10 WAYS TO SUPPORT THE WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE

by Olivia Perez

There was no exact point in time when I felt I had come into my own feminist. There was no ah-ha moment, no specific anecdote that jolted my body into a state of rage against the patriarch. I was genetically bred to be an unruly woman. I was raised in Los Angeles by a Jewish, French Moroccan father and a Serbian mother in a Brady Bunch family of strong female figures - four sisters, two stepmothers, three godmothers, and a mom who dedicated her life to raising fearless women in a town that didn't necessarily breed security. My upbringing was undertaken by women I aspired to become - women who co-existed despite multiple marriages, divorces and backgrounds, supported one another and their children unconditionally, and taught me that being soft-spoken was not an option, especially at our dinner table. 

When I was two, my parents enrolled me in ballet. I studied ballet into my adulthood, practising after school and on weekends, touring every summer, and performing seasonally. Being a ballerina was like living in a state of constant adversity. I would wake up every day and dress myself to physically blend in with my class - pink tights, black leotard, hair in a tight bun - but then dance under the immense pressure to outshine. I would work myself as hard as a professional athlete, and was then expected to appear frail, delicate and feminine. Remember your steps, control your temperament, be feminine here, be masculine there, look pretty, move quickly, stay on the beat, transcend, captivate, all at once. From a young age I was trained to defy the odds, rise above obedience and move people with just my physical presence. I was trained to demand attention. I was trained never to question my place as a woman centre stage. 

My feminism is inherent. It's not a trait, adjective, label or by-line but an orientation towards the world. Today, I'm twenty-four years old and live in New York City where I run my company Friend of a Friend, an editorial community based on telling untold stories and lending a platform for women to find their individuality through expressing everyday experiences. I live with that same demand for the world's attention because there is no space I will ever accept for women other than centre stage. All the opportunities in the world are ours for the taking and ours to be shared. There is no time more important than now, in 2018, for women to show up for each other and push each other towards our own spotlights. There is no better time for us to be loud, strong and unruly. I've made it my mission to be an ally to the women in this generation, to break down misogynistic stereotypes, remove walls that divide them, and create a community grounded in supporting one another. In my experience as a young woman, a female business owner, a daughter, sister and friend, I've learned that being a feminist isn't so much about your own voice, but how you use your stage to encourage and support other women to find theirs. 

1. Show up for women, physically and emotionally. Whether it's sending your girls a daily text to check in, being a shoulder to cry on, calling your mother, supporting female-founded companies, or smiling at a woman on the street, be an advocate for supporting our community in any and every way.

2. Create environments for women to take up space. In my experience of hosting panels, events, talks, interviews or even just a girls' night, there's nothing more gratifying than watching women thrive in an environment where they feel able to be themselves and use their voice.

3. Be transparent with each other. Be open about jobs, salaries, relationships, sex life, hardships, successes, botox, everything. Secrecy breeds jealousy because the unknown makes us insecure. By having these conversations with each other, we empower our experiences, good or bad, and create a foundation of shared experiences that make us feel supported rather than alienated.

4. Don't lift a woman up by tearing another woman down.

5. Collaborate, don't compete. Competition thrives on insecurities. Identify those women you feel you're sitting across the table from and sit next to them. Find a common ground. Wanting women to succeed without jealousy is the definition of grace.

6. Strive to say more than 'You look pretty'. Remind the women in your life that the space they take up in your life and the world is not dependent on physical attributes.

7. Never miss an opportunity to facilitate moments of learning between men and women. It's easy to fall victim to stereotypes by saying a man is 'just being an asshole' or 'men will be men' when helping women to cope with gender issues, whether in the bedroom, the boardroom, or beyond. Be an active ally for both genders by advocating accountability and a level playing field.

8. Hire women, train women, mentor women. Be the vehicle that turns a young woman with big dreams into the badass woman she is destined to be.

9. Carry lipstick, pain relief like Tylenol or aspirin, and tampons, always. Save a sister, make a new friend.

10. Step up to the spotlight. Not just as an example for others but for yourself. Take every opportunity, challenge and risk that comes your way without questioning your worth, ability or place as a woman. And once you find your light, don't be afraid to be a little unruly.

TELL HIM

by Jameela Jamil

Bloody hell, where do I start?

I suppose when writing something about feminism I can't help but feel that it's not only us who should be learning and growing, being armed with motivation and understanding.

I think so many women have the power to tackle misogyny in their own homes. It starts by never taking for granted how poisonous society can be to the male psyche, and protecting boys from the onslaught of misinformation everywhere. They are bombarded with dangerous imagery, song lyrics, peer pressure and often quite damaging / violent / entirely-intimacy-free pornography, all of which is sold to them as a glamorous and realistic norm. Men are throttled with toxic masculinity and given made-up ideals that they are forced to subscribe to. They are belittled and rejected when they show signs of sensitivity. They are mocked and insulted when they show their pain or 'care too much'. Songs that are kind to women, or that talk about feelings, are considered 'wet' or labelled 'sad boy music'. It's such a potent, rotten marinade that boys grow up being soaked in.

Don't get me wrong - this isn't some 'poor boys' appeal. It's just that, in my opinion, it's as if men are recruited young and brainwashed, in order to be indoctrinated and manipulated into an oppressive patriarchal institution. This is a call to arms for the women who have boys growing up in their houses...

We have a lot of work to undo...

Mothers, sisters and aunties, I implore you to take this little sponge and render him sodden with humanity and an understanding of women. It will send him into this delusional world with an armour of empathy and self-assurance, with an understanding that a strong woman is something to celebrated and not feared / crushed / undermined / spoken over / stopped / humiliated / shamed / blamed / discouraged / controlled / told that to be worth anything in this world she must have big tits but a small waist and thin arms, oh, and a big pert arse but absolutely no thighs and a young face (forever).

All you have to do is tell him the truth.

Tell him what happened to us.

Tell him our whole story. Tell him how only very recently we were able to fight, protest, beg and starve our way to basic human rights. Tell him that a long time ago, as far back as you can imagine, men became afraid of women. Women could make people inside their bodies; they could feed those people using just their bodies. They had an extreme and quite scary tolerance for pain, and were distracting and beguiling for men. On top of all this, we were equally able to learn, to hunt, to keep ourselves and our kin alive. AND we have tits. TITS. Who doesn't love tits? Whatever size. They are simply fantastic. Men feared that, other than their semen, women had little need for them. And actually we were very self-sufficient and tough, while at the same time being able to arouse men and sometimes drive them quite mad with love/lust/possessiveness. We held quite a lot of power. And so, using the only thing they had over us (physical power), men fear-mongered an entire gender into submission and controlled us for thousands of years.

Tell him that we work the same hours, with the same skill sets and the same qualifications and get paid much less, just because we were born with different chromosomes.

Tell him we were only recently allowed to choose who we love, rather than be sold by our fathers to the highest bidder, however unattractive / unkind / unsafe / boring / old that man may be, with no question as to what we wanted.

And tell him this is still going on in many countries around the world today. We are still second-rate citizens in many places.

Tell him what it's like to be a woman. Tell him we have to be on guard, literally ready to protect our lives, every time we walk down the street at night, walk through a park, get into a cab, take a train, go out drinking, walk to our car, go on a date, be in a lift with a stranger, be in ANY BASEMENT EVER. Sometimes we even have to feel afraid in our own houses because there is a constant threat to our safety from men, both strangers and the ones we know. Make him sympathize with us and feel protective over us.

Tell him to cry when he is sad, tell him how important it is to talk about his feelings. Tell him it is better to be soft and strong rather than be hard and weak. Never let anyone tell him to 'stop being a girl' when he is showing sensitivity. By narrowing our ridiculous prescribed gender roles, we will come closer together and no longer be such a mystery to one another, which will dilute the fear and mistrust men have towards us. And, by making him a more mentally stable and secure person, you will greatly lessen the likelihood of him being swayed by our insecure and pathetic patriarchy.

Treat him with kindness and empathy. Make him feel safe. Do not betray his trust. Your relationship with him will shape his entire outlook on women. So that in every girl he looks at, he will see you, and feel love and respect. Make sure he confides in you from a young age, so you will have a sense of what poison is pouring into him, and do not judge him (to his face - you can totally judge him behind his back, and to your friends....) and explain the correct, fair path in a way that makes it sound fun and appealing.

Tell him about sex. Not just reproduction. Sex. The pleasurable fun part of it. The joy of equal pleasure and enthusiastic consent. Do not shy away from this. Do not make it an awkward topic in your house. If you push him into the shadows, he will find Pornhub in there and that will become his teacher. And nobody wants that shit. Nobody. Learning to have sex from porn is like learning how to drive from The Fast and the Furious. A bloody horrendous idea.

Tell him it's OK to watch porn but to know that it's a fantasy, sometimes a downright lie, and that the women are acting, and they are being paid to pretend to enjoy every *brilliant* thing the man comes up with. Explain to him that real women are specific and nuanced and that sex where she feels wanted, appreciated and catered to will be ten times better than when she's doing what he wants to do, even though she isn't in the mood, just because she's afraid of disappointing him. That's not sex - that's just a wank he's using a woman's body for. Hell, show him a documentary about the truth behind porn. Scar him for life.

Tell him about the history of the word 'No' for women and how new it is to our vocabulary, and how, if he were to abuse our historical conditioning to bend to the whims of men, it would be the greatest sin and sign of weakness he could show. And when it comes to sex tell him technical consent isn't the gold standard but the complete basic foundation, and anything less than a woman being enthusiastic about something sexual that is about to happen is a bad thing and a sign that he must stop whatever he is doing and talk to her.

Tell him that being generous in the bedroom will be reported far and wide among women across the lands, because we tell each other everything; the tales shall travel far and wide, and his name shall become legend among us.

