TONIGHT YOU BELONG TO ME

The car I'm in has some really sombre melancholy string music playing and it's got me in a funk. Today I had a really nice two-hour chat with my mentor Val, and she said I provide a different perspective from anyone else's in the team. I made a jokey allusion that it could be that my brain is wired differently, due to my on and off depression. I used to really like rollercoasters and fast cars, but recently sometimes when I get into a car, my chest gets really constricted and I feel a fear, I don't know why. It's like I want to reach out to Joey to drive safely and ride safely. I think about this one time I was talking to Adam about Kafka, and I didn't know there was a writer Kafka, I thought it was just in the title of a book. I felt really embarrassed but at the same time I felt also soothed by his reaction to me. It felt like a friendly hug or him squeezing my hand. This happened while we were chatting across the world so it wasn't physically happening. Sometimes when you immerse yourself fully in any situation, it is difficult to separate the you that exists now from the you that was tangled with three, four, five men ago. I don't know if you know what Muslim or Catholic hangover is, or if I'm using it correctly, but having grown up two decades believing that at the very end of all this, I would be guaranteed a spot in eternal paradise, to switching to a mindset that when it ends, it just ends, gives me crippling anxiety at times. I want a salve to rub on my spiritual being, but I don't want to lie to myself with stretched out niceties. I think what cripples me about it ending when it ends, is the fact that this temporary place is so painful and broken. I wish people were just nice and good for the sake of being nice and good, to make this world a better place, to save someone else from their crippling anxiety, maybe. I wish there were no religions or rat races for money and accomplishments, but people helping people to get through the dreariness. I don't feel so good.

SMOKESCREEN

a rush, a glance 

a touch, a dance 

look in somebody's eyes 

to light up the skies 

to open the world and send it reeling 

a voice that says, "I'll be here" 

and you'll be alright 

Last week, Jayden sent me a message for a work stint, and y'all know your girl has to always be hustling so I said yes. He owns a production studio and was being filmed for a docuseries for CNA (it's the Asian version of CNN) and needed a model for a photoshoot. When you're the model for a shoot, they call you a talent, although I needed no talent at all. I was just born with the looks they needed. 

The inspiration for my makeup was 60's Twiggy, and my makeup artist was Benji. I loved his work on my face and hair. Honestly, I wonder why they don't call the makeup artists the talents instead, because they are way more talented with what they do. There are few things more luxurious than going for a shoot and having yourself prepped by a makeup artist and fashion stylist.

That's Josiah the stylist. It was my second time working with him, and we had so much more fun this time, maybe because I was the only model and we had more chances for interaction. I really like working with Jayden and Josiah. I think they're very conscious of cultural connotations, and every time Josiah wanted to put something on me, he'd verify whether I had ethnic ties to the accessory (like a nose ring and chain, for example). If they were taking photos of me with a cloth on my head, if it looked like a hijab, they'd style it differently, because despite being a Malay, I do not identify as a Muslim. 

In this shoot, we had three different shots and concepts, but with three different things raining on me. The first one was sparks, so Josiah stood overhead behind a partition and held sparklers that sparked down on me. I was super happy that happened, because I'd missed Singapore's National Day fireworks the previous week, but now I had my own personal ones raining down on me, and the shots looked fucking ace.

The second one was glitter confetti. It was a retro vibey concept, and for a couple of the shots, the confetti actually caught the glint of the camera flash and fell at the perfect angle near my outreached palm, to look like a diamond sparkling in the photo. The moment the snapped photo was reflected on the monitor, we all looked at it and it really looked like the photo had already been DI'ed (agency speak for editing with Illustrator). 

For shots of things raining on you, they obviously do it more than once, just to get the best option. Josiah and Xuan (the other makeup artist) collected the confetti once it had fallen onto the floor, to drop them on me once again. As the confetti was glittering like diamonds, Josiah encouraged me by saying it was a vision of my future, with riches and luxuries raining down on me.

Jayden was directing my poses while taking the photos, because if you've forgotten, I'm not actually a model. He kept saying "broken wrist, soft fingers" and one of the producers, Ami also kept saying the same thing and flicking her wrist up and down, and honestly, everything was hilarious and I had to keep from laughing just so they would get some useable shots. When she sent me the release form, Ami signed off her email with broken wrist, soft fingers, and I LIVE FOR IT!!!!!!

The last shot was with water, and they played Rihanna's Umbrella.

In between one of the shots, we were filming scenes for the B-roll, which is just extra scenes they can intersperse with regular footage, just in case of shortage. Jayden and Josiah were styling my outfit while I just stood there like a dummy, but then Josiah felt a tiny scroll-like thing in one of my blouse's sleeves, so he said it could have been a message from a child worker in India, saying "please save me" and from that point on, I could not stop laughing at the idea. I ruined the entire B-roll, they were always trying to have a conversation and I burst into laughter at the thought of it. 

Also, they used a sliding camera to pan in and out while filming the photoshoot (how fucking meta is that), and I had to glance right into the filming camera, and right there and then, I felt it. It was my Taylor Swift moment. I WAS BASICALLY TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!!!

Josiah sent me a message yesterday to tell me that it was just a piece of a broken hanger that had fallen into the blouse. Dang. I thought we could go on a rescue mission to save a child worker. Or perhaps it's better that no child workers were involved in the making of our shoot. 

The entire lights, camera, action of it all made me think of La La Land. I cannot wait till the shots are ready. They are honestly fantastic, without even needing to be touched up. The concepts and planning were stunning. Back to regular programming. Remember, when you're taking photos: it's all in the broken wrist and soft fingers. 

WE WERE MERELY FRESHMEN

I just ended my therapy session. I talked about how irritable I've been. Lucas was late to meet me last weekend and I lost my temper. I've never liked when people arrive late, I think it's irresponsible and being responsible and accountable is kinda one of my criteria of being a decent human being. However, in the past week or so, I've been just tired out from work. I've taken up more shifts than originally allocated because I need to save the money. Working at my job is physically tiring, I'm on my feet for seven hours, and our masks always have to be on. The fact that I have to wear a mask the entire time already adds a discomfort and ensures shallow breathing for half my day, but what takes the cake is seeing crowds of people who don't follow protocol for social distancing, who wear their masks the incorrect way of only covering their mouths, etc. I don't like people who make light of the pandemic, we've seen thousands of unnecessary deaths, and if you insist on doing your shopping in person instead of the online options that are readily available, at the very least do your part to keep yourselves and the people around you safe. My therapist came up with five methods to check in with myself when I'm on the floor working, I must remember to try them out and check back in with her on their efficacies. 

For some reason, this morning I thought of something I'd heard from Khalis when we were much younger. He's a Muslim, and at the time we had this conversation, I think I was questioning religion and faith. Khalis said he'd watched a video in which scientists played a Muslim prayer or gospel song, and measured the heart rates of control groups of people, finding out that the Muslim prayer had a calming effect and that the people were "at peace". He brought it up as if it was conclusive evidence that Islam was the one true faith, and that even science could back it up. I looked at him, with what I'm pretty sure was puzzlement, and let it go, but what I was thinking was, that's not a scientific experiment. Or at least the results are not very conclusive of much. They didn't play any other religious tunes or hymns from any other faiths to compare the results with, they didn't play even non-religious songs in comparison. For all you know, it could just be that the prayers were low-pitched, and low-pitched sounds from any instrument and in any language would have calming effects. Khalis is a Malay man, though, and if there's one thing I know about Malay men, they hate being proven wrong by Malay women, so I kept quiet. Why am I thinking about that now? Who knows.

NOTICE ME, SENPAI

My family has just arrived home after a drive to a 24-hour supermarket. We went together because my sister Lyssa has just passed her driving test and received her licence today. We had our parents, my other sister Aqilah and I, all trying to advise her on the drive, on the freeway, to the slope up the mall carpark, to doing U-turns. It was an entire hour of anxiety and cortisol, so I'm allowing my body some time to return to its baseline, which to be honest, is probably always pumped with more adrenaline and cortisol than found at most other people's baselines. When I am in Canada, I hope my sisters come over and take turns to drive. It will hopefully be safer in my university town and the rest of Vancouver Island, I know Singapore is just overcrowded with people and vehicles. 

