Monday, September 21, 2020
THE OTHER L WORD
Sunday, September 20, 2020
DIAPHRAGM
One of the things I cannot figure out is this one time when I was getting drunk with a guy (lol just a guy, go figure) in Los Angeles, there was a female bartender who had a really nice conversation with me, she listened to me yapping on about my nonsense. I remember her telling me about her career aspirations and somehow getting either her number in my phone or giving her my number. The next morning, she checked in on me while I was probably nursing a hangover (I get drunk very easily and I don't like the taste of alcohol, hence why I don't really drink). Every time I look back on that, I wonder if the conversation had been organic and what she's doing with her life now, or whether she was just looking out for me as a fellow woman. Perhaps it was both. I think that night was the night I peed in the bushes somewhere, that was a ratchet ass night. Sometimes I grieve the loss of my silly younger self, but sometimes I marvel at the memories I have made, and am also proud of this stableish adult person I have become. Sometimes these happen at the same time. I only wish I'd had the foresight at the time to really drink it in, and soak up each moment, of myself walking around Thousand Oaks, this belatedly gangly teenager basking in the desert temperatures, not knowing how precious it all was. I'm much more present and conscious at thirty, to know exactly where I am and what I'm doing. It is 5:46am and the sun has not yet risen. It is therefore quite cool at night, and my sister is asleep next to me in bed. The silence is fleeting and momentary and I will enjoy this stillness while it lasts. Have a good week ahead, everyone.
Friday, September 18, 2020
LOW INTENSITY STEADY STATE
I think it's the Jewish new year so, Shana Tova. Ruth Bader Ginsburg just died. I truly hope Trump doesn't get to appoint someone new before he leaves office. The Super Mario franchise got re-released on Switch, and I saw Kid Icarus on it. I only just realized that's what Adam's Instagram handle is a pun of, I never knew there was a game called Kid Icarus. I think Adam has a girlfriend now, which is great for him. One time, I met a guy I used to date, I thought he wanted to be friends because I knew he had a girlfriend, and he kissed me full on the lips when we met. I was pretty appalled by that and I never spoke to him again. Women who cheat on other women knowingly are just terrible. These past two weeks, I've been a sort-of interim therapist for my friends and family members, because they've been caught in undesirable social situations, due to the fact that men are socialized to become scumbags. I feel a lot of feelings on behalf of my friends, because I'm personally invested in their well-being and I know the parties involved. This is why you cannot be a therapist for your friends or the people you know, you will burn out pretty easily. Anyway, I was talking about Super Mario. We watched a guy called Kosmic do a speedrun of the original Mario Bros and he completed it within five minutes. I don't quite understand the point of speedruns and the intensity of hitting subpixel precision but I do appreciate it's an art. I'm going to try my best not to spend the next few weekends playing Super Mario, because I've actually got a full plate of other things that matter. For example, I leave in three months but have yet to apply for my student visa. I also really do need to go back to a routine of some exercise, tonight I'll skip rope.
Sunday, September 13, 2020
TROYE SIVAN
Friday, September 11, 2020
OCCAM'S RAZOR
Hello! I am one of those who read your blog and I have never responded because shy. But since you said you would like people to message you, here I am. It's very interesting to watch a malay girl with a common malay face pretend with all her might to be white! Don't so yaya la okay?
If you're not Singaporean, you may not know that yaya means pretentious, my friend Tami who's Indonesian asked me what it meant so I thought I'd just clarify. I read the comment and I was a little confused, so I created an Instagram story poll asking if I was yaya/pretentious. All the responses (95%) said I'm not, except for one. It was just a random account with no followers or whatever, and this account also began to leave strange sarcastic comments on my older Instagram posts, asking if I was "mixed, because the photo was gorgeous" or highlighting that I have a shallow personality. Seeing as the account only appeared after I'd created the poll in response to the comment, I'm going to do the obvious and think it's the same person who'd left the blog comment, that owns the Instagram account.
I think the nature of the comments was slightly strange, but I'll just give it the time of day since I'm already writing this. The commenter took offence that for a Malay person with a common Malay face, I pretend with all my might to be white. As far as I recall, I've never tried to look white, or not-Malay. I don't even speak with a "white accent", I think I have quite an obvious Malay accent and I don't try to mask it, so I really am not sure what they mean. I guess this person doesn't know me in real life, which is a huge relief, because I wouldn't want someone I personally know to think such things about me. Next, I actually think Malay people are attractive and have attractive features, so if I have a common Malay face, I'm going to take it as a compliment, thank you for that? If they meant that with a common Malay face, I'm actually unattractive, then there's something problematic in that. This person is either not Malay and is racist against Malays, or they are Malay and self-hating. Either way, I don't understand it.