Tell him about your hopes and dreams so he grows up wanting them for you and feels as though they are important. Tell him how you feel. Don't always be perfectly stoic as we have been conditioned to pretend we are, which in turn means that men overestimate our coping ability and then push us to the fucking edge. Build a man who understands that we are only human and have needs and sometimes need help.

Tell him that we are smart. Show him smart women you admire. Tell him to look for that in a girl. Show him films with tough female leads from when he's young.

Tell him that we are funny. Show him funny women.

Tell him we are strong. Tell him that's a good thing. Tell him it's cool. Tell him it's sexy. Show him how strong you are. Don't just pick up after him. Don't just pick up after his father. Command the respect you deserve.

Be his friend. Be his teacher. Spend your life with and raise him in front of a good man who shares your beliefs and respects you.

Do not ever sell yourself short.

We may have to fight our generation of men (and the one before that) for our rights, our safety and for our voices to be heard, which is sad and frustrating. But we have a golden window of opportunity to completely shape the future of our entire society from our living rooms. Build these men from scratch to fit women, rather than to take up all the space and force us to compact ourselves to the little corner allocated to us by them.

God, we must be pretty amazing to have overcome all of this shit. Tell him.

BRALESS WHITE WOMEN

by Angela Yee

Growing up, when I heard the word 'feminist' I always pictured braless white women rallying and making demands that were foreign to me. The issues I dealt with in school, at work and even at home were just the norm. Of course my brother had more freedom than I did - he's a boy. Of course in high school I had to protect my reputation as best I could, while the boys were applauded for having fingers that smelled like pussy. When I had internships during college, I was able to brush off comments about my appearance and I made a conscious effort to wear baggy clothes so I wouldn't draw attention to myself. And when I graduated from Wesleyan University, armed with my English degree and a plethora of internship experience under my belt, I jumped right into the music industry.

There are too many incidents to name that happened to me and countless others during my twenty-plus years working in marketing, management and radio. I can recall the most blatant situation. I was working for a small label, and they had just secured a deal providing office space and overhead for their employees. I was the first person they hired, being lured away from my position as assistant to the CEO at Wu-Tang Management to become the General Manager. I was only twenty-three years old, so I was excited about the salary bump and the new title. Not to mention, they had one of the hottest artists signed to them, which was how they had inked the deal in the first place.

In one of my first 'mistakes', which I refer to as a life lesson in retrospect, I should have never left my position at Wu-Tang for one with a fancier title and more money. I ended up passing the days watching the clock tick and doing things like sharpening pencils for the elderly white male partner, who was adamant that I should not have any power or authority. He couldn't understand why they'd hired a young black girl in the first place. But he was still using pencils? The younger black male partner consistently rolled up to the office wearing sunglasses at any hour he pleased, with stories of deals he'd brokered and women he'd conquered, most of which I discovered were flat-out false or grossly exaggerated.

The next hire was the ex-girlfriend of one of the partners, who would sit on his lap in the office while they laughed hysterically about Lord knows what, until he would sometimes close the door. Every morning I woke up dreading another day at this hellhole, and I would often lie in bed contemplating if I should call in sick or not show up at all.

One particular day, time was crawling by as usual and I was trying to keep busy by organizing contacts. The artist, who was the anchor of the label, was erratic about showing up to the studio and the label had been paying enormous sums of money to hire producers, musicians, engineers and back-up singers. Because the artist had no music and was missing every deadline, we had no work to do. The younger partner called me to his office and I grabbed a pen and a pad of paper, thinking we were finally going to get the ball rolling. He closed the door behind him and I sat on the sofa with my pen poised and ready to write.

'I think you should sleep with me,' he stated matter-of-factly. I was completely taken off guard, and he continued to lay out his case.

'We can come to the office like nothing is happening, and I'll take you to nice dinners. You'll get paid well. It will be fun.'

I got up and told him, 'I wouldn't do that if you were the last person on earth.'

I walked out of his office shaken and confused. The first thing I did was gather my belongings and go outside to call my best friend. She had an artist who was in the process of signing a development deal at the label and she signed on as an A&R consultant. Her advice was to look for a new job but continue to get my payslip until I found something. After all, I did have bills to pay and no money saved up.

I set up a meeting for the following day with a marketing agency I had already been having preliminary talks with regarding employment. Prior to this incident, I knew I couldn't stay there much longer. When I showed up to work the next day, pretending things weren't awkward, the other partner called me in to his office and fired me. He said they would pay me an additional two weeks' salary, but for no specific reason my pencil-sharpening skills were no longer necessary. I was angry, worried and happy all at the same time. I hated this job, and I would be getting paid for two weeks to not be there. I had a meeting for another job set up that same day (and they did hire me to start immediately). Maybe I would have just stayed there in misery if this hadn't happened.

It never crossed my mind to go to human resources or to hire a lawyer. I didn't even want anyone to know because I was embarrassed it happened to me. I also feared that no one would believe me, and I would be blackballed at the beginning stages of my career. All I wanted to do was put it behind me as a negative experience, and move on. I did exactly that, and when I tried to deposit my pay cheque they had already cancelled it.

I hear conversations frequently from women of all ages who have had to deal with sexism, sexual assault, coercion and rape. And alongside those conversations I hear people who question her validity, who question why she took so long to speak, and who question her motives. They wonder if she put herself in the situation, or if she sent out the wrong signals. They accuse her of wanting a quick payout. They bring up her sexual history, the way she dresses, who she has dated, and anything that may discredit her. And then wonder why it's so difficult to come forward with the truth about men or women abusing their power.

No matter how much progress we think has been made, there will always be reminders of how far we have to go. When I got hired at Sirius for my first radio position, the rumour was that I must have slept with someone to get the job. My former boss confessed he felt that way and had voiced this to other employees because I came out of nowhere, with no radio experience. After he saw my work ethic, and the relationships I curated with guests, he admitted he had been wrong for jumping to conclusions.

Even today, when we have guests on the show, if I ask for contact information from a male guest, I've overheard my co-workers say that I must want to fuck. When we take pictures with guests, the comments are about how I was flirting or you can tell I let him hit. I've heard DJs on other stations say that I sleep with every rapper after we interview them. I've read blogs that list people who I have slept with who I have never even met. Is this still par for the course for a woman working in the entertainment industry, or in any industry?

It has become useless to argue with social media agitators, but what I can do is be part of uplifting women. I can encourage the women who are striving to get their footing in this world to keep pushing and to express themselves. I want women to feel like we are not in competition with each other. We are on the same team. Something as small as a compliment to let another woman know she is on the right path or she is doing a great job can make all the difference. We can defend each other when we are being attacked or judged. We can hire other women and refer each other for jobs when the opportunity fits. I know how much representation matters, and in an industry where we are vastly underrepresented in positions of power it has become evident how poisonous that is.

I want to make sure we are negotiating our salaries and asking for raises when we know we deserve them instead of assuming the work we put in will be noticed and rewarded. I read an article in Marie Claire when I was twenty-nine years old about women not asking for raises as frequently as men do and the most effective strategies to use, and I realized I had never asked for a raise. I put together a presentation of all the press I had received and scheduled a meeting with the operations manager at Sirius, and received a 50% raise and a bonus. If I'd never asked, I would have never got such a significant bump. And I knew I deserved it. But I also know that the male DJ who had my position before me and the one who was hired after me earned significantly more than I did.

When I was offered a job on the morning show at HOT 97, I was told my name would not be part of the show and I would be responsible for weather, traffic reports and gossip. I turned that job down in favour of hosting my own show at Sirius. I knew the freedom of being able to call the shots and build my brand was more significant than the minor role at a legendary station. I told the programme director at the time that I planned to bust my ass to be able to step into a bigger position at the right time. I also used that job offer as leverage to get another raise.

I lament the fact that I didn't have a mentor to steer me in the right direction or to help open doors for me. I believe I would have made fewer mistakes and instead of travelling up, down and around to get here I would have progressed in more of a straight line. In this day and age of access and social media, there is a lot less patience and a lot more stuntin'. The pressure to appear perfect, to smooth out lumps and wrinkles, bring in your waist, make your butt look bigger, get your angles right, not get older, flaunt designer bags, drive luxury cars, hop on a private jet or yacht can be overwhelming. But the strength and confidence it takes to NOT succumb to these pressures is infinitely more powerful.

My feminism is empowering other women to know there don't have to be societal norms and standards for you. It's OK to make more than your significant other and hold down the household. It's perfectly OK to not have a significant other. It's fine if you choose to get plastic surgery (after evaluating the risks) if you want to do that for yourself. It's also fine to shake your little booty and embrace your so-called imperfections. You can be celibate, be monogamous, be in an open relationship, have a fuckfest, leave your lying, cheating-ass boo or choose to stay. It's all on you. My feminism is not passing judgement on others, but instead listening to understand our differences. I may like you or I may not like you after that. And you may or may not like me. Regardless, every time that I'm on the radio and functioning in real life, I will continue to initiate and participate in anything that makes women stronger, especially women of colour who have additional obstacles to hurdle. That means hiring us, booking clubs for us, running clubs for us, financial planning for us, internships for us, advice for us, mental health awareness for us, sexual freedom for us, body positivity for us, and education for us.

Whether you are quietly active or loudly roaring, you are an ally.

THE WEAKER SEX

by Keira Knightley

To my girl

My vagina split. You came out with your eyes open. Arms up in the air. Screaming. They put you on to me, covered in blood, vernix, your head misshapen from the birth canal. Pulsating, gasping, screaming. You were pushing yourself up with your arms, furious at your frailty. Wanting to see. Wanting to know. You latched on to my breast immediately, hungrily. I remember the pain. The mouth clenched tight around my nipple, life sucking on and sucking out. I remember the shit, the vomit, the blood, the stitches. I remember my battleground. Your battleground and life pulsating. Surviving. And I am the weaker sex? You are?

