all over. Green ones are things she wants to promote or see flourish in Singapore, and they include but are totally not limited to: guilt-free breaks, vulnerability, honoring discomfort, spectrums and fluidity, revisionist histories. White ones are things she'd like to see less of in Singapore: binary thinking, capitalism, scarcity and competition, andro-centrism, gender and sexuality, heteronormativity, etc etc. She's basically a person I want to be!!!!! Also, she's lesbian so I would totally date her!!!! I'm dating her housemate instead. Today, Lucas said he would delete his dating apps because he didn't see a point in seeing anyone else, so we both did. This man has handled my heart with such care and caution, I am endlessly amazed at how gracious he is. He turns 27 at the end of this year, and I remember saying a while ago that I would only date men over 30 because they would have "mature" mindsets. Then I think the past three men I have dated (Lucas, Bennett, Adam) were all younger than I am, and I realize, as with my colleagues, that even a couple of years can make a stark difference in society and mindset. The younger generation seem much more open and sensible with their feelings, boys are hopefully more encouraged to be in tune with their softness and sensitive sides, and it truly shows. Saturday is my birthday and Lucas is taking me to eat oysters because we both love oysters. It is shaping up to be the most amazing year indeed. What a lovely gift. The sunflower will always bloom towards the sun.

(As always when I'm dating, I think it's much easier to follow my adventures with Lucas on Instastories because it captures the visual details better than I ever could. Lucas has blue eyes. And for now he has a hickey on his neck, AHAHAHAHA.)

Monday, May 6, 2019

C++

So it's the second day of Ramadan and this morning I posted this on Instastories:

We're going to send my sister to hospital cos she's been having chest pains through the night and we have no clue what it is but she's thought on previous nights she might be having heart attacks. And my mother is asking why i'm not fasting bc i'm not having my period. Is there any priority in this family? First of all i have a tattoo so technically i cant pray (not that i ever did) so what is the point of fasting (especially cos i dont want to, which is the bottomline)???? Second of all, you shouldn't even be putting your bodies through something as taxing as fasting when you're unsure of your own medical conditions. This fam will be the death of me.

So I went with Lyssa, she got an ECG as well as an X-ray done. The doctor said they came back normal and we have no history of heart conditions, so they gave her muscle relaxants and painkillers. If she ever dies of a heart attack, we have it on record there was medical negligence, otherwise I am glad that there isn't actually anything seriously wrong with her health.

Before the chaos of this morning, I texted Lucas a list of things for us to do, because I like lists, and it turns out, so does he. They have a pasta maker in their apartment so we can make pasta from scratch! Also he joined SIA's movie review committee and he asked if I wanted to watch the films along with him every month. What, wait, honestly, this man exists?

Here is our list. Feel free to steal any of our plans and make them your own. 

i) Mustafa centre for kebabs n curries and to walk around
ii) Geylang bazaar
iii) let you try tulang merah
iv) chilli crab and mantou buns
v) bring you to Orchard Towers
vi) Haw Par Villa
vii) JB for more food
viii) Botanic Gardens
ix) cook squid ink pasta with homemade angel's hair
x) movie reviews

We can combine some of those activities + food on some dates hehe. (Yes I text in chunks. My brain thinks in prose.)

Also, that list doesn't include our date for this week, we already registered ourselves for the climate change session. I cannot wait to see him again. My fam is whacked~~~