Also, this person created a fake Instagram account to comment anonymously on my older posts. That takes dedication and effort. I'm guessing that they haven't told their close friends or family members that they started the account to leave such comments. In that case, whatever I write about or however my behaviour, I'm going to go ahead and say that I'm at the very least living my truth with more volition and freedom than they are. I cannot imagine putting in so much energy into disliking someone that I'd have to carve out sessions to hate on them, away from my own social life.
When I shared the comments on my Instagram, most of my friends said this was likely to be a teenager's work. If they are a teenager, then perhaps I'll let them grow out of it, like a toddler going through their Terrible Twos. However, if this person is older than a teenager and is closer to my age of thirty, then it's really high time someone told them that they are an unhappy person. I don't know how or why they are unhappy, but they are. Happy people don't put in energy into being mean and nasty to other people, and happy people would also know this method does not work. If they felt safe and secure about themselves, they would know that no matter what anyone else said, their own self-worth and what they think of themselves is what matters. All this to say, the person who commented does not feel safe and secure, and doesn't know what it means, to feel safe and secure about themselves as a person.
I was going to let it slide after the Instagram comments, but today a comment popped up on a much older post, and this time it was attacking my intelligence as well as my... sexual worth? I'd blogged about Mochi falling and breaking her leg, two years ago, and the person went all the way back to comment on it.
"I’m still lowkey pissed that she stupidly lost her balance and fell from the window ledge, if she did"But you don't think you are high key stupid for not meshing your house before adopting a cat? You act like you are damn clever but your writing and your attitude shows you're just another immature moron dying to believe she's unique. No wonder all the men you've dated before humped and dumped you.
Now, I'm an immature moron dying to believe I'm unique. Also, that's why all the men I've dated before humped and dumped me. I'm not sure why the phrase of choice was "humped and dumped" me, as if it matters that I've had many sexual relations in my life. Is this person... a conservative? Is there something they think is inherently shameful about having sexual experiences? I don't know, but also weird of them to assume they know why I was dumped. I could ask all my exes now if that's really why, but somehow I think they would have nicer things to say about me than this person does.
Whatever the actual motivation is, I would like to say: please see a therapist. You may not be able to see or accept it now, but everything you say is more reflective of your issues than of mine. It's clear to everyone apart from you. I do not know who you are, and it can stay that way. I don't know why you've chosen to have a personal vendetta against me and revolved your feelings around my life. It does seem that no matter what actions I take, you will be bitter about it and I'm unable to provide a reason why. However, I think you should share your misgivings about me and your actions towards me with at least two loved ones whom you really trust, and ask for their advice. I have no way of verifying that you do, as I don't know your identity, but this is really not for me. Whether you go to therapy or seek help, it will not affect me. I'm living my life the way I want to, but your obsession with hating me is truly unhealthy, and I do think you will only be happy, when you've let go, and learned what your own issues are. I'm guessing your immediate reaction to this would be to lash out against my suggestion that you seek help, and perhaps your anonymous comments will proliferate. I actually strongly hope you give it time and think of yourself, and not of me, regarding this matter. In the long run, it would benefit you and your life much more if you paid attention to your own feelings and your own actions instead of mine. The attention you crave for yourself has to originate from you taking care of yourself, and not from provoking a person with mean words. I wish you well. This is the last comment I will be making a note of, because I prefer to expend my energy on things that serve me well.
Sunday, September 6, 2020
VACUUM
I had a rather eventful morning. We arrived at the store to find that a pipe had burst in the mall. The escalators and elevators weren't working, and our store was flooded. We were in crisis management mode, we watched as the electrician fiddled with the power boards, we used bowls to scoop out water from beneath the floorboards. Our floorboards are wooden, and I think they got quite waterlogged, because you could feel them being soggy and uneven when walking on them. This year has refused to let up on us. It was interesting to see that there are vacuum cleaners that suck up water, and they were used to dry up our store of the flood. They reminded me of the fact that I will soon have to vacuum-pack my clothes into my suitcases so as to fit in more things efficiently. Tonight is one of those nights I feel slightly anxious and panicky about Canada. What if they don't understand what I'm saying? What if it's too cold and I get depressed? What if my schoolmates are too young and into TikTok and I am left behind? Then I tell myself it's okay to feel scared of new environments, and also to be aware that I'm probably getting my period in two days. I'll feel depressed but then my body will say SikE! Lol I'm prepared for it.