People came to the hospital immediately. Family, friends came to see you, the sweet little baby, and me in beautiful motherhood. We had champagne and Chinese food. I was in a hospital gown with paper pants on. Blood soaking through the sanitary pad wedged between my legs. Adrenalin coursing through my veins. I felt invincible. You were in a crib by the bed. You cried and I ran to you. Exposing myself to the men in the room, blood running down my thighs, arse, cellulite. You are mine. Mine, and I will stop you crying. My breast is out in front of them all and I don't care. Your life is my life. You need me. I'm there. Fuck them all with their eyes watching, their embarrassed faces at my animalistic semi-nudity. Is this soft motherhood?

The day before, I walked seven miles. Our house to a restaurant, the restaurant to the doctor's. I felt water running down my leg on Clerkenwell Road. I was wearing tights and they were wet on the inside. It ran all the way into my shoes. My favourite shoes. Brown lace-up brogues. You'd been engaged for a month, head wedged between my legs, waiting to come out. I didn't know that my waters had broken. I didn't know that the numbing, dull pain was the first contractions - they'd been going on for days. I thought I'd pissed myself. The shame. I walked two miles more to the doctor's. It began.

The day after you were born we left the hospital. I took a shower. Washed my bloodstained thighs. I haven't slept. Will never sleep again the way I did before. My shoes are crusted and sticky with the amniotic fluid of yesterday. They smell. Kate Middleton had her baby the day after mine. We stand and watch the TV screen. She was out of hospital seven hours later with her face made up and high heels on. The face the world wants to see. Hide. Hide our pain, our bodies splitting, our breasts leaking, our hormones raging. Look beautiful, look stylish, don't show your battleground, Kate. Seven hours after your fight with life and death, seven hours after your body breaks open, and bloody, screaming life comes out. Don't show. Don't tell. Stand there with your girl and be shot by a pack of male photographers. This stuff is easy. It happens every day. What's the big deal? So does death, you shit-heads, but you don't have to pretend that's easy.

I don't wash for a month. Can't get dressed. The hormones rage. I'm buffeted by silent storms more terrible than the battleground. I hear everything. It's all too loud. The world is too loud. The wind in the trees thunders around me. It thunders around you. Death. It's living next to me. I've brought life and understand the terror of losing it. The world is too big. I want to be with you in a cave. In a dark, deep, quiet cave. I want to shield you with my body. I cry. I don't want your dad to leave. He might be taken from me. I don't want my mum to go. I want her to make it better. One day you could all be gone forever. I would die for you. I would kill for you. You are mine and I am yours. Soft motherhood. Black cats frighten me.

I was born on the cork kitchen floor. My brother was upstairs sleeping. My mother's first battleground was in a hospital. She was told she wasn't in labour, she was imagining it, and was made to sit on a hard wooden chair while they called a psych nurse. The machine had read no contractions. Don't listen to the woman - what would she know? So it happened there in the wooden chair, nails boring into the wood. The baby and the body taking over. She split front to back and my brother came. She never went into a hospital again. With me she stayed in her cave. The kitchen. The beating heart of the house. The weaker sex.

My mother worked. I was so proud of her. So proud to be her daughter. She was a writer with a voice. She walked around with bare feet and caused a scene. She was ambitious and angry and loved me. She could do anything. I can do anything. I will do everything. She is a trickster, a manipulator, a warrior, a laugher; she is immovable; she is a fairy. She is a matriarch, she loves and is loved. She is in charge. I am in charge. You are in charge.

I work. I work because my mother told me to. I work because I am good at it. I work for my family. I work so you can be proud of me the way I was of her. I work to show you that you can. You must. I turn up on time, word perfect, with ideas and an opinion. I am up with you all night if you need me. Sometimes I cry I'm so tired. Up with you all night and work all day. You visit me in my lunch break or when the camera turns round. That time is your time. I try every which way to be there when you wake up and to put you to bed. I ache with tiredness. I weep with tiredness. I break with tiredness. My male colleagues can be late, can not know their lines. They can shout and scream and throw things. They can turn up drunk or not turn up at all. They don't see their children. They're working. They need to concentrate. I concentrate. I see you. I am yours and you are mine. I am not the weaker sex. You are not the weaker sex. We are not the weaker sex.

I work with men. I watch them and they watch me. They worry that I don't like them. It drives them mad. They belittle me, they try not to listen to me, they don't talk to me, they don't want to hear my voice, my experience, my opinion. Be pretty. Stand there. They tell me what it is to be a woman. Be nice, be supportive, be pretty but not too pretty, be thin but not too thin, be sexy but not too sexy, be successful but not too successful. Wear these clothes, look this way, buy this stuff. I work with men and they worry that I don't like them. It makes them mad, it makes them sad, it makes them shout and scream. I like them. But I don't want to flirt and mother them, flirt and mother, flirt and mother. I don't want to flirt with you because I don't want to fuck you, and I don't want to mother you because I am not your mother. I am her mother. I would die for her. Kill for her. That's not the kind of mother they mean. I just want to work, mate. Is that OK? Talk and be heard, be talked to and listen. Male ego. Stop getting in the way.

IMPOSTER SYNDROME

by Alaa Murabit

Ten-year-old me would be incredibly disappointed in me. By now, I should have had a yellow VW Beetle, an apartment in 'the big city' (I was born and raised in Saskatchewan, Canada, so 'the big city' could have been literally anywhere but there), two babies, a cat that loved me and was more excited to see me than she was to nap (this is clearly the most unrealistic thing on my wish list), and - of course - I would be THE surgeon in town.

Let me rewind a little bit. Since I was a kid I knew I wanted to be a doctor. I was never told that I couldn't be. And as a child of eleven I learned very quickly that the only things my parents care about were a) how we treated people and b) how seriously we took our education. So, as I would come home every day with a new idea (like telling my mom I wanted to go to the moon), the usual response would be along the lines of 'Great, I'll pack you lunch!'

By the age of fifteen I had graduated from high school and, only a month later, I'd enrolled in and began medical school. My vision was clear: I would have multiple surgical speciality degrees from elite schools and wear a very unique scrub cap that would relax patients (but still make them confident in my operating abilities, of course) and I would always have free time (despite the whole surgeon thing) because I would live free from the humble entanglements of child-rearing and homemaking, and - of course, à la the opening montage of every early 2000s romantic comedy and Grey's Anatomy - everyone who met me would fall madly in love with me.

But then, in my final year of medical school, the Libyan Revolution broke out, and in an effort to ensure women's inclusion in the nation-building process I founded a women's rights organization, the Voice of Libyan Women (VLW). I had done my research and knew that there was this window of opportunity, where if women were around the table, dictating security and services and the foundations of the new state, the long-term inclusion and leadership of women would be ensured. I finished medical school and, instead of searching for surgical specialties, I created national campaigns, delivered TED talks and negotiated global strategies. At almost every turn I was asked where I got my conviction from, as though I shouldn't have it in the first place.

My confidence wasn't shaken until nearly a year after I had launched VLW. I had been having coffee with someone I considered a mentor - an older, white male, who told me in good faith, 'Be very non-threatening, Alaa; don't freely give your opinions,' after I had told him about a heated debate I'd had with a colleague. When I had asked what he meant, he elaborated: 'There are going to be four challenges that you're going to come across in your career: your background (Libyan), your faith (visibly Muslim), your gender (a woman),' and then he said with a laugh, 'the last one you're lucky - you'll grow out of it - and that's your age.'

It was the first time I had felt like it didn't matter how hard I worked, how much I applied myself, and that in order for me to 'succeed' I would have to minimize myself to create comfort for others. For the next few months I spoke up less, negotiated my point less - not because of his advice, but because for the first time in my life I wasn't sure if my points or my suggestions were necessary.

Months later, I walked into one of my first high-level meetings. Now, to understand how truly excited I was, I would like you all to imagine you're twenty-one. I had spent the days before preparing and when I walked into the room I saw my name, engraved on a wooden nameplate. I took a seat and started pulling out my papers; I had never felt more self-assured, and at that moment, a young woman, an intern I would say was my age, maybe a year older, approached me and said, 'Sorry, but that is Dr Murabit's seat, and I hear he is very difficult.' She went on to tell me that I should go sit at the back, alongside the other support staff.

I picked up my notepad and computer and went and sat at the back; now, I don't know how many of you relate to this - when you kind of freeze and have an almost out-of-body experience? I didn't come back up to my seat until my colleagues, noticing I wasn't there, told me to 'move up to the table'.

As I sat there, in the biggest, most important meeting of my life to date, instead of looking at all the points I'd prepared, I felt a little bit embarrassed and angry, thinking up awesome rebuttals like, 'Oh, I should have said that.' I wanted to find the intern and tell her that she was out of line, but as I was looking around the room at everyone beginning to sit at the table they were all much older, predominately white and predominantly male. I didn't fit into any of those boxes, and I realized that while, yes, she shouldn't have made any assumptions, the problem is much larger than one intern. She has been taught - by the spaces we all occupy - that the experts don't look or sound like me; that they are older, whiter and male.

That moment shifted a lot of things for me. First, it created some clarity in my very foggy brain - unravelling some of the doubt that had been building there for months. And second, it turned my hyper-perfectionist, competitive, strategy-starved brain on to a bigger challenge: that the only way we can become more inclusive and ultimately more legitimate and successful at ensuring peace, prosperity and women's rights is by ensuring that all people can see themselves at the table, and that young women in particular have role models, mentors and the necessary support and amplification to ensure that we occupy those spaces. It was the reason I started my own mentorship programme - because, often, we can't be what we can't see.

That is not to say that the doubt will disappear, or that imposter syndrome isn't real. I expect I will hold on to doubt until my old age, because I will always be those four things: I will always be the daughter of parents with accents, Muslim Libyan immigrants who left everything and everyone they loved behind to create a better life for me and who gave me a name that, despite being only four letters, people still try to abbreviate and nickname.