Saturday, May 4, 2019

LUCAS

i: We have been texting for about a week. I'm a little nervous to meet him. He's not like the type of guy I tend to date, which is maybe a good thing, considering how that hasn't worked out yet. I dress differently from how I would usually dress, it's a little edgier. I wear my sister's black Vans instead of any of my standard pink shoes. I wonder if I'm trying to curate myself the way I see him being presented on his Instagram feed. We meet at Golden Mile Complex, and have cheap Thai food. The food is not the best, I know much better cheap Thai food elsewhere, and perhaps we will have that someday. (Orchard Towers has amazing fluffy omelette. It's a seedy place, but the seediest places have the best food.) We talk about family and work. He's also gone through religious trauma with his family, and he jokes as a white person, he always wishes he had a regular chill white-person family, but I think I much prefer this Lucas than I would alternate-universe-chill-family Lucas. He works at Singapore Airlines, where my best friend is an engineer on the aircraft, but he does IT. I show him a few memes and Tweets and comic strips that relate to whatever comes up in our conversation, I tell him I have a millennial brain that thinks in terms of Tweets and comic strip panels. He says he likes the way my brain works. I like the way my brain works too, so that makes both of us. He has a Singlish accent, or at least he uses a lot of Singlish phrases but he doesn't understand and can't pronounce some things, like teh in teh o peng (iced tea with no milk). I tell him to say Taylor Swift and take the first syllable. I also explain what kena means. He has the cutest accent. It is a shortish lunch date because I have to go to work. He texts me that we were wearing matching colors, which is the first time a man has taken note of such a thing or at least mentioned it to me. We arrange to go to Art Science Museum for an interactive climate change exhibition for our next date, but we also mention that we should go to the Botanic Gardens 'cos he hasn't been. He wants to see Haw Par Villa, a sort of religious derelict place that tells stories of how Buddhist (or is it Taoist? Or something else?) people will experience Hell. There are all sorts of weird torture contraptions and it has become a trippy destination for tourists and locals alike. It's like a Ripley's Believe It Or Not: Religious Edition. He says his favorite place is Mustafa Centre, which I'm sure I have mentioned as being one of my favorite places in Singapore. It's different from the glitzy glam malls, it's cheap and you can find anything and everything, from TVs to spices. It has character and I would enjoy going there with him. I have to let him try chilli crab with mantou buns, he hasn't tried it but we both love lobster rolls (also he used to work as a cook!!! Dream!!! Man!!!). This feels like how a healthy relationship could and would start. He pays attention to me and is soft and kind and sweet. I like him a lot. Inb4 anyone asks, yes he knows I applied for school and do not yet know what my future holds.

Thursday, May 2, 2019

SHOPPING LIST

So I did the love languages quiz again, and the following are my scores. I know it's a very fluid thing, I took it six months ago and it was very different from how it is now. I like to take it every so often (like twice a year), so it is easier to love myself, and it is easier for other people to show their love for me. Love languages are valid, to me, it's why sometimes even when two people feel that they love each other and try to show it, the other partner doesn't seem to feel or sense it, if they don't have the same languages as their strongest. 

I also think it is why I make friends easily, or bond easily, because I register details about every individual, and I can roughly gauge what their dominant love languages are, and I show it to them in that form. You have to bear in mind, that the stronger a person's love language is, the easier it is for them to register or perceive love for themselves if you use that language, so even if it isn't necessarily your strongest love language, you can and should use those forms, if you want to show your love, and they will then do the same for you. To put it simply, if I speak English, Malay and Mandarin, but my dominant language is English, the best way I can understand anybody is if they speak to me in English. Simple, right?


These are the rough explanations of my top three love languages.

Acts of Service: Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.

Quality Time: In Quality Time, nothing says "I love you" like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there — with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby — makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether it's spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.

Words of Affirmation: Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," is important — hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

Between taking the quiz for love languages and reading Hold Me Tight, I really do think love and being in a healthy relationship are a science that can be learned and practised. I have done too much emotional labor for many people who are reluctant to go to therapy, people who don't like to look at their own flaws in order to correct them, people who just don't open themselves up. These are people in my family, at work, or my friends. It's tiring for me, and the simplest way someone can show me they love me, is by making a relationship (whether it's platonic or otherwise) easier, and working on themselves first. Tell me how you feel loved and how you want to be loved. Read a book about relationships, to see the thousands of times love and relationships have been troubleshot, all the hits and misses, so we can learn from them together, both the good things and bad things. As long as the things you do allow yourself to grow, and allow us to grow together, then that's a great form of love I would cherish. Everyone can learn and benefit from therapy. One of the best celebrity examples I note are Beyoncé and Jay-Z. He cheated on her multiple times, and after she came out with Lemonade to name and shame him, he finally saw a therapist. He's said in interviews that while growing up, he learned in his own personal black community and black culture that there was a certain way men had to act, and they could never talk about their feelings, so while he subverted his feelings, he kept cheating and doing things he wasn't proud of. He managed to look at his mistakes in therapy and slowly unlearn such unhealthy and abusive behaviors. I don't know why this story stuck with me, I just think you can't move on and receive better things if you refuse to look at your own problematic mindsets. Nobody said it would be easy, but we're all trying to own up to and resolve our own shit, and we can all do it together.