Wednesday, September 2, 2020
BIG SUR
I've got an early morning for a shift tomorrow and I've got some ingredients prepared for special easy breezy toast, as well as an iced chai latte from CBTL in the fridge to help me wake up. It's been some pretty good few days. I love having stuff prepared for breakfast. Today I was looking through Spotify and it makes me so happy that, when I'm not listening to Taylor Swift, I have the option of listening to all sorts of music from everywhere, I can listen to playlists of white noise for studying, music that accompanies rain, sounds for sleep. You name it, and Spotify usually has it. I think we've progressed so rapidly that it's easy to forget how far we've come. I remember the days of using Kazaa or Limewire to download song by song in mp3s. Kids these days would not relate! It's so wild that the world is accessible now. All we have to do is push for that accessibility to reach everyone, after giving them basic necessities like housing, clean water, access to medicine, etc.
A couple of days ago, my sisters and I were watching Jeopardy because they released some new seasons on Netflix. Jeopardy is my favorite game show and I think I'm pretty good at it because I know a little bit of trivia from all sorts of backgrounds. I keep telling them that if I appeared on an episode of Jeopardy, winning just one game (average of $20,000 given away in an episode) would really help me out. My sisters said I could try out for any game show, not just Jeopardy, so they suggested this inane, silly and hilarious show The Floor Is Lava, where you literally try not to fall into lava while navigating a tricky room full of hazards. The prize for The Floor Is Lava is $10,000 per team though, and I said $10,000 isn't enough because if we split it among the three of us sisters (the other one wasn't watching with us), it would only be $3,500 each. Both of them then said they wouldn't want to split it equally, knowing that I'm in debt for school, and they said I could treat them to a nice meal. I was so touched by this, I went to sleep after shedding a few tears. It doesn't matter that the entire thing is hypothetical, my family is not rich and $10,000 would make a huge difference to my 24- and 17-year-old sisters. The fact that they offered to participate in an imaginary game show to help me out with my educational finances, I think is very sweet and mature of them, and I hadn't expected it from them. They're really cute, I can't believe they all used to be babies and now they're thinking of helping me out.
A lot to be grateful for, and I'm grateful for that.
Saturday, August 29, 2020
I CHING
A couple of nights ago, I was doing a box shift with a new colleague, Millie. She's a theatre performer who was acting in London before she had to come back to Singapore due to COVID. She heard me listen to Burn on my break, so during our boxes shift (when there are only lululemon staff in store), she played the Hamilton soundtrack and we sang and rapped together. She has a lovely voice, obviously, being a performer, and I was so happy to be talking to her. She told me about The Last Five Years, another musical that sounds absolutely heartbreaking, I think I'm going to love it so I'm going to have a listen to the soundtrack. There's also a film version with Anna Kendrick that Millie doesn't have the best impression of, so I won't be watching that yet. The concept sounds fascinating, it starts at two different points of the timeline in a relationship, so for the woman, the play commences at the end of the relationship, and for the man it starts at the beginning, and they only sing together on one song when their timelines intersect in the musical. I'm intrigued, and also preempting certain sadness at the story.
Last night, I visited Tami and her little baby Bima. He's just a little over a month old. When I arrived, he was being fed his night bottle of milk so I carried him and fed him the last half. He was adorable, so smol and his voice was gentle and soothing. He was gurgling enthusiastically and I melted. It's been such a good week. I am very grateful for it.
Tomorrow, I have a SYNC meeting, it's getting quite convoluted and I don't really like things that are messy so I feel a little iffy. Then I have to go to work because a girl has to pay her bills.
Wednesday, August 26, 2020
DRUNK UNDER A STREETLIGHT
vintage tee, brand new phonehigh heels on cobblestoneswhen you are young,they assume you know nothingsequin smile, black lipsticksensual politicswhen you are young,they assume you know nothingbut I knew youdancing in your Levi'sdrunk under a streetlight, II knew youhand under my sweatshirtbaby, kiss it better, Iand when I felt like I was an old cardiganunder someone's bedyou put me on and said I was your favoritea friend to all is a friend to nonechase two girls, lose the onewhen you are young,they assume you know nothingbut I knew youplaying hide-and-seek andgiving me your weekends, II knew youyour heartbeat on the High Lineonce in twenty lifetimes, Iand when I felt like I was an old cardiganunder someone's bedyou put me on and said I was your favoriteto kiss in cars and downtown bars
was all we neededyou drew stars around my scarsbut now I'm bleeding'cause I knew youstepping on the last trainmarked me like a bloodstain, II knew youtried to change the endingPeter losing Wendy, II knew youleaving like a fatherrunning like water, Iwhen you are young,they assume you know nothingbut I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kissI knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifsthe smell of smoke would hang around this long'cause I knew everything when I was youngI knew I'd curse you for the longest timechasing shadows in the grocery lineI knew you'd miss me once the thrill expiredand you'd be standing in my front porch lightand I knew you'd come back to meyou'd come back to meyou'd come back to meyou'd come backand when I felt like I was an old cardiganunder someone's bedyou put me on and said I was your favorite
Monday, August 24, 2020
AJ HACKETT
Friday, August 21, 2020
ABBOT KINNEY
This morning Adam messaged me to say Hamilton is fine. I've known him two years and he wouldn't watch it at all, so I'll take what I can get!!!! He used to be a music critic (now working at Know Your Meme) and he says of Hamilton, musically it has its charms. It's the small wins, y'all. Take them where you can.