I will always be the little girl who grew up believing she could make it to the moon, in a world that still debates whether girls should have an education and whether women should have reproductive rights. A world where little girls believe, from a young age, that boys are naturally more intelligent and capable.

But I also know that if we had more women in the room we could solve a lot more problems.

CLIMATE CHANGE? The most cost-effective and practical ways to combat it are the education of girls, and women's reproductive rights.

PEACE PROCESSES? 90% fail within five years but with the inclusion of women they are thirty-five times more likely to last fifteen years.

ECONOMIC GROWTH? If 10% of the girls in a country are educated they increase the GDP by 2-3%. Women then reinvest 90% of their income into their community (as opposed to men who reinvest 35-40%), spurring local economic growth and social transformation. And when girls receive an education they are less likely to marry young, will have fewer kids and will vaccinate those kids.

So, yes, it has taken me years. And it will probably take me a lifetime more. And while my hands still shake sometimes, and my voice falters, one thing I have never been more sure of is that what others see as your weaknesses, challenges or reasons to 'other' you, are often the very things that made you work twice as hard, read twice as quickly and try twice as much. The time, the effort, the faith, the work, the background, the age, the gender, the family, the experiences, the choices. All of it. They are what made me capable, what made me determined and what make me a leader, and - I would bet my ten-year-old dream yellow VW Beetle - they are what make you a leader as well.

FEMINISM IS A VERB, NOT A NOUN

by Alicia Garza

In 1986 Marie Shear wrote in a review of The Feminist Dictionary that '[F]eminism is the radical notion that women are people.' A refreshingly simple definition, Shear's somewhat sarcastic assertion that the notion of women as people is 'radical' says a lot about the conditions experienced by women.

For me, Shear's definition captures perfectly the reason why feminism is a verb, not a noun. The 'radical notion that women are people' requires that one upholds the humanity of women at every opportunity.

In America, white women make 78 cents to every dollar that white men make. Black women make 64 cents to every dollar white men make, and Latinas make 58 cents to every dollar white men make. Women are subject to daily harassment and threats of sexual violence, at work and in our communities. Our bodies are considered to exist for the sole enjoyment and discernment of men. Women are not seen as human beings, deserving of dignity and respect.

The socialization of the hatred of women is not solely perpetrated by men but infects women as well. No one experiences this more acutely than transgendered women, who are shunned by cisgender men and women alike, often using the very same tropes that are weaponized by cisgender men to denigrate and oppress cisgender women.

The current US President, Donald Trump, made headlines for leading chants among his supporters during his campaign to 'lock up' Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, for paying off Stormy Daniels, an exotic dancer with whom he allegedly had an affair, and for being caught on video sharing his tips for assaulting women on the popular show Inside Edition, saying that all you had to do was 'grab 'em by the pussy'. You can tell that in America women are not considered people by many because, despite these examples of egregious behaviour, Donald Trump was still elected President.

Furthermore, the agenda of his administration works to strip women of the rights we've fought hard for - rights to have self-determination over our lives by deciding when and if to start families, and with whom, and rights to have access to affordable health care. The administration has led the charge to dismantle supports for families, such as TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families) and SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program). In 2017, according to the US Census Bureau, 81.4% of single-parent families were headed by a woman who was unemployed. Cuts to government supports for families disproportionately impact women.

For me, this is why feminism must be a verb and not a noun. It is not enough to believe that women are people if our actions - for example, voting for a man who grabs women by the pussy and dismantles critical supports that enable women and their families to live with dignity - suggest otherwise.

To work for a world where women are treated as people in every aspect of our lives is to work not just for women but for all people to realize their full humanity.

REIGNITED

So I found out that Spyro: Reignited Trilogy is on PS4, bought it and have been trying to complete the three worlds/games.

Life is short. Do what you want!

A LOT LIKE LOVE

I think the challenge, for me at least, is to find someone I love and also like. The challenge is not in falling in love, because that I do easily. You can train yourself to love someone or grow that love, but you can't really force yourself to like a person. Like is an organic thing you feel for someone's true nature, love is an act you decide on. I think I've only really liked three people I loved or dated, and they were my second boyfriend, Joey, and Bennett. I'm not quite sure of the qualities I can say I like, but I'm kinda sure Adam and I broke up because we didn't really like each other, which is to say nothing of our characters but rather of individual preferences. I'm still waiting for any word from the four colleges I applied for. I don't like the waiting game. Even if I didn't get in, I'd rather just find out sooner rather than later. Now I'm just anxious that if I do get through, I have more and more limited time to sort out bank loans, accommodation, and things like that. On a subconscious level, I am nervous about things. I went to see Jordan Peele's Us in theatres, with Viv yesterday. It is not as amazing as Get Out was to me, but then Get Out set a really high bar. Viv has been sending me theories from redditors and whatnot, and the level of meta, is srsly next level. So many Easter eggs in the show. It is extremely creepy, and I had fun shrieking and screaming, as did everyone else cussing out during the film, I think.

LOVELY

thought I found a way
thought I found a way out
but you never go away 
so I guess I gotta stay now 

oh, I hope someday I'll make it out of here 
even if it takes all night or a hundred years 
need a place to hide, but I can't find one near
wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear 

isn't it lovely, all alone? 
heart made of glass, my mind of stone
tear me to pieces, skin to bone 
hello, welcome home 

walking out of time 
looking for a better place
something's on my mind
always in my headspace

I wonder if Lovely is about depression. I do think it's a lovely song. I really like the violin in it. Edit: I went to Google it and it really is about depression! I'm so happy, kinda, that it isn't some sappy love/heartbreak song. On another note, it also was used in 13 Reasons Why, which is a Netflix series I fucking hate with a passion. Gross. If there's one thing Selena Gomez has done wrong, it's doing 13 Reasons Why. Bleagh.

JUSTIN BIEBER

Sometimes I really miss New York/the US, and at those times, I really like talking to my friends who live there. It feels even better when it's one of my best friends and kindred spirits. It is a long weekend, not in that there's a bank holiday, but as in I have lots of work and errands to run this weekend. Who do I pray to, to get me into school, if I don't believe in anything?

Tina: I really think one of the benchmarks of our late twenties
Tina: Or turning 30 is to realize that even if we were trying our best, and even if we don’t have regrets, boy oh boy can we hurt other people
Tina: I think being in your 20s is learning about self empowerment and how to advocate after yourself but then after that comes
Tina: Learning humility and grace
Tina: Anyways I was reading your last blog about talking to that guy and I’m proud of you for having tough talks

Sarah: Thank you Tina
Sarah: It has been a long tough week but at times like this i just try to remember all the moods and energies i felt when i was in new york and i know i deserve to feel those and i'm capable of achieving those again, and just to breathe and take the ups and downs as they come
Sarah: ❤

Tina: Any word of schools?

Sarah: Not yet.. Queens is supposed to start getting back this past week, but no idea when the end dates are for any of them

Tina: Eeeeeee I hope you find out soon
Tina: I keep thinking about you being here
Tina: I was walking around the lower east side last weekend and noticed some of the graffiti
Tina: And didn’t realize that I was in the neighborhood we were walking around in
Tina: Feels so different when you’re not desperately cold 😂

Sarah: Oooh the one with pietro nolita?

Tina: yeah
Tina: Sean and I wandered down the same kind of path while doing some shopping

Sarah: Ahhh i'm happy you're getting spring!!

Tina: And I was just like OH that big tomato and shark painting

Sarah: Oh i remember that hehehe

Tina: how’s the baby thing???
Tina: I like the idea of babies but I’m so bad with real ones lol

Sarah: My stint with that baby is done! I'm glad, it was tiring af
Sarah: Idk how mothers do it
Sarah: Like 24/7???

Tina: for real
Tina: My mom was talking about how
Tina: when SHE was MY age
Tina: she had THREE children
Tina: And I’m like oh god
Tina: I can’t imagine me with one baby rn lol

Sarah: Oh my god yeah what even, i'm not even sure if it's gonna be an inverse relationship from now on bc when women are younger they would have more energy i suppose???
Sarah: I don't have the energy!!!
Sarah: I'm like, i wanna find me a grandpa and retire

Tina: FOR SURE
Tina: lol there plenty of sugar daddies in nyc 😂😂😂
Tina: I’ve had friends use that website
Tina: Seeking Arrangement
Tina: more so in college, when they were broke

Sarah: I have too! Hehehe. Never had an arrangement that worked though. The ones in Singapore are creeeeeps

Tina: well creeps are a worldwide epidemic to be fair lol

Sarah: True

Tina: Do you talk to Bennett at all?

Sarah: Nope, i don't, don't know if he has a girlfriend now, but if he does, it would be fair cos i have still got no idea about school 😞

Tina: Awh don’t be down lady
Tina: Schools are notorious for leaving people hanging and waiting lmfao
Tina: They’ll come back with the answers soon

Sarah: Well then fingers crossed the answers are pleasant

Tina: And Bennett or no Bennett, things will work out
Tina: You’ve got yourself

Sarah: I do

Tina: And that’s more than a lot of people have even
Tina: (Wow I switched phone providers and I’m currently texting you from an underwater tunnel between Brooklyn and Manhattan wow)

Sarah: Wow!!! What didya switch to, AT&T? I remember advertisements of their taglines: just okay is not okay, whenever i watched Superstore hehehe

Tina: For a long time, I only had sprint as long as I’ve had my own phone plan. Now I’m on Verizon and the coverage is really good even if it’s a little more expensive
Tina: My first phone was on Verizon in high school and
Tina: I was so excited because I was dating a boy who went to a different school and it was hard like... I only saw him on weekends sometimes and we mostly talked on AIM
Tina: But then he was TEXTING me!!! And I didn’t realize phones could do that

Sarah: Hahahahahahahaha OMG CUTEST!!!!!!!!