Today at work, someone said my perfume smelled peculiar, and I found the remark peculiar, as well as interesting. I was wearing my Twilight body spray from Lush, which is a relaxing, comforting scent made of lavender and tonka, something akin to vanilla. Everyone else at work had said today they loved it, and they knew it because it's a signature scent from Lush, and I wear it occasionally anyways. The reason I found the remark peculiar, is because it came from my boss, and I've always liked the scent she uses, but I've never been able to place it, nor have I been able to ask her what it is. I really like her scent, but I don't know if it's because her perfume is a nice one, or because I find her very attractive. I'm still a tiny bit intimidated by her, which I think a lot of us are, and I don't know if that plays into the power dynamics as well. She has a girlfriend, and I'm also in a relationship. However, I'm mature enough to admit that being in a relationship does not prevent attraction to other people, as well as to acknowledge that repressing any thoughts and feelings would just strengthen them. My boss is also a spin instructor, and I work at lululemon, so you can expect the entire team to be fit and strong and overwhelmingly attractive. Everyone has such tight and toned bodies, and it is very hard to deny their physical allure. Today, as friends, she asked whether we liked boobs or butts, and I'm pretty sure I went around trying to stabilize my heart rate after the superior I'm attracted to was asking me that. Sometimes I literally stutter at work because I'm surrounded by such fit people. This is rather unlike me, y'all know I'm an extrovert and I'm usually very sociable. I have now been relegated to being the beta. I suppose the time had to come, lolol.

TITANS

In a recurring dream, I absorb the feelings and energy of everyone in the world. Every single dissatisfaction, every joy, I absorb all the vibes and then there is an explosion once I have absorbed it all. The explosion is a cold blue, and nothing breaks or physically moves. I think people and animals die more from the aftershock than the initial wave. The explosion wipes out all living things on Earth, and then there is peace. It feels like something I have seen on Heroes. I don't recall the storyline of that show, except that Hayden Panettiere is a cheerleader and I think the wiping-out scene is about her. I think. I find dreams very hard to describe, perhaps because they are not always lucid or easy to explain, nor bound by the laws of physics. I wish I could connect to a program that could display my thoughts, exactly as I visualize them. There must be a way this is already happening. I don't know what the dream means, maybe I just think it's a cool scene visually. Maybe.

I walked past a few schoolkids on my way to work today. They were talking about who they thought would get the top score in History in their class. I remember those days in my life. I wonder if those are the conversations that will happen in my near future. Will it be as competitive? Will it be more collaborative, given our subject of study? A year ago, I was in Japan. I am really looking forward to a year from now. Tina asked whether I was going to be in Canada for winter this year because she's planning gifts, and I think this is the cutest thing ever. It feels so adult, I don't know why. It reminds me of when white kids are asked by their mothers to write thank-you notes for their gifts.

SAFETY CAR

Last weekend, I learned a lot of things. I learned about Abella Anderson, Mia Khalifa, and gloryholes. If you don't know what those mean, don't Google them because I don't want that to be on me. I ordered truffle butter to be fancy, and Sue asked me to look up truffle butter on urban dictionary, so now I know what that is. Now, every time I spread truffle butter on my bread, I will think of something else. Yesterday was Singapore's National Day, which is when we gained independence from the British. It's only the 55th National Day. I worked the entire day, and I was absolutely flat-out broken by the end of the shift. You'd think, given that people have been working from home for months, a long weekend wouldn't actually mean anything, but we were still overworked on the retail front. Working on a public holiday can really break your spirit, and it's not worth the 1.5x pay, at all. After work, we went to Mount Faber to catch the fireworks. There were many other people there, I suppose because we had all Googled the best place to view fireworks from. We went to the peak of it (not actually very elevated but relative to the rest of Singapore, it's a peak), but I think the locations of the fireworks were changed because they know people were gonna be at home due to social distancing measures. Thus, although we were the closest to the sky, we saw none of the fireworks, only orange tints behind buildings, and heard the sounds. So typical of Singapore. I feel like they know I see nothing special here, so there were no fireworks for me. Sigh. I'm in a car to work now, I had and have no energy to deal with public transit. It's still a public holiday and I'm still working, so please pray for my soul. I actually don't believe in prayers, so it would be nice if you just dropped cash into my account, thanks. I haven't even gotten to work but I just wanna get back home to have a nice, long, relaxing, pampering shower, so I look forward to that. Also, if someone could just remind me to bring home my truffle butter from the work fridge, that would be perfect. *chef's kiss*

BLOODBANK

My mouth guards arrived, so I hope I don't grind my teeth to death. I want to get Teva sandals because I need sandals that are very comfortable, but perhaps I'll wait till I'm in Canada, so I don't have to bring them over with me. Also, when I arrive in Vancouver it doesn't seem like it'll be the proper weather for me to wear sandals, so we'll see. My cousin and I walked past a skate shop a few days ago, and I was sorely tempted to get a skateboard or rollerskates, even though I am thirty years old!!!! Last night, my heart palpitated for a bit, and I'm very sure it had something to do with the explosion in Lebanon that I read about, and suppressed in my mind for the entire day. My therapist says to let go of the things I cannot control, so that's random chemical explosions, people who refuse to wear masks, anti-vaxxers, etc. I learned a while ago, that the reasonable people who should be having kids, the people who understand the gravity of global warming, of income inequality, are more unlikely to have kids, and conversely, people who are anti-vaccine and the like, are more inclined to continue having kids. This means, a decade or two later, voting will be skewed to conservative policies because reasonable people will be outnumbered. For that one single reason alone, I would adopt if I never had my own kid.

TALLEST TIPTOES

I think my favorite moments in life are the ones that seemingly have no consequence, though are likely to set an entire timeline in motion. Playing beer pong with Solo cups before we trail off, I walk behind you on the roof. I asked why the pool had been filled in, and you respond, why would we need a pool when there's an expanse of beach to swim in, so close by? Fair point, I think. The place must have been flipped and sold for a fortune at least once by now. I walk barefoot in the grass, soft and a little brittle from the clumped up soil, wary of the blades of green that tickle and may yet cut me. There is nothing to do, and all the time to do it. Water has to be near me, perhaps because I am fiery, I am fire, all the time burning and feeding on oxygen. Unlike the blessed, I am affronted by a disregard for consequences. How could they do this, why would they say that, what does it all mean? I flicker and grow, engulf myself in flame, then I turn to that life-giving water to put it out. It feels nice, it's cool and soothing, like aloe on sunburned skin. I want to run my fingers through your hair, just barely touching your scalp for a sensual massage. How intimate and yet, by most measures, inconsequential.

THE LAST GREAT AMERICAN DYNASTY

there goes the loudest woman 

this town has ever seen

I had a marvellous time

ruining everything 

I am still very much enjoying the discovery of folklore. I like the feeling of having slightly different thoughts and emotions each time I immerse myself in a track. One day, years from now, I will listen to the same tracks and think about this time in Singapore, perhaps. I have loved having Taylor Swift as the artist I grew up with. On New Year's Eve turning into 2015, I sang (meaning I butchered) Mean in a dive bar in front of a man whose parents lived in a cosy house in Topanga. I always sing Mean at karaoke, always. Then a man played Love Story while I watched him on his turntables, and I have never associated the song with anyone else since. Last year, I watched the Reputation tour concert on Netflix with Lucas, and he somehow got brainwashed into thinking he likes her music, although he's never listened to the songs from the album again. I really like this album. I like how the aesthetic is her with braided hair walking in a black and white portrait of the woods, and I cannot wait to fulfill my cottagecore fantasies in Canada with folklore as my soundtrack. 

I know you think I'm crazy, but I always feel an affinity with Taylor. When she released 1989, I was all happy and I was dancing in LA to Shake It Off, etc, and I hadn't had The Miscarriage. Then Reputation dropped and I also had a lot of angst at men and my mother and in general. Last year, I fell in love, and Lover was released, and it was very pink and gold and rose-tinted and infatuated. Now, folklore is here, and there is a lyric of how Taylor is now buying gifts for her exes' babies. She's outgrown her angst and pettiness and I feel a little bit like that too. It's in the way I remind myself that sometimes when I'm feeling out of sorts, it could just be a simple primal human unmet need: have I slept enough and do I need to sleep? It's in the way I'm adulting and have paid my annual medical insurance premium and my second student loan interest instalment even though I haven't even commenced my studies. One day, as testament to how adult I am, I will drop my studies and start a dropshipping business and completely give no fucks about and buy into consumerism and capitalism, and that's how you know I have become An Adult, because adults are sellouts. 

I had a whole other thing on my mind but wow I went on a Taylor tangent. Did you know I'm still collecting a list of rich people I can email about partial sponsorships of my studies? I include my PayPal and Venmo and all sorts of things and I think my emails are always very funny, except when I'm depressed. Or maybe they're even funnier then. I was watching the second season of the F1 show on Netflix, Drive to Survive, and they showed an investor in Haas, who's actually dropped off, he owns a company called Rich Energy, which is like, the most douchebag name for a company? Like, who greenlights this shit, don't these people have devil's advocates? Speaking of F1, I still think Carlos Sainz has a perfect face and you cannot change my mind. Also, one of Lucas' housemates is a triathlete who competes for his country (now suspended because) and his bicycle is made of carbon fibre so it's the lightest thing ever, and I was amazed at how I could lift it easily! Lucas says it's what F1 cars are made of, so they are light, too. 