Anyways, here is another snippet of Hold Me Tight:
We are naturally reluctant to confront our vulnerabilities. We live in a society that says we’re supposed to be strong, to be invulnerable. Our inclination is to ignore or deny our frailty. Rather than face her sadness and longings, Carey holds on to her anger. “Otherwise I guess I’d turn into this weak, sniveling little needy person,” she observes. We fear, too, getting stuck in our own pain. Partners tell me, “If I let myself cry, maybe I won’t be able to stop. Suppose I lose control and cry forever?” Or, “If I let myself feel these things, I will only be even more hurt. The hurt will take over and be unbearable.”

We are perhaps even more reluctant to confess frailty to a lover. It will make us less attractive, we think. We recognize, too, that admitting vulnerability seems to put a powerful weapon in the hands of the person who can hurt us the most. Maybe our partner will take advantage of us. Our instinct is to protect ourselves.

When we are the loved one, we are sometimes loath to acknowledge signs of distress in a partner, even when the signals are obvious. We are unsure what to do or feel, especially if we have no template for how to respond effectively. Some of us have never seen secure bonding in action. Or we don’t want to acknowledge or get caught up in our lover’s or, by implication, our own vulnerability. It always fascinates me that when a child cries we prioritize this signal. We respond. Our children don’t threaten us, and we accept that they are vulnerable and need us. We see them in an attachment frame. But we have been taught not to see adults this way.

The truth is, we will never create a really strong, secure connection if we do not allow our lovers to know us fully or if our lovers are unwilling to know us. My client David, a high-powered executive, understands. He says, “Well, in my head, I guess I can see that always staying away from these big emotions, from my sadness and fears, kind of twists things. If I am hunkered down, avoiding every sign of upset from someone and listening for negative stuff so I can run, it does kind of limit how we connect.”

We want and need our lovers to respond to our hurt. But they can’t do that if we don’t show it. To love well requires courage — and trust. If you harbor real and substantial doubts about your lover’s good intentions, for example, if you physically fear your partner, then of course it is best not to confide. (You probably should find a therapist or even reconsider being in the relationship.)

When you’re ready to share your vulnerability, start slow. There’s no need to bare your soul. Often the way to begin is to talk about the act of sharing. “It’s hard for me to share this . . .” is a great opening. It is easier then to go on to reveal a little of what you are sensitive about. Once you feel comfortable, you can talk more openly about the sources of the hurt.

This should open the door to your lover reciprocating and revealing his or her raw spots and their origins. Such disclosures are often met with amazement. In my sessions with distressed couples, the first time one partner really owns and voices vulnerability, the other usually responds with shocked disbelief. The mate has only seen his or her lover’s surface emotional responses, the ones that cloak and hide the deeper vulnerabilities.

Of course, simply recognizing and revealing our vulnerabilities won’t make them disappear. They’ve become built-in alarms, signaling that our emotional connection with key loved ones is in danger, and they can’t be easily turned off. This probably reflects how important attachment is to us; data in a primary survival code aren’t removed without difficulty.

The key emotion here is fear, fear of the loss of connection. And our nervous system, as Joseph LeDoux at the Center for Neural Science at New York University points out, favors sustaining links between fear alarms and the amygdala, the part of the brain that maintains a record of emotional events. The entire system is designed to add on information, not to allow for easy removal. If we are to avoid danger, it’s better to err on the side of false positives than false negatives. These links can be weakened, however, as you’ll learn in the next chapter.

But even just talking about one’s deepest fears and longings with a partner lifts an enormous burden. I ask David, “Do you feel more hurt or scared when you let yourself connect with those difficult feelings and talk about this stuff?” He laughs. He looks surprised. “No,” he says, “funny that. Once I got that there was nothing wrong with me, that these feelings are wired in, it wasn’t so hard. In fact, it kind of helps to walk in there to that scary place and tie those feelings down. Once they make sense, it kind of takes the bite out of them.” As I look at him, he literally seems more balanced, more present in his own skin, than when he was busy dodging his fears and his lady’s “scary” messages. This reminds me of something my tango teacher, Francis, tells me, “When you are balanced on your feet, tuned in to yourself, then you can listen to me and move with me. Then we can move together.”

Vincent and James, a gay couple, found that out, too. Vincent moves away and goes silent when things get difficult with James. “What can I say?” Vincent tells me. “I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what happens when he starts to go on about how our relationship isn’t that happy. James wants to ‘talk it out.’ How can I talk about what I don’t know? So I blank out, keep quiet, and let him talk. But he just gets more and more upset.” We know that when our safe haven with a lover is threatened we get overwhelmed by a helpless sadness, shame about feelings of inadequacy or failure, and desperate fears of rejection, loss, and abandonment. The basic music here is panic.