Tina: And then the phone bill came and apparently text messages were 25¢ each and
Tina: I was VERY VERY GROUNDED
Tina: FOR A LONG TIME LOL

Sarah: Lmfao Tina i need to hear all the teensy Tina stories

THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT

For at least the last half of my life, my favorite number has been 28. It's a so-called auspicious number to the Chinese, I think, but for many years running, it was also my register number in class, and I felt an affinity with it. Before I turned 25 and experienced the rollercoaster that the past three years have been, I thought that when I turned 28, it would be the best year of my life. I would be happy, and I would have figured out love, and my career, and all those things that are supposed to make a life fulfilling. I am now twenty-eight years old, it's been ten months since I turned this age, as my birthday is coming up in May. Unsurprisingly, because life can rarely be planned or turn out as expected, this has not been the happiest of years. However, even though I can't be said to be completely happy, there is something about this past year that has satisfied me. With my father, I learnt to let go. I used to always have the expectations that he would eventually become a better dad, but all those expectations ever did was disappoint me. It tires me out to have contact with him, so I have slowly been setting up my boundaries. Sometimes you have friends that you can only spend time with in small doses, and sometimes you can't help if your parent turns out to be one of those people. Setting up boundaries is healthy, regardless who the other person is in your life. My mother is a religious person, and I am not. Just yesterday, while I was throwing up in the bathroom, she made comments about the shorts I was wearing, she said "how can I show you my concern when you keep doing these things." In the past year, I learnt not to allow my mother's expectations to color my impression of myself. I started wearing what I wanted, I got the tattoo I'd been wanting for a long time, I lived mostly the way I wanted to live. Then there was one. This man had the biggest butterfly effect in my life. After he'd fucked up the trajectory of my life, he wanted to move on, and assumed I was ready to move on. When I was 27, I was still holding on to a lot of anger. I thought, if I'm not happy, why should this man, who fucked up my life, be allowed to be happy? So I did things out of anger and spite, but then I turned 28, and I resolved my issues with my own parents that contributed to my sense of self. I realized, as they say, that just because this man was not allowed to be happy, did not at all contribute to my own happiness. I finally knew I had to apologize for what I did, and so I did. Yesterday, the man and I finally apologized to each other for what we'd each done, and we even ended on a neutral note, by hoping we each could get past the negativity. It means so much to me, knowing that we had finally come to a point where we could wish each other well. It has been a tough year in my life, but I did everything the best way I could, and I am proud of myself. Also, on an unrelated note, Irene texted me about my love for Shark Tank, and she told me Chris Sacca is a douche who engaged in sexist behavior, so I went to read up on it, and got led to this.

NAUSEA

Today was a dramatic day and the day I've felt the worst in at least a year. So if you follow me on Instagram you'd know I've been doing babysitting to supplement my income. My current baby is the daughter of a businesswoman who's working in Singapore this week, so I've been taking care of the baby in hotels. Today I either got food poisoning or stomach flu and was feeling nauseated. While this was physically happening, I somehow had started the big conversation that I'd been working up the courage for. I've been feeling uneasy because I knew I did some things wrong as well, and indeed he said he had gotten quite angry. We had as civil a conversation as we could have had, though, I think. I might have fucked up his life just as he fucked up mine, but in different ways. I felt guilty and guilt is the absolute worst feeling because this time, you can't even victimize yourself. We sort of thrashed some things out, after two years ish, while I felt more and more nauseated. So then I was carrying the baby in the fancy hotel lobby to pick up a delivery, when I started throwing up. The hotel staff noticed immediately, they held the baby and entertained her, while giving me medicinal oils to sniff and asked if I needed medical attention. I eventually left because I thought I would be feeling better after having vomitted, but then from the hotel to the train station, I kept throwing up. Along the way, after having thrown up on the steps in front of a shopping mall, I was completely out of energy and I lay in front of my pile of sick, waiting till I felt better. Two white girls from the nearby international school, UWCSEA, asked if I was okay, and helped me to the nearest restroom where I again alternated between having the runs and throwing up. Another lady in another cubicle asked if I was okay and whether she could call me a cab. I cabbed home without incident, fortunately, but after having showered and cleaned myself up, I just woke up and threw up all the water I'd just drunk to hydrate myself. I was literally swimming in my own sick, and my sisters and mother have been helping to clean it and myself up. I have never been so fawned over while being sick, from the hotel staff to strangers on the street, to my own family. My stomach hurts because there is nothing left to heave and regurgitate, and I don't even get to see my kid tomorrow. This is one of the worst times I've felt. It's so strange, after years and years, I still feel terrible because I care for this man and all we've done is fuck shit up. My icon for today's mood app is the most depressed one. I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing the best I can.

JEOPARDY

My new favorite game to watch is Jeopardy. I keep saying the answer and then rephrasing it as a question before the buzzer, as if I'm on the show. I love games and especially trivia games. Some categories are very American though, I wish I knew more about the USA than I already do. I was watching the college championship and the overall winner wins like USD100,000 which would definitely help to pay off their tuition fees. If I get into school, perhaps I should apply to play on Jeopardy huh.

MOOD

To be honest, I think I really do need to get back to school. I just feel like there is so much potential I have yet to tap on. I know a degree doesn't mean everything, and that learning can happen anytime, but I also think everyone who says so, is able to do so from the comfortable position of having gone through a college education and gotten a degree, so that's pretty much moot. I think I hinge on love because I haven't been able to really better myself and my opportunities, and of course, the solution to furthering oneself as a woman in society was always through marriage. I don't believe in God but jeez do I really want this. I told my sister I'm a little bit scared to potentially go back to school and be pitted against all these youngsters who have come straight out of high school and have been conditioned to study and read and burn through all-nighters and gotten themselves in that momentum. I'm a little afraid of being left behind and that I've forgotten how to study, if there is such a thing. On the flipside, I would say my age does also equip me with a certain level-headedness and maturity, and some foresight and clarity to know what matters to me and what doesn't, and I think I have a bigger passion and fire and grit to stick through the entire run. I have the drive because I've taken long enough out of the game, and I know just how much I need this. Please let me have this.

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

I finished the Drive to Survive docuseries! So now you don't have to read about me talking about F1 as if I know anything. I clearly don't, except I do know how to admire the cute drivers. When they featured the Austin circuit, someone sang Star-Spangled Banner and there is a line that says "the home of the brave." One thing that people usually describe me as is brave, and I really do want to live in the US. Anyway, the F1 is really reflective of life because the richer teams are always faster, and can always hire the better drivers. It's not really all about the racing talent. It would be perhaps more fun if every team received the same funds so they can all spend the same amounts on research and developing their engines, and the drivers received similar boosts and race on level playing fields. F1: Drive to Survive is a great look into the industry, to see the drama and politics and blood, sweat and tears that go into each race weekend and every season but ultimately, it's unfair and it just doesn't make sense to follow a sport where money means winning. I went to check my CUNY application status, and there was a video stating that the application status of submitted documents will be reflected after a month or so, jeez. There are some people who dislike me and vice versa. They don't like that I'm so self-aware and honest and conversely, I don't like people who are not honest with themselves and not self-aware. If I have to spend time with five people and be the average of their personalities, you can be sure I'm choosing the five most honest and self-aware ones. Yes, I do still have feelings for someone who has made a great influence on my life, without the person even quite meaning to, I think. It takes me no effort to admit that it's been three years and I like him, but it's okay. I have strong, lasting feelings and I spent a month with this person and since I met him, I've grown into perhaps what is an even more authentic and real me, than I ever was before. So I don't regret it at all. What I cannot stand is people who have unresolved issues and have never begun to face them straight on. You can try to give me advice as the 30-something-year-old person you are, but the way I see it, I'm braver facing the ups and downs of my brain and life, than you are. You think you're settled but you keep coming back to me. I don't have time for you. You're not wasting my time, you're wasting your own.

PUSHING BUTTONS

My bad, my bad. I really need to take in the bigger picture before saying things. They feature more of Singapore in the eighth episode. It's reportedly the most intense, thanks to the heat, humidity and tight corners. Marcus Ericsson who used to drive for Sauber has a really good sense of humor. So in Singapore, they each dip into an ice bath to cool off from the heat. Ericsson says "make sure when I come out of this, the camera focuses on the right areas, yeah, the weapon is not very big at the moment" because of the ice HAHAHAHAHAHA I laughed so hard. He didn't get renewed for 2019. Charles Leclerc got signed by Ferrari, and the entire episode is dedicated to his godfather Jules Bianchi, who died after an F1 accident. Leclerc is also goddang cute, but he's 20. Way out of my range. It's not the fact that he's a Ferrari F1 driver that makes him out of my range, mind you, it's his age. :P

ROUND THE OUTSIDE

The seventh episode is almost exclusively about Romain Grosjean. I almost feel pity for him, he started crashing often and got a reputation for it, it affected him and he kept doing it, and then it's basically a vicious cycle. I feel like those seasons were like representative of my life: like Sarah, what on earth are you doing, at some point, you have got to stop blaming it on bad luck???? He looks like he might have made somewhat of a comeback in the later episodes/races though, so hopefully he's not as depressed as he sounds. I feel like you'd need to have the strongest and most balanced mental health to be an f1 driver, or even anywhere in the industry. All that pressure. By the way, I was almost asleep but had to wake up to give a great big hacking cough and now my throat is dry as ever. Sigh.

IGGY

If you were not afraid, what would you do? Maybe I would be a fuckgirl. Maybe people who are fuckboys and fuckgirls just listen and are in sync with what they really wanna do, and they're all happier for it. I already have a number embedded in my brain. What the hell am I struggling for? What am I waiting for? Well, I guess, I literally am waiting for school results to come in from four colleges. If I don't get in, I give the fuck up, srsly, maybe I'm just meant to slog it out and never ever go to college.