I met my SYNC group members for the first time this week after the lockdown. We're writing a proposal together to submit to a grant for funds that will funnel into mental health in Singapore. I feel very encouraged, and I'm actually glad I have more time before school to nurture it into existence. We had a really good session, we had dinner before starting work and asked questions to get to know one another, and I was so pleasantly relieved to find that we were mostly on the same wavelength, even humor-wise.

WHEN YOU ARE YOUNGTHEY ASSUME YOU KNOW NOTHING

i) A couple of nights ago, Dhuha sent me a DM on Instagram. A decade ago, we were in a hobby group (?) on Facebook, called #TVWhores, because we all watched quite a bit of TV. I think they were geekier (I mean this in the highest respect and I think I wanted to be as much of a geek) than I was, they watched Doctor Who and stuff like that, but we'd bond over Community and Sherlock, and such TV shows of that era. Anyway, Dhu moved to Vancouver for work, and I never really kept in contact with her, but she dropped me a message.

I felt an instant relief at seeing her message, because up to that point, I personally knew zero (0) people in Canada. Now I know one!!! Dhu lives in Vancouver too, but on the mainland, whereas I will be offshore on an island, 1.5 hours away by ferry (how quaint is that???!!!). I cannot explain it, it's not as if she will be holding my hand taking me to school, but my fear decreased exponentially and my excitement was allowed to be more prominent. 

I am really ready for Canada. If you don't know how Singapore is, it's like an entire country like New York City. It's a concrete jungle, and no one even sings songs about it, about how you're able to be free and creative, because you're not. I want to be in Canada, and be a faerie in the woods (HAHAHA), and sit by a creek, and do my assignments and read books, and not worry so much about climate change, because there won't be a human person being stupid and careless everywhere I turn. Also, I've seen Dhu's photos on Instagram, and it looks amazing. Trees always look so good in Canada???? 

ii) I went to Sarah's community class last week. She's starting her journey as a spin instructor, and in that one class, she made me cry. She put on this track without lyrics, and she told us to close our eyes, and to thank our bodies for having taken us so far, for having gone through all the deep and dark times for us, for still being here. I was probably having a moment in my mental health, but I was feeling proud of my body, and I shed a couple of tears.
 

I've gone for yoga and spin classes, I'm swimming more often, I run when I need to clear my mind. I just signed up for a boxing package. I haven't gone climbing in literal ages. Actually, the last time I climbed was in LA. I want to climb again to give my arms more of a workout, so I think I might take up a few climbing classes in August. 

You know, I went through a mental health journey before joining lululemon, so I'm very aware of when people overexercise to distract themselves from going through whatever they're going through mentally. I try not to do so, but I can see it happening quite often where I work. I hope I can be as good an influence on them as they are on me. I want to suggest that along with sweaty pursuits, we can claim a bit of the budget for crying pursuits (working title lolol). Physical healing can only go so far, one day when you've spent too much time at the gym, you still have to take time out and visit a therapist to talk about what's going on in your brain. I feel like lululemon could take up the suggestion in a more positive manner than other workplaces, they do offer quite extensive ways of employee welfare, and mental health is a huge part of someone's welfare.

iii) Elon Musk Tweeted a ridiculous Tweet about Das Kapital. I wonder what his partner Grimes thinks about it. Imagine being so smart you can plan to colonize Mars, and yet still be so staggeringly stupid you think pronouns suck, that leftists just want everything for free, while you amass more wealth than you could spend in your generation or your children's, or your grandchildren's. I wonder if everyone working at SpaceX is a dudebro. 

The people there must be between 20 to 30 years younger than he is, and younger generations are much more exposed to compassionate thinking. Come on, Joey, your ex- and future partners are counting on you, your partners and your friends' partners must have imparted some of their compassion to you and your dudebros. You made sure to tip generously, you paid rent when your housemates couldn't keep up with their payments, because you know some people cannot help the situations they were born in or got themselves into. Wealth is created through labor, and billionaires profit off of the labor of the working class. 

You all know this!!!!! I am manifesting all of my debating knowledge, of conviction, of persuasion, to all the people who are working with and for multibillionaires. Late-stage capitalism is not sustainable, because it works by exploitation. We can create a more sustainable system, and we must. No one needs that much wealth, and more importantly, no one should live with that much wealth, when half the world could not help being born into poverty.

FOLKLORE

Tonight is one of those nights. Personally I have had a good day, many good days. However, there are thoughts with dark edges swirling around in my brain, tonight. I think about Yemen and I think about how billionaires shouldn't exist. I think about how one single billionaire could help a humanitarian crisis because I cannot. I am literally two degrees away from a multibillionaire. The last time I spoke to Joey was maybe nineteen days ago. He asked if I was still alive. It's almost like a running joke between us, except given the state of the world, there is a lot of seriousness underlying the joke. Joey said the US is sucking so hard right now, and I know for a fact that's a red flag, for someone who loves America as much as I remember. He still works in SpaceX, still could talk to Elon Musk if he wanted to. Could I write a letter on behalf of Yemen and ask Joey to pass it on? Very likely. Is Elon Musk likely to give it any notice? Highly unlikely. Four years ago, almost to the day, I sat next to Joey in his bed in the house on Manhattan Beach and I said Elon Musk got where he was because he had white privilege. Joey said he didn't, Elon didn't have an easy time growing up, so you know. When privileged people cannot see their own privilege, they are not inclined to help those without. I don't know what Joey thinks now, four years is a long time. They say when you meet someone above the age of twenty-five, their thoughts are set for life because the prefrontal cortex is fully developed at that age. I, however, always change my views after learning new information, and I'm thirty, so I have hope. For Elon Musk, though? I'm not so sure.

MCM

Today I learned that a person I used to see in debate circles, Imran Rahim, has been accused of sexual grooming and predatory behaviors while he was a debater or while he was coaching as a debater alumni (alumnac?? Is alumni the plural?? Idk you'll have to Google this yourself). He's married to someone I would say is the most popular Instagram influencer in Singapore, Andrea Chong. I also used to see her coming down to debates tournaments to support him, etc. I say Imran has been accused because I haven't read firsthand accounts, but there have been corroborating allegations all published through a political party member whom I would think can be considered quite credible. The party member who posted the allegations seems of sound mind and employs logical argumentation procedures so I wouldn't think he would bring to light false accusations, although I could be wrong. Imran wasn't the most handsome of people, but finding Malay men in debate circles is near impossible, because as you might have figured, educational systems in Singapore are quite, quite classist. I obviously always was a little in awe and impressed by him, this eloquent and confident suave Malay law student representing the top university of Singapore. I really do wonder if the allegations are true. I would like to know, because if there's one thing I hate, it's people with power getting away with abuse. He's since issued a statement that there is no truth in any of the allegations, so I really hope the PAP (the very powerful incumbent political party in Singapore that Imran just so happens to be in) conduct a real and thorough investigation. Although some of the allegations seem to be from debating times, nearly a decade ago, I think what's important is, if you've commited a mistake or more, you own up to them and commit to the change you might have made. This is so that the victims and survivors are not gaslit, are given some sense of closure, and are not left fearing for future potential victims. Also, I didn't see Imran nearly often enough to make any kind of judgment on his character, but hearing the allegations, I'm not at all surprised. The debates circles in Singapore were rampant with predatory acts. The debates coach who used to teach me and the team I was in, was known for his shady behavior. About five years ago, although that was when I was 25 and very much already an adult, and he was no longer my coach, he still tried to ask me out alone to a bar in Clarke Quay, and I highly suspected it was to proposition me for a casual one-nighter, so I bailed at the last minute.

THE 1

I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit 

been saying "yes" instead of "no" 

I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though 

I hit the ground running each night 

I hit the Sunday matinée 

you know the greatest films of all time were never made 

I guess you never know, never know 

and if you wanted me, you really should've showed 

and if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow 

and it's alright now

but we were something, don't you think so? 

roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool 

and if my wishes came true 

it would've been you 

in my defense, I have none 

for never leaving well enough alone 

but it would've been fun 

if you would've been the one 

I had this dream you're doing cool shit
having adventures on your own 
you meet some woman on the internet and take her home 

we never painted by the numbers, baby 

but we were making it count 

you know the greatest loves of all time are over now 

I guess you never know, never know 

and it's another day waking up alone 

but we were something, don't you think so? 

roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool 

and if my wishes came true 

it would've been you 

in my defense, I have none 

for never leaving well enough alone 

but it would've been fun 

if you would've been the one 

I, I, I persist and resist the temptation to ask you 

if one thing had been different 

would everything be different today? 

we were something, don't you think so? 

rosé flowing with your chosen family 

and it would've been sweet 

if it could've been me 

in my defense, I have none 

for digging up the grave another time 

but it would've been fun 

if you would've been the one

I gotta give a shoutout to Taylor Swift for dropping a surprise eighth album, the first song of which I really like. Thanks for giving 2020 something worth remembering for. It sounds majorly different from all of her previous music. It's way more chill. The name of the album is folklore and it really describes the music.