As we discussed earlier, our attachment alarm system gets switched on by a sense of deprivation: we cannot gain emotional access to our loved one and so are deprived of needed attention, care, and soothing — the soothing that Harry Harlow called “contact comfort.” The second switch is a sense of desertion. This sense may emerge from feeling emotionally abandoned (“There is no answer when I call, no response. I am in need and alone”) or rejected (“I feel unwanted or criticized. I am not valued. I never come first”). Our brain responds to deprivation and desertion with intimations of helplessness.

Vincent has not been able to grasp and voice these emotions and ask for James’s help in allaying them, so they have become reactive “hot” raw spots that signal instant peril and call up his protective distancing.

If Vincent goes through and unpacks the elements of his raw spot emotions, what happens? He begins to focus in on what happens for him just before the habitual “blank out” response that James dreads so much. What is the specific cue for this “blank out”? Once he slows down and thinks a little, Vincent is able to tell me, “It’s his face, I think. I see those brows come together. I see frustration, and I know I am a dead man. And if I tune in to how I feel in my body as I talk about this, I feel jittery, like there are butterflies in my stomach, like I’m failing a test in school. When I think about what meaning this has, it’s that we are doomed. It’s hopeless. Whatever it is that he wants, I obviously don’t have it.”

James says, “And all that adds up to feeling what exactly?” Vincent calmly tells him, “Well, anxious is a good word.” And I notice that his face relaxes here. Even when the news isn’t good, it feels good to be able to order your inner world. Then he continues, “So if the next question is how does this feeling move me, make me act, that is easy. I just do nothing. There is no way forward that won’t make things worse. I just stay really still and wait for James’s frustration to go away.”

So now Vincent can describe the raw spot that gets touched in him and how it sparks off his inability to respond to his partner. He feels sad, anxious, and hopeless and tries to stay still with the faint hope that the problem will go away. He tells me that his emotions are “unknown territory” for him, so it’s new for him to tune in to them. I compliment him on his courage and openness and I chat with him about the fact that his shut-down strategy works just fine in many situations. But in love relationships, it simply alarms his partner and writes the next part of the story with a negative slant. We talk about where this raw spot comes from. He remembers that he was very confident with James at the beginning of their love and was able to sometimes express his feelings. But through the years, they have grown apart. Their distance was exacerbated when James suffered a back injury that left him in such pain that he could not bear to be touched. Vincent then began to feel less confident and more and more wary of negative cues coming from James.

James responds to Vincent, “Well, until now I never saw your anxiety. Not for a minute. I just see someone who disappears on me, and then we go off into that demon thing. It’s frustrating to talk to a blank, you know.” But he is also able to tell Vincent that he is beginning to understand how it’s hard for Vincent to put his emotional world together when James gets so mad so fast. James is then able to talk about his own raw spot and how he feels that Vincent has “deserted” him for the excitement of his acting career. When Vincent tells his partner, “I may be a big shot on the set but I still get totally freaked out by your angry messages,” he is dealing with his vulnerability in a whole new way. He is more present, more accessible.

Generally in love, sharing even negative emotions, provided they don’t get out of hand, is more useful than emotional absence. Lack of response just fires up the primal panic of the other partner. As James tells Vincent, “I get so I just want to strike out at you to prove that you can’t just turn me off.” Vincent and James are now on the elevator going down into each other’s emotional world. Changing the level of the conversation clarifies our own emotional responses and sends clearer messages about attachment needs to our partner. Then we offer our lover the best chance to lovingly respond to us.

Let’s take some snapshots of James recognizing his raw spot and how Vincent helps him in the process. Vincent asks about the cue that triggers James’s frustration. James considers, then says, “I am just waiting for it to happen now. Watching for you to ‘forget’ about our plans to spend time together.” But then James gets sidetracked into all kinds of details about how this “habit” of Vincent’s started. So Vincent suggests that James try to focus more on how he knows when this is happening. What is the cue and James’s first take that something is wrong?

As James’s eyes close for a moment, I hear the emotional down elevator begin to ding. “It’s like Vincent looks distracted. He doesn’t focus on me at all,” James says, tearing up. If we quietly stay with our emotions, they often just develop, like a fuzzy image gradually getting clearer. James continues, “So I get this lump in my throat. I feel sad, I guess. My brain says, ‘There he goes again. Off to be by himself with his book. And here I am, by myself.’ We have this lovely life, lots of things. But I’m all by myself in it.”