MOSQUITO

Just caught the sixth episode of Drive to Survive. You know, the only reason I get to watch so much Netflix is 'cos the episodes are downloadable so I just while away my transit time to and from work, watching all the content possible. Anyway, in this ep, it shows the 2018 Force India drivers at loggerheads. Esteban Ocon is made out to be the ultimate underdog, whose family didn't have money but somehow got him into F1. They showed him practising on the racing machine at home, with his eyes closed, so he's memorized the turns to the precise seconds. It amazed me, if nothing else. He got dropped though, they had to make way for a new driver with the new investor (who practises blatant nepotism by getting his son to drive for the team he invests in lol wtf is the matter with this sport????). Force India chose to stick with the other driver, Sergio Perez, just 'cos he had more sponsorship money -- which matters a whole lot in an expensive activity like F1. Perez didn't even outqualify Ocon in his home circuit of Mexico, not even with the overwhelming support of his Mexican fans. Money seriously turns the world into bullshit. Sergio Perez's face reminds me of Elon Musk's for some reason, it's got this smug quality that makes you just want to punch him. Also, I think it's hilarious that whenever the show moves to a new circuit, they wax lyrical about how challenging it is and how important it is, and the significance each circuit bears. Then they went to Marina Bay, and nobody said anything about it. It's all glitzed up at night, so no one can see the lack of personality this country has in the day. Oh Singapore, you truly do not matter. No one has a disdain for their home country the way I do, seriously, do you think I could set a world record for it?

ABNORMALCY

I'm so physically tired from being ill. My colleague told me to go get a flu shot 'cos the last one I had was decades ago in school. I'm not exactly scared of needles but it's not a thing I'm thrilled about. It's a thing I would do if someone said they would reward me with, say, a nice dinner, for getting it done. I don't know whether to say that I'm truly a kid at heart or if everybody is just kids and there is no such thing as adults. Taylor Swift's Love Story is in my head, and you know what that means. Or maybe you don't. Maybe only I know what it means. Does anyone actually ever know what I mean? It means we love who we love who we love, and there is no changing that, as little sense as it makes, because love is not a sensible thing.

TEARS FOR FEARS

It's been a strange day and I've been in the foulest of moods at work. I wish I were in California, away from this mess. People are so trying and if I'm living this one life, why can't I just live WHERE I WANT TO. We should all be able to. I feel like I need to take some weed edibles to calm my nerves but obviously I can't do it in this country because it's illegal and my mother is a cop. One day I'm going to spontaneously combust, I'm sure of it.

BAKU

In the second episode of Drive to Survive, they cover the Baku circuit. The two Red Bull drivers collide, and then another of the top teams has a tire puncture from debris, and suddenly Carlos Sainz driving for Renault has a chance at the podium. People love rooting for the underdog. Also many of the drivers are very cute and attractive, is that like a prerequisite for being an F1 driver? Carlos Sainz Jr is super cute. Something about him gives me Ashton Kutcher vibes. I'm still sick and having my breakfast before I head off to work. The second half of March looks to be a long one, but I think I'll feel better once my body bounces back from this sickness. I feel like I suffer from the man-cold. You know how it's just a common cold but I feel like I'm going to die? It's just the heatiness of my head and brain and eyes.

PRE-MED

@textsfromyourex on Instagram is really one of my absolute favorite profiles there are. Why are all exes like that? Why is it such an epidemic? What has happened to romance, jesus fucking christ!!!! Please! Talk to me when you are ready to find someone to marry, or NOT AT ALL. It's insane, I want to write a book on why men are insane fuckboy exes. (And some women, but mostly men.)

MULTIVERSE

needless to say, I keep her in check
she was all bad-bad, nevertheless (yeah)
callin' it quits now, baby, I'm a wreck (wreck)
crash at my place, baby, you're a wreck (wreck)
needless to say, I'm keeping her in check
she was all bad-bad, nevertheless
callin' it quits now, baby, I'm a wreck
crash at my place, baby, you're a wreck
thinkin' in a bad way, losin' your grip
screamin' at my face, baby, don't trip
someone took a big L, don't know how that felt
lookin' at you sideways, party on tilt
ooh-ooh, some things you just can't refuse
she wanna ride me like a cruise
and I'm not tryna lose

then you're left in the dust
unless I stuck by ya
you're a sunflower
I think your love would be too much
or you'll be left in the dust
unless I stuck by ya
you're the sunflower
you're the sunflower

every time I'm leavin' on ya
you don't make it easy, no, no
wish I could be there for ya
give me a reason to go
every time I'm walkin' out
I can hear you tellin' me to turn around
fightin' for my trust and you won't back down
even if we gotta risk it all right now, oh
I know you're scared of the unknown (known)
you don't wanna be alone (alone)
I know I always come and go (and go)
but it's out of my control

and you'll be left in the dust
unless I stuck by ya
you're a sunflower
I think your love would be too much
or you'll be left in the dust
unless I stuck by ya
you're the sunflower
you're the sunflower

ADRENALINE

There is a cough syrup that I really like, it's called Nin Jiom Pei Pa Koa. It's a thick, sweet syrup that I like to drink sometimes even when I'm not sick, so when I'm really ill it's like my favorite thing ever. My mom knows this so she bought me individual sachets for me to bring to New York, I didn't even know they existed in such a form. You just tear one open and drink out of it, it's like a candy. That kinda small thing reminds me that my mom loves me. It's very cute, I love Nin Jiom. Anyway, I've been watching Formula 1: Drive To Survive on Netflix. It reminds me of the adrenaline I had in LA. It's a whole other world, I think. Especially for Singaporeans. It's a tiny city state here, there are too many cars and traffic lights, and speed limits mean everything, and you can't even race at night 'cos you'd get demerit points and all that. One of the lines I heard in the show, is possibly true to the type of person I am: the highs are very high, and the lows are very low. I want to experience everything, and I can't or tend not to say no to anything. I remember when I first got to know Joey, I was on his bed while he was at work. I texted him "do you work at the SpaceX, like Elon Musk's company?" and he said yes of course, because there isn't any other SpaceX. Sometimes I confuse myself because I want to be in every space possible. I want to feel the rush of racing in cars, but at the same time, I don't agree with the personal politics of a lot of rich people. For example, when I was in New York and especially when I was dating Adam, he was completely against Amazon setting up their second headquarters in the city, because it would have driven up rent and priced out regular everyday citizens who live there. This is something Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez also campaigned for, she didn't want Amazon to be set up there, which eventually really fell through. When Amazon said they were pulling out of their plans to set up in NYC, Barbara Corcoran, who is one of the sharks on Shark Tank, was immensely upset. She's a New York-based real estate mogul but on Shark Tank, she can be extremely empathetic, she's dyslexic so she used to be called the dumb girl in school, and she helps so many business owners who have reading or learning disabilities, when they come on the show to pitch their companies. It's strange, Barbara said NYC lost out on a great opportunity, but of course, she hasn't lived like the majority 99% (?) in New York for ages. I don't know where I'm going with this, I just think that there are so many layers and dimensions to everyone and everything, and it's so hard to pick and choose what the right and wrong is. In any case, I've finally started driving lessons. As a person who takes note of too many stimuli at once, I'm a little nervous about it. I do however think that if millions of people can do it, so can I. I'll let my conscious brain and unconscious brain settle it, one of them will take over the activity. I figure if I'm living on my own eventually, it would be useful to be able to drive and move my things around if it gets down to it.

MOJAVE

A white terrorist was arrested for a mass shooting at a mosque in Christchurch. At this point of time, I wouldn't say I have much affiliation with the mosque, I think religion is illogical and I can't really see eye to eye with anybody who believes in any god, which really makes me part of a minority in Singapore, and in my community. However, I must say that regardless of religious affiliation, the white man has always been the safest, because they have constructed every possible system to keep themselves safe, whether it's in terms of politics or finance or geography or any other opportunity, and yet the white man has always been the most dangerous to other people.

(Also yes, I'm fully aware I date white people and that as a person of color, I shouldn't date my oppressor and I do remind myself to check why I'm attracted to the people I date. One of the lowest benchmarks I set for any man I date is that they acknowledge the privilege accorded to them, just based on race, if nothing else. To be perfectly honest, this is why I stopped dating British men, it may be weird to say but I hate thinking about the fact that the British colonized pretty much the entire world. So now I date Americans????)