CO-SLEEP

Dear,

I think it's time. Maybe I am in a different headspace now, maybe I'm not. I have got sunscreen on, so I'm trying not to cry it off, but I've also learned from many people that when the tears come, let them come. At our birthday celebration last year, I told you about the man who had made me feel unsafe by making a remark that was insinuated to be about what I was wearing. My reaction to this sprang up from many emotions. My body has stored many different memories in its muscles, some stored way down and buried, and I think one of them was the time I was followed home at midnight and flashed by a man at the staircase landing. In Singapore, supposedly one of the safest countries in the world. When that happened, I was again asked why I came home late, what I was wearing, and this time last year, I did not want to have to defend myself. As my best friend, I just wanted you to allow me to feel hurt and upset, even if you did not feel it with me. You said the man who passed his comment to me might have had protective intentions, but you didn't acknowledge the underlying message that if he's telling me things about my clothing, it's a free pass for other men to leer at me based on what I wear. I should be able to wear whatever I want to wear, and if men are being predatory, tell the men to stop being predatory. The onus is not on me to protect myself. A month before that, you said you felt as though we weren't doing as well in life as the other two. I still don't know if all three of you felt that way, or it was just a feeling you had. I'd never really felt such a thing, but the conversation changed, and I was happy to plan my future with your tips to help me along. You used to tell me your husband had also gone through difficult family situations in life, but he still "made it" and was taking care of his mother. I felt like you had a benchmark to cross off milestones in a person's life, and I was falling behind. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was sad you felt that way. I didn't think I was less successful than the other two, or than any of you three. Perhaps I have different milestones I celebrate in life. I celebrate being able to love and be open with my feelings, I celebrate having had mental health issues and overcoming them, little by little, year after year. I celebrate knowing when a relationship has run its healthy course and being able to end it. I celebrate being open about therapy. I celebrate being a pioneer that other people turn to for advice on what is acceptable moral behavior and what isn't. Maybe I don't celebrate success as reaching career milestones or stable finances in a world that defines your worth through your capital income, and I'm proud of this. There is so much I didn't say to you, from that one conversation, and maybe it just stung me enough for me not to know how to approach it. I have enough on my plate, never being enough for my mother, for not being religious, for having been conceived out of wedlock. I was sad that I didn't seem to be doing well enough for you. I do not fault you, we may have different mindsets and the way our friendship ended was my responsibility to take, and I take it. I do miss you, and I loved you. We had sixteen amazing years together. I have feelings for men I spent only weeks and months with, and I still do. My brain and body remember all the things I went through with you. The characters we met, like Naya and her straight-out whackjob delirium, the times we were both bitchy and mean about other people, the way you took care of me more than my own family could have. I appreciate you and I will always miss you, but I have become much more radical than a lot of people we know. I am more Marxist than the people I know at work, I am the most outspoken atheist that any of my extended family members have possibly encountered in their lives. I wish I could go back to a year ago and have a civil way of getting closure for both of us, but I am so tired. I am so sad and tired from trying to fit myself into spaces I don't belong in. I'm tired of having to justify myself and my actions and my thoughts to my family and friends and colleagues. I don't know what's happened in your life, I barely know if you're really the one who's had a child, but I will always hope for the best in your life, and I'm sure, I choose to believe you are doing the same for me. I have to tell y'all something. The worst possible way to cry, and you can trust me on this because I've gone through many variations, but the absolute worst is crying while wearing a mask so your tears and snot are wetting it through and you can't wipe it. My boss saw me crying when I arrived at work today, and she said crying is a sign of being vulnerable, and that is strength. Shoutout to Sherie, I love you, thank you for giving me time and space.

DEUTERONOMY

I woke up at 5am this morning to get to work by 7am. We did visual merchandising which is when we have new items and change up the look of the store before it opens. It was a good shift but my entire body is aching. The DOMS I've been suffering from Sunday's ashtanga class has been quite intense and it's lasted until now, I'm not sure why. 

I had sushi and ice-cream with my fellow lululemons today. I'm really easing into the family and I'll miss them a lot when I'm overseas. I need to sleep early tonight, I'm exhausted, even though I've really been trying to offload or spread out my tasks. Work has been quite good, though. There's a lot of planning to be done and I'm excited to see how the execution will turn out. 

This morning, I received a text message from Tina and it was actually everything I really needed to hear, but now I just need to shower, eat and sleep. Today I am grateful for the little big things, and for Tina. Of all the things in New York City, I am grateful to have met her.

I hope Kanye gets the help he needs for his mental health.

Also: my mom got home and she asked me to change from my shorts to something longer, because my sister's ex-boyfriend is over at our place to play games on the Switch. In this household, women don't have rights and I look forward to Canada and anywhere else I have rights.

ABERCROMBIE

I met a friend from high school who follows my previous best friends on Instagram. The friend asked me about them, and I said I didn't know anything, but they then told me the one I was closest to, might have had a baby. This brought back so many feelings, I'm trying to sit with them right now. The friend I met asked whether I'd ended the friendship over a petty reason, and then I asked myself, did I become the ultimate epitome of my biological dad having abandoned us, by dropping my friends? I don't know. A month or two before we fell out, I remember the closest friend of mine saying it was a good thing I was going back to my studies, because she thought that she and I were the less successful among the four of us in a group. I had never thought of it that way, and when this conversation happened, I internalized it instead of bringing it up with her in a healthy manner. I may always regret having all the issues build within me, and between us, until I eventually broke and instinctively decided to stop meeting her. If she's a mother now, she's in charge of molding a future life and I really hope for the best for her and her family. Unpacking all my feelings at this news is going to take an entire therapy session.

PAPER MARIO

A thing that I say to my therapist more often than not is that I'm bored. I don't know if that's actually what I'm feeling, or if I'm using the correct word to describe it, but I always say I'm bored. I'm bored by the human condition and how predictable people are, and how often people take the boring path most taken. I don't mean this in terms of career, more like in mindset. I used to work at Lush, right, and I knew someone who bought Lush stuff and said that Lush is expensive, and they wondered why, because higher prices weren't good for the customers, obviously. One of the reasons Lush is slightly steeper in price is it pays for ethically farmed ingredients, it supports socioenvironmental causes, etc. However, the thing that gnawed at me was I worked for Lush, meaning even as a salesperson or brand ambassador (as Lush calls their salespeople), I deserved to get paid a working wage. This person did not consider that the price of the products clearly factors in my wages, and I felt slighted. True, I may not have had to study very much to work at Lush, but it took me a lot of energy to constantly be facing strangers, and be "on" at work. Nobody, no matter how congenial they are, nobody is nice or wants to be nice all the time. Yet service staff are demanded to be, while at the same time not given enough respect to apparently deserve working wages. I attended a healing session for feminists yesterday, and we all shared our instances of misogyny. We talked about how women are usually unconsciously given the task of reparenting themselves, reparenting their spouses, and then also parenting their kids. Reparenting means unlearning what was taught to them by their parents and relearning what they would want to have learned instead. It's a lot of invisible emotional labor that nobody pays women for. I'm bored by people expecting me to educate them about "social justice things" and then saying it's my fault when I don't. I didn't go to school for this, I haven't gone to school for this yet. Everything I know, I read through Instagram posts, through online articles, through academic papers. I didn't pay for any of it, except with my time and energy. If I, as a retail worker, can carve out the time and expend the energy required to educate myself and keep reeducating myself, most of you with your multiple degrees must have some more leisurely time than I do, to do the same, unless you are paying me for it, in which case, sure! I'm bored by people who don't feel good about themselves and set out to make others feel bad as well. Come on, do you know how much of a cliché that is? You have got to stop thinking being broken is a good excuse to break anyone else. I'm bored that you're not doing the work on yourselves, acknowledging the flaws within you, so you can actually be better and do better for you. I'm bored of people who veer towards either the extremely emotional or logical sides of things. The former refers to my mom, who pays too much mind to her feelings, but spends no thought on her mind. The latter, to people who think they are Rick Sanchez, that think it's possible and even encouraged to boast about how brainy they are and that feelings are not real, not important. Rick Sanchez has an abusive manipulative relationship with his closest companion Morty, and his daughter Beth keeps lingering, hoping for scraps of his affection. All of them are broken, and they allow themselves to be. Also, none of them are real, which should be enough reason that you cannot be Rick Sanchez, you literally are not able to. I'm so bored by people who may be affected by toxic masculinity, who don't display the softer sides of their sexuality, or even acknowledge it fully, because of conditions placed upon them by other broken people. You are all clichés, and you bore me. I'm bored that you haven't realized that being in touch with your brain that can always be improved with more information, as well as your heart that can always expand with more compassion, would make you a much more interesting person. This world has been around for eons, and the fact that we are in this situation now, means we've all indulged in being broken for far too long. This is what happens when we're all thinking of only ourselves, without being in connection with the seven billion other people who are alive. Aren't you bored of this already? Wouldn't you want to see or know how the world could be if we all dived a little deeper, and cared a little more, to change ourselves, instead of taking everything at surface value? Wouldn't it be more interesting to see something we've literally never seen before?