Vincent, who in previous sessions reacted by talking about how much he had given James and how James should be more independent anyway, is now listening attentively. I validate James’s loneliness and his longing for loving contact with Vincent. James continues to listen to his feelings, reaching for the message in his emotions. His voice goes quiet now and he murmurs, “I guess, I decide then that Vincent doesn’t need me. He is always there but just out of reach.”

Now James’s voice is even softer, and he turns more toward Vincent. “If I don’t get mad, I feel a little shaky. I feel shaky and sad right now. And I don’t want to look at you. I am thinking that you must just be put off by this. Your work is your real love. I try to accept that, but all this fear and sadness just turns into bitterness.” He passes his hand over his face, and suddenly there is a defiant anger where just a moment before I saw sadness and vulnerability. “I don’t want to be here. Maybe we’d be happier apart.”

Oops! A flip into anger. It’s hard to stay with our more profound feelings. But Vincent is brilliant. He sees that James is struggling and helps him out. “So under the frustration, you are telling me that you are shaky and sad. You want to know that it is not all work with me. Okay. I’m not good at talking about needs. I’m just learning now. But I sure as hell do need you to stop with the ‘happier apart’ bit. I’d just as soon be miserable as hell with you, if that’s okay?” James collapses in laughter.

They are on their way. They are learning to deal with raw spots in a way that brings them close.

YAM

I am physically tired tonight but I'm feeling good. It's about nine days to my 29th birthday. I like celebrating milestones and 30 is my next one so I'm looking forward to being 29 and then enjoying every step I take to become thirty years old. I was planning to write to some of the biggest/my favorite entrepreneurs in the world, to ask for assistance with tuition, should I get into college. I've compiled a list of all my Shark Tank favorites, my favorite feminist business owners, my favorite writers, etc. I don't even know the status of my application at the four colleges, but hey, it doesn't hurt to dream, right? At least it doesn't hurt yet, when your dream is not crushed. I am a remarkable person, and tonight I am at peace with myself.

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

CAPTCHA

So I saw that Knock Down The House is rated 5.1 on IMDB and I was enraged. I made an account on IMDB and wrote my own review. I will die on this hill!
I don't know who these people are who have been giving this docu 1-star ratings, but I'm betting they wouldn't have said such things in real life. They're clearly biased or did not watch the same documentary. You know you must be doing something right when people take to leaving 1-star ratings saying things like "libertard" and that they felt nothing watching this. Really? A mother lost her daughter because of their lack of insurance and you felt nothing? People are losing their health to industrial lobbyists and you felt nothing? Well boo for you, you're a heartless, money-minded robot who can't think critically for the good of a nation. Please, pay no attention to such senseless ratings, watch this and decide for yourself. 

FERGUSON

I just watched Knock Down The House on Netflix. I cannot stress the importance that you watch it. Whoever you are. It is important that you watch it. Please watch it. Please do. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is in it, but she's only one of four women who ran for U.S. Congress featured in the documentary. One of the opening scenes shows Ocasio-Cortez scooping ice in the bar she used to work at, and I related to it strongly, because it's what I still do at Lush, preparing the fresh face mask bar. It's very inspiring to see these women, because they were really pretty much nobodies, running against the establishment, running against the people with money and power, both Democrats and Republicans. Also, I follow Ocasio-Cortez on Instagram and she does stories that range from down to earth like her tending to her community garden plot and then there's her talking about the Green New Deal, that's supposed to be across political divide, working against climate change. Damn I have never had a girl crush this bad. Also, one of the candidates was Amy Vilela, who ran because her 22-year-old daughter died of a pulmonary embolism after a hospital rejected her medical test requests seeing that she had no proof of insurance. When that kind of thing happens often enough, and enough people are angry enough to organize, you can't be surprised anymore that people no longer want to support the establishment. Please watch the docu. I cried right at the end. Ugh. So inspiring. I'm so glad we saw her at the women's march.

LUST

I would like to expressly state that in the event of my death, I would like to be cremated and have my remains scattered. I'm not really particular where I want the ashes to be released, as long as I'm not buried. Do not under any circumstance bury me, I am an adult and these are explicitly my wishes. Also, I don't know why this popped up in my head, it's not like I'm dying soon, I just really, really don't want to be buried when I die.