I saw on Nina's Instagram stories that she'd shared screenshots of Tweets by @wajahatali, and here it is in its entirety:

Let me quickly explain why the Christchurch mosque shooting affects many of us, not just Muslim communities. If the shooter's manifesto and social media feed are accurate, he was inspired by a right-wing ideological infrastructure that thrives, recruits and radicalizes online. He wrote a manifesto, just like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik. He cites right-wing personalities and military battles glorified by white nationalists, such as the Siege of Vienna in 1863 - where Europe staved off Islam apparently. Like mass murderer Breivik, he wants to punish Muslims and immigrants for allegedly invading his soil, he wants to take revenge. Notice the language of "invasion" - does it sound familiar? It should. It's used against immigrants and Muslims in America - 2018 midterms. He left behind a video, live-streamed his rampage with a camera on his head, making it like first-person video game Doom. He shared it on social media sites. He wants to be known. He is a hero, a martyr, the one brave enough to do what others can't to save "Western" civilization. Compare his methods and alleged ideology to Quebec mosque shooter Alexandre Bissonnette, who killed 6. He was a white nationalist who loathed immigrants, refugees and Muslims. Christopher Hasson, a domestic terrorist, just caught, also wanted to kill Muslims, inspired by Breivik. Compare this to the Tree of Life Synagogue shooter in Pittsburgh. He killed 11 Jewish worshippers. He shared a post on his Gad account about punishing "filthy evil Jews" for bringing in "filthy evil Muslims." This was in reference to the Soros-caravan conspiracy theory. The underlining ideology anchoring all of this is White supremacy and their main fear is "replacement." That the immigrants, Jews, blacks and Muslims will replace them, the Whites. Remember Charlottesville? "Jews will not replace us." See Steve King's Tweets about babies. Steve Bannon, Trump's former chief advisor, cites Camp of Saints as one of his favorite books. He recommends it. It's a racist novel about brown immigrants "invading" and overtaking France. White nationalists believe Jews are the head of the cabal who use the rest of us. We are dealing with angry, disaffected men, mostly White, who find purpose and community with these extremist groups who give them a hero's narrative through violent ideology of White supremacy. They are saving civilization by getting rid of the rest of us. It's like White ISIS. The victims are not just Muslims, but also Jews, immigrants, refugees, Blacks, Sikhs, Latinos and women (they really hate feminists). It's a zero-sum absolutism. No grey area. Just like ISIS. These groups are rising in the US and Europe. They have mainstream elected messengers. Pay attention. Take this extremist ideology and terror threat seriously. Be wary of politicians, academics and media heads who give it a platform and spout it under the guise of "free speech" and fighting "political correctness." Look out for each other. Love each other.

TIFFANY

I've fallen a little bit sick. My throat is parched, I'm sneezing often, and my head aches. I was looking at an Instagram profile, one of those soulful, vegan, ~get back to your roots~ zen types (it's not someone I follow so it's not any of you). Ahhh I wish it were so easy for me. You attract what you think, the conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time so choose a positive one. This sickness will pass. I will have enough sleep when I need it. I was reading Hold Me Tight and I really need a man to love me this much. I just need One Man, who will be okay with my family background, who understands my issues inherited from my parents and how I was raised, who understands my defensiveness from several men who have just piled on my issues, who is willing to say "I will take this on and love you anyway because you're worth it", just one man. My brain hurts, I need to rest but I am on the way to work. The conscious brain can hold only one thought at a time: I am loved, I am worthy of love, I am loveable, and I will be loved.

ALONE

The phrase "staying together for the kids" is on my mind. I would reckon at least 60% of why I don't do well by myself is 'cos I yearn to be loved by a man, to prove that men don't always leave. I hate it when men disappear, and then they come back out of goddamn nowhere, it really reminds me of my dad. Please stick around, please stick around, please stick around. A couple of things Bennett said to me when we were dating resurfaced today: he said sometimes men don't stick around because they've seen that someone has gone through a lot, and there's a lot of pressure on them, they don't want to potentially add on to the hurt that's already been dealt to a person. He also said every day ends, so even if you're having the worst of days, you will never have to live through the same day again. He also said he wants a wingsuit sometime in life, he said this while I was watching them play Steep. Fuuuuuuuck. Sometimes I think I might be incapable of love. Do you think that's true? Do I just want to be loved without actually doing any loving, or am I self-sabotaging now? I need to sleep and turn off my brain.

LIVE A LITTLE

Today Sharifah picked me up from work, riding her bike to surprise me. We went to Tampines for lunch, and I felt so free and happy. I'm not sure why, but sometimes being on a motorbike is the best thing, once in a while. Sometimes it gets really hot and sweaty and uncomfortable, but occasionally it's really fun, like nothing else. She's hilarious, she only recently got her riding licence and we had to exit the mall's basement, she said "I'm really bad at slopes, hold on for your life". I've read that thrillseekers tend to be secretly depressed. In my case, it's no secret but even for Sharifah, I could totally see why she likes living life on the edge. I didn't stop smiling once while riding on her bike. It's completely different from being in a car.

OPPOSITE / ADJACENT

It would be so interesting if I stopped believing in marriage or monogamy. Practically, I don't think I could ever really subscribe to a lifestyle where I engage in ethically non-monogamous relationships, I've always thought it was messy and of course, I form attachments way too easily. However, I have also been told that people have the misconception that I am a "good decent Muslim-Malay girl", not the one who doesn't fast in Ramadan or who has a tattoo. I mean, seriously, I am a geek, when I am not dressed up for Instagram, I look like trash that walks around wearing spectacles. I have gone from listening to and abiding by my parents' rules to completely disregarding them. I have gone from being miserable about my miscarried fetus and praying for it, to being completely convinced god and the afterlife are made-up concepts because human beings are too self-absorbed to accept that the world does not revolve around us and that we could ever cease to exist once our bodies are dead. If there were any extreme changes to be made in life, I think I have made that journey, so. Life is transient and so are my beliefs so far. I have definitely read stuff that say that marriages are doomed to fail because we're not meant to have lifetime partners, especially not in an age where the average lifespan is close to a hundred years. People change and then so do dynamics between people and their relationships. To cap off this post, I will very predictably say I hope this doesn't scare off my future husband because I still want to get married, but everything has the potential to change, and to go into a marriage not learning as much as you can about your partner's mindset, is likely what dooms it to fail, anyway. One day my mother will muster her courage to read all my recent posts and she will have an aneurysm and perhaps she will throw me out of this apartment. Maybe spiritually, even if not physically.

UNLEARNING

There are a couple of things that I know for sure I dislike about each of my parents. It is not enough or it is easy enough for me to critique them or criticize them for such traits, but the toughest part is obviously unlearning those behaviors and teaching myself to do and be otherwise. One from my mom is that she is high-strung, and so it is that I am constantly battling between an inherent learnt programming to react to things in a high-strung manner, and being mellow and chill about things. It feels almost like schizophrenia, I have to constantly second-guess myself and ask, is this reaction the real me, or is it the me I learnt from observing my mother? It's even harder because I still live with her, still hear her complaints about the reality television we watch, of her disapproval towards strangers making out. And then there is my dad. I'm not even sure where to begin with him, but I feel very strongly about his... priorities. I feel like at age 46 you should have learnt and matured enough to at least get your shit together financially, but this still doesn't seem to be the case. The only reason I can think of is perhaps he lacks a proper system of priorities and prioritizing. If you are a father of three in your household, then I don't see a reason for you to be too broke for dinner, and if you are, then the thought of branded headphones shouldn't turn up until the phrase "too broke for dinner" leaves your lexicon for the rest of your lifetime. If you are not too broke for dinner, then I'm not sure why you would say you are, in which case your priority is still not your children's well-being and mental health, because children should not have to hear or worry about their parents being short of money, especially when they're younger than ten. Having said all that, it is a tough act to remind myself to balance being mellow and kind and forgiving towards myself, but also to prioritize financial responsibilities and consideration of everyone within the circle of people I could potentially affect in my life.

STAGE RIGHT

The new episodes of Terrace House Karuizawa just got released. How strange it is, watching it again in Singapore. The last time I watched it was with Adam in December, and now Adam and I are dunzo. One of the things I really liked about having gone to New York when I did was actually feeling out how it would be to be in a relationship with him. We didn't work out, but it can never be said it was for a lack of trying. We used to be able to chat, long-distance, about many things, but when it came down to it, I don't think we had the right kinds of feelings when we were next to each other. You really can't force love. Anyway, in the latest episodes, there is an older house member, whom the commentator panel deem as an adult, because he's 31. He's looking for love and even has marriage on his mind. So apparently the real line of maturity that validates someone as an adult is when they're in their thirties. Also I've been reading (as I do) and apparently most guys will go through their stages of being fuckboys, and they eventually grow out of it when they're ready. I've been going after the wrong age category all this while! They magically turn into caring, responsible, selfless, mature, straightforward, honest adults at age thirty! How amazing this science is. Alrighty, I will date no one younger than 30. Not even 29 years and 364 days old.

SEASHELLS

I really like being in a relationship. I like being one half of a whole. I think it's silly to justify the fact that I want to be in a relationship, because good relationships are great. You have a best friend whom you can talk to about many things, most things, everything if you're really lucky. You can tell them you're having cramps and they will cuddle you and get you chocolate. You can tell them your family members, or work, or politics or anything in life is tiring you out, and they'll listen to you. You watch TV shows that you may never have watched without each other. You sleep in someone's arms, and you feel great telling someone you love them and being told they love you before you drift off to sleep. Sometimes you have sex before going to sleep, sometimes when you wake up together, and sometimes just in the middle of the night, if you're both feeling lucky. You have someone to send memes to, and dress up for, and you can cook for each other, you can cook and eat together. You remember each other's favorite snacks when you shop for groceries and it feels great both to be the person getting that snack for your loved one and to receive that snack from your loved one. It's great if you both think of each other as snacks, which is why I tend to date only men I'm physically attracted to, and on the flipside, it can't be any different because which man wouldn't think I'm a snack? :P Sometimes it hurts because you fight and have to compromise but then you remember that they were in your corner fighting for you against your own demons, so you realize it's worth losing parts of yourself when you're getting so much more in return. When you go to the movies, you have someone's shoulder to lean on, and when you're walking on the sidewalk, you have someone's hand to hold, and when you go to parties, you have each other's looks to catch to signal that you'd rather be home Netflix and Chilling together than at this party of people you barely even know.

SWISS MISS

Today I'm having a messy hair day. I washed my hair and it's drying into a big, all-over-the-place nest. On my way to work it reminded me of another day I'd looked like this, and I was honestly looking a trashy mess. A guy approached me in the train, gave me his namecard and asked me to text him because he wanted to take me to dinner. This had and has never happened to me in Singapore, before nor since. I took a chance and went out with him. He's an investment banker with CreditSuisse, I looked him up on LinkedIn and stuff and he's legit. I couldn't tell what his ethnicity was, neither from his name nor from his looks. Dinner was alright, but I could tell I wouldn't want to see him again, but he was so insistent on us meeting a second time, it was so scary. I remember feeling really pressed to get away in a cab. Since that night, I've felt that people who have money are scary. They think money can do anything and that they can get whatever they want. This was two years ago. I'd blocked his number on my old iPhone but when I changed phones last year, the blocking didn't stick and I found him trying to call me on multiple platforms again. All this to say, the world makes no sense. I wish that technology in one of the Black Mirror episodes exists, the one where you can block people from your actual sight. Is that the White Christmas ep? I think so.