WATERPIK

Today my sister told me that I grind my teeth and snore when I'm really knocked out from work. Lucas has never told me the same thing. He says he's never noticed it so he might be a deeper sleeper than I am. That means I need to get a mouth guard. I lost my retainers after my braces years ago, and I'm too cheap to replace them with real ones, so I'll find some silicon mouth guards to protect my teeth from the grinding in my sleep. I've been using sunscreen daily for the past week. I've never used skincare, apart from cleansing my face after makeup. I never really envisioned myself being old, and so have never tried to safeguard against wrinkles in old age. I feel like I'm really coming out of survival mode, and into planning mode, that I'm actually putting on sunscreen so I don't get cancer. I also have incorporated caffeine and niacinamide into my skincare routine. I don't know how effective they are, as many people have pointed out, I generally already have very clear skin, but I hope this routine proves itself to be useful as I age into my forties and fifties.

YOU'RE ONLY YOUNG TWICE

we're not in love

we share no stories

just something in your eyes

don't be afraid

the shadows know me

let's leave the world behind

take me through the night

fall into the dark side

we don't need the light

we'll live on the dark side

I see it, let's feel it

while we're still young and fearless

let go of the light

fall into the dark side

fall into the dark side

give into the dark side

let go of the light

fall into the dark side

beneath the sky

as black as diamonds

we're running out of time

don't wait for truth

to come and blind us

let's just believe their lies

believe it, I see it

I know that you can feel it

no secrets worth keeping

so fool me like I'm dreaming

HAPPY

My depression is at an ebb, and I have had almost three good and happy weeks. I must acknowledge it, lengthened periods of happy times don't come too naturally nor easily for me, so when they're here, I recognize and appreciate them. Today I went to collect my new identity card. While re-registering for it, I had to fill in my religion, and now it's stated as "no religion". When I posted it on Instagram, a friend replied that I had guts and strength. This is because the conflation of race and religion in Singapore is extremely strong, and unrightly encouraged by the government. If you're born Malay, you are automatically assumed to be Muslim and that is your identity. Being a vocally ex-Muslim Malay is not easy here, to this day I have acquaintances who don't understand that I can be Malay without being Muslim. They think that as long as my identity card states my race as Malay, I immediately cannot consume pork. Also, I am shunned, sort of on the down low, by some of the Muslim community. I think my mother feels more ashamed to admit to anyone else that I am no longer Muslim than she would feel at anything else. 

Anyway, besides collecting my card and going to work today, I had dinner with some ex-colleagues and very lovely friends from Lush. We laughed so loud we were told by the café staff to lower our voices. Amazing. After that dinner, some girls from lululemon were having KBBQ and so I joined them for that. We shared embarrassing stories and I told them about the French guy from Tinder who was very rude to me (one day when I'm in Canada I may talk about the implied prostitution but not while I still live in this household). It was a good, good, good, good night. Tomorrow I start my day off with therapy, then a work shift, followed by a yoga session (I finally managed to book a mat at Hom Yoga!), ending the night off with two friends from my high school. This Saturday, I have three Zoom sessions, two with the mental health collective subgroups and one with a healing feminist circle. I'm not sure why I've been overbooking myself so much that I don't even have time to do any actual work, but that's life. I'm happy and I'm happy to be happy.

RISE UP

I finally got to watch the Hamilton film on Disney+. If you have yet to watch it, please do. You don't even have to pay to see it in high quality now! Since the Black Lives Matter movement, Lin-Manuel Miranda has acknowledged that Hamilton the musical may be criticized for paying homage to Hamilton, a man who married into a family that exploited slavery, even if Hamilton himself did not directly do so. I love how Lin is so quick to be accountable for anything problematic he could be involved in, or that he directly created or engaged with. He says criticism is valid, instead of being defensive, and I think that makes for a better world. I have a tattoo of a lyric from the musical, that's how much I love it. Every time I watch the bootleg version on my laptop (now I will have a better version thanks to Disney+), I am reminded of my time in New York. The Disney+ version obviously has clear and crisp audio, so you can hear each lyric being rapped or sung, together with impeccable visuals, so you see the best angles of the choreography and don't miss any of the facial expressions of the cast members. It truly could be the best free way to watch Hamilton, and appreciate the lyrical genius of Lin-Manuel Miranda, barring if you won lottery tickets to see it on Broadway, which may be suspended for a long, long while thanks to the 'rona. I honestly cannot express how much I would like everyone to see it, every time someone sees it for the first time, the first thing they do is tell me they finally understand why I love it. The mood of the musical is perfectly the mood of New York City, the hustle and bustle, but also of New York City especially in the time of now. Underlying the Trump administration and all his debauchery, is a strong electric current that runs through the city, of dissatisfied people wanting to start a revolution. Hamilton was a key factor in the USA's revolt against the British to gain independence, and maybe at this moment in time, there is a Hamilton-esque figure in the world, rising up in revolution against the greedy capitalists of New York City, against late-stage capitalism. The musical is perfect to me, it's intelligent and snarky and funny and warm and brave and everything I always want to embody. I hope that when people watch it, they think of me. Not in a I-know-Sarah-loves-this-musical kind of way, but in a wow I could see Sarah writing or doing exactly what Hamilton did kind of way. Of course, Hamilton kind of sort of brought about his own downfall, and perhaps, thanks to the musical, I never will. What is history for, if not to learn from?

CUMPLEAÑOS

It's been rainy the entire night and morning so it's a little gloomy but the weather is also nice and cool. That's not usual in Singapore. I swam yesterday, for a longer time than I'm used to. It's great. It's getting near impossible to book a mat in my usual yoga studio, given the COVID-19 distancing precautions. I have sweat money to use courtesy of lululemon, so I'm thinking on whether to sign up for a Ritual gym membership. I did their online sessions during the lockdown and I like the style. It's a little scary though, when I go to a professional gym or yoga studio, I'm likely to be the least fit participant there. I do know it's not a competition with anyone else, and it's only to improve my own fitness and strength, so there's that. 

I've had two good weeks, with the aberration of the Singapore elections. That was very disappointing, but I cannot say it was too much of a surprise. We'd always known the boomers will take a longer time to come around. I'm reading Americanah by one of my favorite people in the world, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. She wrote a cute short book and also presented a Ted Talk, We Should All Be Feminists. I like the Americanah book so far but haven't gotten too deep into it to have any thoughts about it. I've also been watching Say I Do, a Netflix series where one half of a couple proposes and plans a surprise wedding for their partner. They all have had very serious issues, with health or finances. It's nice to see that they all get the amazing dream weddings they deserve. It's strange when I see such weddings happen in films, I think that's a pipe dream and unattainable, but these people are regular real-life people who may not even have the comforts I have in my life, are granted the most beautiful, special, meaningful occasions, so. I don't know what's realistic and what isn't, anymore. 

Today my mentor scheduled an online 1:1 session and I was a little nervous, as I always am. She just took five minutes to pass on some compliments that they'd discussed about some things I do at work, and also to check in on me. That was great. I am determined to make this a third good week.

SPICE GIRLS

In the past year, I've distanced myself from people who used to be my best friends or close friends. These were for a variety of reasons. They did not acknowledge toxic masculinity as being insidiously present in our racial and religious community. We don't see eye to eye in politics and they don't support minimum wage. They didn't really see systemic racism in Singapore. They're not feminist. They're not vocal enough. They don't believe in therapy. This applies to a range of people I used to meet very often, and describes perhaps up to ten people I was or still am friends with. I have equally high standards for the relationships I'm in. My partner is in a company that doesn't support black lives? I will raise the issue. He reads Marxist books written by old white men but not brown women from Southeast Asia? Also called into question. You're a Democrat but you voted for Clinton instead of Sanders? That means you still don't empathize with class issues and you're dropped. Anyway, all this to say, as long as you don't value the life of a marginalized person (black / woman / LGBT / minority / poor / disabled / immigrant, etc) as much as you do your own life, and if you don't use your voice and platform and privilege to amplify theirs, I don't think you're entitled to my time. In this aspect, I think I've made my boundaries very clear. 