TONIGHT YOU BELONG TO ME
The car I'm in has some really sombre melancholy string music playing and it's got me in a funk. Today I had a really nice two-hour chat with my mentor Val, and she said I provide a different perspective from anyone else's in the team. I made a jokey allusion that it could be that my brain is wired differently, due to my on and off depression. I used to really like rollercoasters and fast cars, but recently sometimes when I get into a car, my chest gets really constricted and I feel a fear, I don't know why. It's like I want to reach out to Joey to drive safely and ride safely. I think about this one time I was talking to Adam about Kafka, and I didn't know there was a writer Kafka, I thought it was just in the title of a book. I felt really embarrassed but at the same time I felt also soothed by his reaction to me. It felt like a friendly hug or him squeezing my hand. This happened while we were chatting across the world so it wasn't physically happening. Sometimes when you immerse yourself fully in any situation, it is difficult to separate the you that exists now from the you that was tangled with three, four, five men ago. I don't know if you know what Muslim or Catholic hangover is, or if I'm using it correctly, but having grown up two decades believing that at the very end of all this, I would be guaranteed a spot in eternal paradise, to switching to a mindset that when it ends, it just ends, gives me crippling anxiety at times. I want a salve to rub on my spiritual being, but I don't want to lie to myself with stretched out niceties. I think what cripples me about it ending when it ends, is the fact that this temporary place is so painful and broken. I wish people were just nice and good for the sake of being nice and good, to make this world a better place, to save someone else from their crippling anxiety, maybe. I wish there were no religions or rat races for money and accomplishments, but people helping people to get through the dreariness. I don't feel so good.
Wednesday, August 19, 2020
SMOKESCREEN
a rush, a glance
The inspiration for my makeup was 60's Twiggy, and my makeup artist was Benji. I loved his work on my face and hair. Honestly, I wonder why they don't call the makeup artists the talents instead, because they are way more talented with what they do. There are few things more luxurious than going for a shoot and having yourself prepped by a makeup artist and fashion stylist.
That's Josiah the stylist. It was my second time working with him, and we had so much more fun this time, maybe because I was the only model and we had more chances for interaction. I really like working with Jayden and Josiah. I think they're very conscious of cultural connotations, and every time Josiah wanted to put something on me, he'd verify whether I had ethnic ties to the accessory (like a nose ring and chain, for example). If they were taking photos of me with a cloth on my head, if it looked like a hijab, they'd style it differently, because despite being a Malay, I do not identify as a Muslim.
The second one was glitter confetti. It was a retro vibey concept, and for a couple of the shots, the confetti actually caught the glint of the camera flash and fell at the perfect angle near my outreached palm, to look like a diamond sparkling in the photo. The moment the snapped photo was reflected on the monitor, we all looked at it and it really looked like the photo had already been DI'ed (agency speak for editing with Illustrator).
For shots of things raining on you, they obviously do it more than once, just to get the best option. Josiah and Xuan (the other makeup artist) collected the confetti once it had fallen onto the floor, to drop them on me once again. As the confetti was glittering like diamonds, Josiah encouraged me by saying it was a vision of my future, with riches and luxuries raining down on me.
Jayden was directing my poses while taking the photos, because if you've forgotten, I'm not actually a model. He kept saying "broken wrist, soft fingers" and one of the producers, Ami also kept saying the same thing and flicking her wrist up and down, and honestly, everything was hilarious and I had to keep from laughing just so they would get some useable shots. When she sent me the release form, Ami signed off her email with broken wrist, soft fingers, and I LIVE FOR IT!!!!!!
The last shot was with water, and they played Rihanna's Umbrella.