HALP

One of the things that could give me an aneurysm is seeing support for Donald Trump as president. I was on his Instagram profile and there were thousands of comments saying he's been doing a good job. It makes me sick to know that so many people are such racist bigots. Yuck. I want to say I've never spoken to a Republican in person, but then I think if my family were there, what would they subscribe to? They would be immigrants so they might not be on Trump's camp, but they also love using patriarchal bullshit to control women's bodies, so. Trump and his supporters are so nasty I really feel ill. Or maybe it's the period taking effect.

NOTHING DOING

One of the things I know I shouldn't do when I'm writing is overuse commas. I tend to do so because I type as I'm thinking, so I ramble in run-on sentences instead of using periods effectively, even when they're necessary. I notice it seems to be a reflection of the person I am in life, I just go on and on instead of pausing for breaks in between days and weeks and chapters. I will try to remedy both situations from this point on. My period app says my period is due in three days, and I'm probably going to jinx it (more like: my period is going to wreak havoc on my hormones and then my moods), but I'm feeling happy at the moment. I'm looking forward to future chapters in life, I'm feeling proud of myself for finally having learnt my own value and worth. I really think one of the toughest things I've had to do in life is learning real ways of how to love and be loved, because those lessons were absent in my foundational formative years -- a truth that can be verified because my sister Lyssa struggles with the same issues. Life is calm and fun and joyful, and I haven't had a man in it since January. That may not sound long to you, but as a serial dating addict, that's an accomplishment in my book. Small wins are still wins, and big wins are made of many small wins.

FIRST STRING

I don't think I've said this here, but the Ben I used to date in Singapore, he and I had a little something happen while I was in New York. His name is Benjamin, so to avoid confusing y'all, I will refer to them by their full names in this post. Benjamin and I met as friends, after I'd broken up with Adam. The second time I met Benjamin in New York, it was the week I'd also started to date Bennett. At that time, Bennett and I were not yet an item but I liked him a lot, but of course I used to be with Benjamin in Singapore and there were old feelings. At the end of that week, Bennett asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, and I did, and I really liked him, but the next day, I met Benjamin 'cos he'd arranged to bring me to Alexander Hamilton's grave, and to go to museums. I went, and I told Benjamin that Bennett and I had gotten together-together, like an item. He got upset 'cos he hadn't expected it, although I had told him about Bennett while I was dating him. Benjamin then said it was unfair, that I'd gone to New York and gotten together with Adam, then even Bennett, and that I was "shoving it in his face". I told Benjamin that I thought we were friends and I treated him as a friend by telling him about the men I was dating, but he wasn't ready. I told him he was the one who dumped me when we were dating long-distance after he'd gone back to New York from Singapore. I told him that hurt me because that was when I was still unstable and hadn't gone for proper therapy, and I asked him why he broke up with me then, if he still liked me. He said he only broke up because we were not in the same place, and he didn't see us being physically together, but now that I'd made my way to New York, he realized he wouldn't ever underestimate me again. After that day when he brought me to Hamilton's grave, I told him we could only be friends through our entire lives, because I was done, and I couldn't feel the same anymore. I'm not looking for temporary dates who are only there when times are good and easy, I want someone who can see a future with me, who's in it for the long haul. I'm not even asking for help to uproot myself and implant myself in the US, all I need is someone who sees my worth and will wait and be by my side through it. It is not on me if anyone doesn't fight for me or with me, and then thinks they are entitled to me. If you allow me to do it on my own in my tough times, then why on earth would I want you to be my partner when things are easy?

A LIST

So here are the things my future husband will have to do before we get married. I'll come back and edit this post whenever anything pops up in my mind. He has to have read Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson, we are going to dance to the choreography that Allison and Luther do in the episode The Day That Wasn't from The Umbrella Academy, he has to get me a first-gen PlayStation and a copy of Spyro: Year of the Dragon for me to complete, and he has to love me like Barack loves Michelle Obama (although I'm not sure how measurable this last one is). All in all, not the most impossible of lists. I find it way more meaningful than, say, a skywritten proposal or anything like that.

OOOOOF

I was watching S8E22 of Shark Tank and there was this guy Rick who has a business called Under The Weather. The pitch was going so cute, the sharks were laughing and having fun. Then the entrepreneur starts talking about his journey to starting the business and he tells the story of how his brother who was his partner, died in a car accident because of snow and skidding. The entrepreneur starts tearing and it's the first time I've seen all five sharks have actual tears in their eyes, and it was so sad, the poor man was so vulnerable and wow. I've seen so much Shark Tank in the past three weeks but this was a first. Owwww, bless his heart.

PARADIGM

So I suppose I sorta, kinda used to believe in soulmates or something like it? Like I believed in a higher power so it would reassure me that oh there is someone out there who was actually really made to be my partner. And then I stopped believing, but 90% of people around me and that I'm close to believe in that whole thing so it's hard to really shift away from that mindset, right. Now I feel more anxious because if no one was made to be my soulmate, what if I end up alone or settling when I shouldn't? Speaking of beliefs, sometimes I think of the things my grandma says to me and I swear I have to hold back my laughter because it really is nonsense to me. So she doesn't like me to be completely naked, even if I'm in my room alone, putting on my makeup after a shower. She always says I should at least have a towel wrapped around me because "even if no human eyes are on me, there are unseen 'djinns' looking at me"?? Also if you have long nails or paint them, there are apparently tiny little devils/demons sitting on them. If you whistle, you're calling the devil. Basically everything has to do with this supposed devil creature. Man, I don't even get it, is it culture or scripture? I just want to study and emancipate myself and if I ever have a daughter, I'm going to let her wear whatever, hook up whenever, and introduce the best birth control to her. What century is my family living in????? Jfc bye felicia.

CONUNDRUM

One time, I was having a conversation with my sister Lyssa and she said I tend to contradict myself. I say men are trash but I also am impatient to marry or find the right one, etc. I told her, among the sea of trash, there are definitely some good men left, an absolute layer of cream as opposed to gunk and filth that dominate the sea. I also think I deserve a man like that, because at the very least, I think all women deserve a man like that, but especially because I'm a good person who does good things and I'm self-aware about my good and my bad, and I like a man who is self-aware, about his good and his bad. Upon thinking about this further, I realize perhaps this is why women may start catfights with each other, because a good man is a prized possession, a rare gem. Within that tiny selection, I now have to search even further for someone I'm compatible with. The size of my dating pool is like a kid's inflatable backyard pool. The entire gender needs to be revolutionized for the good of humankind. First up, why do men behave like fuckboys?

PRECISION

I dreamt I met Lin-Manuel Miranda, and I took a photo with him and he asked not to post it on social media immediately, so people wouldn't stalk him, and this is literally what he actually does in real life, so I thought it was real. He had his dog Tobillo with him. I also showed him my tattoo, and told him Hamilton saved my life, which it kinda did, and still is doing. Yesterday was International Women's Day, so I've been seeing quotes all over social media but the one I currently identify with is: there is no force more powerful than a woman determined to rise.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT

One of my close friends is pregnant, and it might be an anembryonic pregnancy, or a type of miscarriage where the baby does not have a heartbeat. At least, on her previous checkup, this is what the doctor said, but she's waiting for a bit longer to check whether it is definitely the case. I hope it isn't and the baby pulls through. I know my friend and her boyfriend were happy and looking forward to it, and she would be a really good mother.

She hasn't told many people, but she approached me about the pregnancy because I'm one of the few people our age who has experienced being pregnant. It reminded me of a couple of paragraphs I read in Michelle Obama's memoir, in which she says a miscarriage is lonely, painful and demoralizing. Michelle Obama was the First Lady of the United States for two terms, she was a highly successful lawyer in her own right, she is well-educated, and generally wholesome and well-rounded, and if she could feel lonely and demoralized from a miscarriage, I just hope people know that it's a much bigger mental hurdle for women than it may seem to be. I also hope that people know it's okay to talk about things that are difficult to talk about, and more than that, it is even more important to talk about things that are difficult. This is what Michelle Obama says about it:

After many years of taking careful precautions to avoid pregnancy, I was now singularly dedicated to the opposite endeavor. I treated it like a mission. We had one pregnancy test come back positive, which caused us both to forget every worry and swoon with joy, but a couple of weeks later I had a miscarriage, which left me physically uncomfortable and cratered any optimism we'd felt. Seeing women and their children walking happily along a street, I'd feel a pang of longing followed by a bruising wallop of inadequacy. The only comfort was that Barack and I were living only a block from Craig and his wife, who now had two beautiful children, Leslie and Avery. I found solace in dropping by to play and read stories with them.

If I were to start a file on things nobody tells you about until you're right in the thick of them, I might begin with miscarriages. A miscarriage is lonely, painful, and demoralizing almost on a cellular level. When you have one, you will likely mistake it for a personal failure, which it is not. Or a tragedy, which, regardless of how utterly devastating it feels in the moment, it also is not. What nobody tells you is that miscarriage happens all the time, to more women than you'd ever guess, given the relative silence around it. I learned this only after I mentioned that I'd miscarried to a couple of friends, who responded by heaping me with love and support and also their own miscarriage stories. It didn't take away the pain, but in unburying their own struggles, they steadied me during mine, helping me see that what I'd been through was no more than a normal biological hiccup, a fertilized egg, that for what was probably a very good reason, had needed to bail out.