JALAN KAYU

The election results are pretty much out and it's an improvement from 2015, but barely. It could have been a much better improvement and there were some extremely close battles and margins, but it still slid to the worse outcomes. I am angry. I have a right to be angry. I am sick and tired of living in a world that the previous generation brought me into, without much consideration of how I and the future generations would get through it. I am sad. I am very sad for all the efforts that went in, for all the still younger generations that could have tilted the results, the ones who are exposed to more balanced resources, but who were denied the vote, and who still have to make their ways through the same tough obstacle course, for at least the next five years in Singapore. If my generation ever leaves a legacy, I would like it to be known as the ones who took it back from the most selfish generation and carved it into a more caring, less self-centred system of living. To soothe myself to sleep, all I can think about is, at least I will be in Canada for at least the next four years. I'm sorry, Singaporeans. This country has let us down. It has let us down time and time again. Fuck off, Singapore. 

V

At 30 years old, I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I allow myself to be vulnerable and open up to the deepest joys and sorrows life can bring. I am human and I am proud of it. An important thing therapy has taught me is that there are no wrong feelings. What I feel is the right feeling. I don't have to think I shouldn't be feeling this, or it's not okay to feel this way. I feel it, and that means it's okay, because I'm still alive and life still goes on, so it must mean it doesn't defy the laws of physics for me to feel any kind of way. This applies when I'm feeling unexpectedly happy, or excited, or disappointed, or angry, or decidedly still in deep liking with people I thought I didn't. My feelings are okay, and I am okay. I voted, and it was quick, but I still felt nervous. I am but one person in my district, but it felt so big, so much beyond me. Somehow this feeling reminds me that I am made of stardust, and that I am the product of millions of years before me. That feels okay.

THE AND STANCE

I had a therapy session this morning. I brought up a recent thing between Lucas and I, and my therapist is trying to get me to be comfortable using the "and" stance. This is when I think of an incident in my story or from my perspective, I think about the incident from his perspective and I reconcile that what I feel and experience can be true and valid, AND the things that he feels can be true and valid, at the same time. This may sound logical to anyone else, but it's quite foreign to me. I don't know why, I just was never taught the exercise. I don't know why I think in false binaries and dichotomies and as if everything is a zero sum game. My therapist is trying to get me to eventually be able to have difficult conversations, by myself. I don't know about you but I'm not a fan of difficult conversations. However, I am an adult now, and I can do the adult thing, and that means having the difficult conversation. I also told her about the unexpected thing that happened. I framed it rather positively, or at least I said I saw growth, because I think there has indeed been growth and development, so she received it positively, or perhaps she has a little different of an impression than she cares to let on. Tomorrow I vote for the second time in my life, and then I can wind down and breathe for a little while.

SANDWICH GENERATION

I had a very good day. I collected a pair of sneakers that I'd won in a contest. I had dinner with Noran. I'd missed her and it was so good catching up. I was doing alright for a year or so but now before I sleep, I spend an hour wondering why people do the things they do. Maybe it means nothing. Maybe it's all just Rick and Morty. I keep rambling to myself and giggling, and nobody knows why, except for one person, but do they even know? Do they????? I have no clue. Today was a good day and I've almost had two solid good weeks, and all I need now is just some relatively good election results this Friday, please and thank you. Please, Singapore, please. Also I'm just trying to write this out but my sister is talking nonsense to me so I'm out, gotta tune in to her now. 

BIG BLUE HOUSE

I was supposed to wake up early to do some work today, but found that I'd gotten my period. I just took a Naproxen, which is the NSAID I take for the cramps. I hope it works, I had some errands to run today, and I'm really not in the mood for this. Imagine thinking someone is Joe Alwyn, but they think they're just some rando, how's that for a segue. I really need to get my work done, but I'm so sleepy and tired and out of it. Please, body, please cooperate with me, in return you may have ice-cream this weekend as a form of delayed gratification. The shit I have to tell myself, honestly, I am a child. Why do I type ice-cream as ice-cream when it's actually ice cream? Hmm.

THE SCIENTIST

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Me: this song was playing when...

come up to meet you

tell you I'm sorry

you don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you

tell you I need you

tell you I set you apart

tell me your secrets

and ask me your questions

oh, let's go back to the start

running in circles, coming up tails

heads on a science apart

nobody said it was easy

it's such a shame for us to part

nobody said it was easy

no one ever said it would be this hard

oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

pulling your puzzles apart

questions of science, science and progress

do not speak as loud as my heart

tell me you love me

come back and haunt me

oh, and I rush to the start

running in circles, chasing our tails

coming back as we are

nobody said it was easy

oh, it's such a shame for us to part

nobody said it was easy

no one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

SUPERNATURAL DELIGHT

Today, my aunt came over to teach me to sew using a sewing machine. I turned some of my old dresses that have become tight for me to wear, into cushion covers. I can use them for decorative throw pillows when I'm in Vancouver. We then watched the political party debate for this Friday's election. It's my second time voting (we're only legal to vote at 21 because the government is highly suspicious of "younger ideologies" and doesn't want to lose their power) and I had to break down to my grandma, why we need to vote opposition this time. It's not my first time saying this, but we've never changed political parties as our government since gaining independence 54 years ago. It's not a coincidence, it's because the incumbent government make it legitimately impossible for us to vote for a strong opposition, given that they don't allow strong opposition parties to form. 

It gives me hope that most of the millennial and younger population are taking to social media to voice very sound ideas, though I do hope there isn't a silent boomer majority going to vote otherwise. My grandmother says she doesn't really understand what goes on, and she's always voted for the incumbent because she votes out of fear. I try to translate the knowledge I have into Malay, so that she understands the Singaporean way of looking out for only yourself, is outdated. That the fear is only there because of the current government, and that we can foster a much healthier, more inclusive and sustainable political environment for ourselves if only we believed in it and voted for it.

Exactly four years ago, I took a plane to Los Angeles for the second time, this time by myself, and it would eventually change my life, in ways I would never expect. It was a very interesting summer. My memory (or perhaps generally everyone's memory) works much better with tactile experiences, and so that's what I remember of LA. I remember when I put my hand on someone's hand while he was holding the clutch and going from 0 to 100. I remember going to a Dodgers game and not following it at all. It was my first time at a baseball game and I got myself a hotdog, not knowing that night was going to be a heck of a night. I remember sushi and a man telling me he didn't used to like sushi until after high school. I went rock-climbing, I slept in the attic of a wooden lodge in Tahoe and watched the Perseid meteor shower. I had sticky date ice-cream. I had lots of ice-cream over two months. I learned what dulce de leche was. I learned what horchata was and really liked it. That was still in the time of Obama so things were still relatively very, very good. It's a very romantic place and I understand why legions of people flock to it, and stay there. I remember everything. Sometimes I forget, but today I remember how it feels to have love coursing through your veins and pumping through your heart to stay alive and to feel alive. I think it's time for a rewatch of La La Land.

v2.0

I went to have dinner with Aileen sometime earlier this week. On our table, there was a bookmark-shaped card that had prompts on it for conversation starters. It was designed so that you'd put down your phones and engage fully with your meal companion. Our question was "what is the most awkward experience you've had with a crush?" Aileen went all the way back to kindergarten, when she told the boy she liked that they had to hold hands because the teacher said so, although the teacher hadn't.

Mine was comparatively much more recent, which is possibly not a good thing. When I was in high school, I had a big crush on a senior called Khalis. I thought my crush was pretty obvious to everyone around me. A couple years later, after we'd both graduated and were in different schools, my best friends got him to be at my birthday party, because I wanted to learn to play drums so they'd engaged him to teach me to drum. I never knew the arrangement, whether they were paying him or whether it was for free. 

Anyway, so this Khalis guy, he was the coolest dude in my mind. He danced, he drummed, he drew (because he's an architect). When I went for drumming sessions with him, I never knew if my heart was pounding because of the goddamn DRUMS or because lord, he was so near me, and I think, or I know for sure, he knew the effect he had on me. 

After a few sessions, I told myself, what the hell right, fuck it, I only live once. I told him in no uncertain terms, that I liked him and I wondered if he'd actually go out with me, or consider me as a partner, or something. He then said "Sarah, you know if I wanted to sleep with you, I would have done it easily because I know you would, right. You're a cute person but I think we're good as friends." 