In between one of the shots, we were filming scenes for the B-roll, which is just extra scenes they can intersperse with regular footage, just in case of shortage. Jayden and Josiah were styling my outfit while I just stood there like a dummy, but then Josiah felt a tiny scroll-like thing in one of my blouse's sleeves, so he said it could have been a message from a child worker in India, saying "please save me" and from that point on, I could not stop laughing at the idea. I ruined the entire B-roll, they were always trying to have a conversation and I burst into laughter at the thought of it.
The entire lights, camera, action of it all made me think of La La Land. I cannot wait till the shots are ready. They are honestly fantastic, without even needing to be touched up. The concepts and planning were stunning. Back to regular programming. Remember, when you're taking photos: it's all in the broken wrist and soft fingers.
Wednesday, August 12, 2020
WE WERE MERELY FRESHMEN
Tuesday, August 11, 2020
NOTICE ME, SENPAI
Monday, August 10, 2020
TITANS
Sunday, August 9, 2020
SAFETY CAR
Last weekend, I learned a lot of things. I learned about Abella Anderson, Mia Khalifa, and gloryholes. If you don't know what those mean, don't Google them because I don't want that to be on me. I ordered truffle butter to be fancy, and Sue asked me to look up truffle butter on urban dictionary, so now I know what that is. Now, every time I spread truffle butter on my bread, I will think of something else. Yesterday was Singapore's National Day, which is when we gained independence from the British. It's only the 55th National Day. I worked the entire day, and I was absolutely flat-out broken by the end of the shift. You'd think, given that people have been working from home for months, a long weekend wouldn't actually mean anything, but we were still overworked on the retail front. Working on a public holiday can really break your spirit, and it's not worth the 1.5x pay, at all. After work, we went to Mount Faber to catch the fireworks. There were many other people there, I suppose because we had all Googled the best place to view fireworks from. We went to the peak of it (not actually very elevated but relative to the rest of Singapore, it's a peak), but I think the locations of the fireworks were changed because they know people were gonna be at home due to social distancing measures. Thus, although we were the closest to the sky, we saw none of the fireworks, only orange tints behind buildings, and heard the sounds. So typical of Singapore. I feel like they know I see nothing special here, so there were no fireworks for me. Sigh. I'm in a car to work now, I had and have no energy to deal with public transit. It's still a public holiday and I'm still working, so please pray for my soul. I actually don't believe in prayers, so it would be nice if you just dropped cash into my account, thanks. I haven't even gotten to work but I just wanna get back home to have a nice, long, relaxing, pampering shower, so I look forward to that. Also, if someone could just remind me to bring home my truffle butter from the work fridge, that would be perfect. *chef's kiss*
Thursday, August 6, 2020
BLOODBANK
Monday, August 3, 2020
TALLEST TIPTOES
Sunday, August 2, 2020
THE LAST GREAT AMERICAN DYNASTY
Tuesday, July 28, 2020
WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG
THEY ASSUME YOU KNOW NOTHING
I am really ready for Canada. If you don't know how Singapore is, it's like an entire country like New York City. It's a concrete jungle, and no one even sings songs about it, about how you're able to be free and creative, because you're not. I want to be in Canada, and be a faerie in the woods (HAHAHA), and sit by a creek, and do my assignments and read books, and not worry so much about climate change, because there won't be a human person being stupid and careless everywhere I turn. Also, I've seen Dhu's photos on Instagram, and it looks amazing. Trees always look so good in Canada????
Monday, July 27, 2020
FOLKLORE
Sunday, July 26, 2020
MCM
Friday, July 24, 2020
THE 1
I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit
having adventures on your own
you meet some woman on the internet and take her home
but we were something, don't you think so?
Thursday, July 23, 2020
CO-SLEEP
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
DEUTERONOMY
Monday, July 20, 2020
ABERCROMBIE
Sunday, July 19, 2020
PAPER MARIO
Saturday, July 18, 2020
WATERPIK
Wednesday, July 15, 2020
YOU'RE ONLY YOUNG TWICE
HAPPY
Monday, July 13, 2020
RISE UP
CUMPLEAÑOS
Saturday, July 11, 2020
SPICE GIRLS
Friday, July 10, 2020
JALAN KAYU
Thursday, July 9, 2020
V
Wednesday, July 8, 2020
THE AND STANCE
SANDWICH GENERATION
Tuesday, July 7, 2020
BIG BLUE HOUSE
Monday, July 6, 2020
THE SCIENTIST
No one:Absolutely no one:Me: this song was playing when...