I burned up in embarrassment. That was maybe the first bout of real rejection I'd ever faced, mainly because he brought up that he could have slept with me if he wanted to, and let's be real, it was probably true. To this day, I wonder if it was the best way he could have done it, to have given me absolutely no hope nor leeway, or the worst, for being so brutal. 

For months and years, I still admired him and placed him on a pedestal. This went on and on until maybe a couple years ago, I realized he was literally just another guy and didn't see him as being integral to my life. I think the last time I talked to him was legitimately two years ago. 

Khalis was the guy who actually told me I remind him of agape love. First of all, I don't know if that's just a thing men say to girls who like them but whom they don't have reciprocative feelings for. If that's a thing, someone needs to tell me now, so I stop feeling this amount of special, lololol.

All this to say, through the entire thing with Khalis and actually just through my life, I've never known whether guys were flirting because they liked me, flirting because they knew I liked them and because they could, or they were not flirting at all and it was all genuine platonic friendship on their part, and I misconstrued it because of the feelings I had. I like to think I'm more mature now, but am I, really? In many ways, I suppose I could say I am but in other ways, maybe not.

LORD AND SAVIOR

It's been a good week. I swam three times, I cooked great meals, I went to therapy. I finally celebrated my 30th birthday (two months late, lol) at Odette, now that restaurants are open with safe distancing. Odette was bougie af but I still think Jaan was better. I woke up at 7.30am this morning for a swim, and perhaps that is why I'm extremely sleepy now. I love swimming, it literally exhausts me and calms me such that I cannot begin to describe everything that's happened this week. I had good feedback at work, therapy was useful to throw out things that have been on my mind and have my therapist see them more for what they were, than I could. Tonight I'm on a call for the mental health collective I'm part of. I wrote a proposal for them this week. I'm on another committee in my lululemon store that I'm writing something else for. I would like to finish writing everything I have to write so that I can get a bit of actual rest next week. The Hamilton film is out on Disney Plus this week, does anyone have an account that I can bum off of, HAHAHA. Tina and I planned to have a video call today, and I'm really looking forward to seeing her face. Happy 4th of July, y'all.

AUGIE JEONG

Tina told me about a show called Love Life. It stars Anna Kendrick and is about her going on dates and being in different relationships until she, apparently, meets The One. Also, according to the show, by the time you find The One, you would have been in seven relationships, fallen in love twice and been heartbroken twice. I'm watching it now, courtesy of VPN and Tina's HBO Max login details. In the first episode, it snows in New York and she goes to karaoke and has a meetcute with a guy and as Tina very accurately predicted, I was reminded of my own adventures, and I keep squealing at the episode. As you can well tell, I am very much in love with being in love. 

Over the course of this week, I've also finished watching Lenox Hill. That's a hospital documentary on Netflix, which I would say is the best Netflix show this year. It follows two neurosurgeons, an ER doctor and an OB-GYN through their lives in Lenox Hill, a hospital in Manhattan. It shows how the doctors are skilled beyond measure with their deft hands in surgery, or with coaxing women in labor, but also how human they are. They constantly try to help patients who come in from off the streets, suffering from drug abuse, without proper insurance coverage, etc. Sometimes when their patients suffer or die, you can see how the doctors have to soldier on bravely, looking hopeful for the sake of their myriad other patients, whilst inwardly smarting from the pain of seeing tumors recur, family members devastated and not being able to help. I really enjoyed it because it provided such an insight into hospital life, with very real people issues. The OB-GYN is an African-American lady who has so much on her plate, and she always talks about how she wants to be a part of the representation for young black girls who want a medical career. I loved the series. 

I talked to my therapist about getting on anxiety meds because of my panic attack. She doesn't like the idea because from the work we've done together, she prefers that I get attuned to my feelings, not avoid them. I understand her concern but I also told her that my panic attack was no walk in the park. It gets so exhausting, to coax myself for hours to be okay with literally not breathing properly, to sit with a sadness that sometimes I'm scared I may not even be able to handle or tolerate. I'm so tired and sad at the slightest things that people can so easily not think about. I'm sad at the fact that I only found out about heavy things and feelings at 25ish. Before that, I had a rather comfortable life. I'm sad that kids get much more stressed these days, at younger ages, because of issues like the world literally burning up, then also economic inequalities and racism, and so many toxic things. You want to protect younger generations from the full knowledge of bad stuff, but you also don't want them to be complicit in discrimination and benefiting off their privilege. 

Oh my God, there it goes again. The high-functioning depressed person in me has rambled on about the depressing reality of life. Why does anyone even let me get away with this? Why do I have to face my deep feelings when literally no one else seems to have the same depth of feelings? Who signed off on this? I'm going to end this the same way I always do, which is that I need to sleep it off. 

Oh yeah, I'm probably deferring my studies to the January semester because of COVID and visa issues, in case you needed a reason as to why I am always in this funk, that I cannot seem to get out of. Why does my therapist not want to give me medication? I am not completely okay!!!!!! 

I don't want to be me anymore. Sometimes I think I'm one move away from completely losing it. I want to check into a mental health facility, but what I mean is I want a month-long holiday by myself in an isolated place like Bhutan, when actually what would happen is I would get mistreated by the paltry mental health services in Singapore, and my life will spiral ever out of control until I die of a cliché drug overdose. So, the lesser evil is to carry on with capitalism and earn money and pretend earning money and being "productive" makes life worth it.

I would like to remind you that Lyssa and I have both biological parents who have had mental health issues (and our mother had cancer) and neither parent has ever gone to therapy nor tried to solve their issues in a healthy way. Both Lyssa and I are not in terribly great places in our lives. If you are considering having children or you do have children, please be open to constant checks on your own states of mental health, please and thank you.

BIRD'S EYE

Dear Adam, the night we broke up for real, you had a panic attack and I was very worried about you. Seeing the political movements in New York City reminds me of you sometimes. I hope you are doing really well with your partner and I really hope you cope in the most stable way possible, even with everything going on around you.

Dear Ben Glaser, often when I do things in Singapore, I see little spots of where we did things together. Those moments have always remained and will always remain uniquely ours. I remember how insanely fast we got to saying I love you, and to this day, that remains true. The museum, the takeaway food, when my mother pretended to feed you mango while we had a video call. You are different from anyone else, and I will always remember pigeons in New York with you.

Dear Bennett, when I met you I remember how comfortable things felt. For the first time in a long time I felt how easy it was to connect with someone just by being myself. Nothing I said had to be contrived. The cat, the board games, the food, and the books. I will always remember our first date in Central Park, and how you made me only believe in Hinge for dating apps. I think you are a wonderful person and I hope you know that.

Dear Joey, I didn't know you well enough to have all the feelings for you, and yet I did. Who knows how? Certainly not I. I have always made qualifiers for you, wanting to believe you to be a perfect person that no one is. Oh, maybe he's changed, oh but maybe he does believe in defunding the police, maybe he's also out there protesting, maybe he really was busy, maybe his words from long ago meant something different than what I thought it meant. I don't know if that's love, but that's what my mom does for me, and she says she loves me so, I suppose I've inherited that from her.

Dear Lucas, I love you very much. You have been the source of much of my happiness this past year. I'm afraid of being in a long-distance relationship with you because I did that with my ex from school, and it didn't pan out all too well. You're a brilliant person, and I wish I had all my issues sorted out so you didn't have to constantly be the one stable person in this relationship. I want to give you your raving opinions of Better Call Saul but instead I am only Breaking Bad. I don't know how you have stayed with me through this entire season, but you make me laugh when I least expect to. Thank you.

Dear Tina, I miss you so. I loved your random statements (of fact or opinion) while we walked around, popping into every other shop just to get out of the cold of winter. "People always think that rising divorce cases are a bad statistic, but they don't consider that women used to stay with their cheating or abusive or incompetent husbands because the women had no means of supporting themselves. We've now progressed to where women are independent enough to do better for themselves that they can leave their husbands." At times like tonight, I do wish I could talk to you about the mess that is in my head, and listen to your sage words that might make me cry, but somehow feel wise and better afterwards. I know, however, that you have your own things to process, from being in New York, from all the things happening there, from life. I just hope you know how much I miss you.

I feel a love for people, and learned it's called agape. This means that I don't have to be remotely related to or acquainted with someone for me to care about their safety and well-being in society (inasmuch as they also care for other strangers). I hate it that all the people I loved, I've lost them as friends. 

WAVES

There are several things that have happened this week, most of them good. However, my feet have been consistently numb and I feel dizzy when I move or turn my head to do anything. At the end of last week, I got really worried I was going to die on that night and I could not, did not go to sleep till 4am. When I read them all together, they could be a panic attack but I'm not a doctor so I'm not sure. They could all be isolated. I might need to get on medication. I've taken anti-anxiety meds before (in 2017) but they didn't make me feel very good and so I stopped. I don't even remember which drugs those were. Sometimes I get a little paranoid and worry too much about things, then I talk about the symptoms and it goes away, like some ailments that plague the average human being in life, so I hope this is one of those times. I went for a run and it didn't send away the symptoms, so I doubt it has to do with exercise.

I've had two meetings with the mental health collective. In the first one, we watched Short Term 12, which starred Brie Larson, Rami Malek and Stephanie Beatriz. They work at a sort of halfway house for children and the film was very well done, in my opinion. We then discussed our thoughts about the movie and what moved me during that meeting was there were close to 40 of us watching the movie (over Zoom) and we agreed that we all cared about the same thing and we could make a difference if we all worked together and with each other. It was a nice important moment.

At the second meeting, we discussed our agenda. One of the proposals we wanted to make is to have vending machines in visible locations across Singapore, to dispense important mental health resources to distract anyone who might be suicidal, or even to lift the moods of anyone who might be having a bad day. My task is to do research on previous initiatives that have been taken by any other organizations to see if there have been barriers, etc. Tomorrow is our next meeting. Generally I feel that the more of such resources there are around the island, the easier it is for someone to recall that there are people who care for them when they're down and out, especially for those who don't have strong support systems in their lives. If you have any feedback regarding this situation, please reach out to let me know.

A few days ago, I received an email. I'd sent an email to a person I'd seen in a Netflix documentary, and she replied! She sent me well-wishes and a small donation towards my studies. It made me elated because these small things really make me feel that other people care and motivate me to go on this path, as tough as it is. I've written her a thank-you email. I feel very strange asking people for donations to my study fund, especially because I know there are so many things to worry about. Do you worry about Yemen, or Uyghur Muslims, or Black lives, or climate change, or Indigenous lives, or any of the thousands of things you could be worried about? It's okay if you do, and if you choose even one cause to champion for, that's enough.

I'm extremely worried that the panic attacks, if that's what they are, will get more frequent and debilitating, as the date draws nearer, and the financial responsibilities loom larger, and all the things happen. That's why I'm trying to acknowledge and verbalize them all so hopefully that means I negate some of the fear, and some of the paralysis. Therapy seems to be helping, though. I may need to ask whether people see their therapists more than once a week. 

We'll be okay. We will be okay.

UMLAUT

Over the past week, the Malay population has been in uproar because three Malay men have been saying misogynistic, sexist, rude things on their podcast OkLetsGo. When pressed to apologize, they kept making insincere, half-hearted non-apologies, then reposting their supporters' posts about how they only said things in the vein of "done in jest" and "if you don't like, you shouldn't listen" as if, as if the problem is when you say bigoted things, it is about the audience's ability to receive such bigoted comments, and not on your own bigotry. Tweets were, well, Tweeted by Malay women in Singapore, along the lines of

I dislike OLG because they remind me of the Malay men in my life and environment who casually dehumanise and sexualise women and brush it off as jokes. Having that normalised and aired to the Malay masses does enable/shape the current and next generation of Malay men.

in the hundreds, if not thousands. It got so bad, the President of Singapore herself, who usually is a token figure and does absolutely nothing (the person calling the political shots is our Prime Minister) posted a lengthy Facebook post, rebuking the three men and calling on them to make a real apology. 

I've been saying it for years that we have an entrenched patriarchal, misogynist problem.... I don't want to say I told you so, but dang, I told you so. Did I not. Tell. You. So.

Ooooooft. I wouldn't be surprised if the internalized misogyny is so strong you start accusing the President of racism. If we're at that point, I would very much like to remove myself from the narrative.

LETTER TO THE FREE

If you haven't already done so, I strongly recommend that you watch Ava DuVernay's documentary, 13th. It's on Netflix in Singapore, I don't know if it's on the US Netflix. It was released in 2016 but is still as relevant today. 

It's important to watch, and especially important for white people to watch, or for your Asian family members or friends who may not understand the American prison industrial complex. If you have racists among your parents, cousins, aunties, uncles, et cetera, ask them to spend two hours with you and show it to them. 

I've been to America three times. On my first trip, I didn't like parts of San Francisco because it smelled like weed, and for a Singaporean, that was the first time in my 25 years of life I was smelling weed. I didn't know about gentrification or people of color being priced out of their own neighborhoods. I didn't know what being priced out meant. On that trip, I went out on Marina Del Rey in a boat and I thought that was what the average LA transplant experiences.

My second trip I spent almost exclusively in LA, discounting when I crossed the state line to Nevada. I met many white people and families. I met a white lawyer and I followed him to the state court, when he had to file some work before we drove to Lake Tahoe. We drove across deserts for hours and we listened to Spanish music and he taught me about folklore. I met another white Jewish man who makes music, he told me a little about his family and the Jewish community in East LA. 

I think, during that trip, the people I stayed with were already trying to open my eyes to the strange, painful, uneven lifestyles that they were all a part of. I was having fun and I was in love, so I had the most rose-tinted glasses on and refused to see it. The person I liked asked about bank protection in Singapore like the American ones that were too big to fail, and somehow I was an idiot and my brain didn't work. I played into a movie trope, as I always seem to do. 

My third venture was to New York. I was a tiny little bit more mature. I knew about racial and gender injustices, I knew the people on Wall Street were greedy and selfish but I was still willing to live in a city where the same pricing-out was happening to the same communities of color. I didn't know about police brutality, and I was introduced to just the term ACAB. He knew my mother was a cop so he brought it up, but I fell asleep, and I forgot about it, because I was in love again. It was my first time in New York, so I spoke to homeless people of color and I thought that would help somehow, that I as a solitary singular person was talking to a homeless black man about Trump, commiserating, as if I could change anything. About his life or about the system.

I cannot. Not by myself. I can attend all the women's marches and black lives matter protests in the world but I am one person. It took me twenty-eight years to learn about bank foreclosure, twenty-nine for gentrification, thirty to understand police brutality. I watched 13th, and it details how America has transitioned from slavery to mass incarceration. Every aspect of it is covered, like how the biggest corporations involved in political lobbying have vested interests in keeping more people in prison, and for longer. It puts up pillars, of how you might think a black man could defend and help themselves, then knocks them back down again with terribly unfair laws enacted by government. 

Sometimes people are concerned that I worry about things I cannot change, but I like to keep myself aware because I think change can only come with awareness. I was not worried about all the social issues before I was made aware of them. I didn't know what was happening and so I could not care about them, and I was just one more person complicit in allowing an injustice, many injustices to continue. 

I want to believe that if you shared all the facts there are, most people would not act the same way as they did when they were blissfully unaware. Money is not and has never been the driving factor for most people, not the ones I know about. If you knew where your money came from, where it was going towards, if it was perpetuating a slavery that you can see and be accountable for, if it was going towards an endless vicious cycle of policing and ensuring future generations of wronged prisoners, you would want to sever that connection. 

I want to believe that the reason capitalism still continues is that there are a few people who have staggering amounts of money and power and who lack conscience, but that the greater community don't agree with nor support them. And we can work to overturn that, because there is power in numbers. There always has been. If we all just acknowledge that the value of human life is in the love and compassion and connection we all share, more than the monetary wealth we can each attain for ourselves, we can change this.

TWILIGHT

I haven't swum for three months because that's how long it's been since swimming pools were closed for COVID-19 and we're no longer allowed to go to the beach, either. The good thing is, I checked on Google and there's an indoor swimming complex a short walk away from my school in Vancouver. The sad thing is, I start school in September and I don't know if I'll get to swim till then. However, at least I have something to look forward to! I find myself to be quite a water baby, I love being in and also surrounded by water so I'm very excited to explore trails that have rivers or waterfalls, etc. 

I finished reading Learned Optimism and I really do like it, I liked the ideas and principles from start to finish. I think it was an important book for myself particularly, and I'll try and apply it to myself and my life. 

My hair is growing back out and I'm trying to grow it long this time. I had it chopped short almost a year ago, and now I miss my curls. There's something about how wild and unkempt my long hair usually is, and how reflective it is of me, that I miss to bits, and I wanna have it back. 

Back in 1905, the German sociologist Max Weber warned of an “unprecedented inner loneliness of the single individual” that accompanied the “spirit” of modern capitalism. In a capitalist society founded on competition, privatisation and small family units, collective joy—as opposed to individual happiness—signals both personal resilience and political rebellion. The very act of relishing in a shared connection is a triumph in a society that seeks to divide us.

Being happy is resistance against capitalism and so I try. I try to be happy. Tonight feels happy so I will allow myself to feel it.